[none12345]

Valid point. The facts became distorted with time. Emotions have a way of changing the facts. Time will heal. I know that she was not for me. My biggest mistake was in looking back. I know my life is in the present and future. The consolation here is if we did marry, it would have been so much worse for both of us. Letting go takes time, but I am trying.

Yup, its good you decided to move on.

Don't live life in regrets man, its so unhealthy. You fell for the person you thought she was but you've found out she was not that person.

In all honesty, it was not a bad thing. You've loved her and love is a great feeling and now you're more experienced in being in a relationship. So you ll be able to make the next one so much better.

Just focus on your personal goals and doing things that make you happy. There are no more "ifs". That's out of the question now because its not going to happen so don't dwell on it anymore.

You ll feel better when you meet someone better and you will! But at the same time don't settle for anything less than you expected.

[LoveStoned]

I dealt with the same situation. I left my ex after 8 years... two, three weeks later I felt that maybe we could sit and talk about things. However, it was too late within those few weeks I was not talking to him, he found another girl and refused to reconcile with me. Just move on... I wasted 7 months after the fact trying my best to talk some sense into him. It didn't get me anywhere.

I think if they did love us they would have wanted to try again. They're trying to see if there is truly anything better than us.

AND MY ONLY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS NO CONTACT!!

It's the ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!

[help4me2200]

Yup, its good you decided to move on.

Dont live life in regrets man, its so unhealthy. You fell for the person you thought she was but you've found out she was not that person.

In all honesty, it was not a bad thing. You've loved her and love is a great feeling and now you're more experienced in being in a relationship. So you ll be able to make the next one so much better.

Just focus on your personal goals and doing things that make you happy. There are no more "ifs". Thats out of the question now because its not going to happen so dont dwell on it anymore.

You ll feel better when you meet someone better and you will! But at the same time dont settle for anything less than you expected.

I am realizing not to live life with regrets. It was so CLEAR when I asked her to leave, that it was finally over. At that time, I felt a great relief. I only went back to her out of fear, I don't think it was love. If I really loved her, I would never have let her go so long. We had so many break ups towards the end, I just wanted the last one to be final. She was GOOD and BAD, so it is not clear to me as I only remember the good side for some reason. It is easy to idealize my ex at a distance, I do not have to deal with her on a daily basis. You are right there are no more "if's", it's over. I have to learn to manage my feelings of hate, anger, and jealousy toward her. I hope she learns her own lesson from this. I am starting to date again, and it's tough. I'm not 100%, but I think I should get out there little by little, and maybe God will send a wonderful woman my way! This is a BIG lesson for next time.

[help4me2200]

I dealt with the same exact situation. I left my ex after 8 years...two, three weeks later I felt that maybe we could sit and talk about things. However, it was too late within those few weeks I was not talking to him, he found another girl and refused to reconcile with me. Just move on...I wasted 7 months after the fact trying my best to talk some sense into him. It didn't get me anywhere.

I think if they did love us they would have wanted to try again. They're trying to see if their is truely anything better than us.

AND MY ONLY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!!!

Thank you for your input. You are right. I know that the moment she decided it was over, it was over forever! She met somebody new, and could care less. It sounds bad, but wait until the new guy figures out what he's gotten himself into. Her history of failed relationships, has one common thread... HER. I would not be surprised to see this one fail too.

I have gone NO CONTACT. I do know it's over, I just wish she would leave my thoughts forever.

Amazingly, I thought that I would be fine about this, and I was for 6 months. Once she met somebody else, I went down this dark path.

[help4me2200]

I dealt with the same exact situation. I left my ex after 8 years...two, three weeks later I felt that maybe we could sit and talk about things. However, it was too late within those few weeks I was not talking to him, he found another girl and refused to reconcile with me. Just move on...I wasted 7 months after the fact trying my best to talk some sense into him. It didn't get me anywhere.

I think if they did love us they would have wanted to try again. They're trying to see if their is truely anything better than us.

AND MY ONLY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!!!

Does anyone have any advice to help me sleep? My ex seems to come to mind at night, and it can make for a poor sleep. I either wake up too early, or have a hard time falling asleep or both! This has affected my life most!

[winding200]

If you have still sleep problem after 17 month, it can be a chronical.

Also make yourself tired by working out every evening.
If you still have the issue, then you need to see a doctor to get anti anxiety pills, not sleeping pills. It releases anxiety from your brain, and you can have a good sleep.
It makes much easier to overcome the sleep problem.
Good Luck!

