[karmafish]

This is going to be a terribly long story... sorry

I have been going out with a woman for the past 6 months now and until 1.5 months ago I was thinking that she just might be the person I was looking for in this life, a true soul mate a true love.

We met at the beginning of this year at a party and it all started there. She had been divorced for about 7 years and has a kid. At the party without me even asking she told me that she had been without a man for so long and that she was feeling ready to go into a relationship with someone since her kid was old enough now to understand her having a boyfriend etc. She told me that she had not been with a man after she was divorced and when I asked her if she hadn’t even liked anyone she told me that she may have had a crush on a few men but she was working so hard and trying to get a life and education for her kid that she just didn’t have a relationship. When I asked why it didn’t work out with the guys she had a crush on she just told me the circumstances weren’t right and that they were either married or she was just too shy to reveal her feelings. I didn’t think much about it since we had just met and it was just causal talk with me telling her about my own divorce. I separated from my wife 1 year ago and legally got divorced 7 months ago.

1 month after we met and started dating and having great sex she went on an overseas trip with her son that they had planned before we met. We were texting each other and calling each other throughout their trip and I really did miss her. After another 2 months or so she went with her son to another country to see a family they had met in their first trip. All was cool and we were falling for each other quite deeply until the end of last April.

During the whole time I was getting along with her 13 year old son pretty well so we decided to get out of town and spend some time together over an extended weekend. During our short holiday I had check us all in at the reception and got hold of her passport which she would never show me (because she thought she looked ugly in her picture) and learnt she had lied to me about her age by two years. When I asked her she told me that every girl lies about her age which can happen of course so I didn’t take it seriously. But I did get this feeling of uneasiness and while still there we had a talk about being honest and I asked her if there was anything else I needed to know about her and she said no. That uneasy feeling I had about her probably also came with me reading between the lines and unconsciously finding inconsistencies about her story. During the trip she logged into her email from my pocket phone. The next day at work while scrolling back on the pages of my phones internet I got to her email page and found an email she wrote to a friend about a past relationship she had with a guy and that she was crying while she was writing the email and that she was still coping with the loss and letting go of a relationship she had invested so much time and heart into. This of course came as a shock to me because we were 4 months into our relationship and she was crying over the loss of an ex so I immediately called her to confront and she burst out crying that she didn’t want to tell me about it because she was ashamed of the whole story of this guy and that he was older and that they used each other for matters of convenience and that being older at 62 years old he was impotent and that they would only have oral sex and they went out for 7 years!! The email however did bear a lot of feeling which didn't quite match a relationship where both were using each other. I was pissed off and extremely mad and yelled at her for being dishonest about something that I initially didn’t ask her anyway and questioned her about how I would trust her again. We saw each other and I asked for the whole story and went home in anger not believing she was telling me the whole thing. Then she calls me back to give me some more details after telling me that she told me everything. They had split up before we met and this guy had been asking for the money he had spent on her and she was too scared to tell he parents about the whole thing so she had been sending money back to this guy. After a lot of crying and shouting and sex we were back on track but I still had this strange feeling about her and would ask about details sometimes which meant we started having some uncomfortable time together. She gave me a lot of details about what had happened but every time she told me something I would notice she lied to me the last time she told me about it. I asked to see all those emails because I had only seen a few but she told me she erased them all and it proved to be true when she showed me. She even gave me her email password so I could check but there was nothing left to look at anyway.

Early this month when a friend was showing me how to use Facebook I tried using her email password and her deactivated Facebook popped up. I was extremely shocked to find out that she had gone on the first trip overseas with her ex(?) older boyfriend one month into our relationship!! She told me all crying and sobbing that nothing happened and that it was planned way before and she didn’t want him to come but he came anyway and she needed to see him to end it and that she also wanted to give him his money back. He stayed in a different room and they didn’t see each other after the first 2 days. Then I start going crazy and get to call the hotel they stayed in overseas and learn they stayed together for 2 weeks. After I tell her that they I learnt that they were together she told me something new (after swearing on her sons life that there was nothing more)... about a terrible fight where she had to kick him out of the apartment and her son saw everything happening and she is all tears crying her guts out telling me that they were scared he was going to hurt them and she just gave him the money and he stayed in a different room after the first night. She didn't want to tell me this because it was all too ugly and she thought I couldn't handle it. She swears they do not contact each other any more and instead of being 62 he really was 57… another lie “to make me feel good”.

