[h_leann_b]

Well first of all, it sounds like you are a really good guy. In my opinion, I think she needs to get herself sorted out before she can have a true loving relationship. It sounds like she has been through A LOT since you have been with her. She needs to talk to a counselor to get her feelings out there. I don't think it is the best idea for you to talk to her about her past relationship if you still want to be romantically involved with her. She needs to talk to a 3rd party who is not in the situation.

I don't think that complete NC is the way to go however. But you don't want to bombard her. So cut back dramatically on the contact you have with her, but make sure she knows you are still there for her.

[donttouchthat]

Thanks for the advice. She has been seeing a therapist, and she says it helps a little. But it's times like these that just break my heart. I can only tell her, I'll be there for you and it will get better so many times before I feel useless.. :(

[liz28]

Is she still seeing a therapist?

She have a lot to deal with. Her ex passing, giving a child away, school loans, etc.

She needs closure from her ex and a griefing counseling would help. Then the adoption. The only I can say is wow!

You're a good person for trying to be there but the load she's carrying is heavy and too heavy for her. I hope she is seeing a professional.

Btw, if she isn't pregnant her period could be late due to stress because she is stressed.

[donttouchthat]

Yes, she's still seeing a therapist, and I hope it helps her.

If I do cut back on the contact, how do I go about telling her this? I don't want her to think I'm abandoning her in her time of need, but I also want this to work.

[talaniman]

I think your to emotionally involved to help her, since you can't just be a friend, and put your feelings aside.

Being a friend is about giving with the possibility of nothing in return, and if you can't do that, then better to leave her alone, and get some real help for her issues.

That's why I think your better off leaving her alone, as generally, when the patient is cured, the doctor is no longer needed, and thats what may happen here to you.

I will tell you this though, when the going gets tough, healthy couples deal with it together, and not look for breaks, but support each other through the tough times. That's not what she is doing, or you for that matter.

At this time the goal is for you both to be healthy, and really pushing her is not good as far as the relationship goes.

It's a tough decision that has to have a lot of thought behind it. Now you know why I tell people to disappear when there is a break up, and avoid the extra drama by making the break clean with No Contact, because truth be told, she will get through this without you.

[liz28]

Does she have any family members to help her through this?

With all the battles she is having her recovery might take months if not years.

I agree with Tal and think you need to detach yourself from this situation.

[donttouchthat]

Her family isn't much of a help in this situation. Her mom just tells her to get over her ex, because, quite frankly, he was not a very good guy (abusive, liar, cheater, etc). Which is why she turns to me, because I never tell her to just get over him. I understand that she was deeply in love with him, and had his child. Her father is a whole situation in it's own. Right when she left for college, her mom revealed to her that her father had been scamming the government, and had essentially ruined her credit by opening credit cards under her name with forged signatures. Her dad and mom have been in court for over a year because her ahole father keeps appealing and refuses to pay a cent to help any of his children. He didn't even call her or bother trying to see her when she was pregnant, he actually told her that she should try getting money out of the adoptive parents. He's essentially the worst father I've ever heard of.

There are so many underlying problems with my girlfriend. Her therapist actually recommended that she be single to work this all out, until she told her that I represent happiness and hope in her life.

I am willing to lose her if I ultimately help her through this. But she doesn't want to talk about it with me, which is a good sign I guess because it means she doesn't want to view me as a friend right?

What I wonder is, could all of this in her life be what's causing her confusion and loss of feelings for me? Because if that's it, I will definitely stick it out with her until she's ready.

But, if her loss of feelings are completely unrelated and are just her feelings for me, then I'll just be her friend and let her go.

I asked her, but she has no idea, I mean, how could she have any idea right now?

I wish she would work this out with me, but some things need to be worked out alone right?

I'm so torn between just telling her let's just be friends so I can be there for her, and actually giving her space, NC, and getting back together with her...

[donttouchthat]

I will tell you this though, when the going gets tough, healthy couples deal with it together, and not look for breaks, but support each other thru the tough times. Thats not what she is doing, or you for that matter.

