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ATG 94 · Jul 13, 2009, 10:14 AM

Yeah, I understand that. Do you think I should stay NC? Is there any upside to talking with her?

paxe · Jul 13, 2009, 10:42 AM

Nope none at all except if you like pain ( some people do ). Your situation is very rough since you are seeing your ex everyday, and you're not jumping into another relationship ( proper healing process ). One advice I can give you is to concentrate on something that you want to do really badly (hiking, visiting a new place, moving in another place, how to get a promotion... ), when you are most likely to see her. Maybe you can flirt a little ( try not to get into a relationship ).

makapuu · Jul 13, 2009, 11:29 AM

It seems like you two are better off as friends. You love each other, you miss the good times, but whenever you work on "a relationshp" one or both of you freak out and run for the hills.
You both need to understand that you both are needy of companionship, but are not ready for a serious relationship. You should just remain friends/co-workers. You are going to see her at work so you can't really avoid her, but you don't have to be her yo-yo either.

talaniman · Jul 13, 2009, 11:36 AM

Do you think I should stay NC?

Absolutely

Is there any upside to talking with her?

Not until your over any hope of anything, other than friendship. Real friendship, not the kind that HOPES for romance.

A good gage of your healing, it won't bother you to know she is with someone else.

ajGambino · Jul 13, 2009, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by ATG 94

Is there any upside to talking with her?

Maybe for her. I don't think you should have the mentality of trying to get back together. She has clearly stated that she wants her freedom, that's why she dumped you. The reason she keeps running back is because she wants to make HERSELF feel better, and could honestly care less about how you feel.

Like you said, have her cake and eat it too. That's exactly what it is, don't try to mix it up by her wanting another chance with you, as if she wanted that, there would be no hesitation from her. Right now, freedom is more important in her life right now so don't try to hold onto her or any hope. Go NC for yourself, not for her. Don't answer anything she contacts you on, not one thing. I know it's hard, but all break ups aren't a walk in the park, you have to deal with what she gave you... and now she has to deal with you not being there, because after all, it was her decision.

NC is right for you, try not to let her take advantage of your feelings.

busterite · Jul 13, 2009, 02:42 PM

Is there any upside to talking with her?

Believe nothing good will come out if you talk to her. You are still holidng on to that last bit of false hope and the only reason you want to talk to her is because you still think there is a chance of you guys getting back together. The only way to let go of that last bit is to stay NC. It might be hard in the short term but believe me it will pay off in the long term. You definitely do NOT want to talk to her and open that can of worms again. And it will definitely not give you any sort of closure. Just stay strong and focused

briancp34 · Jul 13, 2009, 05:42 PM

I agree with everyone here. NC is the best for you. It will definitely be the straw to break the camel's back. She's a fence straddler. NC for you promote will promote healing, and it will certainly make it clear to her which is really most important. Don't wait around for her. Just continue on with your emotional health and move on with your life. The straw to break the camel's back may just break her. You seem like a strong and mature individual and will mend from this in a healthy way. She may have lost her "one". And she figure that out soon or she could simply regress to a state of mind that she's just not ready to let go of yet.

ATG 94 · Jul 29, 2009, 07:24 AM

Hey guys, I've been going strong NC for a while now. I still am seeing her all the time at work. I'd like to think that it is getting easier, but whenever I see her it is really painful. She even called me a bit ago (I missed the call), but she didn't leave a message so I didn't call back. I figure that if she wanted to work things out, she would at least leave a message.

I've been trying new stuff to keep myself busy, and my good friend has been really supportive. We've gone out together a few times and chatted up some girls, but invariably I just find myself comparing them to my ex. I know this is unfair, but it's really hard for me not to do it.

Sometimes I just feel like crap, especially in the mornings. She's always the first thing I think about every morning. I know I'm not supposed to be placing her on a pedestal, but she really was everything I wanted in a significant other. Each day, the hope that she comes back dies a little bit.

Anyway, I'm just venting. NC is a struggle, but I know it's the right thing to do.

jmw0713 · Jul 29, 2009, 07:38 AM

During the healing process, we all go through times where we feel great and times where we feel like s---. This is just one of those times where you feel like s---. I'm going on month 10 and I still get those days where I feel like crap.

Keep pushing forward. These feelings you have will pass. The fact that you see her all the time would be hard for anyone. You have to suck it up and be strong.

ATG 94 · Jul 29, 2009, 08:38 AM

Thanks for the words. I'm trying to move through it and stay NC.

