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martina59 · May 27, 2009, 06:46 AM

:(
Our daughter & son-in-law had told us they would like for us to be guardians of our grandaughter shortly after she was born (5.5 yrs ago). Just recently, they decided they would like for us to just continue to be her grandparents, rather than parents (God forbid... if anything should happen to them). So, they've now asked their best friend couple to be our grandaughter's guardians. We have a fantastic relationship with our son-in-law and daughter, and I realize this is totally their decision, but I'm very hurt by it. We're not exactly "pushin the lower 6' "... I'm 50, my husband is 54. Should I share with her my hurt feelings over this, or just accept it? It wasn't made legal with us, nor has it been made legal with their friends as of yet (this couple have no children of their own, but plan to, and are just getting married next month). They are in their late 20's, and both engineers and would like to have a farm someday.

tickle · May 27, 2009, 09:35 AM

Whatever happened to 'godparents' ? Is 'guardianship' a new wave sort of thing. I have never heard of this before. I guess they wanted to choose a couple with more longevity, and probably nothing to do with you, just making sure their daughter will be cared for by a younger couple should anything happen. We have forward thinking young people nowadays you know. There is no such thing as a simple life now. Too complicate matters there has to be 'guardians' now.

If its already accomplished, then I wouldn't be make waves at this point. Possibly their choice may be altered somewhere down the road.

Tick

MsMewiththat · May 27, 2009, 09:46 AM

I would think that they should be more comfortable with parents, particularly at your young age. Given the fact that young marriages can often end in divorce, complicating the situation further. I'm not certain that you should get too upset with the situation, but perhaps sit down with them and discuss at some time when you have "cooled off". Make sure that your ability and willingness to raise the child is there and if ever it made legal that they take all things into consideration.
Don't let it upset you.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2009, 07:28 AM

Originally Posted by tickle

Whatever happened to 'godparents' ? Is 'guardianship' a new wave sort of thing. I have never heard of this before. I guess they wanted to choose a couple with more longevity, and probably nothing to do with you, just making sure their daughter will be cared for by a younger couple should anything happen. We have forward thinking young people nowadays you know. There is no such thing as a simple life now. Too complicate matters there has to be 'guardians' now.

If its already accomplished, then I wouldnt be make waves at this point. Quite possibly their choice may be altered somewhere down the road.

tick

In the US Godparents have no legal standing if one or both parents die. Named guardians do. That's probably what OP is talking about.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2009, 07:30 AM

I'm an upfront person - I'd ask why the change in plans.

Is this legal, spelled out in a document, or just thinking/wishing/planning - ?

I can see, although you are in your 50's and healthy, that the parents would like a younger couple to raise the children. In fact, I can see both sides of this.

88sunflower · May 29, 2009, 07:46 AM

Well I have to say don't hold this decision against them. A few months after my son was born my husband and I made a will. The main reason was to appoint a guardian if something should happen to the both of us. It was the hardest decision to make ever. We didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I know my brother and his wife thought we would ask them, but we didn't and it was hard not to. But we went with someone else in the family because of the values they have and morals. It wasn't a personal thing against anyone. But we looked long term and saw what family our son would fit in with best should something happen. Your still going to be the grandparents not matter what. Don't let this choice hurt you. Its hard and I am sure nothing was meant by it.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2009, 11:37 AM

Apparently AMHD isn't interested in the balance of my comment - :)

Excellent post and it's about not taking offense when no offense is intended.

Again, I would ask for the reason or reasons. I am also sure this was not meant as a slight.

ScottGem · May 29, 2009, 11:52 AM

Look at it this way, you will always be the grandparents. Even if another couple are guardians, they will probably not shut you out of your grandchildren's lives. Hopefully nothing will happen to your daughter and son in law for many years. They may be thinking long term on this.

I would swallow the hurt, that was prbably unintended and make sure you keep a good relationship with them.

88sunflower · Jun 1, 2009, 08:49 AM

If it were me, I wouldn't ask why the choice was made. Its hard enough of a choice to make without putting any more strain on it. Your special no matter what being the grandparent. Let that choice of guardian be up to the parents without any guilt or pressure. You're a grandparent forever, a guardian can be changed tomorrow.