The revelation of this whole story happened in a matter of 1.5 months and I remember begging her to tell me the truth all along and she lied about it for 2 months until now. She tells me that I know everything now and that there is nothing else and I kind of believe her. There were sooo many lies prior to the last story that I can't list here. She is telling me now that she would never do it again and that she fu**ed up and wants me to forgive her for causing all this pain to me and her family.

But now I am left with a huge trust issue and I am obsessing about the whole thing and I am on a true rollercoaster of feelings when its one day great and the next day I remember something about her lies and deception and I get all angry furious and make her sad too. I am here loving somebody who lied to me in our moments of opening up to each other until recently and now I don’t know if she’s telling me the truth about anything. I don’t know how I will get over this because normally I would have dumped her immediately but now I am too deeply in love to let her go and I am making myself believe that we might work it out. I feel after learning all this she is not the person she made me believe she was... I am very lost and confused :(

[jmooney527]

Trust isn't given, it's earned. After it's earned and broken, it's A LOT harder to rebuild.

Given how dishonest she has been with you, I think it would be best to end the relationship before you get hurt any more. She has proven time and time again that she cannot be honest with you... which drives you nuts because you start to question everything that comes out of her mouth, and whether it's true or not.

You can't change someone... she seems to be prone to a lot of lying and deception, regardless of her intentions. The sooner you end this relationship, the better... if you drag it on further it'll just cause more pain for both of you.

[liz28]

Leave! Don't let your felings for her interfere with your common sense.

She is a liar and all her lies are catching up with her. Why be a liar? You will never trust her and something else will pop up about her next year and she will try to cover it up with more lies then make it up to you with sex. Don't fall for it.

The phrase "quit while your ahead comes to mind". Follow your gut and not your heart but it is telling you to leave. We all have a past but she continue to lies about hers.

She told you she wasn't with a guy since her divorce but that turned out to be false. Not only was she messing around with someone but he went along on the trip oversea. If you think for one minute they slept in separate rooms then your only fooling yourself.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule-When caught between fact and fiction, take your sweet time deciding whats fact, and whats fiction.

Step way back, and look at the facts, and not just feelings, before you make a decision, as once you have been lied to, and trust is gone, whats the point of giving someone your heart, again?

I also think you were in to deep for 6 months, but your finding things out about this partner, you had sure better pay attention to.

[karmafish]

Thanks for the replies. I have a feeling that this past relationship may have been the only thing that she lied to me about because most of the other things she told me sort of adds up.

But it took 2 months for her to come out clean and she saw me begging and hurting and she still went with it. Does that mean she has it in her and that she will always be that way?

We were at a point where we actually started talking about getting married along the way and having a great life. The thing that is keeping me with her is the possibility that she may actually have come out clean and that we may have a great life because, its going to sound funny I know, apart from the lies everything was really great... I find myself waiting for a sign or some divine intervention that I'm never going to get...

[karmafish]

Step way back, and look at the facts, and not just feelings, before you make a decision, as once you have been lied to, and trust is gone, whats the point of giving someone your heart, again?

Good advice. But at this point I am not sure what is fact and what is fiction. The final version of her story seems to make sense and after repeatedly asking her about it there seems to be some sort of integrity with the story not changing again, hence my feeling that she has come out with the truth finally.