[Nestorian]

OK. The truth is that I connected to my ex in some deeper way, deeper than I have ever had before. I knew that she was there for me, and understood me at the deepest level. We were able to connect imtimately, and I would always go about knowing that I had her, and everything was alright. Even when she was at a distance, I felt ok, because I knew she was there as my girlfriend. I never replaced that. I went on a date tonight, and the girl was cute, but not a connection on the level that I had. I am afraid. I want to deperately believe that I will find it again, and that this time it will be more right than the last. I know that I need to let go for my own good. I hold onto the past, because I am afraid of the future. I was wrong to hold my ex for so long, when I did not feel that I would marry her. Every time that I pulled away, she would come back to me. In the end, I forced her away. Maybe it was the best thing to do (break up), but I feel incomplete. I lost my self confidence, and self esteem. They are gradually coming back. I want to find a great girl that I can be right for. I'm better, but still hurting. I need to find myself in all of this.

Makes sense. Take your time in dating, don't go out to find anything, but rather just to have fun, as you can not find some one with that deep intimate connection until you know yourself. As I say, "How can you know your soul mate if you don't know yourself?" (Not that the next person you meet will be a soul mate, but you never know.)

Yes, it may never stop hurting, it hasn't for me, and I'm 3 years past the break up. I reckon, haha, I can't believe I just used that cow poke term, "Reckon" haha. Sorry, but I reckon that we just find other things to focus our mind on, as the pain is in the past, and tied to our memories.
Which reminds me that I read in a book if you bring up each memory of they relationship and then focus on it bringing all your attention to it, then picture it leaving, dissipating, or fading. This is supposed to train our minds to let go of tha past, so we can make room for the future, or present to be more accurate. It was said that our minds can only take in so much info before our minds become "satruated" with information, making it hard to keep everything in the for front of our minds, or in the councious/awareness/mindfulness of our beings.

Ok, I'm done.

Peace and kindness

[help4me2200]

Makes sense. Take your time in dating, don't go out to find anything, but rather just to have fun, as you can not find some one with that deep intimate connection untill you know yourself. As I say, "How can you know your soul mate if you don't know yourself?" (Not that the next person you meet will be a soul mate, but you never know.)

Yes, it may never stop hurting, it hasn't for me, and i'm 3 years past the break up. I reckon, haha, I can't believe I just used that cow poke term, "Reckon" haha. Sorry, but I reckon that we just find other things to focus our mind on, as the pain is in the past, and tied to our memories.
Which reminds me that I read in a book if you bring up each memory of they relationship and then focus on it bringing all your attention to it, then picture it leaving, dissipating, or fading. This is supposed to train our minds to let go of tha past, so we can make room for the future, or present to be more accurate. It was said that our minds can only take in so much info before our minds become "satruated" with information, making it hard to keep everything in the for front of our minds, or in the councious/awareness/mindfulness of our beings.

Ok, I'm done.

Peace and kindness

Good advice. I will try to train my mind to let go of the memories. I know that when I do find someone new, this will all disappear from my memory.

[LoveStoned]

Wear yourself out!! Play a sport. Make plans for a big trip. The excitement will keep your mind focused. Talk about how you feel until you can't possibly hear yourself talk anymore.

I had the same problem too... Damn it:plol! I would wake up thinking about him and couldn't sleep cause all I pictured was him being with another girl. But it will pass.

You are probably over-romanticizing just like I did. After all, there were things that lead you to break up with her. And now that you see she's with someone else, you think it wasn't that bad... but the truth is.. it was. Take time to reflect on things. Why were some of the reasons you didn't want to marry her. Keep reminding yourseld of this.

[help4me2200]

Wear yourself out!!! Play a sport. Make plans for a big trip. The excitement will keep your mind focused. Talk about how you feel until you can't possibly hear yourself talk anymore.

I had the same problem too.....Damn it:plol! i would wake up thinking about him and couldn't sleep cause all i pictured was him being with another girl. But it will pass.

You are probably over-romanticizing just like I did. Afterall, there were things that lead you to break up with her. And now that you see she's with someone else, you think it wasn't that bad....but the truth is.. it was. Take time to reflect on things. Why were some of the reasons you didn't want to marry her. Keep reminding yourseld of this.

You are correct about over romantizing. However, she was my best girlfriend so far. I do know that we would likely not have made it in a marriage. I hate to picture her with another guy. I'll eventually meet somebody nice, and this will just be a memory. I'm dating again, so there is hope. I just want to meet a nice girl that I can connect with on a deep level. I'm ready to get married, I just need God to help me make the right selection:p

[Nestorian]

"Life is ours we live it our way."- Metallica

"By my self but not alone..."- Metallica.

