[confuzed]

:confused: So, I posted a couple weeks ago, if that, about a relationship I was just getting out of. I was having a really hard time with deciding whether to give him another chance and decided that it would be a good idea to stay moved out and go from there. He has still been pursuing me (ie wants to go on dates and work on things) and I have been keeping my distance especially the last week. It has been really hard for me to deal with as we were together a long time and were engaged. A lot of plans for the future. But things were pretty bad at home and I felt I needed time away and still do. He has been all about saying how things would change and how sorry he is about things but I just can't believe that if I ran home that things wouldn't go back to the way they were. Today I get a dozen roses from him and a call this morning asking me to give things a chance and to call , etc. I have been trying so hard to deal with things the best way possible and I just don't know how to respond to this. I feel I should thank him but I want to do so without giving him the wrong impression. I don't want him to think I am coming running home. I have a really hard time conveying things to him and always seem to give him the wrong idea about things without meaning to. Any advice?

[Wildcat21]

I'd wait a long time. He screwed up too much. Remember the hurt.

Once he gets comfortable... it will start again UNLESS he received help.

[Fr_Chuck]

I'd wait a long time. He screwed up too much. Remember the hurt.

Once he gets comfortable....it will start again UNLESS he received help.

Better words can not be said, stop taking his calls, get on with a better life

[confuzed]

Yes, sometimes it is hard to keep things in perspective, just from day to day, but it is harder when he calls and says how different things will be etc.. Thanks for the input!

[fredg]

Hi,
Thank you for the feedback.
Normally, someone doesn't change overnight. It does take some time; maybe months. If you move on, try to have some fun with others, things will eventually work out... but might not with him.

[Mooshie]

Unfortunately, some people NEVER change. No matter what they promise. They may even believe themselves that things will "be different," but they may just be kidding themselves. I'd say, until things ARE different -- really demonstrably, encouragingly different -- stay away. Example: Me ex kept telling me how he'd changed, how things would be different. But every time I got specific, he'd backpedal. (Me: "So, you'll pay me back the $2 grand you conned from me?" Him: "Uhhh....I remember things differently," or "If I had the money to give to you (note: not to pay you back, but just to give to you, because you're having financial difficulties and I'm such a great guy), I would, but I don't, so this isn't an issue.") Unless he shows actual, real change that costs him something, I'd stay away. Even if he does show such change, I'd approach very cautiously. And if he has a problem with that--well, there's another clue.

[Wildcat21]

Change is hard for most people. He needs MONTHS and MONTHS of proof - here - you DO NOT want to go back to place you were.

[blueiman]

We all know what you're going through. We have all been there before. Its time to move on. You're a good person. Keep saying that to yourself. You have a lot to offer someone who will appreciate who you are. Get control of yourself. Build the self confidence. Be happy. A relationship is a bonus. You have to be happy by yourself. Someone will come along and notice how special you are just give yourself a chance.

You will never become a doctor, if you don't have patience...

[lilfyre]

Question to your question


He was drinking, yes,
Did he really stop?
Is he attending AA meetings?


This is called the honey moon syndrome, starting with things will be different, I waana work thing out, as he works his way back into your life think long and hard on what you said was a rocky past, do you want to do this all over again, and what guarantee does he really have that he will not repeat the same behavior as before.

[confuzed]

Yes, he stopped drinking but it has only been a month, and no he is not attending AA. And really, his behavior to me is still pretty controlling and demanding when he does talk to me. He acts very pushy. And one minute he will say that there is no one else for him and he will always be there for me and hopes he can show me that he has changed and the next he will say that if I don't come back and work on things there will never be any time to work on things. Which is stupid, because if it is meant to be then after some time we could. So, I am definitely not confident in these "changes". Also, he has quit drinking before and started again and what is different about this time.

[nwsflash]

Confuzed you need to get him booked into a local A.A group as he still has a lot of needs, problems that need to be addressed, you also need to confront him about the way that your feeling regards him treating you !!
He sounds like he has anger and issue's inside him, get him to A.A and also booked into the doctors where they can put both of you forwards for counseling...

[Wildcat21]

Unless he gets professional help, he will, as you've seen, start drinking again. Urge him to seek professiojnal help for his own good. Tell him you won't see him until he does. You really have to draw the line

That's pretty much verbal/mental abuse - he is playing you. He will be there - not be there. This is pretty normal for alcoholics... once he is through many months of non-drinking then this would stop.

The scarry thing is he will tell you he has stopped, but really hasn't. Talks is CHEAP.

[nwsflash]

Unless he gets professional help, he will, as you've seen, start drinking again. Urge him to seek professiojnal help for his own good. Tell him you wont see him until he does. You really have to draw the line

That's pretty much verbal/mental abuse - he is playing you. He will be there - not be there. This is pretty normal for alcoholics....once he is through many months of non-drinking then this would stop.

The scarry thing is he will tell you he has stopped, but really hasn't. Talks is CHEAP.

Agree action speaks much more than words ever can

[confuzed]

Actions definitely speak louder than words. Thanks for all the input!