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Mamaz Eyez · Nov 18, 2008, 11:47 PM

I am in the middle of a divorce in California. We keep coming to an agreement, then my ex will have something he wants to control. The new one is adding my last (maiden) name to my now 4 year old son. He has previously agreed, but now is only considering adding it as my son's 2nd middle name. I want my son to have both of our last names as his last name, like Gael Garcia Bernal or the Jolie Pitt kids. I am the primary caretaker, always have been. Only within the last 6 months has the ex been really interested and committed to more time with our son (sadly since we moved 25 miles away).

My lawyer is recommending I agree to the middle name to save time and money. But I'm feeling this is not good enough. I don't want to be motivated by money or fear any more. I had a military record and significant career with my last name. I want my son to have it too, not to take away from his father (as he is suggesting) but honestly to honor both of us now that we are divorced. Also, it would seem a lot easier when for my son to share both his parents names. No confusion at the doctors or school, etc.

Should I agree to the middle name thing for now, just to save the argument and move forward and then file a petition to change his last name? Will the courts more likely agree with the father once it's established? Or just fight for it, as it is incredibly important to me although it will be so very costly (emotionally & financially)?

mypr · Nov 27, 2008, 05:47 AM

Unfortunately there are some dads who are wankers he would have to pay child support no matter what through csa. Parental responsibility are two different subjects as I know been through everything to have my daughter if he has no perental responsibility he can't do nothing unless he goes to court and ask for perental rights which will get turned down even if he is paying child support.

DisturbedRN · Sep 24, 2009, 05:47 AM

Just feeling obligated to pay for a child does not mean that you love a child-how do you call that lying when a loving man wants to take the place of a father that really isn't? Money definitely does not equal love. But if the "father" is paying child support, he may fight it; but maybe he would be willing to sign away his rights? Maybe he loves his money and would be willing to "write her off", since it isn't as though he has a relationship with her anyway. Money talks... that's how my mom got my stepdad to adopt me, just talked to my "father" and showed him the money he'd be saving and the hassles of a kid. Otherwise you can backfire it on him and make him have visitation, and if he is that kind of man, it may put a dent in his lifestyle and he may realize you were right. If he can be trusted-of course don't put your daughter in the struggle of this battle if you think he may hurt her, physically, emotionally, or mentally, in case he actually does decide he realized what all he has missed and decides to try to be a father. If you can't work that out, I feel a lawyer would definitely tell you that if he is paying child support, whether he sees her or not, that he has rights. The law really sucks when it comes to proper parental rights, and this goes both ways, because I have seen just as many men screwed over by hateful, vindictive women as I have men who are just too proud to let go.

DisturbedRN · Sep 24, 2009, 05:49 AM

Originally Posted by mypr

unfortunatly there are some dads who are wankers he would have to pay child support no matter what through csa. parental responsibility are two different subjects as i know been through everything to have my daughter if he has no perental responsibility he can't do nothing unless he goes to court and ask for perental rights which will get turned down even if he is paying child support.

Laffin at "wanker"... but unfortunately making "payments" on a child does equal parental rights, at least around here.

stevetcg · Sep 24, 2009, 06:14 AM

Originally Posted by DisturbedRN

Just feeling obligated to pay for a child does not mean that you love a child-how do you call that lying when a loving man wants to take the place of a father that really isn't? Money definately does not equal love. But if the "father" is paying child support, he may fight it; but maybe he would be willing to sign away his rights? Maybe he loves his money and would be willing to "write her off", since it isn't as though he has a relationship with her anyways. Money talks....that's how my mom got my stepdad to adopt me, just talked to my "father" and showed him the money he'd be saving and the hassles of a kid. Otherwise you can backfire it on him and make him have visitation, and if he is that kind of man, it may put a dent in his lifestyle and he may realize you were right. If he can be trusted-of course don't put your daughter in the struggle of this battle if you think he may hurt her, physically, emotionally, or mentally, in case he actually does decide he realized what all he has missed and decides to try to be a father. If you can't work that out, I feel a lawyer would definately tell you that if he is paying child support, whether he sees her or not, that he has rights. The law really sucks when it comes to proper parental rights, and this goes both ways, because I have seen just as many men screwed over by hateful, vindictive women as I have men who are just too proud to let go.

You can't make someone have visitation. And would you really want to force someone that doesn't want to to watch a child?

stevetcg · Sep 24, 2009, 06:15 AM

Originally Posted by DisturbedRN

Laffin at "wanker"...but unfortunately making "payments" on a child does equal parental rights, at least around here.

Correct, parental rights and parental obligations are separate. You have to exercise your rights, your obligations are enforced.

DisturbedRN · Sep 24, 2009, 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by stevetcg

You can't make someone have visitation. And would you really want to force someone that doesnt want to to watch a child?

I was just thinking that if he seen that he could not feasibly have a relationship with the child, that maybe he would let go. Wishful thinking.

mylilangel · Sep 25, 2009, 04:45 PM

I AM GOING Through THE SAME THING - I AM IN NH and the laws may be different but as far as I know he has to be on the birth cert. in nh you have to petition the court to change the last anme. It cost $40.you have to state the reason for the change as well. Then the court notifies both parents in writing of a hearing date - the court will decide if the change should take place. But again - you need a copy of the birth cert and if he is not on it... I would Google "changing a minors last name" then out the state you live in - you should get and answer that way...

stevetcg · Sep 26, 2009, 05:18 AM

Originally Posted by mylilangel

I AM GOING THRU THE SAME THING - I AM IN NH and the laws may be different but as far as i know he has to be on the birth cert. in nh you have to petition the court to change the last anme. it cost $40.you ahve to state the reason for the change as well. then the court notifies both parents in writing of a hearing date - the court will decide if the change should take place. but again - you need a copy of the birth cert and if he is not on it....i would google "changing a minors last name" then out the state you live in - you sould get and answer that way....

Him being on the birth certificate has nothing to do with it. He still has rights and changing a name without his consent violates them.