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Hey... I'm sitting at work right now and trying to just think things out once again. Just when I think he may understand where I'm coming from on everything it turns out he really doesn't but that's really no big surprise to me or anyone here on this site watching this thread.
I'm not here to whine or complain but just to talk things out. It is very difficult to leave my situation and I'm sure I'm scared to be along. Yes, I think well... it's not that bad. I know all these are normal reactions. I have not visited a shelter yet because I don't want to face what's going on. Being in denial and just hoping for an uneventful okay day is all I can do right now. I know it's sad and pathetic with all the support and good advise everyone has given me but... it is what it is... He does have court soon and I did get called to testify. I can't lie in a court of law but I can't help put him in prison either even though his actions are what got him into this situation to begin with. I have some tough decisions and I'm going to plead the 5th hoping to get out of making them... we'll see. Just like everyone has said, he is nice nice nice and then the true behavior surfaces again. I had a little scare the other day but again like so many have said he isn't pushing things because of the trouble he's already in. He kept on and on and I pushed one of his buttons (mocking what he said while arguing) and he looked like he was going to throw something. Righ away... he says "go ahead and call the cops" and things like that because I flinched and moved away. Made me think if he didn't have all this over his head what would he have done? Believe me I think about these things every day. I always question how I let things get to this point and why I continue to be in this situation. When I get the nerve to say or do something things get better and then it's easier to just not cause waves. With dealing with work (both of them), the house short sale, and everything else... I am a coward and take the easy way out. I've read it sometimes takes years for someone to be ready to go but when they are ready... they know. I will have that time, but now isn't it. Well, just wanted all that are still following this thread not to think he killed me or something so that's why I'm posting. One day at a time and that's all I have in me at the moment. I have faith things will all work out good in the end if I go with my gut on things... Thanks again... LovesAnimals |
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As you say - one day at a time. You're working on things. Stop beating yourself up! You are doing the best you can at this time. (The stop beating yourself up is, in fact, an order - STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.) I have never shared this and no one who hasn't been there will understand BUT I had an abusive ex-husband. I had him arrested. The Police carted him out of the house. I took him back - I know, stupid. I was afraid of him, very afraid of him when he drank which he did very often. And then one day he came home drunk and kicked at our dog. I threw him out the next day. You never know what it takes to force you to make a decision. You will reach that point. No one knows when, not even you. |
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In this situation, I wouldn't go with the flow. Take it one day at a time but don't justify the reasons he hurts you. What he does isn't right. Even if you made him mad, that doesn't excuse him hurting you. "Love doesn't hurt, it is kind and gentle," keep that in mind. You should help in putting him in jail. You may think that if you don't help he won't be as mean and nasty to you. However he won't. He made his own choices and now has to face the consequences of his actions. If you don't testify on what he did to you, you're basically just giving him a get out of jail free card. He doesn't deserve that. Anyway, keep your head up and never lose sight of hope. |
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Yes... I'm okay sort of... I haven't posted anything because I've been trying to go back and read everything on this thread as a way to remind myself what actually happened. As time goes by things get more faded in my mind.
I am just living every day as it comes and trying to deal with the day to day crap on top of all the working I do. My husband was telling me about how he was talking about his case to a fellow he always sees at court when he's there. I think they have the same lawyer or something... Well this guy questioned if I was backing him up and how our relationship was. My husband told him that we aren't doing great but no matter if I wanted to divorce him I wouldn't do it during the case because it would make it look bad. That gave me hope that he knew where I was coming from on things... but this weekend proved otherwise. The forced sex happened again on Friday/Saturday morning when I got home from work at around 2:30am. Not violent at all but just pursistant you know so I just gave in... I called off to work Sat night because he wanted to go to a BBQ but then he "had to take care of something" with his club so I just stayed home and went to be early. He said he was staying out there but then shows up just standing by the bed at 12mid and freaked me out. Cancelled plans on Sunday with my friend because I didn't feel like driving anywhere and he invited me to the bike event he was going to... so I said sure. Everything was okay Sunday morning and then he made the comment "I'm flat" and you can guess what he meant and I said nothing! Then he says... "I can't live like this" which I've heard so many times when he's having a tantrum! I took a shower and then he jumped in his. I was sweeping out the dog area and he comes out and says... what are you doing. I said sweeping and he goes on some tangent about me being a "rat" and telling on him and WOW all from sweeping and not telling him what I was doing first. He said I ignored him and I said no... just his comment about being flat... To shorten this (sorry about the length) yelling and more yelling and then he's mad cause I yelled and people may be listening and then the DA will investigate and talk to the neighbors... In the middle of the fighting I lost it and told him I'd had enough and to get the "F" out. Told him anything he took that I was paying on I would stop payment... but he didn't leave... He threw his keys and gauged the wall and then that crazed look went over his face. I cringed and then he calmed down a little. Thank goodness he had to be somewhere so he left but said he wasn't going to help me with the project at the house he'd promised to... Then I get a text asking if I was home he would come back and we could work on the project... That didn't happen because when he got back it was more tangent on how his character is misunderstood and he's a stand up guy... I helped get all the materials together for the project but I didn't do enough to help... Nothing is ever enough!! Now I know you have all told me it would be like this... but court is in early August so closure is coming soon one way or another... |
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Hi... I just wanted to answer your questions...