Sometimes I get the crazy idea that by not showing her how much this is affecting me and not contacting her, I'm somehow validating her decision. Like I don't care enough to even call after the break up, so she made the right move ending it. Like it's some kind of test.

When I get this thought, it makes me feel better to think of that line from Swingers, which basically says that the only thing that you can do by contacting them is push them further away. That movie is so perfect for break ups.

paxe · Jul 29, 2009, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by ATG 94

Thanks for the words. I'm trying to move through it and stay NC.

Sometimes I get the crazy idea that by not showing her how much this is affecting me and not contacting her, I'm somehow validating her decision. Like I don't care enough to even call after the break up, so she made the right move ending it. Like it's some kind of test.

When I get this thought, it makes me feel better to think of that line from Swingers, which basically says that the only thing that you can do by contacting them is push them further away. That movie is so perfect for break ups.

First of all, it's not a test, it's life. NC is for YOU and only for you. It's not in order to play a mind game with your ex. It is really to get her out of your life.

harriejansen · Aug 9, 2009, 04:07 PM

ATG, how are you doing now?

ATG 94 · Aug 9, 2009, 06:20 PM

Hey, thanks for asking.

I've been NC for about 3 weeks now. Our last conversation involved me asking her if she wanted to get a drink to talk about things. She refused, and then via email I asked her a few questions about why things happened the way they did. She basically said she wanted to spend time with her friends more, didn't want to be tied down, wanted to be single. She also said how I was such a great boyfriend, etc. She then went on to say how she still cares about me, and didn't want to hurt me. She then called that night, but I wasn't near my phone and I didn't call back. All of this sounds very similar to a lot of stories on here. I know she is just trying to absolve herself from feeling guilty. If she really cared about me, she wouldn't have done this to begin with.

I am doing better on the whole, I think. I've been on a few dates, thought they went pretty well and I had a good time with the girls I was with. Being single can be fun at times, and I'm slowly learning that.

I still do get depressed about her every few days. I suffer a minor setback every time I see her at work, but have managed to fight through it each time.

I think that a large part of my problem is the how I put her on such a pedestal. I was so attracted to her, and her personality matched mine so well that it makes it really hard to talk to other women because I compare them to her. I constantly worry that somehow I managed to screw up with the perfect girl. I know this isn't a healthy attitude to have, so I am trying to correct it. I keep searching for the negatives of our relationship, and try to focus on them and that seems to help.

I'm going to maintain NC. I basically ignore her at work - it seems to help me get through the days. I've booked some trips to see some old friends, and I've gotten in fantastic shape. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, which is a good feeling.

ATG 94 · Oct 2, 2009, 07:29 AM

All right guys, it's been 3.5 months now since the break up. Over the last month or so I've felt awesome. I've been working out a ton, and killing it at work. As a result had a really positive career move happen recently. These things have kept me very busy and productive.

I still see the ex at work a lot. A few times we even had a brief conversation. I didn't read into this at all, and I just went about my business afterwords, no problem. It didn't affect me.

Yesterday, however, I heard that she was seeing someone else from work. I don't know how true it is, but the person who told me was pretty convinced. This absolutely crushed me for about 3 hours. I was unable to do anything. To be honest, I was really taken aback by my reaction. I thought I was past this. Whether it's true really doesn't matter; it's clear I haven't made enough progress.

I feel pretty OK today, all things considered, but I do think about it a lot. I haven't really had the time (or desire) to explore the dating scene, but it just really bothers me to think about her out with other guys. I mean, dating another guy from work? That's pretty cold blooded if it's true.

I guess I'm more disappointed in myself than anything else. It's been 3.5 months, why can't I get this out of my mind? I've done all the right things, and a significant amount of time has passed.

Not really asking a specific question here, just would like to get my thoughts out and hear what you guys think. It has always helped me before.

amicon · Oct 2, 2009, 07:45 AM

It's a normal reaction to hearing that she s seeing someone new and the work situation s adding to this.
You have made good progress and you ll continue to make even better progress!

ATG 94 · Oct 2, 2009, 08:20 AM

Thanks for the input. My friend seems to think that if didn't see her all the time, this would be way past me. He's probably right, I suppose.

talaniman · Oct 2, 2009, 08:52 AM

Hey ATG, no matter how sunny or great the weather is, it changes and you get some rain. The point, this to shall pass in time, just stay with the positive attitude and stay focused on what made you happy before you heard the news of what she was up to. Nothing has changed, just your attitude.