[junkmail31146]

I have a 22 year old daughter that had what most parents would call a sham wedding which she is now out. She moved home and is actually doing well in school which is rare for her. The problem is she rarely sleeps at home. She post she is into erotica in one of her online profiles. She lies about her location and what she is doing. She would not answer her phone for several days. We shut it off since we pay for it. We are in the process in changing the locks on the house. If you do not believe she is a tramp, I do not believe I am interested in your advice. What would you do? My wife and I cannot live like this

[ScottGem]

Well first I would not change the locks. If she gets mail at and has possessions in the house, then she is considered a resident. As a resident she has to be formerly evicted. If you you change the locks on her, she can sue you for an unlawful eviction.

I would, however, tell her that you no longer want her in the house. Depending on where you live you will have to give her legal notice to vacate. If she refuses to leave by the deadline, then you have to file for an eviction order according to your local rules.

A child who lives at home and does not abide by your rules and values deserves to be thrown out. Maybe this will be a wakeup call for her to grow up. But you do not need to have to put up with such behavior.

Now I have to add one more point here. When you post a question on a site like this, you open yourself up to ANY response that someone wants to post. If you don't like the advice, ignore it. But admonition about not caring about certain advice was inappropriate.

[artlady]

If this was my child,I would not kick them out.
I would give them an ultimatum.

Either follow the rules of the house (and be very specific about them )or you will be evicted.

Just because she posted something on a website that says she is into erotica does not mean it is true.

People post things on these sites and lie all the time.It is immature but it does not mean she is a tramp.

Give her the rules and if she does not comply,give her notice of eviction.

[I wish]

If you feel that strongly about her, then let her have her own life and move on with yours. Change the locks, stop paying for her cell phone. Do not give her any financial support and let her be financial independent.

Like Artlady said, give her a notice of eviction if she does not comply with moving out.

She's over 18, so you are not longer responsible for her actions. She has to face the consequences and take responsibility for her actions.

[liz28]

Had to spread the rep Artlady. Like the new quotes.

Junkmail just because your daughter has an online profile, hangs out, and is/or might be into erotica she is a tramp? That's is a strong word. At least she is doing well in school.

I can see if your daughter was disrespectful towards you and your wife but she isn't. I think your more upset about her actions like not sleeping at home, her profile, etc etc.

She is 22 years old but she should call you to let her parents know she is okay so you wouldn't have to worry about her. That is the right thing to do.

What culture are you?

[I wish]

ScottGem disagrees: Changing the locks is bad advice. Their home is her legal residence. changing the locks is an illegal eviction.

I don't know where you get the word "illegal" from. And it's not good or bad advice, it's opinion.

Changing a lock is not evicting someone OUT of the house, it's keeping them from coming IN. If you want to talk about court, then all you have to argue is that the lock was rusting and had to be replaced. Furthermore, there's no law that forces every single resident of a house to possess a key. I think that you're thinking about "rental or lease." You don't sue because you don't have a key. It's different with family members and without a rental contract or lease agreement.

Throwing their things out the door without reasonable notice is an illegal eviction.

Of course the first choice would be to reconcile with her, but she has to "want" to be helped. Seeing that she would probably reject any offer to fix the problems, you should give reasonable notice to evict (i.e. at least 30 days, if not 60 days notice) to allow her to find another place to live.

[Fr_Chuck]

There are 1000's of "illegal" evictions every week all across the US and I am sure the world,

The only issue is if she will sue you if she comes home and can't get in,

Legally you are suppose to give her notice and evict her.

[I wish]

There are 1000's of "illegal" evictions every week all across the US and I am sure the world,

The only issue is if she will sue you if she comes home and can't get in,

Legally you are suppose to give her notice and evict her.

As long as you open the door for them, then there's no reasonable grounds to sue. It's only if you leave them homeless.

[ScottGem]

I don't know where you get the word "illegal" from. And it's not good or bad advice, it's opinion.

While you make a valid TECHNICAL point, what purpose would the OP have for changing the locks other then to lock the person out. And preventing a resident from getting into the premises would be considered an illegal eviction. The resident could call the police, show ID that they live there and the police would force the owner to allow them back in.

Yes, as Chuck noted, illegal eviction happen all the time and most victims will not take action. But it does make you vulnerable to a civil action. So advising someone to take an action that is potentially illegal is against the policy of this site and advising someone to take action that would make them vulnerable to a civil suit is bad advice.

[boltogr]

I agree that tramp is probably too strong a word for a problem like that. It is hurtful too! Just because she likes erotica doesn't mean she lives that kind of lifestyle. Plus, people DO lie on the internet all the time, so it is debatable whether she likes it.

It sounds to me like the worst that she has done is not contact you or answer your calls. Fine, turn her phone off to get the point across. But do you really think that she's going to answer your calls after that?

Although I feel the same way about ultimatums, that may be your best bet. She won't hate you for making her grow up if she decides not to live with you, but you risk losing your relationship with her if you just kick her out no notice or heart to heart about it.

And remember that you love your daughter and you made her who she is in many ways. I'd be willing to bet that some sort of fascination with erotica has arisen due to a repression of sexual information or expression by the parents. Good luck and have patience.