Remember, seeking is not always the way to find, but being present in the moment may be...

If you should wish to be other than you are, then why follow the ideals and values that have made you thus?

Look up the Sunscreen song on YouTube, I think its like 7 minutes, but Bas, or Baz L... something. It's something that helped me get past some difficult times.

Peace and kindness be with you brother.

[help4me2200]

"Life is ours we live it our way."- Metallica

"By my self but not alone..."- Metallica.

Remember, seeking is not always the way to find, but being present in the moment may be...

If you should wish to be other than you are, then why follow the ideals and values that have made you thus?

Look up the Sunscreen song on youtube, I think its like 7 minutes, but Bas, or Baz L.... something. It's something that helped me get past some difficult times.

Peace and kindness be with you brother.

Thanks to everybody for all of your advice and support. It has really helped me to get better. This was the most painful experience of my life. However, it was necessary to break up with her, to stop an even worse situation from occurring later. I have learned so much about love and relationships, and I vow to get it right next time. I am going forward as a better person, and one who has healed some very old and very deep wounds as a result of this pain. I am actually thankful for this pain, as it has showed me the correct path. God bless everybody, and may you all find true love. 06-12-09

[PirandelloLuigi]

All I can say to you my friend... NO CONTACT.

I haven't spoken to my ex since April 3rd and I do not know if she is with someone else and thanks to no contact I will never know, so I won't suffer if she is.

Train yourself to forget the past. Think of now and tomorrow, be optimist, throw away all negative thoughts, see the glass half full not half empty.

Remember that the ones who dump others are the ones who will regret later and live with that remorse, the rest of their life.

The grass wasn't greener after all...

Never throw away what you got thinking you found something better, there is no garantee's in life. The only sure thing in life is death and taxes...

Time to move on and start a new chapter of your life story, don't dwell on the past, set her free and if she still loves you one day she will come back and she will be yours for good, until then keep focusing on yourself and enjoy life again.

From all the brothers who know what you are going through...

[help4me2200]

All i can say to you my friend... NO CONTACT.

i haven't spoken to my ex since april 3rd and i do not know if she is with someone else and thanks to no contact i will never know, so i won't suffer if she is.

train yourself to forget the past. Think of now and tomorrow, be optimist, throw away all negative thoughts, see the glass half full not half empty.

Remember that the ones who dump others are the ones who will regret later and live with that remorse, the rest of their life.

The grass wasn't greener after all...

never throw away what you got thinking you found something better, there is no garantee's in life. The only sure thing in life is death and taxes...

Time to move on and start a new chapter of your life story, don't dwell on the past, set her free and if she still loves you one day she will come back and she will be yours for good, untill then keep focusing on yourself and enjoy life again.

from all the brothers who know what you are going through...

I agree with everything you say, except about remorse. I left her because it was the best option long term. I did not love her enough, and I would have never been able to live with her long term.

[PirandelloLuigi]

Oh I thought she the one who left...

OK the remorse only if they had love... if they did not love then there is no remorse...

[baxcarias]

I am realizing not to live life with regrets. It was so CLEAR when I asked her to leave, that it was finally over. At that time, I felt a great relief. I only went back to her out of fear, I don't think it was love. If I really loved her, I would never have let her go so long. We had so many break ups towards the end, I just wanted the last one to be final. She was GOOD and BAD, so it is not clear to me as I only remember the good side for some reason. It is easy to idealize my ex at a distance, I do not have to deal with her on a daily basis. You are right there are no more "if's", it's over. I have to learn to manage my feelings of hate, anger, and jealousy toward her. I hope she learns her own lesson from this. I am starting to date again, and it's tough. I'm not 100%, but I think I should get out there little by little, and maybe God will send a wonderful woman my way! This is a BIG lesson for next time.

Hi there, hope you're still around. I relate very much to what you are saying here. I just split with my girlfriend after a long period of offs and ons. I kept having anxiety in the relationship, unsure if she was right for me (even though she remains the most important woman that's ever entered my life). These would end up in really bad anxiety and a general feeling of discomfort that I just couldn't really put my finger on at first. She had her little annoyances of course, but gradually these little things came to completely completely outweigh all of the wonderful qualities she had. I had thoughts of escape, thoughts of meeting someone better. But every time we broke up because of the way I was behaving, I would be utterly devastated and fall into depression. The longest of these was when we really broke up after christmas.

