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I'm currently living with my boyfriend of 14 months and everything has been going well, but lately I feel like he owns everything and that if we were to break up I would have nothing. The lease of our apartment is in his name and all the furniture and equipment is his. I came into this living situation not having anything, but I feel that I should at least be able to be apart of the lease. I don't know if I'm thinking too much about this, or if I feel that I don't have any say over anything in the house or because I came into the relationship with nothing then I don't get a say about it. Should I move out and get my own place or just suck it up and get over it?? Please help.

Obviously you are concerned that he has this kind of control over you. Maybe it's a passive one, and maybe he doesn't abuse it, but it's still control. It's good that you recognize this, but you need to ask yourself if you really want to be independent, or if part of your motivation to stay in this relationship is because you are so well taken care of.

Your best bet is to sit down and talk to him now, before any kind of negative emotions build up. Let him know that you feel like you have no control over your life. If you're living there, and it's your only place to stay, then your name should be on the lease. No excuses there. If you already help with bills and other expenses, then there's all the more reason to be on it.

Generally speaking, if you can't be secure with your own life, then you shouldn't be trying to share it with someone else.

~ Tee

I think you have a natural concern, but you should be talking to him about this. Let him know that you want a bigger role in contributing financially. I'm sure the two of you can work something out. You just need to talk to him.

Communication is key!

Im quite interested in that fact that you are thinking about "If we were to break up" already... is there any reason for you to think like that? Are you planning to? Has he made any indication he wants to? If not, try not to have such thoughts in your mind, as that could be where your insecurities about possessions comes from.

Maybe you could get some small stuff to put in the house to make it feel more like yours. They don't have to be huge things, but like maybe a lamp here or a chair or vase there. Something to show that you have a part in the place and have made your mark here and its not just all his stuff...

You love them and if they love you there is no issue. If you moved in having nothing, so when you move out you are no further behind, Are you saving money from your job? Do you have a job.

And on the lease ? Then you have to pay, even if you move out if he does not.

I'm not sure what being on the lease would get you except for the responsibility for the rent if you split up. If you split up one of you has to leave and at this point it would probably be you. Going on the lease really isn't going to be a positive for you, really.

If you're not concerned about breaking up but just looking for some security, maybe you could put money away so that you know that you will be okay no matter what. That might make you feel good and you won't have to worry about what ifs.

If you're unsure about the security of your relationship, maybe you need to have a talk with your boyfriend.

Thank you to everyone for replying.

I have had a think about things and I think that these feelings are definitely coming from feeling insecure. I have a full time job, and he is currently studying so basically I pay all the bills. I haven't ever thought that paying the bills was unfair, because I know that he has no money, but he also has a $10,500 debt.. which he had before I came into the relationship and so I am helping to pay that off by putting regular payments on it each week. I think maybe I feel like I am footing the bills for everything, but don't feel like I am getting any reward for it... if that makes sense? If I'm paying for everything, then surely I should have the right to have my own things in the house and have my name on the lease?

I don't have money to save for myself as security if anything was to ever happen, and when I have talked to him about this he just says that he would never just kick me out, that he would leave until I found somewhere else to stay... but when it comes down to the crunch.. and if something bad were to really happen then I don't know how much of his word I could trust...

Thoughts??

Now that we have heard the whole thing, you have a logical claim about the lease if you are paying for it. Talk with him about getting your name on the lease, nothing will get solved by not communicating.

Second, why doesn't he have a job?

Ink and paper are the only thing that counts. He can tell you anything he wants, but if it's only his name on the lease, he can legally tell you to leave. Are you at least keeping track of what you're spending via checks or receipts? It will help if things go bad to have official documentation of what you're spending, but honestly without your name on that lease it's just going to cause more frustration.

He's taking advantage of your generosity, plain and simple. It's not as much of a problem as long as you are on the same page emotionally and can stay committed to making your relationship work; however, he has to be willing make sacrifices. Why doesn't he have an income? If he does, then why are you paying for so much of his debt?

It's OK to help someone out, but remember that they don't owe you anything. If you think that this is somehow keeping your relationship together, you are sadly mistaken. What happens when you can't pay anymore? Is he going to leave you to find someone else who will pay for all his crap?

Talk to him about this, set goals and split the costs down the middle if you must. You're living together, so you should both be putting an equal amount in to the bills, as well as the rest of your relationship ;)

~ Tee

Stop paying his debts.

Okay now this makes sense. Yes, if you are paying all the bills and have no money left over for you, you're feeling insecure for a reason.

