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makapuu · May 24, 2009, 12:01 PM

I've always had an exit plan when I've moved in with boyfriends. Unless you're married, or on a lease, you have no protection.
Basic advice is to always have 6-8 months of salary saved for emergencies. If you spend it all on your boyfriend you'll have nothing to show for it. If you only pay your share of the bills, then you can build your savings to find a new place to live.
Everything in your boyfriend's apartment (including your boyfriend) is easily replaceable. Your self-respect, integrity, life-savings, is not.

artlady · May 24, 2009, 12:18 PM

I would say a 50/50 split is the way to go and you should not pay anything on his previous debt.

If he did not have you there ,how could he possibly manage?

If he is living above his means and relying on you to pick up the slack,that is unfair.

Maybe he needs to go to work full time and go to school part time.
Many people have to make that sacrifice as adults who do not live at home.
Something has to give and it should not be from your wallet.

N0help4u · May 24, 2009, 05:51 PM

If he doesn't get a job and start paying by the time limit you have given him make sure you do move. I have had two bf's that sucked me broke and it doesn't get better.
They take you for granted and they think you are so in love with them that you won't leave.

pixiegurl · Jun 18, 2009, 03:35 AM

Threads merged

My boyfriend and I have been having some major problems lately. In the past I have had some issues with being jealous of his friendships with other girls, because I thought that he has taken it too far. He gets into the habit of becoming friends with a girl and then constantly text messaging her and talking to her on the internet, which I think is just a little excessive. He has also lied to me about this in the past and tried to hide it from me. I found out about it, and he confessed everything and although nothing was going on I felt betrayed and humiliated. It took a long time to get over it but I thought we were on the right track with getting everything sorted. Then I find out that it has been happening again with another girl. I am friends with the girl that he has been having a lot of contact with and I think she is a nice person and I don't believe that anyhing is going, but when I saw that there were text messages on his phone from her and then asked him about it he deleted them and denied everything. He then confessed a while later (in the same day) that they were text messages from the girl that I suspected and I just feel like all the trust we built up has just been shattered and he has begged for my forgiveness, but I just don't know whether to let him go or to work on this.

I wasn't snooping in his phone to find out about the text messages, he was showing me a message from a friend of his and I saw her name in the inbox and when I asked him about it he said that I was seeing things and that it never happened. After a while of arguing with him and him telling me that I was seeing things I started to believe him that maybe I was being paranoid and really seeing things. I don't even know how to start describing how I felt when I found out that I wasn't making things up and seeing things.

I just feel really lost and unsure about what to do or think. He is a good guy, and normally treats me like a princess... but he just keeps being deceitful and I just don't know what to say to him anymore. Do I stick around and try and sort this out, or move on?

Please help.. I'm so confused.

N0help4u · Jun 18, 2009, 04:12 AM

You very likely are pushing him away with your accusations. He could subconsciously be feeling this is not going to work out so he doesn't want to leave communication with other girls out. Your accusing him can and will break you up faster than anything.
I can not determine if he is the cheater type or not, but you need to make yourself more desirable by starting with yourself image. Have more confidence and quit worrying so much about what he is up to. The more you push him about things the more he is going to hide things.

pixiegurl · Jun 18, 2009, 04:36 AM

I have shown him that I can trust him and I thought he was being honest with me, and then I find out that there is more that he is keeping from me. Am I wrong in feeling upset about that?

ZoeMarie · Jun 18, 2009, 04:41 AM

I don't think you're wrong for feeling upset. If he would have just been honest up front, I don't know that you'd feel the way you feel now. I think the fact that he lied to you about it is what's bothering you. Am I right? If he isn't showing any signs of cheating I would just brush it off and explain to him that you wouldn't be worried if he wasn't lying about things because the lying is what will cause him to lose your trust faster than anything.

N0help4u · Jun 18, 2009, 04:46 AM

I think you have two choices.
Either live with the fact he talks to other girls and don't make any issue out of it until you know it is a serious problem.
Decide that you do not want to be with someone that you aren't sure you can trust because of his hiding things and tell him you want to break up because it bothers you too much

ZoeMarie · Jun 18, 2009, 04:58 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I think you have two choices.
Either live with the fact he talks to other girls and don't make any issue out of it until you know it is a serious problem.
Decide that you do not want to be with someone that you aren't sure you can trust because of his hiding things and tell him you want to break up because it bothers you too much

Dang it! I had to spread the rep. You're right though. If she choses to stay in the relationship she can't make a big deal about it.

Catsmine · Jun 18, 2009, 06:38 AM

Just exactly how tight a leash do you want him on, pixiegurl? If he's just talking to other people and you make accusations his "lies" are self-defense.

Is the texting taking time away from you? Does he neglect you in any way? Does it bother you if he looks at someone else?

These are questions we cannot answer, you have to ask them of yourself.

I had a problem being overcontrolling and jealous at one time. I am much happier since I got myself over it.

jmooney527 · Jun 18, 2009, 07:22 AM

You obviously don't trust him. My feeling is that he lies to you because you've probably driven him to that point. He doesn't tell you things because he doesn't want you to overreact, so he avoids having these fights by being "deceitful". Don't get my wrong this isn't an excuseable behavior, but when you're so intense and on top of everything he does, you drive him into a corner and you're almost grooming him to be that way.

You need to learn to trust him first. If you did, you wouldn't be bothered by these texts and you wouldn't hound him. If you have trust issues then you need to work on those, otherwise this relationship isn't going to work.