First off, I know the sex isn't forced like a rape victum and I would never ever compare what I'm going through with that at all. It is more like pressured sex, you are right JudyKayTee. He keeps pulling at my clothes to take them off even after I've said no I don't want to. He'll stop and then he'll pout and then he'll start again and then rather than dealing with that all night I just give in so I can get some peace and he'll be in a good mood. He tells me how upset it makes him feel that he repulses me. He doesn't repulse me... just his touch. After what happened between us I can't help but pull away when he wants to cuddle (which is only usually done if he wants sex) or touch or have sex. It's just a natural reaction I have... probably because of what he did. I don't trust... And yes he is still blaming me for the situation we are in. He's saying I've cost us almost $20,000 because I said something to the Dr. Do I regret saying something to the Dr?? Yes most of the time I do. I don't want him to have to go to prison because I care about him. And all this with the bail bond and attorney has cost us a lot of money we could have used towards other bills... But it's not all my fault this all happened. I'm not saying I'm perfect of completely innocient in having our crappy relationship but all I did was build resentment... from him not trying harder to pay stuff so I only had to work one job... him talking to me meanly... and tantrum if he didn't get his way... He twists it around that I have to always have my way and then my head gets so spun around I think maybe it's true... I honestly thought it was all done on Sunday. I reached a breaking point and told him to get out and that anything he took I currently pay for would no longer be taken care of and just told him everything that was on my mind. Today he sent me a message apologizing yet again and telling me that he knows he has to settle down because he's only making things worse, but he's scared. I understand he is scared... Probably seems so unreal to him... He probably feels like one minute he's married, has pretty much all the toys he wants, and one would think he'd be happy but he just wanted more and more. Push and push. First he lost his job and then I pulled the rest of his world out from under him. He paniced to get it back... In the past he could always scare me back into it by threatening to leave but this time I had asked him to leave... Then he tried other tactics and they didn't work and then the attacking... which did work in his eyes because he moved back... Yesterday he was yelling at me that I ruined his life and just wait and I'll see how it feels... I don't think either one of us ruined each other's life's... just we took a really really bad turn and didn't make the corner... |
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I feel for you, I really do. I can relate to the self-doubt you feel, but make no mistake about it, everything you described is abuse and him manipulating you, playing with your head, trying to keep control, never ending denial as to his part in this, it's not love and never will be. You're in my thoughts. Be safe |
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Hi, I have no updates except things are just getting tougher and tougher for me. I just found out they are reducing my hours at work (the 1st one) and I can't possibly work any more hours at the second one...
