Check out some similar questions!

talaniman · May 12, 2009, 02:05 PM

The baby is now 2 years old and he and the summer fling of course did not last. They have been broken up for over a year now and we have gotten very serious of the last several months

Lets put that making it work with the baby momma to rest, with the facts.

They tried, it didn't work. Case closed and no reason to beat a dead horse.

Threads get deleted when they get to personal, or off the topic, which is the child and the new mother.

Romefalls19 · May 12, 2009, 02:16 PM

Thanks for clearing things up Tal, I just thought that it got deleted for being wrong.

I agree, the OP has a decision to make, the relationship can last if she wants it to but it' up to her. She needs to understand the girl and the baby are a package now.

nicolerocks711 · May 12, 2009, 05:25 PM

What I don't get is everyone is saying the guy and the kid is a package deal, how about the mother and the child? That is normally a package deal as well. If he is in the child's life, he's in the mother's life and if he's in both of their lives they should try to make it work and it really doesn't seem like he respects the mother to even try it.

Side note: stupid question, but what does OP stand for?

serenemeg · May 12, 2009, 06:13 PM

Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

yea i would love to hear the mother's side of the story, but that's not possible. I personally think the mother and father should try to work it out as much as possible before they break up the family and move on to different partners.

Im sure you would love to hear the mothers side of the story and so would I! She was pregnant about a month after they were dating. She made all of the decisions with no regard to his feelings. She even called and told his mother before he had a chance to. Sounds like you two would get along well.
As for them trying to work things out, he tried. He stayed with her during her pregnancy and for 10 months after that. He did all those things to try and make everyone happy, but the problem was that he was not happy. According to him, he never stopped loving me and he couldn't make the other relationship work for various reasons, her wanting him to take care of her financially (mortgage, credit cards bills, etc) in addition to the child as one of the major issues, as well as the fact that they fought constantly.
I left a part out that needs to be cleared up... This is not his first child. He has two grown children from a previous marriage. The mother passed away years ago before we met. I have always been close to his older children and treated them with the utmost love and respect. I do things with them all of the time and love them to death.
Like I have said, its not the baby's fault and I know that, I guess it's the way he was brought into this world that gives me that "sick to my stomach" feeling. It was hard to accept that he was having a child with another woman that he didn't love and so soon after we broke up. I felt like this other woman stole all of my hopes and dreams, and that's why I struggle with this new addition. Now since he has this baby, he doesn't want another one for a couple of more years. So, in a sense, I constantly feel like I am putting my life on hold to accommodate him and other times I understand his desire to want to wait a little while longer to marry me and have another baby with me.
I am 30 years old. My biggest fear is that by the time he is ready to marry me and create a family with me (that will be blended with all of his other children) it will be too late and I won't be able to get pregnant. Call me selfish or self-absorbed all you want, but I have always wanted to be a mother and carry a child, and it is something that I am not willing to give up on.

Romefalls19 · May 12, 2009, 06:23 PM

There is nothing wrong with that at all, I had the same worries as you did with my fiancé. I was worried that since she has already had two children, she wouldn't want to have one with me. The best way to clear this up, is talk to him. Tell him what you are feeling(about having a family of your own, together) and see where he currently stands. If he can't commit then you know what you need to do.

liz28 · May 12, 2009, 06:32 PM

Originally Posted by serenemeg

Im sure you would love to hear the mothers side of the story and so would I!! She was pregnant about a month after they were dating. She made all of the decisions with no regard to his feelings. She even called and told his mother before he had a chance to. Sounds like you two would get along well.
As for them trying to work things out, he tried. He stayed with her during her pregnancy and for 10 months after that. He did all those things to try and make everyone happy, but the problem was that he was not happy. According to him, he never stopped loving me and he couldn't make the other relationship work for various reasons, her wanting him to take care of her financially (mortgage, credit cards bills, etc) in addition to the child as one of the major issues, as well as the fact that they fought constantly.
I left a part out that needs to be cleared up.... This is not his first child. He has two grown children from a previous marriage. The mother passed away years ago before we met. I have always been close to his older children and treated them with the utmost love and respect. I do things with them all of the time and love them to death.
Like I have said, its not the babys fault and I know that, I guess its the way he was brought into this world that gives me that "sick to my stomach" feeling. It was hard to accept that he was having a child with another woman that he didn't love and so soon after we broke up. I felt like this other woman stole all of my hopes and dreams, and thats why I struggle with this new addition. Now since he has this baby, he doesn't want another one for a couple of more years. So, in a sense, I constantly feel like I am putting my life on hold to accomadate him and other times I understand his desire to want to wait a little while longer to marry me and have another baby with me.
I am 30 years old. My biggest fear is that by the time he is ready to marry me and create a family with me (that will be blended with all of his other children) it will be too late and I won't be able to get pregnant. Call me selfish or self-absorbed all you want, but I have always wanted to be a mother and carry a child, and it is something that I am not willing to give up on.

