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CarlyT · Oct 3, 2006, 04:18 PM

Almost 2 years ago, I lost a custody battle for my daughter to my ex. The reason I lost is because my current husband and I had a drinking problem and domestic violence was a result of that.

We have both been sober for 2 years and 3 months now, and no longer have domestic issues. We both successfully compelted alcohol treatment and Domistic Violence classes and are held in high regards by our counselors for or participation and obvious desire to learn from our mistakes. My ex works as a car salesman and is gone all of the time. My daughter is basically being raised by his girlfriend of 5 years. During the custody battle when the girlfriend was asked to describe my daughter, she gave then an analogy that said she is loud. When it was over, and the judge was scolding each of us for our wrong doings, she said she didn't think the girlfriend was committed and capable of "mothering" my daughter.

My ex was also told to get my daughter into counseling, something he did nothing about. I finally decided to put her into counseling myself even though I only had her every other weekend.

My daughter cries to me when she is here that she wishes she could live with me again. She loves here dad, of course, but she never sees him. My problem is that he has probably the best attorney in our area, and I can not afford one at all. I have applied for legal assistance for low income families, but I'm concerned I won't be successful up against his "super-attorney".

I am a stay at home mom and miss my daughter dearly. Her dad moved about 3 hours away while in the middle of the battle 2 years ago. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

excon · Oct 5, 2006, 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by CarlyT

but I'm concerned I won't be succesful up against his "super-attorney".

Hello Carly:

And, you may lose. But you need to try. And, then try again if you're not successful. If I were the judge, I'd give her to you.

excon

SINGLE4 · Oct 5, 2006, 06:03 AM

Hi Carly!

I am curious as to how old your daughter is!

I agree with excon that you need to at least try! I went through a custody battle myself with my ex-husband 4 years after we divorced and as emotionally stressful as it was... it was worth it! My daughter use to cry that she wanted to be with me full time (instead of 4 days a week). That is all I needed to give me strength to go through it!

Yes, there are attorneys out there that aren't very good but that doesn't mean that if you get an attorney that does pro bono work that they aren't very good. I worked for an attorney in my area for 3 years and the attorney that worked at legal services, which based the fee on someone's income whether it was a reduced fee or pro bono, was an excellent attorney. She has kids of her own and was aggressive in court! I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because an attorney does reduced to "free" legal services doesn't mean they aren't very good!

GO FOR IT!! Your daughter needs her MOTHER!

ScottGem · Oct 5, 2006, 08:53 AM

Get an attorney, show them the transcript of the hearing where the judge said what she did about the g/f. The attorney should be able to get you back before that same judge (assuming she's still on the bench). If you do, you stand a good chance of getting custody. You have three things going for you:

1) the judge's opinion of the g/f
2) the daughter's desire to live with you
3) your commitment and success at cleaning up your act.

But you do NEED an attorney to represent you.

CarlyT · Oct 5, 2006, 01:42 PM

Thank you for your answeres. I just need to get up the emotional courage and go for it. As far as my daughters age... she is 8 years old.

One more question, I also have a 13 year old daughter that I have full custody of and she lives with me full time. Does anyone know if it is appropriate for me to call her as a witness to tell the judge about our home? She can verify that my husband and I no longer drink, that we do not use drugs and that we no longer fight. She is very mature and would be an excellent witness to what I am claiming has changed since that hearing 2 years ago, but I do not want the judge to disapprove of my having her testify.

Thanks an advance.

SINGLE4 · Oct 5, 2006, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by CarlyT

Thank you for your answeres. I jsut need to get up the emotional courage and go for it. As far as my daughters age...she is 8 years old.

One more question, I also have a 13 year old daughter that I have full custody of and she lives with me full time. Does anyone know if it is appropriate for me to call her as a witness to tell the judge about our home? She can verify that my husband and I no longer drink, that we do not use drugs and that we no longer fight. She is very mature and would be an excellent witness to what I am claiming has changed since that hearing 2 years ago, but I do not want the judge to disapprove of my having her testify.

Thanks an advance.

Your daughter is at the age where a lot of "female" things are happening or will soon be here so I think it is VERY important to be with her mother to guide her through everything!

Second... yes! You can have your daughter whom is 13 testify if the judge allows! In Nebraska the age is 14 years old to testify without approval from the judge! I think the judge with allow your 13 year old to testify! Heck... depending on when your daughter's birthday is... by the time you go to court for trial... she may be 14!

Good luck!

CarlyT · Oct 5, 2006, 03:38 PM

Single4

Thank you. I agree that she needs to be with her mom. She wants to be and her dad's girlfriend doesn't nuture her in the way she needs to be nurtured. Sydney (my daughter's name) complains about having to stay with her all of the time and never seeing her dad.

Thanks again for your advice. I think my 13 yr old will be a powerful witness in court, as she lives the life I'm proposing for Sydney everyday. She knows the loving home we provide.

Carly

ScottGem · Oct 5, 2006, 04:25 PM

I would definitely discuss this with your older daughter. I would prepare her to possibly give testimony, but I would not make use of her unless necessary. By putting her on the stand, your ex's atty will be allowed to question her. And that could backfire.

