Ask Me Help Desk - Trying NC, but ex keeps contacting

Trying NC, but ex keeps contacting

All,

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read. My ex-girlfriend asked for a break about 2 weeks ago. It was completely out of the blue for me. We had both been pretty busy with work and I had been out of town in the weeks prior to the break-up, but I had no idea that a break was coming.

While I did not break down and freak out, I was pretty upset and began asking her why, and attempted to talk out the situation. She still said she needed some time to figure things out, and that she was unsure if she was making the right decision (she was very upset and crying).

During our relationship, I had often felt like she was "the one", but had always brushed aside the topic of marriage every time she brought it up, as I think I'm too young to be thinking about marriage (24 years old). I never really communicated my thoughts on the topic to her, and I feel like that was a major fault in our relationship, as she had always wanted to know where I stood.

In the 2 week interim, I have attempted NC twice, only to have broken it each time after she contacted me. The first time she contacted me, she said she missed me and wanted to see me (it was Valentine's Day). I agreed to meet her, and we had dinner together, during which she cried a lot and was very unsure sounding. We actually managed to have a great time with each other that night, and went back to her place (nothing serious happened) for a bit before I went home. Before I left, I made her promise me that she would not contact me unless she wanted to get back together. I told her it wasn't fair to me, and I did not want to have a "halfway" relationship.

I didn't speak to her until she reached out to me again via email a few days after, and said that she missed me and wanted to see me the following weekend. I said fine, but only because she initiated it. Before we actually met, she texted me and said that she thought she was being selfish because she "wants me in her life but still wants her freedom". She said she understood if I didn't want to meet her - so I said that I didn't think it was a good idea and we hung up.

Now, it's a day later and she's sent me another email - this time asking me what I'm doing about my upcoming days off. I had originally requested the days off so her and I could take a vacation together, but now that's not happening. Should I continue to keep NC and ignore this message? I feel like I've been very clear with her, and I don't think it is fair to me that she can have her cake and eat it to. At the same time, it's obvious that she still is unsure of her decision and has feelings for me. I don't want to quash any chance of us getting back together, which I think is possible since she is reaching out to me (not vice versa), but at the same time if it's not going to happen I want to NC and get over this ASAP.

Thanks for any feedback you guys may have.

How long was this relationship going on?

Continue NC, she doesn't know what she wants and right now she is just keeping you flying out in the wind.

NC means you don't answer email or text messages, you need time to heal, to even make a quality decision for if this is the relationship for you. You need to get out of that box.

Good luck to you.

Relationship was a year and a few months.

Make up your mind if she is worth taking a risk with or not.

Quote:

which I think is possible since she is reaching out to me (not vice versa), but at the same time if it's not going to happen I want to NC and get over this ASAP.

Playing this game gets you no where and if you aren't willing to try it, what's the point?

A relationship is defined by how well partners can work together to solve their issues, not pouting about what ifs.

Well, I definitely think she is worth taking the risk.

So your advice is to respond to her email and ask to discuss the issues? I am worried that she is stringing me along because she is keeping contact open and is afraid she made the wrong choice.

NC -- TOTAL NC! -- is for her as well as for you. Don't respond to any of her attempts to contact you. She also needs the time away.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

NC -- TOTAL NC! -- is for her as well as for you. Don't respond to any of her attempts to contact you. She also needs the time away.

Thanks for the advice. Do you think you could elaborate a little bit on this? The way I see it, there are really four routes that stem from going NC:

1.) We both decide that we want to get back
2.) I decide to move on
3.) She decides to move on
4.) We both mutually decide to move on

So my question, I suppose, is how do I reach out if I want to get her back at the end of NC? Should I just never contact her and assume if she doesn't contact me, it's over? Or should I wait until I feel ready and reach out to her? I realize I am dealing in hypotheticals and may be asking a question that is difficult to answer.

Never contact her, if she never contacts you, than you won't even notice the relationship is over, you will be moved on.

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Originally Posted by ATG 94

Thanks for the advice. Do you think you could elaborate a little bit on this? The way I see it, there are really four routes that stem from going NC:

1.) We both decide that we want to get back
2.) I decide to move on
3.) She decides to move on
4.) We both mutually decide to move on

So my question, I suppose, is how do I reach out if I want to get her back at the end of NC? Should I just never contact her and assume if she doesn't contact me, it's over? Or should I wait until I feel ready and reach out to her? I realize I am dealing in hypotheticals and may be asking a question that is difficult to answer.

Not difficult at all! Set a time - agree to, say, three months of total NC (i.e. long enough to make it worthwhile), then figure out what you two want.

Isn't reaching out to her to set a time frame breaking NC?

But won't reaching out to her to set a time frame break NC?

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Originally Posted by ATG 94

Isn't reaching out to her to set a time frame breaking NC?

You haven't started NC yet, have you? If so, tell me how. If she contacts you again, with firmness tell her the time frame with NC and then start NC.

Sorry for the double post above, browser is being odd. So the last contact I had with her was two days ago, when I said it wasn't a good idea if we meet. Since then, the only contact we have had was when she contacted me this morning asking about my days off. Should I take this opportunity to address the NC time frame? Or should I simply continue my two day NC.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATG 94

Sorry for the double post above, browser is being odd. So the last contact I had with her was two days ago, when I said it wasn't a good idea if we meet. Since then, the only contact we have had was when she contacted me this morning asking about my days off. Should I take this opportunity to address the NC time frame? Or should I simply continue my two day NC.

If you can do it, go with NC from here on, but it sounds like she needs definite boundaries. I have no doubt she will contact you again. Then what will you do?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If you can do it, go with NC from here on, but it sounds like she needs definite boundaries. I have no doubt she will contact you again. Then what will you do?

That's the thing, I don't know. I mean, I want to get back together with her, but this whole break thing is her call. If it was up to me, we would be back together right now. I don't know how to handle the fact that she is still contacting me. I feel like I can implement NC, but I'm still in the "NC is the best way to get her back" mode.

If she wants a break, why is she still contacting me? It's just confusing me. What if we set a time frame, and then she still continues to contact me?

BTW, thank you very much for continuing to respond.

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Originally Posted by ATG 94

If she wants a break, why is she still contacting me?

Why do you think?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why do you think?

I think it's because she still has feelings for me and was unsure about the break to begin with. It's obvious she still wants me in her life (she has said that to me a few times), but it's also obvious she doubts the relationship to a degree, otherwise she wouldn't have asked for the break.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATG 94

I think it's because she still has feelings for me and was unsure about the break to begin with. It's obvious she still wants me in her life (she has said that to me a few times), but it's also obvious she doubts the relationship to a degree, otherwise she wouldn't have asked for the break.

So she needs time away from you totally to regroup and decide what she really wants. As long as you are on her radar screen, she can't separate from you enough to think clearly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So she needs time away from you totally to regroup and decide what she really wants. As long as you are in her radar, she can't separate from you enough to think clearly.

Ok, so maybe I need to convey this to her? I don't think she realizes this.