I agree you need to talk to him. I also think he needs to kick in some money. No such thing as a free ride. I went to school full time while working full time while I had 3 kids as a single parent, so I would definitely get him to kick in some money.

If your smart, stay off the lease, and share the finances, where you can have control over your own cash. He gets the benefit of you working, but can he stay where he is, without you working?

You have more leverage than you think, and should use it wisely in your own behalf. Paying all the bills, makes no sense to me.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If your smart, stay off the lease, and share the finances, where you can have control over your own cash. He gets the benefit of you working, but can he stay where he is, without you working?

You have more leverage than you think, and should use it wisely in your own behalf. Paying all the bills, makes no sense to me.

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Yes, there are two ways at looking at this.

1) If you don't put your name on the lease, you're not financially liable. So if rent isn't being paid, the landlord can only sue your boyfriend. But your boyfriend can kick you out anytime and you won't have any say.

2) If your name is on the lease, then you have a right to live at your place, but you can be sued for the entire amount of the leave, even when your boyfriend doesn't pay his share.

Paying all the bills definitely doesn't make any sense, but if he has such a big debt, you don't really have a choice. I hope that he's planning on paying you back? What happens if you break up? How is going to pay his share?

I have concerns about your paying his debt. Even is he's studying, he can get a part time job and whittle away at his student loans, or whatever it is you're paying for. If you can afford the apartment if things head south between the two of you, then I'd push to get on the lease. If not, it might be safer to leave things in his name.

Yes, he isn't in school all day.

However, he loves the set up he got going on. You pay all the bills and his debts and I bet the two of you are having sex. To be honest I wouldn't love this deal too but being the person that I am, I wouldn't let my partner do this.

Even if he gets a job at a fast food place it would help. A real man wouldn't put this heavy burden on you.

Also, I hope you made him sign a note acknowledging the payments your making towards his debts isn't a loan. I hate to see him making away debt free if things doesn't work out. You might not own nothing but your paying for everything.

Just my two cents.

It does not seem fair that you are footing all of the bills as that would limit your ability to buy what you need for your own place,should you decide to ever move.

By law,I believe if you have been living there,he has to award you the same rights as a tenant on a lease.Meaning he would have to give you 30 days notice if he ever decided to do so.

I don't know why you are paying for everything but that seems very unfair.It is also limiting you from acquiring your own independence should you desire it.

I completely understand that you are paying for a home with all the trappings but not acquiring anything that is personally yours.That would cause me concern as well.

He should at least be responsible for paying the previous debt.
Even if he has to deal with a debt consolidation service,he may be able to bring his debt and or interest down.

Here is a link I think you may find useful,for his previous debt that he needs to tend to.
Debt Consolidation Program | Credit Counseling Service Debt Settlement & Debt Reduction - Superior Debt Relief

You keep receipts proving you paid everything. If you break up in some states you can go after him for palamony.
When I first read this I thought you were concerned about you leaving with nothing and wondered where the relationship is when you are concerned about going into a relationship with nothing and leaving with nothing but since you are paying the bills I would think he should compensate you on some things if you broke up. Keep a detailed record of your money and the bills and things you buy.

I would say that if you moved into the apartment with nothing, and bought nothing, then you should leave with nothing.
If you are paying more than half of the expenses, then it's your own fault if you leave with nothing. If you are loaning him any money, you should get a promissory note that he'll pay you back.
My guess is that you are banking on a future with this guy. If this guy has never mentioned that he'll pay you back, he must be thinking that he earned the money your paying out for him.

Thanks everyone for all the responses.

I have since sat him down and had a chat to him and I have told him that I am giving him a month to get a job, after which I am not going to pay another cent towards anything. I just feel like all my money is being sucked out of me and there isn't ever anything left over for me! I would like to start thinking about getting a better car and if I'm going to continue paying his share/debts then that won't ever happen.

I'm not paying everything because I feel like this is the only way that I will be able to keep him around, I think I just started paying for everything because if I didn't then we wouldn't have any food in the house or electricity etc! But now its just become too convenient for him.

So my action plan for the moment is that I have given him an ultimatum to get a job and start contributing! I don't know whether I should start halving everything down the middle with him when he/if he gets a job or what? I don't know how to divide everything up.. thoughts on that?

I think some people have made a good point about staying off the lease though. I never thought about it in that way... so that has definitely given me some food for thought!


Once again, thanks so much for all the responses! I really really appreciate all of the comments and help from everyone!!

Would you have any reasons to break up? If not, don't worry about it and trust that the relationship will last. If so, then why are you still with him, if you're just going to end up breaking up and doing all those things for him.