Is he friends with any guys? From the way you described things, it sounds like he enjoys being friends with a lot of girls... which I do find a little strange... perhaps you can give more information on this aspect?

talaniman · Jun 18, 2009, 12:13 PM

I merged your posts to give the complete story of this relationship and given the problems with the finances, and lack of trust, I don't see this as a healthy relationship, until you have talked, and cleared the air, and defined the bounds of good behavior, between you. From what you have written, there is very little working together, or sharing the responsibility of the relationship.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/womens...me-341824.html

You have many areas of this relationship that your questioning and they all take you talking honestly to resolve. Or else all you have are two people playing house, and that looks good on paper, but won't survive in reality.

liz28 · Jun 18, 2009, 12:44 PM

Wow, he can get on the internet and text people but can't get a job? Then again he has you paying all the bills(including his debts) so he got it made.::sign::

You stated he treats you like a princess but how and where? It seems like he is getting all the special treatments with benefits.

I guess nothing change and your contempt in this relationship.

pixiegurl · Jun 22, 2009, 01:30 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I don't think you're wrong for feeling upset. If he would have just been honest up front, I don't know that you'd feel the way you feel now. I think the fact that he lied to you about it is what's bothering you. Am I right? If he isn't showing any signs of cheating I would just brush it off and explain to him that you wouldn't be worried if he wasn't lying about things because the lying is what will cause him to lose your trust faster than anything.

I think that's pretty close to what I'm feeling at the moment. I just want us to be open with each other, and if he wants to have friendships with other girls then I am all for it... I just want him to be honest about it!

pixiegurl · Jun 22, 2009, 01:33 AM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Just exactly how tight a leash do you want him on, pixiegurl? If he's just talking to other people and you make accusations his "lies" are self-defense.

Is the texting taking time away from you? Does he neglect you in any way? Does it bother you if he looks at someone else?

These are questions we cannot answer, you have to ask them of yourself.

I had a problem being overcontrolling and jealous at one time. I am much happier since I got myself over it.

I don't think that I am overcontrolling... I have never said that he can't be friends with other people or that he can't spend time or anything with other people... if he does I just think I have the right to know (and I DESERVE) to know about it... I think that is fair... but he doesn't seem to think so and that's when he starts lying about it because he'd rather just hide it then bring it up in a conversation or anything like that.

I do admit to being jealous previously of one girl, and I thought that I had come a long way... but ever since then he just still hides things from me. I need him to be honest with me about things, not lie and keep it from me.

pixiegurl · Jun 22, 2009, 01:36 AM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

You obviously don't trust him. My feeling is that he lies to you because you've probably driven him to that point. He doesn't tell you things because he doesn't want you to overreact, so he avoids having these fights by being "deceitful". Don't get my wrong this isn't an excuseable behavior, but when you're so intense and on top of everything he does, you drive him into a corner and you're almost grooming him to be that way.

You need to learn to trust him first. If you did, you wouldn't be bothered by these texts and you wouldn't hound him. If you have trust issues then you need to work on those, otherwise this relationship isn't going to work.

Is he friends with any guys? From the way you described things, it sounds like he enjoys being friends with a lot of girls... which I do find a little strange... perhaps you can give more information on this aspect?

He is friends with other guys, but he isn't as obsessed about hanging out with them and spending time with them as he is with girls... and he doesn't see a need to lie to me about spending time with his guy friends as he does with girls... which is pretty obvious that he doesn't want to make me jealous about his relations with girls, but I just wish that he would be honest with me about what he is doing... so then I wouldn't be sitting at home wondering what the hell is going on!!

pixiegurl · Jun 22, 2009, 01:41 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I merged your posts to give the complete story of this relationship and given the problems with the finances, and lack of trust, I don't see this as a healthy relationship, until you have talked, and cleared the air, and defined the bounds of good behavior, between you. From what you have written, there is very little working together, or sharing the responsibility of the relationship.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/womens...me-341824.html

You have many areas of this relationship that your questioning and they all take you talking honestly to resolve. Or else all you have are two people playing house, and that looks good on paper, but wont survive in reality.

Since my last post about him not having a job, he has since gotten one and has started to pull his weight with paying for things. It was a hard issue, but we got through it with a lot of talking and problem solving... but I just feel that this is a whole separate issue and I don't know what approach to take with it.

I know that we can get through our problems, and we're definitely not 'playing house'... there is a huge problem with communication... and both of us know it, but we don't know how to fix it. Neither of us want to give up on this relationship, we are both putting in 110%... but when it comes to saying what we want and expect from each other, we find that we can't do it and then our problems get bigger and bigger until we are left screaming at each other. Don't get me wrong when I talk about my problems I am having, I KNOW that things are bad and that we need to fix things... thats why I need some good old fashion advice and help!

pixiegurl · Jun 22, 2009, 01:43 AM

Thanks to everyone that replied... I appreciate all your thoughts and concerns.

I love my partner very much, and I believe that our biggest problem is communication with each other... but neither of us have ever been in a relationship this serious and so I guess there is a lot of pushing and pulling with each other in testing the boundaries. We don't know how to work through our problems effectively.

Elousia · Jun 22, 2009, 03:20 AM

In canada your common-law after six months of living together, lease or no lease.

liz28 · Jun 22, 2009, 04:39 AM

Pixiegurl,
I love my partner very much, and I believe that our biggest problem is communication with each other... but neither of us have ever been in a relationship this serious and so I guess there is a lot of pushing and pulling with each other in testing the boundaries. We don't know how to work through our problems effectively.

The two of you better find a way to talk because it isn't hard. Sit down and just talk to each other in a mature, civil, open way so the two of you won't have to hold it in. Once you start holding things in it is only going make you blow up.

If you can't sit down to talk then write what you need to say to him on paper then hand it to him. However, after he reads it the two of you still are going have to talk because you can't communicate through paper for ever.

I assume you know communication is very important and once this lacking the relationship will be doomed. Open your month and talk, talk, and talk some more. Never go to bed anger at each other.