I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I found out I was pregnant after three months, and miscarried. We ended up moving in together two weeks after the miscarriage happened. There have been a lot of instances where he has put his hands on me, and a few where he has caused quite a bit of damage. We got into a bad place, and we've both decided to step back to try to fix things. Financially - it wasn't best for us to keep our apartment, so I moved home, and he moved in with his sister. We continued to fight like crazy, and I found comfort in talking to a friend of mine that is in the army and in Iraq. When my friend came home on leave, I spent a lot of time with him, and we ended up sleeping together. The problem is - my boyfriend and I have been doing very good, and I'm very happy. My friend that I slept with - was jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend -- so he decided to send AIM conversations, pictures, and a video of me kissing him -- to my boyfriend. I denied sleeping with this guy, but my boyfriend won't speak to me. He cried all day long, and I feel terrible. But, now he's back to being angry. He put his hands on me today. It was the first time in months. This is one time where I understand why he did it. I'm not this kind of girl. I love my boyfriend. I feel terrible for what I did, and terrible for the way that I hurt him. This happened back at the beginning of September and it is now mid October -- Please tell me how I can make this right with him...

Physical abuse is not OK or warranted ever.

You need to be honest with him and yourself (although if you are already being physically abused then you probably cannot safely have the conversation).

If you were truly happy then why did you cheat?

I agree. There's NO reason for physical abuse. NONE! Leave him, move on, and try to gain a healthy perspective on relationships (either through counseling or through finding someone that doesn't hit you).

He s abusive so you stay away from this toxic relationship.
No one deserves to be treated the way he treats you for whatever reason.
Physical abuse tends to escalate and you could find yourself in real danger.
Find a way to move on and don't look back.

You really need to leave them both alone as they both are using your feelings against you, for their own purposes.

The facts that you accept this bad behavior from them, and think its your fault, is a red flag you need to pay attention to.

This is a sign you don't love yourself enough, and the only way you will is to get away from them both and heal, and learn to love yourself enough to not be treated badly by any one, for any reason.

I really appreciate these answers. I'm just not sure that I want to listen to the advice even though I know it makes sense. When I slept with this guy --- that was in the beginning of September. My boyfriend and I really started talking in a more productive way about a week later. I didn't have the heart to tell him, and I was scared to. Talaniman's response kind of hits it head on -- I do completely blame myself for their bad behavior -- but the way I see it is -- I cheated -- I need to deal with the consequences. If I know 100% within me that I would never cheat again -- is there anyway of salvaging my relationship with my boyfriend? Even if it IS toxic, even if there ARE these red flags -- I love him, I don't want to lose him..

This man is an abuser-this is when you run for the hills.
Violence escalates-get out whilst you still have a chance.

Hello, in abusive relationships,and you are in an abusive relationships,there is a control element, in yours,your boyfriend holds the power,when you cheated and he found out,he realised he did not have enough power over you not to cheat,I'm not condoning your cheating,but I find mostly women who are with men who hit them,are normally afraid to do anything to upset the status que.

The guy you cheated with,if you look closely,will probably have the same type of characters in his personality as your boyfriend... you keep picking the same guy.

Saying this is a toxic relationship,is just going to go in one ear and out the other,until YOU realise that you have to break this cycle,you will continue to have abusive and toxic relationships,and continue to pick the same type of man.

He will not stop hitting you... how many times has it been? More then once.

I'm afraid the only advice I can give you will echo the other responses..

Until you have suffered enough,until YOU see what is before your eyes you won't leave,and this behaviour from him will never stop.

Reality Check, and it may come off as really harsh!

Are you crazy?? You cheated because a guy was knocking you upside your head, and you needed to feel love.

He will get pissed, or angry again, and knock you around again.

Now drop this NONSENSE about consequences and take time to get healthy, and happy, so you can have a positive adult experience, and get blessings, not consequences.

Your in total denial, of your own reality.

This behavior will only escalate and one day you will find yourself in a hospital bed fighting for your life.
That is ,if you are lucky enough to survive.
You are allowing this to happen and you need to respect yourself and never allow this.
You need to get out now and you need to protect yourself when you make that known to your BF.The most dangerous time for an abused person is when they try to leave their abuser.
Get out now my dear and honor yourself.You never should justify abuse.He is out of control and it will only get worse.
I have been there and I can assure you,I am telling you the truth.You have no future with an abuser!

