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talaniman · Jun 22, 2009, 09:51 AM

but I just feel that this is a whole separate issue and I don't know what approach to take with it.

The issues may be different, but the solution is the same.

We got through it with a lot of talking and problem solving...

Stick with what works.

Cunning is I · Jun 23, 2009, 08:26 AM

OK so everything is his, he is mooching off you, you pay all the bills and his outstanding debt? Where is his responsibility for his actions? 10 grand in debt is a nasty thing to get your girl friend to pay for.

So what are you getting out of this? His love and devotion? Sounds like you moved in with him while he already had the lease. There is no monetary value to a lease unless you can sublet so having your name on that is no biggie.

I entered into a marriage with my eyes wide open. I had no debt at all. She had credit cards and student loans and a mortgage. I got put on the mortgage and the rest of the debt. I pay the mortgage she pays the rest but we OWN everything.

As for COMMON LAW, most places is 6 months these days so you own half of everything.

So, if you want to break up, change the locks keep the place and send his belongings to the address that he forwards.
After all if you live there, you live there and the laws favor... women. Just KEEP THE RENT RECEIPTS!!

pixiegurl · Jun 24, 2009, 05:50 AM

With the rent, it gets paid automatically out of his account. So I transfer the money to his account and then he transfers it to our landlord. I'm just worried that if anything were to ever happen, then our landlord will just say that he is the one that can stay because he is on the lease and I'm not.

I really just am over he whole situation. I am 19 and I feel so pulled down by everything. I should be out having fun and not worrying about this kind of crap right now, at this point in my life. I guess it makes it harder for me because I also have no family or parents so it's not like I could ever just go home if something were to ever happen with my partner and I. I'm screwed from every angle.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2009, 07:48 AM

No matter how little, save a few bucks for yourself, that only you have access to. Sometimes it's a matter of doing things to cover your own a$$, that gives you confidence and security.

N0help4u · Jun 24, 2009, 08:02 AM

Yeah if the paper trail is in his name then in court he wins.
You need to reconstruct everything as far as finances go so it is clear to anybody looking that he hasn't paid a dime and you have been supporting him where it applies. Don't out money in his acct.
If you have to, set up an acct specifically for bills.
You also need to get tough on him about money.
Like my boyfriend gives me $50. A week but then he almost always borrows it back through the week and still claims he gives me money. He blows money and then he gets on me for spending $20. A week at flea markets and on things I like to do.
I am cracking down on him as much as possible.
Keep a journal on where all your money goes as well as any money he gives you for whatever reasons.

liz28 · Jun 24, 2009, 08:58 AM

Since you pay for everything you are capable of getting your own place and building a life for yourself. You don't need him and you shouldn't settle. You should be out enjoying life and shouldn't feel pulled down. I think you're a strong women with your priorities in order. You can do it without him but I don't think he can without you. You deserve so much more.

pixiegurl · Jul 4, 2009, 02:09 AM

So I haven't been on here in a while so I thought I would give an update to the situation.

Firstly, the money. Things are still a bit tight but I am currently starting to save my own money in my own account that he can't access. I feel like I'm betraying him a bit because having that account is really a security for if anything happens and I don't want him to feel like I'm EXPECTING anything to happen. If something happens though, he has somewhere to live whereas I more than likely won't so I think I'm fully justified but I'm not sure if he sees it that way.

Secondly, we have been working on our communication skills a lot. When I start to feel jealousy or anything like that popping up I say to myself that I can't control anything or any other person does and that I need to stop living my life cautiously as if anything bad was going to happen any minute now. I tell myself that he is loving, caring, kind, affectionate, supportive and loyal and this really does actually help a lot to have these kinds of affirmations. I mean, I don't want to be saying that to myself forever, but the way I see it... I feel untrusting because of my history so it feels like being automatically negative about situtions is just an in built behaviour to protect myself, so with careful consideration and planning I hope that eventually I will be able to see things in a different way. My problem comes though when I find that my boyfriend still keeps secrets. I have asked him for the time being to please be more open and considerate, just until we get past these problems. He told me that he wanted to do that and work on this with me as much as possible, and then I find out that he has been invited to parties by some girls and he has kept it from me! I asked him why he didn't tell me and all he keeps saying is, I forgot. I haven't hounded the situation with him, I know that he probably has to adjust too but I feel like I'm putting in more effort about this then he is. Any other suggestions?