That time she initiated the split - not because of any love loss, but merely out of self preservation - she could not stand to be hurt be me like that again. I went into the worst depression of my life and literally did nothing for 3 months (id also lost my job before christmas). Believe it or not I actually met someone else during this time whom I was seeing for almost two of those months, but she was merely a distraction - I liked her, but it was nothing compared to my ex. I really thought I'd never see her again for a long time. But she got back into contact, we got back together and I began having the same thought of is this right etc etc, I picked holes in her. I was thinking I had to end it but couldn't do it. Then one day I was feelign uncomfortable with her and told her to go out with her friend who'd called - it was a weekend that my ex had so wanted to just spend with me. And that instigated this, last break up. And this time for her, enough is enough. She will really I think, never get back with me now, even though I know I am the love of her life.

And now I feel lost, devastated, thinking only of everything good that we had and none of the bad, even the bad now seems good, just part of her. Thinking I want to make her happy, see her, but she will not see me, its too painful for her. And I know I am only hurting her more in trying to contact her as I was at first. I've stopped now because I don't want to upset her anymore. But I am afraid to lose her, to forever wonder what I threw away.

As for sleep, during my darkest days I always found drink and spliffs did the trick. You only feel worse the next day though ;)

Writing this has made me feel better even if no one reads it :)

[susangpyp]

I'd really suggest therapy. It sounds like you could benefit from therapy and maybe even medication. Hang in there.

[bestclipperfan]

Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

Yo man ! Hope everything comes out good but u may need to meet new girls . Have some fun but not too extreme... if she was to really belong to u man it would have happened a long time ago . U may need to just moved on man . Take it easy man...

[PirandelloLuigi]

I believe it's never over, some couples can come back after 2, 5, even 10 years...

If she loves you she will come back one day...
If you set her free and did not beg her to come back, one day she might want to come back.

There is no guarantee in life, just let time pass and see what happens...

[help4me2200]

Hi there, hope you're still around. I relate very much to what you are saying here. i just split with my girlfriend after a long period of offs and ons. I kept having anxiety in the relationship, unsure if she was right for me (even though she remains the most important woman that's ever entered my life). These would end up in really bad anxiety and a general feeling of discomfort that i just couldn't really put my finger on at first. She had her little annoyances of course, but gradually these little things came to completely completely outweigh all of the wonderful qualities she had. I had thoughts of escape, thoughts of meeting someone better. But every time we broke up because of the way I was behaving, I would be utterly devastated and fall into depression. The longest of these was when we really broke up after christmas.

That time she initiated the split - not because of any love loss, but merely out of self preservation - she could not stand to be hurt be me like that again. I went into the worst depression of my life and literally did nothing for 3 months (id also lost my job before christmas). Beleive it or not i actually met someone else during this time whom i was seeing for almost two of those months, but she was merely a distraction - i liked her, but it was nothing compared to my ex. I really thought I'd never see her again for a long time. But she got back into contact, we got back together and I began having the same thought of is this right etc etc, I picked holes in her. I was thinking i had to end it but couldn't do it. Then one day i was feelign uncomfortable with her and told her to go out with her friend who'd called - it was a weekend that my ex had so wanted to just spend with me. And that instigated this, last break up. And this time for her, enough is enough. She will really I think, never get back with me now, even though I know I am the love of her life.

And now I feel lost, devastated, thinking only of everything good that we had and none of the bad, even the bad now seems good, just part of her. Thinking I want to make her happy, see her, but she will not see me, its too painful for her. And I know i am only hurting her more in trying to contact her as I was at first. i've stopped now because I don't want to upset her anymore. But I am afraid to lose her, to forever wonder what i threw away.

As for sleep, during my darkest days i always found drink and spliffs did the trick. You only feel worse the next day though ;)

Writing this has made me feel better even if no one reads it :)

Hello, I am the guy that initiated this post. I read your response, and I can relate too much of what you wrote. I know exactly how you feel, on one hand this woman was the best thing that ever came into your life, on the other hand you have SERIOUS DOUBT. That doubt is your subconscious mind, or intuition, telling you that something is wrong. You must go with your intuition because it factors in many things that your conscious mind does not. I am still hurting over this situation (but a lot less than before), but I am dating again, and feel it will all work out in the end.

Things always look better in the rear view mirror than they actually were. I do believe that if you are meant to be together, you will end up back together. Sometimes, we have hard lessons to learn. They key is to learn them and grow from them. Keep moving forward, and good luck!