Her parents are here to visit her from the states right now and she is going to be away in another city for 4-5 days so I told her after another "me being mad on the phone and her crying and saying sorry" that this is a good opportunity for her to really think about what has happened to us and talk to her parents about everything and that it might give her a better perspective on things. I am going to meet her parents when they come to my town in a few days and maybe they will also reveal some more of her character and give me a chance to see where she is coming from.

Sometimes I feel like I am trying to push her away for good with the arguments we are having and she keeps on telling me that this is going to be the one thing she will fight for in her life because she thinks we were meant to be together... I'll update after I get to meet her folks...

[talaniman]

You've only known her for 6 months, there is a lot more to learn, trust me. Whether you can deal with it, or not, remains to be seen. One thing to consider, she is learning about you, and your ways also. She will have to make a decision about you as well. That's something to keep in mind, as you learn how to communicate, and interact, with each other.

It may be well for you to keep in mind, that maybe she wasn't ready to be as honest as you think she would have been with you. It's a matter of perspective. For sure what defines a relationship is how well you work together to solve your differences, TO THE BENEFIT OF YOU BOTH.

I can say from experience, things are worked out over time, and not just overnight, or a week, or even a month. Couple that are WILLING to work together usually do.

[Gemini54]

But now I am left with a huge trust issue and I am obsessing about the whole thing and I am on a true rollercoaster of feelings when its one day great and the next day I remember something about her lies and deception and I get all angry furious and make her sad too. I am here loving somebody who lied to me in our moments of opening up to each other until recently and now I don’t know if she’s telling me the truth about anything. I don’t know how I will get over this because normally I would have dumped her immediately but now I am too deeply in love to let her go and I am making myself believe that we might work it out. I feel after learning all this she is not the person she made me believe she was... I am very lost and confused

Tread very carefully. At the moment you are looking at her through the lens of "I want this to work out', but your GF sounds very disfunctional.

Why did she felt the need to continually lie to you? - a tapestry of lies about previous relationships, trips overseas and the ages of the people involved, including herself.

She says she lies because she's telling you the things that she thinks you want to hear - but how will you know in the future that's she not doing this? Will she resort to lies and deception when under stress? How will she cope when there is difficulty and conflict in your relationship? - and there always is.

A number of alarm bells are ringing for me in this situation. And, clearly there are for you too, otherwise you wouldn't be writing to this forum.

I don't think that you can trust her guarantee that she'll never do it again. I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound like marriage material to me.

[karmafish]

You've only known her for 6 months, there is a lot more to learn, trust me. Whether you can deal with it, or not, remains to be seen. One thing to consider, she is learning about you, and your ways also. She will have to make a decision about you as well. Thats something to keep in mind, as you learn how to communicate, and interact, with each other.

It may be well for you to keep in mind, that maybe she wasn't ready to be as honest as you think she would have been with you. Its a matter of perspective. For sure what defines a relationship is how well you work together to solve your differences, TO THE BENEFIT OF YOU BOTH.

I can say from experience, things are worked out over time, and not just overnight, or a week, or even a month. Couple that are WILLING to work together usually do.

Yes 6 months is not a long time and I think we were both overwhelmed by the relationship to the extent that I wanted to know about everything too soon, and that one thing I wanted to learn was something very shameful in her life and she was scared to lose me... maybe. It would have been very easy at the beginning if she had told me "well I have this trip that I had planned and have already paid for with this guy but I dont know what to do about it now" oo something like that I would have been the guy to help her out and give her some advice. But she did everything in the worng way and I have a feeling that she would have never told me about it. If I learnt all this years into our relationship or marriage which could have involved kids it would have been the end of me... And she was willing to take that risk of devastating me for the mere fact that she was "scared". I am WILLING to work together but I don't know if it is worth working on something that was a lie from the very beginning and if there is or was any foundation to work on. She told me that she thought she was not good enough for me (I don't know where this comes from) at the beginning so she gave me a rosy picture of herself but now she understands that this was all wrong and that she is a better person because of me. I HATE the fact that something that could have been soooo good so easy turned out to be so hurtfull. I feel my heart is broken deeply and can't find the strength to forgive her at the moment.