[excon]

I'd be willing to bet that some sort of fascination with erotica has arisen due to a repression of sexual information or expression by the parents.

Hello bolt:

Do you think??

Or, it could be that she has a fascination with erotica because it's NORMAL to do so. Sex is GOOD! Thinking you're a tramp because you enjoy NORMAL stuff, is really, really weird. She'll be lucky to get away...

excon

[liz28]

I wonder how the parents talk to her because if he is calling her a tramp on here who knows what put downs he say to her face to face.

[roxypox]

The way you choose to handle this can really determine the type of relationship you have with your daughter in the future...

I also think that an ultimatum is your best option in any case. I agree with Scotts perspective on this that to change the locks and not letting her back into the house might very well be illegal. I don't know where you live and what types of laws you have there, but if she is an official resident then she has legal grounds to be there ALSO the country where I live a verbal/spoken agreement is as valid (although harder to prove) as a written agreement/contract.

As for the word tramp. I don't know her or if she really is a tramp. But at some point children grow up and they develop a separate life from their parents, sometimes that life breaks with the norms/values/beliefs of the parents, other times it's similar.

no matter what way you view your daughter you should have a talk with her, and if you don't like the way she lives her life well then all you can really do is tell her, ask her to move out so that she can live her life the way she wants and take care of herself.

[boltogr]

Excon: I completely agree with you. I love sex and almost everything about it, including erotic material. I'm simply saying that she could possibly be acting out, and protesting her parents beliefs by adopting a radically different lifestyle.

[talaniman]

What would you do? My wife and I cannot live like this

Your daughter is old enough to make her own choices, and pay her own consequences, so let her. You also have a right to demand she get her stuff and adiós, muchachos. If she doesn't like it, then that's her problem.

If you do not believe she is a tramp, I do not believe I am interested in your advice.

Parents seldom like what their kids choose to do with themselves, when they have grown up. Before I call names though I think a lot more info than you have presented, is needed.

Fair warning, stay off her social pages, and then you won't have to judge.

[chuff]

I have a 22 year old daughter that had what most parents would call a sham wedding

I wonder why she felt the need to get married and be out the house so young?

She moved home and is actually doing well in school which is rare for her.

Was her success always met with such compliments?

It's funny, my dad spoke to me like that too. Back handed compliments that were really put downs meant to... actually I'm still not sure what they were meant to do, nor do I care. Much like your daughter soon to be with you, I don't talk to me dad either. I also don't care anymore because I'm not losing out on those great compliments.

The problem is she rarely sleeps at home.

What is the world coming to when a 22 year old doesn't want to sleep with her parents?

She post she is into erotica in one of her online profiles.

Honestly, isn't this the real problem. She's not the 5 year old anymore and you have a tough time with it. Hey, I would to, so I'm not saying you shouldn't. But what's bothering you is you have certain ideals for her and want a good guy for her that will take care of her. It's what every father wants for their girl. Maybe some day that guy will come for her, but if you don't let her go and stop controlling her every move then this is what the result is going to be. It has been my experience the more suppressed the child the more they revolt as an adult. I think some of that has gone on here. Good intentioned I'm sure. You have the best interest of your child at stake but the more you protect the child as they grow the more they need to find out on their own once they mature. I think we are seeing this play out right here.

She lies about her location and what she is doing. She would not answer her phone for several days. We shut it off since we pay for it. We are in the process in changing the locks on the house. If you do not believe she is a tramp, I do not believe I am interested in your advice.

You really don't give enough information for us to determine if she's a tramp. But if I was female and my dad called me a tramp then I'd prove him right if it bothered him so much.

What would you do? My wife and I cannot live like this

I think we are missing some parts to this. But kicking her out is going to be the best thing for her actually. Getting out of that house will force her to live in the world on her own, enable her to find her strengths, and probably clear her head from compliments that sound oddly enough like insults.

[roxypox]

You have gotten a lot of advice on you Original Post... maybe something's can be of help there?

As for your new post... I honestly don't know what to make of it... (at least not when you haven't responded to the responses to the OP)

What type of advice are you looking for exactly?

How to stop the lying?
What do do about her lying?
Why she doesn't sleep at home, but still has a job and goes to school?
Why she has chosen such a job?

Maybe you and your wife should have a sit down and a talk with your daughter? That way you can voice your concerns and issues you find problematic and she can give you answers to it.

[liz28]

I would love to know how do you talk to her? Do you put he down? She lies to you because she may be afraid to tell her parents the truth because she already knows how your going react.

She works at a chat place wearing a bikini? How would you like it if she was a stripper? Wearing a bikini isn't bad for work. I hear on the news that a place of business weren't doing to good so now all the employees wear bikins (staff is all girls) now business is booming. Have you ever been to Hoosters?

If you don't want to lose a relationship with your daughter you have to open and loosen the strings.

[chuff]

Am I missing something here? Roxy and Liz seem to be responding to the OP but I don't see what they are reponding to.

[ScottGem]

Am I missing something here? Roxy and Liz seem to be responding to the OP but I don't see what they are reponding to.

It was removed.