CarlyT · Oct 5, 2006, 07:00 PM

Scott,

In what way do you think it could backfire? I want to be completely prepared and I want to prepare her as well. I would think that the judge wouldn't appreciate it if his atty is mean to her like he would any other witness. But maybe I'm niave about that? Thanks for the input.

Carly

ScottGem · Oct 6, 2006, 06:19 AM

I think you are being naïve about that. A good atty can twist a witness without being mean. And judges are bound by the law, not necessarily concern for the witness.

Have you ever punished your daughter? Grounded her? Made her stay in her room for a long period? Sent her to bed without supper? See what I'm getting at? These are all valid questions that aren't being "mean", but could be used to paint a picture of you as an over bearing parent.

SINGLE4 · Oct 6, 2006, 06:41 AM

Scott... I do agree with you about opposing attorneys being "aggressive" with witness! Good point!

Carly... I would suggest (which your attorney will probably say the same thing) to ask the judge to have the child be questioned in his chamber! It would only be the judge, the two attorneys and the child. I have been at court hearings where this is done! The judge put the child under his wing and made sure of no badgering! At my custody trial we objected to my 10 year old daughter getting on the stand (which getting on the stand was my ex-husband's idea). When a child gets up on the stand and sees both parents looking at them... they get scared! They have a definite opinion but they don't want to upset the other parent!

excon · Oct 6, 2006, 07:52 AM

Hello again, Carly:

Listen to Scott. On the one hand, you're worried about his super lawyer. And on the other, you're willing to put your daughter in his hands. How do you think he became super lawyer? By being sweet? He'll make mincemeat out of your daughter, and make you look like a wretch.

Ultimately, this is a call for the lawyer you're going to hire. If HE thinks she should testify, then she should. What you or I think, is irrelevant.

excon

CarlyT · Oct 6, 2006, 10:28 AM

Wow, I didn't think of it like that. I guess I have to really consider whether its important enough to put her through that. His attorney is ruthless. He took me to tears last time. I have heard of the judge taking the child into his/her chambers before... and if my attorney agrees with me I think that is the way I'll go. I have nothing to hide, but who kows how he will be able to twist the simplest of things. Thanks again for your help, all of you.

Carly

ScottGem · Oct 6, 2006, 11:00 AM

In preparing to give testimony in court, you need to keep a few things in mind.

1) Take your time in answering. Cosider carefully the question asked and what your answer should be. Don't be afraid to ask for clarification of the question.
2) Keep your answers short and simple. If you can answer yes or no, then leave it at that. Don't expand on an answer unless asked to. Never give more info then what was asked for.
3) Keep your emotions in check. Answer calmly. If you must show emotion, show ones that put your testimony in the best light. For example, its OK to be indignant if your veracity is challenged. But don't let the questioner get the better of you to the point where you blurt out info you don't want to give.
4) Keep to the truth. Besides been illegal (perjury), trying to keep lies straight is what trips up most witnesses.

CarlyT · Oct 6, 2006, 06:12 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

In preparing to give testimony in court, you need to keep a few things in mind.

1) Take your time in answering. Cosider carefully the question asked and what your answer should be. Don't be afraid to ask for clarification of the question.
2) Keep your answers short and simple. If you can answer yes or no, then leave it at that. Don't expand on an answer unless asked to. Never give more info then what was asked for.
3) Keep your emotions in check. Answer calmly. If you must show emotion, show ones that put your testimony in the best light. For example, its OK to be indignant if your veracity is challenged. But don't let the questioner get the better of you to the point where you blurt out info you don't want to give.
4) Keep to the truth. Besides been illegal (perjury), trying to keep lies straight is what trips up most witnesses.

This site is proving to be amazing. :D Thank you, all three, for all your help with this. Obviously my attorney is going to direct me in the way to go with all of this, but I feel prepared for the worst. Scott, what excellent guidelines for tesitfying. I apprectiate you sharing them with me. All I can do is try, right? I have to for Sydney, and I've decided that if I lose, I will go back over and over until perhaps some day I will wear him out (financially and emotionally). Money is very important to him (he went for custody in the first place because I went for child support for the first time in 6 years)

Anyway, thanks again all of you.

Carly

ScottGem · Oct 6, 2006, 06:29 PM

Good luck! Keep us posted!

nancy513 · Nov 9, 2007, 01:52 PM

Carly, Good Luck to you, I am about to do the same thing, a little different circumstance but none the less a mother trying to get back residential custody. His girlfriend is also raising my daughter, while she's adeqaute she's not her mother. Keep the faith, are you attending meetings AA or NA on a regular basis?

JudyKayTee · Nov 9, 2007, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by CarlyT

Thank you for your answeres. I jsut need to get up the emotional courage and go for it. As far as my daughters age...she is 8 years old.

One more question, I also have a 13 year old daughter that I have full custody of and she lives with me full time. Does anyone know if it is appropriate for me to call her as a witness to tell the judge about our home? She can verify that my husband and I no longer drink, that we do not use drugs and that we no longer fight. She is very mature and would be an excellent witness to what I am claiming has changed since that hearing 2 years ago, but I do not want the judge to disapprove of my having her testify.

Thanks an advance.

No, I would not put a 13 year old in this position - adults crack under questioning; I can't imagine putting a child through that.