[karmafish]

She says she lies because she's telling you the things that she thinks you want to hear - but how will you know in the future that's she not doing this? Will she resort to lies and deception when under stress? How will she cope when there is difficulty and conflict in your relationship? - and there always is.

A number of alarm bells are ringing for me in this situation. And, clearly there are for you too, otherwise you wouldn't be writing to this forum.

I don't think that you can trust her guarantee that she'll never do it again. I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound like marriage material to me.

You are absolutely right. That's what I keep on telling her too: what if we have another big problem or she goes through something and then she lies about it again. She keeps on asking me if I really believe she could do this sort of thing again to me and her family and that she will be true and honest and will have my back for the rest of her life.

At some point after sh*t hit the fan and we were arguing she told me that she would not want to live anymore if we broke up. This sort of freaked me out because while she was saying this she was crying sobbing etc. so hard I thought she was going to die at that moment. She probably didn't mean she would kill herself but it still did scare me. She kept on teling me that I have my family and friends with me in my town and that she has nobody to turn to except me. Now that her parents are here I am thinking that it may be the right time to finally end this while she has some shoulders to cry on. What do you guys think?

(By the way, as a brief profile of us I am 39 and she is 41 and we are both working and making enough money to get along and lead a normal life.)

[jmooney527]

There's something wrong with her. If someone says to you "I'll die if we break up", then they have some issues. Yes breakups are devastating for some people, but not to that extent (normally)... and definitely not after 6 months of dating.

Chances are, if she starts lying to you from the beginning, she will lie again. It's hard to trust someone when they aren't straight forward with you from the beginning. You can decide to have her earn your trust back, but that will be very hard... and from the picture you painted she doesn't seem mentally stable enough to stick this one out.

Usually if someone is lying because they are scared, it's a reflection upon their own self confidence. She was probably scared that if she told you the truth that she would lose you. And this means she doesn't have the confidence to deal with the matter at hand... yea she could've lost you but she should've been confident enough to deal with the consequences... and she wasn't. What's to stop her from getting "scared" again?

You should'nt have to beg and plead to get the truth out of someone, especially your girlfriend. She has some serious issues to work through and you shouldn't stick around to deal with them.

[talaniman]

She told me that she thought she was not good enough for me (I don't know where this comes from) at the beginning so she gave me a rosy picture of herself

Fear that you would reject her if you knew the truth.

but now she understands that this was all wrong and that she is a better person because of me.

That's what she says now, until she is afraid again.

I HATE the fact that something that could have been soooo good so easy turned out to be so hurtful. I feel my heart is broken deeply and can't find the strength to forgive her at the moment.

Understandable, but the real questions is will you make an impulsive decision, or one based on facts, and not just feelings.

She probably didn't mean she would kill herself but it still did scare me.

This makes it a new ballgame, and one that does show you that she is dealing with her fear of rejection, by scaring you. That's not healthy at all. This thing is over with. Now it's a game of manipulation and control by a very needy person.

Now that her parents are here I am thinking that it may be the right time to finally end this while she has some shoulders to cry on. What do you guys think?

I think you end this ASAP!! Not tomorrow, but today.

[Gemini54]

I had to spread the rep T but you and JMooney have hit it right on the knocker!

There is a pattern here and it's not a healthy one - lies, threats, tears (crocodile tears what's more), this is a relationship that's made of quicksand and karmafish is sinking deeper and deeper.

Make the decision now you have the opportunity. No, it won't be easy - it will hurt and it will be the loss of hopes and the romantic dream that you had.

It's a big lesson. Next time, take it more slowly and ask yourself why you chose someone dishonest and needy.

[karmafish]

Usually if someone is lying because they are scared, it's a reflection upon their own self confidence. She was probably scared that if she told you the truth that she would lose you. And this means she doesn't have the confidence to deal with the matter at hand... yea she could've lost you but she should've been confident enough to deal with the consequences... and she wasn't. What's to stop her from getting "scared" again?