He might be able to go weeks, months, maybe even a few years without hitting you. That's how long my father was able to go. He went a few years without hitting my mom. Things were good for a little while. Then he started pushing her around. Not just her, my siblings and me too. Then one day he tried to run her over out in the middle of the street with my baby siblings watching, after he'd kicked the crap out of me. Is that what you want your life to end up? Do you really want to stick around to see if he miraculously changes? Do you really want to risk bringing a child into the world with him?

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

Hitting is hitting it doesn't matter if it was yesterday or a year ago, that is why everyone is focusing on the physical abuse.

Yeah. Cheating was bad. Cheating on an abusive person is especially dangerous. You're lucky the guy didn't kill you when he found out. Because yes, @$$holes like him have been known to kill women for cheating. Not even for cheating. Just because. Because the woman didn't do something just how they wanted. Because they had a bad day and decided to take it out on the woman. Any reason they sit fit in their rageful moment. So yeah, you were wrong to cheat. He's wrong to hit you. And you're a fool if you continue to stay with him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ImessedUp

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad.... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

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OK, from reading your post you cheated because you and your boyfriend were going through a bad time...

cheating in a relationship breaks the trust,and is very difficult to fix.

my advice is to leave this relationship,give yourself plenty of time to heal,and don't to it again.

no trust=no relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ImessedUp

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad.... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

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Yes,you did something wrong but hitting you is never and I mean never a justifiable act.
A man with any decency would have said fine and walked away and ended the relationship.

What right does he have to hit you ? How can you defend that?
What if you were carrying his child and he decided to punch you in the stomach?You think he would know better if there was a baby in your belly.Think again! An abuser is not in control!

The fact that he has EVER hit you is cause for alarm! I don't care if it is once a year ,it is wrong,it will happen again and it will get worse.He needs help and so do you!
That is not a sign of love ,it is a sign of anger and immaturity and it is wrong no matter how you try to make it seem like it is O.K..

Don't you have any self respect?
My dear,I lived your life.I was hospitalized many times and I faced death at this mans hands so I know what game you are trying to play by pretending that its not so bad.

It will happen again and it will be worse.It does not mean he loves you.
Abuse is not love.

I just got in from working on a home for battered women. Our church, along with several others in our area, are doing work this weekend on projects that need work, but don't have funding. Well, a couple of weeks ago, there was a murder/suicide in our area. A man shot a woman, then turned the gun on himself. The woman involved had been staying at the house I just mentioned for 3 months, and then decided to go back to the guy who was abusing her, her "boyfriend".

She was dead the next day.

You must understand that when a man hits, slaps, harms a woman in any way, he usually will not stop, and the abuse gets worse and worse.

I think you should stay away from both of the guys. The boyfriend for obvious reasons, and the "friend" for the fact that if he knew your boyfriend was abusive, what did he think that he was going to do when he sent those pictures? Beat you, that's what. He played a cruel stunt thinking that it was going to get the boyfriend out of the picture.

Take time like Tal. Mentioned , and work on yourself esteem. Never allow anyone to ever hurt you. That's unacceptable behavior.

You may think that things are getting better, but there's another storm right around corner, and this is just a calm.

May GOD keep you safe.

I know he's angry now -- So I'm not going to talk to him. He told me if he saw me now he wouldn't be able to control himself. So I'm not going... he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it. Even though I should be looking at all of this -- Knowing that I am better than the situation -- knowing I'm better then being abused -------------- I want to know what I can do to gain forgivness. How to show that I am truly sorry. He says he doesn't think I feel any remorse, and I am beside myself - because, I know how truly sorry I am. Should I come 100% clean? I'm scared to... If abuse wasn't an issue within this ---- what advice would you give me?

The problem is, that the advice given in a different set of circumstances would not work here..

I feel giving any other advice other then to get away and be safe would be putting your life in danger..

That may sound extreme to you,but to me,and I'm being objective here,it would be remiss of me anyway, to advice anything else.

It doesn't matter if this were a different situation. Because it's not. You need to go get yourself some counseling. Maybe if someone is sitting there in front of you telling you all this stuff you will get it. You just don't seem to be getting it. YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP! Who cares if he forgives you or believes that you're remorseful. He's hit you. What he wants, chooses to believe, etc. is now meaningless. He deserves nothing.