At this time the goal is for you both to be healthy, and really pushing her is not good as far as the relationship goes.

She comes to me for every other issue but this one. Including her father. I mean, I was the only one she allowed to be with her in the hospital. I stayed with her and her daughter for three nights in the hospital, and when we left she only wanted to be with me (I quit my job because they wouldn't give me time off to be with her, and she said she needed me).

I'm not saying that to try and say I'm such a good person or anything, I'm just trying to say that we do work things out together, but this just might be different. Like I was saying, she feels like talking to me about her dead ex boyfriend might make her view me as a friend, and why wouldn't it?

How do you mean pushing her? Thanks for your responses, I really really appreciate it. This forum is like my own personal therapy...

[donttouchthat]

With all the battles she is having her recovery might take months if not years.

Yeah, I knew this when I first got into it. And at this point, I'm willing to wait years if that's how long it takes.

[talaniman]

donttouchthat;1793448, She comes to me for every other issue but this one. Including her father. I mean, I was the only one she allowed to be with her in the hospital. I stayed with her and her daughter for three nights in the hospital,

I may be harsh, but I will be honest. You have become a crutch, and that in the long run helps no one, only delays the inevitable. You want to be supportive, but she isn't dealing with her issues in an honest way. Matter of fact she is isolating herself, and making you the focus she depends on, and that is dependency, not friendship or caring, given she has a therapist, and family.

and when we left she only wanted to be with me (I quit my job because they wouldn't give me time off to be with her, and she said she needed me).

That's a red flag my friend, and way too much for her, and not enough of you handling your own business. In the long run, that will be most difficult for you as well as her.

I'm not saying that to try and say I'm such a good person or anything,

Your following your heart, I understand that, but with out the brain to temper your responses, you will become impulsive and driven by feelings and not just facts.

I'm just trying to say that we do work things out together, but this just might be different

That won't happen, not with two people who are motivated by feelings and circumstances, and not FACTS.

Like I was saying, she feels like talking to me about her dead ex boyfriend might make her view me as a friend, and why wouldn't it?

Ever ask yourself why she doesn't have a girlfriend for those vents? Normal females do!

How do you mean pushing her?

As in you want her back in a relationship, even though the facts say she isn't ready for that, and may never be, and chances are when she is, it won't be with you.

Her therapist actually recommended that she be single to work this all out,

So do I as she needs to deal with her own issues in a positive way to grow and learn for herself, by herself, without emotional dist actions, or a crutch that is well intentioned but can't help solve her issues for her.

until she told her that I represent happiness and hope in her life.

Red flag when you don't even consider the advice of those you ask for help, and understanding, and that goes for you both.

[wendystoney]

Yeah, I knew this when I first got into it. And at this point, I'm willing to wait years if that's how long it takes.

How come she is the one who gets to decide? You have done so much for this girl and she don't know how she feels. I'm a women and haven't seen to many men put up with issues like this one. You must really care about her! You one of the few good guy's.

From an experience my daughter just went through the last 12 months, I will tell you one thing, she will keep up with this I'm not sure how I feel for ever or until she finds someone else, then it will be you are more like a brother to me than a boy friend.

You need to know there are many women who would treat you like you are treating her, if they could find a guy like you.

Please tell her not to call or text you until she is sure how she feels, and maybe by that time you might feel different about her.

She is keeping you feeling bad for her, so you will be there when she wants you. She might be going through a hard time, there are a lot of girls who go through worse things than she is going through, and know if they love someone or not. Don't keep being the big brother, you are the one who is going to be hurting next.

You need to think of a few things, is this going to be the life you have forever if you two stay together? (drama)
Can you just be a friend and not care if she finds a new guy and will introduce you as her (friend).
She will OK, there are medications for stress, anxity, break downs etc. there are a lot of girls who keep guys hanging for years.

And are you sure she's not telling someone else the same story?

