[MomWontGiveUp]

I hope I can make my question as simple as possible because history with my ex is anything but... but here goes:

About a year ago, me ex filed for custody and child support of our two teenage children. I contested his petition but long story short, ended up stipulating to an agreement that granted ex sole custody (NOT what I wanted or what I felt was in the best interest of the children but it appeared our judge had decided our case before testimony was even given.)

As I continue to learn the process and workings of family court, I really regret 'stipulating' to this agreement because it makes it virtually impossible for me to have any input in my childrens' upbringing now. I know that I'll never get my children back, but that doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Presently, my ex has been unemployed since January 2005 (with the exception of a job he held from August 1, '08 through December 1, '08), bankrupt, has no tracable source of income except for the support I send, doesn't have a working furnace and is about to lose his house. I would have to assume that his parents will co-sign any lease on a rental he would move into (at least they'll have heat!) I don't think the court cares about any of this, unless it's adversely affecting the children.

What REALLY bothers me is the fact that he is not taking care of the kids' medical or dental needs unless I 'harass' him with reminders. Right now, the kids are behind on their vaccinations and he has ignored my notifications from the doctor's office. He takes the position that I'm 'meddling' if I try to contact doctors or teachers. Keep in mind that in addition to child support, I also carry and pay for the kids on my healthcare coverage.

Is there anything I can do within the court system to bring attention to the fact that Dad isn't staying on top of the kids' healthcare needs? He also has an unregistered car that he plans on using to instruct our son how to drive with.

Do I just look the other way and let them all live with the choices they've made? As a Mom... that's just SO HARD to do!

Thanks for any suggestions...

[cdad]

Do you have any contact with your children at this time or are you getting all your information 2nd hand ? Another thing you can do is file for custody and ask for a parental evaluation. They are not cheap but it will bring all aspects to light that you have issues with. How do your children feel about living with you on a temporary basis such as visitation etc. Do you still retain legal custody ?

[Justwantfair]

When was the last custody order granted?

[MomWontGiveUp]

Do you have any contact with your children at this time or are you getting all your information 2nd hand ? Another thing you can do is file for custody and ask for a parental evaluation. They are not cheap but it will bring all aspects to light that you have issues with. How do your children feel about living with you on a temporary basis such as visitation etc. Do you still retain legal custody ?

Yes - I see the kids once a week. I think filing for custody right now would probably be unsuccessful. The reason I say this is that the stipulation was just entered this past February. The primary reason I stipulated was because the kids insisted on living with their father and the kids' attorney was doing nothing to assist in resolution (getting the kids to agree to a more standard visitation schedule.)

From what I'm understanding about the court process, BECAUSE I stipulated to this arrangement, it's going to be even tougher to convince a judge that it's in the kids' best interest only 6 months later to change everything. If the kids were ordered to live with me, they'd have to switch schools. They do not want that. I also have rules, where Dad is more permissive. Emotionally, he is about 17 in his approach to parenting :~ What kid WOULDN'T choose that?

The county has evaluations available for just $500. From several stories I've read about Family Court, I don't know that paying $5000 really gets any better results than a county employee evaluation. I chose not to do one earlier this year because the kids protect their dad and have no qualms about putting me in bad light.

I don't have legal custody at all. Therefore, I'm only allowed to consult and gather information from school or medical officials. I can set meetings with teachers, but can't make decisions about education. Because my children are over 14, I can even be prevented from accessing their health records if they have not consented to release it to me.

After I posted this yesterday, I finally received a reply from my ex that he will schedule these appointments. I sent the first email at the beginning of August, the 2nd one two weeks later and the latest one this week. He chose not to respond to my two previous emails but responded to my latest request and said "Thanks for the reminder."

Hopefully... he'll get his act together and make the appointments. I've tried to inform the kids that legally, they have the right to schedule their own doctor's appointments. However, they ask their dad's permission and guidance on everything; totally trusting that he knows what they need and tend to discount anything that I tell them as hogwash :~

[Justwantfair]

In Illinois, you have to wait two years following an agreed order (stipulation) before you can have the 'best interest of child(ren)' reevaluated unless you can prove an immediate harm/danger to the children.

I think that you are correct in feeling you will have a hard time 6 months following.

[MomWontGiveUp]

In Illinois, you have to wait two years following an agreed order (stipulation) before you can have the 'best interest of child(ren)' reevaluated unless you can prove an immediate harm/danger to the children.

I think that you are correct in feeling you will have a hard time 6 months following.

I'll have to check it out in Oregon, but I'll bet there's a similar statute.

Honestly... I don't see ex lasting a full two years in the direction he's going. He has just totally given up on life, I think. I don't feel sorry for him, but I DO feel badly for my kids because he's their dad and they are watching him slowly self-destruct.

Even if they're unhappy with current circumstances with their dad, they'll remain loyal. They feel they need to supervise him; make sure he's not over eating, doing drugs, drinking, gambling... whatever. They also know that if they moved in with me, he'd lose the child support I'm sending. They don't know how much that is but probably feel it would be the difference of staying afloat or sinking.

[cdad]

For one thing you don't want to depend on the county for a parental evaluation. Its more then likely the same people that do it for CPS ( child protective services ) and I don't have confidence in them. Another thing is that at 14 they can't make their own appointments legally for the doctor. They have no authority and can't sign a consent form.. nor can they authorize to pay the bill.

A true parental evaluation isn't a cake walk. So if your children slide down the path of destruction then its up to you to provide them a way out. If he loses the house they may be changing school districts anyway. Another thing is if he can't hold a job he has to be getting his money from somewhere. And that has to be recorded by the courts.

Ref:
A Guide To The Parenting Evaluation Process

[MomWontGiveUp]

Thanks, Dad - I must've misunderstood about making their own appointments. If not - I'll see if I can find something published that supports what I previously thought. I know that when I requested family counseling, I was not allowed access to either child's information unless they signed the consent to release the information.

I have to tell you that while I was waiting for my hearing last month, there was an evaluator on the stand testifying for another family. I recognized her because she was recommended to me by my first attorney and my ex's attorney rejected her saying "Anyone but XXX XXX!" Anyway - this woman did not come cheaply (I think her fee was at least $2500) and she was horrible on the stand - just horrible. Feable, indecisive and had no clue how to scrutinize her choice of words in legal documents. I'm glad I didn't waste my money on her. But it made me think: Are any of them really any good? Especially when many judges tend to be kind of arrogant in the thought that they're already a good judge of character as to who's the better parent, etc.

From what I know (through the kids), they've been looking at rentals nearby. Knowing that area fairly well, there aren't many 3 bdrm rentals under $1300 - $1500 (more than my mortgage payment!) so how the heck is he going to get a lease with no job? I wonder. The only way I can see is if his parents either co-sign or take the lease under their name and sub-let the unit to him (which many leases don't allow.) I can get myself worked up wondering about all the "what-if's" so I'm just going to have to wait, I think. If he stays in that house, I WILL have it investigated by the health department come winter time, as having no heat would be an issue (one would think?)

Further, at this stage in the game of life, I have to wonder how ex will ever become employed again. At 50 years of age and having no work history for the past 5 years, employers are going to look for more suitable (and safer) prospects. He's also extremely obese (which I know would be discimination, but we know the realities.) And you're right - there's money coming from somewhere and what I send in child support isn't enough to rent out a studio apartment here, let alone SUPPORT all three of them.

I will certainly review your link. Thanks so much!