Thanks :)

talaniman · Jul 4, 2009, 10:57 AM

How do you forget to ask your wife to go with you while your getting ready and planning to leave? That just doesn't work for me. You make sure "I forgot" doesn't work for you either. Ask him how would he feel if you forgot, when you go out to a party?

Give them and inch, they will take a mile. That's the downside of letting unacceptable behavior slide.

pixiegurl · Aug 27, 2009, 03:19 AM

Threads merged

My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year now and lately it just seems like her is never at home in the evenings. He attends uni during the day and I work, but then I get home and he is never there because he has other commitments, like his part time job twice a week, music rehearsals three times a week! So all up he is gone 5 nights a week, while I'm at home feeling lonely and cooking dinner for myself. There has just been a really big shift in our schedules and its so hard trying to keep up with each other. Its really starting to have its toll on our relationship where I resent each other and so we keep fighting a lot when we do actually get to see each other. Ideas, thoughts?

kctiger · Aug 27, 2009, 05:34 AM

Talk to each other about your resentments and make the time you do spend together matter. Welcome to the real world... this is how a lot of younger couples spend their time living together, with extreme schedules and very little time for each other.

jmjoseph · Aug 27, 2009, 05:59 AM

Time apart makes life lonely, I know. But, to put things in perspective, think about our allied forces serving overseas for several months at a time. I know a woman who hasn't seen her newborn child in months. She had the baby, and 6 weeks later she's in Iraq.

Think about their situation, and be grateful for all the time you have with your man. Seems a little better, huh? The schedules will get better in time, right? Until then, do like KC said make the most out of the time you do have. Do special things.

J_9 · Aug 27, 2009, 06:01 AM

Time apart can be tough, I know. I work nights and hubby works days. We never get to see each other, but when we do it's special.

I wish · Aug 27, 2009, 08:03 AM

Try to sit him down and work out a better schedule. But like others have pointd out, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. But quantity can be nice too. So try to find some compromise so that the two of you can spend more time together.

talaniman · Aug 27, 2009, 10:59 AM

You should have your own things to do every evening. Why just sit, and be lonely, when you could be enjoying your time, and freedom??

You would have no resentments, or fights, if you were busy yourself.

ZoeMarie · Aug 27, 2009, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You should have your own things to do every evening. Why just sit, and be lonely, when you could be enjoying your time, and freedom???

You would have no resentments, or fights, if you were busy yourself.

I had to spread the rep, but that's what I was going to say.

Go out and have fun, rather than sitting at home and waiting around. Take up some new hobbies, make new friends. Then if he comes home and you're not there, it will give him time to miss you too. =)

pixiegurl · Sep 3, 2009, 04:59 PM

Threads merged
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and we have always been quite open about our previous sexual relations but although I have never told him, it really really gets to me how many girls he has slept with. I don't know what to do about it. Any suggestions?

none12345 · Sep 3, 2009, 05:45 PM

If you love him, you should be able to overlook it.

pixiegurl · Sep 3, 2009, 07:22 PM

I think just overlooking it would be ignoring my feelings about it though.

Survivor07 · Sep 3, 2009, 07:22 PM

Everybody has a past. It's what makes us who we are today.

You are his present and that's all that matters.

Leave the past where it belongs... in the past.

As far as getting over it, if you can't, it may be because you are young and inexperienced with men. It's your own insecurities. There is nothing your boyfriend can do to change his past. It's up to you to get past it and I have no suggestions on how to do that, other than to tell yourself over and over that it is unimportant to the relationship you two have now.

pixiegurl · Sep 3, 2009, 07:25 PM

If it's in the past why does he still talk about the other girls that he has had sex with? It makes me feel like I have a lot to live up to, and the fact that he says these other girls were hot and pretty makes me feel low.