You should'nt have to beg and plead to get the truth out of someone, especially your girlfriend. She has some serious issues to work through and you shouldn't stick around to deal with them.

Her first marriage was one full of violence and she tried to work it out for 11 years maybe because she had a kid but it ended anyway because the husbnad had some drug problems and it all ended with her physically and emotionally battered. After that she tells me she spent years thinking that she wasn't good enough for anything better hence her going out with the old guy for 7 years where he would help her out with stuff and sometimes give her money when she was short and that she did love him. She didn't initially strike me as someone with a lot of confidence in herself but she also didn't seem like the opposite: lacking self-confidence and needy. But it turns out she didn't have it at all and she was willing to keep stuff about her past and even lie about it at the expense of myself.

[makapuu]

It seems like you enjoy this woman's company and you want to stay with her. I would say that in time, things will get better.
She probably has unresolved issues with her prior relationships that causes her to act the way she does.

I have a few female friends that are divorced single parents over the age of 40. Many of them have similar traits. They'll lie about their age, and they'll spend time with their ex husbands and ex boyfriends because it's familiar and easy.

[karmafish]

Thats what she says now, until she is afraid again.


This makes it a new ballgame, and one that does show you that she is dealing with her fear of rejection, by scaring you. Thats not healthy at all. This thing is over with. Now its a game of manipulation and control by a very needy person.

I think you end this ASAP!!!! Not tomorrow, but today.

Its so sad that things came here with this woman. She is sooo pretty and so sweet and we were phsically so compatible and she has lied to me so much... Such a waste. Funny... right at the very beginning I remmebr telling her a couple of times that this was too good to be true...

[karmafish]

Make the decision now you have the opportunity. No, it won't be easy - it will hurt and it wil be the loss of hopes and the romantic dream that you had.

It's a big lesson. Next time, take it more slowly and ask yourself why you chose someone dishonest and needy.

She is coming back next Monday and we are speaking on the phone and I am sure she senses that I am going to break it up with her. Yes I did have a romantic dream but its gone for now... If I knew she was dishonest believe me I would have stayed away because it was the last thing I needed to go through something like this months after my own separation.

[karmafish]

It seems like you enjoy this woman's company and you want to stay with her. I would say that in time, things will get better.
She probably has unresolved issues with her prior relationships that causes her to act the way she does.

I have a few female friends that are divorced single parents over the age of 40. Many of them have similar traits. They'll lie about their age, and they'll spend time with their ex husbands and ex boyfriends because it's familiar and easy.

I like her company very much. She doesn't see her ex husband at all and has a restraint order to keep him away from her boy because he cantget clean on drug tests. I am pretty sure she is not in contact with the boyfriend because they had a very ugly fight on that holiday but you never know.

If I knew that in time things would get better I would give it a try but right now I am the person who has all these doubts and fears and I am the one that's crazy and she seems to be a that state of mind where she has finally come to her senses and sorted things out and made peace with her parents and she knows what she wants and knows where she is going. What a change of tables. Now she is good (with my help maybe) but turned me into a mess.

[karmafish]

I am seeing her tonight. I briefly met her parents yesterday. Will see how things go tonight but I am sort of set on breaking up because now I need "me" to be better. The last 2 months has just been too hurtful and we have almost stopped having fun because of all the unnecessary bullcrap.

[Gemini54]

I am seeing her tonight. I briefly met her parents yesterday. Will see how things go tonight but I am sort of set on breaking up because now I need "me" to be better. The last 2 months has just been too hurtful and we have almost stopped having fun because of all the unnecessary bullcrap.

This is the core of what it is all about. Relationships should enrich and empower you, they should provide you with the opportunity for laughter, happiness, joy and growth.

When it is clear they they provide you with much less, and they begin to destroy and disempower you - then it's time to call it quits.

I sincerely hope that you are able to see this experience for the lesson that it is and find the happiness that you crave and deserve.