[wendystoney]

You must really love her, she is a lucky girl! I hope for your sake she feels the same way, good luck, hope it works out for you.

[donttouchthat]

Yeah, I definitely love her. I'm sure there's nobody else (that she's telling the same thing to).

Thanks for all the advice. I really hope she doesn't just view me as a crutch. I hate to make it seem like I'm the one doing all the giving, because she's really done a lot for me too.

[donttouchthat]

You know what, you all are right.

I've realized something. The whole time I've been dating her, I haven't really been thinking about myself and my well being. I've just done anything I could to help her because she was in pain. Not that I was the only one doing the giving, because that is far from the truth. But at this point in time, I'm just being there for her while she figures out what she wants to do, and it's killing me.

I'm going to tell her that I need NC. It's not fair that she gets to figure out her feelings, knowing that I'm just always going to be there no matter what. It hurts me too much. I haven't gotten a decent sleep this whole week, I've lost 10lbs because I can't eat. This is really affecting me, and it's not fair to me.

The fact that she wrote me a 6 page letter to break up with me (decided not to give it to me after seeing me in person) shows that she was sure she wanted us to end at some point. Then she flip flopped when she saw me. Who's to say that she won't just flip flop again?

I think I've been kidding myself thinking that this is all related to her issues, and her judgment is clouded by stress etc. But really, as people have said here, people are under a lot of stress and still know if they want to be with someone. Am I right?

Now, maybe she will want to be with me someday, maybe this NC will make her realize how important I am to her, maybe it will make her appreciate me more. But maybe not. And should she tell me that she doesn't want anything months down the road, I will be back to square one with a broken heart.

I'm going to tell her all of this, because she has been open and honest with me. She told me straight up, she doesn't feel the same, and needs to tell me that because she doesn't want to string me along. Yes, she also said she wants to try and work it out, but facts are facts, she does not feel the same.

If we are ever to be friends, true friends, later down the line, I need to be over her romantically. And I'm not. Should she decide after NC that she wants to be with me, then fine. But if I've lost interest in the process, then it's her fault for putting me on a break, not mine. I need this time to heal.

Should I tell her before I start the NC, or should I just go NC and tell her later? Should I e-mail? Text? Call her? (to tell her that is)

Thanks everyone, it's nice to have somewhere to express my feelings, because I myself don't have anyone I can talk to about my issues.

[none12345]

You're thinking is still influenced by emotions that blinded your judgement. You need to do what is best for you, not her. Simply disappear from her life without a trace and get yours back on track. She wants what is best for her and if you want what is best for her too, than where does that leave you? Simply, NC is not used to get her back and you do not owe her anything. So no text, call, I'm, letter or anything, just disappear.

[talaniman]

You seem to be coming to the realization of looking out for yourself, and seeing her in a more realistic light. I applaud that in you.

Should I tell her before I start the NC, or should I just go NC and tell her later? Should I e-mail? Text? Call her? (to tell her that is)

You don't have to do anything, but if SHE initiates contact by whatever means you tell her what you told us, and then go back to NC, and disappear from her life, until you have healed and gotten over any romantic notions with her.

[makapuu]

If a 1.5 hour drive is enough to break you two up, then I'd say your relationship was more out of convenience than true love. Of course I might be missing something somewhere. It doesn't sound like you two are on a break, so I would think you should continue with normal communications, whatever that was.

There were times when I had questioned my relationship and needed a break from my boyfriend. He always gave me all the time I needed. I asked him once, why does he always just let me walk out the door with no questions asked. He said it's because he knows I'll be back. And he's right. I realized that even when I'm frustrated, stressed, confused and going crazy, I'd rather be with him than away from him.

[donttouchthat]

She just texted me, and I responded back that I don't think we should talk anymore.

She is shocked, and wants to call me to ask why. Hope I can say everything correctly, it's a lot harder to do over the phone then writing it out on here...

[none12345]

How about don't do it at all and just disappear?

[donttouchthat]

I feel like I just want to give her an explanation and be done with it. Then I won't feel bad about it later.