[fishburn7]

OK the list... it's down to 3 things because the rest are stupid but..
1.) drinking on weekdays.. I know it's dumb everyone does it but I can not stand it.. like absolutely can't stand it.. when I think about it it drives me nuts and my head goes crazy cause I can see it in our future..

2.) telling me other guys are hot. One time a while back she asked me if she could have one night with a celebrity that she thinks is perfect apparently which made me very mad of course.. so I told her about it and it stopped until recently. Now she tells me about hot guys everywhere and even goes as fas as... "you should look like that"

3.) treating me differently when we're with friends.. mine or hers... for example I'm in mechanical engineering at school and one of the classes I worked my off for a D, which I was very upset about because I did do all I could and still only got a D. so I told her I got a D and she said she was proud of me... until we went to a concert with our friends and probably about 6 times that night she laughed at me saying "haha you got a D" and "who's never got a D in college?"

Yes I know the actual argument sounds very childish but it's the concept of the whole thing,
Something I ligitemately feel horrible about she's poking fun at

[88sunflower]

ok the list.... it's down to 3 things because the rest are stupid but..
1.) drinking on weekdays.. i know it's dumb everyone does it but i can not stand it.. like absolutly can't stand it.. when i think about it it drives me nuts and my head goes crazy cause i can see it in our future..

2.) telling me other guys are hot. one time a while back she asked me if she could have one night with a celebrity that she thinks is perfect apparently which made me very mad of course.. so i told her about it and it stopped until recently. now she tells me about hot guys everywhere and even goes as fas as... "you should look like that"

3.) treating me differently when we're with friends.. mine or hers... for example i'm in mechanical engineering at school and one of the classes i worked my off for a D, which i was very upset about because i did do all i could and still only got a D. so i told her i got a D and she said she was proud of me... until we went to a concert with our friends and probably about 6 times that night she laughed at me saying "haha you got a D" and "who's never got a D in college?"

yes i know the actual arguement sounds very childish but it's the concept of the whole thing,
something i ligitemately feel horrible about she's poking fun at

The drinking on week days could just be her thing right now. Unless its out of control I wouldn't worry. Your young and have no responsibilities just yet. I don't see that as an issue just yet unless its out of control. I personally have a beer nearly every day. But I function just fine.

Telling you other guys are hot I understand. That would bother me also. But having that "what if" celebrity talk isn't such a big deal. That never going to happen. But her comparing you to others is bad for your ego just like knocking your grades.

Maybe a talk is fine about how she makes you feel. But you need to realize there might be a side to her story also. You might have issues that bother her. Leave it open and talk together. Don't talk at her about what you hate. Talk together about what bothers you and how you can fix it or grow from it.

[fishburn7]

I have brought it up before and she doesn't know why she changes when we're around our friends about the knocking the grades things.. she even cried, but that seemed to do nothing because it still happens...

With the comparing me to other guys things I bring it up and she think's it's stupid. She always hugs me and tells me I'm the sexiest guy out there while I think I'm definanitly not because of what just happened... she seems to think it's no big deal even though I've brought it up several times...


I'm thinking she changes depending on who she's around because she doesn't really know who she is?

[Jake2008]

You should be able to go out with her, and reasonably expect that she isn't going to humiliate, put you down, or get other people to laugh at you. That is a sign of a very insecure person using another person to bolster their confidence and approval rating.

When this behaviour starts to happen, and you are promised that it will stop, and she says she understands why you feel the way you do, yet she continues, that is not a sign of a very sensitive or caring person. It certainly doesn't show love toward you.

She should treat you well, regardless of who is around, or what the circumstances are.

Partners have that ability to push buttons, but there is always a purpose. To make themselves look good or superior, or show off, but it is always at someone else's expense.

After what you have said here, I think that I would be concerned too. I wouldn't want that type of person as a friend, and I surely wouldn't want her as a long term partner.

[fishburn7]

You should be able to go out with her, and reasonably expect that she isn't going to humiliate, put you down, or get other people to laugh at you. That is a sign of a very insecure person using another person to bolster their confidence and approval rating.

When this behaviour starts to happen, and you are promised that it will stop, and she says she understands why you feel the way you do, yet she continues, that is not a sign of a very sensitive or caring person. It certainly doesn't show love toward you.

She should treat you well, regardless of who is around, or what the circumstances are.

Partners have that ability to push buttons, but there is always a purpose. To make themselves look good or superior, or show off, but it is always at someone else's expense.