My husband borrowed our truck to a friend who fell asleep and crashed it into a guard rail on the freeway... Now I'm letting him handle the insurance claim and square it all away to get fixed but he's not keeping me informed. He's been staying gone and only coming home when I'm not there to give me my space... but he's now not helping with anything around the house. Guess I should get used to it... but... I tried to count on him for one thing and he didn't follow through. He didn't respond to my text so I had no idea where he was. I needed him to wait for FedEx. I had to leave work to make sure the package was put inside and turns out he had been home but left. Could have avoided a lot if he'd just told me!! Plus he had the air running and lights on and not even there! I'm trying to pay all the bills and he was just wasting money!! I got so mad I left him a voice message yelling at him which I never do. That's one reason he's not come back too... because I B**ched at him... I was having a panic attach over all of that (seems trivial but after everything I've gone through and deal with and do for him) so I took some Xanx. Mistake because I drank at work and just not good... I feel like everything is falling apart. I think he's finally realizing that our relationship will never be the same and he's trying to pull himself out of it I think and that's why he stays gone... I don't know?? Even though we fight when he is around I feel hurt and upset that he's staying gone. Guess I'm feeling rejected or I don't know? My emotions are all over the place!! I'm bascially a wreck and questioning everything in life and feel like all my work and feelings and everything has been for nothing, worth nothing. I feel like nothing.. What phase is this?? I just don't see any point in anything right now... I know you've all given me great advice that I've not taken but I could use some help here... I don't understand why he's blowing me off? What is he hoping to accomplish? Is it a game or is he moving on. Guess I always have hoped and still hoped he come around. I'm just a wrek!! |
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Remember you can't change who he is or what he do. Change starts with you and only you. You have to realize what kind of a man he is and stop hoping he will turn into the man you want him to be. It will never happen and your dealing with the results now. |
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You're feeling rejected because you are. He doesn't love you. You want him to be the man of the house, who takes care of things and takes care of you and appreciates and loves you. The husband who cares for the well-being of his wife and wants to share a life with her. He will never be that man and you're maybe just starting to realize that and you feel alone and empty because of all you put into the marriage, all the years of your life, and all the work you've done paying all the bills yourself and keeping him... I could go on and on. But my guess is that's why you're feeling "worthless" because, as you see it, no matter what you've done or continue to do, he is not happy with you. You need to see it, that he has issues and would not be happy with anyone and more importantly, you will never be happy with this man (let's not forget the fact he is capable of killing you). Neither of you respect the other; neither of you really loves the other. You are dependent upon each other; you're attached. You're both afraid to be alone. You would be just fine on your own. The only mess in your house you'd have to take of is your own. The only bills you'd have to pay are your own. And the insurance thing? Oh, he'll take care of it. He'll probably keep the money and spend it on... well, if it were my ex... drugs. As far as him blowing you off, I can't answer that. My ex would do the same thing. Disappear. You see, you're alone anyway. You are totally alone in this marriage. It is worse to be married and alone than it is to just be... alone. Alone can be good, revitalizing... really clear your mind. He, however, could not make it without you and he knows it. He also knows that he can treat you however he wants to because you will not leave him. He almost killed you and you're still there! You're working yourself to death to take care of the both of you and you still don't kick him out the door. You are losing respect for yourself! You are not worthless. The rest of your life is not worthless. Do not waste it on him. Be safe... and hopefully, someday, be happy. |
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He is giving you an out... take it! As he starts to rely less on you, do the same... work towards relying less on him. It's another opportunity to break those ties. Never easy, you will find from time to time that you still hope for what you think might have been, but it will get easier for you to see that it is not possible with this relationship. This relationship is broken and there is no bringing it back to a state that would be healthy for you... or for him. In time, it can be possible with someone else. He is giving you the opportunity to be strong, stand up for yourself, take care of your needs yourself, plan for and work towards the future you dream of having. |
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ASK yourself why do you take the abuse? Why do you stay in a situation that you can get hurt by someone? Do you have family? You better get away from this situation before it progresses to something awful. Your life is in jeopardy. Get AWAY from this man. |
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Hey... it's been a while since I posted anything. Probably frustrating to most of you... I'm still pretty much in the same situation. I know I'm the only one that can change things for myself so it's up to me to take the steps...
Had court last week and I took the 5th and they allowed it for now. I just can't lie in a court room so I really don't want to say anything. Why can't they just prosecute based on the evidence? They have the pictures and statements so what more do they need? I'm not going to help them put him in prison but I'm not trying to protect him either and that's why I took the 5th. I'm in a much better state of mind now than on my last post. I've pulled it together and I'm making myself face reality and prepare myself for a future without him either way. A life with a future. I don't make him happy and vise versa. I'm trying to stay focused on work... and taking care of me... cause I'm all I have. It is possible to put yourself first without being selfish... it's called self love not being selfish. I always feel better being nice to others and helping others but I have to begin to start with me otherwise all the rest is just fake or a way to ignore the unhappiness. I will keep you posted on how everything goes.. And no I don't like the abuse... at all. My husband mostly stays gone now when I'm home to give me space cause all we do is argue. Hopefully he's beginning to realize things will never ever be the same... |
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 Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
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I was with a man for ten years, and he was not physically abusive, however the mental and emotional abuse went on and on. I was scared like you, torn between loving him, and being afraid to move on in life, of being alone, well nearly a year later, I am at a great place in my life, I am getting to know myself and no longer dealing with his issues. I can finally embrace myself and love myself, something I wanted and expected my ex to do a certain way, hoping he would change, but he just was not the person I wanted or needed. Yes 7 1/2 years is a long time, so is my ten years but it is not wasted time. I can walk away knowing I gave 110%, and there was nothing more I could do. Love is not enough. That is just an ingredient in a whole saucer to make the relationship. Walk away now and get yourself respect back. Then maybe a year or two later, you can look on this site, and be a survivor like me :) |
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