After what you have said here, I think that I would be concerned too. I wouldn't want that type of person as a friend, and I surely wouldn't want her as a long term partner.

Exactly why I'm worried... she's not like this always... and she feels terrible when I bring it up, but I don't know what more to do... I need to sit down with her and just tell her about it because I know she was scared I was going to leave her.. and I'm not I know I'm not.

She just says things like that when we're around friends...

Could this come back to her not really knowing who she is?

[HelpinHere]

Not necessarilly. Most people act different depending on who they're around, it's natural. It sounds like she still digs you, no matter where you are.

Also, have you asked her if YOU act any different around other people? I find that I have done the same thing without realizing it plenty of times before, because it's natural to act one way around one person, but a completely different way around another person.

[88sunflower]

You will just have to talk it out. If she can't understand how it makes you feel or how it humiliates you then maybe she isn't the right one for you. You shouldn't have to feel belittled by the one you love.

[fishburn7]

OK even considering everyone acts differently depending on who you're around there has to be a reason why she completely forgets what upsets me and just goes on making me feel like again and again

[HelpinHere]

Force of habit. How old is she? 20. That is a long time to build up habits you don't like. You cannot make a 20 year habit go away in fourteen months. It takes more time, and patience.

Maybe, when she was with all of her high school friends, they encouraged each other to get better grades by jestering at the expense of the friend who got the worst grades.
Most likely, around her friends, she would talk about "good looking" guys, and she still does it now, even when you're around.
Etc. for everything else you don't like.

Bottom line, she doesn't mean to offend you, and she is sorry. However, you need to be more patient and understanding, and give her time to adjust to you more than herself, if it really bothers you that much.

[fishburn7]

I guess the only thing I can really do is tell her again and be patient

[HelpinHere]

Also, another thing you can try. When someone say something like "Have you seen the new movie with [insert actor she fancies here]?" Change the subject. Be all like "Or, how about that new comedy staring [insert actor she doesn't like here]?"
Other things just to steer the conversation away, be it about anything she talks about which you don't like. It can be an effective way to, while not pointing it out, at the same time, get your point across.

[fishburn7]

Sounds like a good idea... anything else I could probably know?

[HelpinHere]

Hmm... I can think of nothing, right now. Just be patient with her, and don't get mad if she slips up occasionally because it will happen. You need to help her, if she doesn't want to offend you, because only you can be sure what will.

Others may have other suggestions though, so you'll have to wait and see.

[fishburn7]

Anyone else with other suggestions I'd love them

[88sunflower]

Hey fish I am sorry I was hard on you earlier. At first you were just sounding nit picky about things. You didn't come right out with this part of it. Now I can see how your hurting and I understand it. I would be feeling the same way.

[fishburn7]

It's fine I probably didn't explain myself clear enough.. and the last 3 days all I've been doing was thinking about this; so over the 3 days have completely changed how I see this relationship... I don't know how that will change how I act though

[88sunflower]

Well when you think on things too much you sometimes lose the clear picture.

[fishburn7]

Yeah thet's probably what's happened.. give it a few days lol

[Jake2008]

I would talk to her too, seriously this time. If you cannot communicate something as simple as how you feel when she belittles you and puts you down, how can you communicate far more serious issues that you will face as a married couple.

Maybe it is just her nature to behave this way. Will she treat any children the same?

Because it is continuing, and you need to have her stop what she is doing, that shouldn't go without some consequence.

To avoid situations in which she behaves this way to you, would be to pretty much cut out your social life. That is not a good alternative either.

I think you are on the right path in figuring out whether she is capable, and willing, to change, or not.

[N0help4u]

to tell you the truth it's not every single good thing that i get mad at. it's the stuff i feel like i should be there for. like vacations and weddings, when the only thing she can talk about is these. yes that would be horrible if i got upset every time she was happy.

another quick question here.... i'll tell you why this came up after the answers but...
do you think people change when they get married?

Sounds like you should be getting mad at yourself but projecting your mad on to her instead. Often when people do things they feel weren't what they should have done or something they should have done instead of getting mad at their own self they take it out on the ones they love.
You need to learn to redirect your anger and be more assertive and proactive in a constructive way.


Do people change after marriage.
It depends...

1. Some people do not change and remain happily ever after married.

2. Some people do change.

3. Some people only show their good side until after they get married or think they have their partner wrapped around their finger good enough to be comfortable with letting their true colors show.