I think you should've posted this in your original post. This just shows what type of guy you have--a good one which he rare.

The only thing you can do is accept this child like you did with his other two.

Communicate your feelings to him. This will help clear the air for the two of you to move forward.

nicolerocks711 · May 12, 2009, 06:37 PM

Ser- thanks for adding the additional info. I am glad you get along with the older children.

You can blame the girl for getting pregnant right away, but it takes two people to do the deed and it seems like they weren't as cautious as they should have been.

Raising a kid is very stressful and time consuming, this guy has 3 kids now - personally I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want to have another kid. If that ends up being the case would you be OK with that?

Survivor07 · May 12, 2009, 07:00 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

There is nothing wrong with that at all, I had the exact same worries as you did with my fiance. I was worried that since she has already had two children, she wouldn't want to have one with me. The best way to clear this up, is talk to him. Tell him what you are feeling(about having a family of your own, together) and see where he currently stands. If he can't commit then you know what you need to do.

I agree with all of the above.

You sound like you have a lot of history with this man and you are close again, so telling him your fears like you did in your last post is the only way to go.

There are so many scenarios.

You walk because you can't get over the fact he fathered this child.

You stay and communicate and bond with his child and down the road get married and, one, you do have another child and life is good OR, two, maybe you can't have children and this little one could be your stepchild that you love more than anything... who knows. The more people who love a child, the better for the child.

Time will tell, along with honest talk with your man.

serenemeg · May 13, 2009, 09:59 AM

We had a big heart to heart last night about all of this and it went really well. I even told him that I had gone on this site for advice. I thought he would be upset that I was asking random strangers for advice, but he told me he thought it was awesome and that he knew I was sincerely trying to cope with all of this. He told me that he wants all of the same things that I do (marriage, baby, etc) and not just because that is what I want, but because he also wants to share those things with me. We have a counseling session scheduled in a couple of weeks, so we will see how that goes. I knew what the situation was before I got back together with him, but you don't realize how hard it really is until you are living it! I pray that one day I will be able to truly appreciate the baby as being part of my life and know that everything happens for a reason.

88sunflower · May 13, 2009, 10:00 AM

That's wonderful news!! I hope it goes well and keep us posted.

Justwantfair · May 13, 2009, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by serenemeg

We had a big heart to heart last night about all of this and it went really well. I even told him that I had gone on this site for advice. I thought he would be upset that I was asking random strangers for advice, but he told me he thought it was awesome and that he knew I was sincerely trying to cope with all of this. He told me that he wants all of the same things that I do (marriage, baby, etc) and not just because that is what I want, but because he also wants to share those things with me. We have a counseling session scheduled in a couple of weeks, so we will see how that goes. I knew what the situation was before I got back together with him, but you don't realize how hard it really is until you are living it! I pray that one day I will be able to truly appreciate the baby as being part of my life and know that everything happens for a reason.

I have lived it and unfortunately you have a reminder of your separation.

Everyone has a past and even if you were out there dating someone else, they would have a past of their own.

Sometimes you just have to weigh the value of the relationship that you are in and what you are willing to throw it away for.

Good luck to you, counseling is a wonderful step.

88sunflower · May 13, 2009, 10:14 AM

Sometimes you just have to weigh the value of the relationship that you are in and what you are willing to throw it away for.

Every now and then I hear or read something that just makes all the sense in the world to me and then it all clicks... this was it. Loved this one comment!!

Romefalls19 · May 13, 2009, 10:27 AM

I am happy to hear the positive steps you are taking. Just like yourself, I thought the same about my fiancé. "So she has kids from another marriage,no big deal." This quickly changed and it did take time to adapt, it's still adapting because I have to see her ex(not right now for a year since he's in rehab) but I also deal with her family. It's a trying situation, not for everybody, but if there is love there and a willingness to make it work, it is possible.

Survivor07 · May 13, 2009, 02:39 PM

Good for you Seren

The good things in life aren't free, but they're worth it. I wish you the best. Counseling is a good step and communication is vital. You're doing everything right. Best wishes.

secyck · Oct 12, 2010, 08:27 AM

Run away! You'll find someone else! Why hinder yourself with such baggage! If we only live once why would you want to waste your life giving all your love to someone who can't do that in return! Your feelings will always come second!

akgurl · May 22, 2012, 07:49 PM

It seems to me that even if you break up again you will still make up... the bond and the love seems strong between the two of you. The easiest way to accepting this child is by accpeting and understanding the situation (its harrrrrddddd I know!! ) but if you really love this guy and he really love you then I guess its worth a try... and yeah its not the kids fault at least you understand that. Please do not allow fear to overcome you , its always said to do exactly the opposite of what fear is telling you to do (God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind... 2 Timothy 1:7). The guy seems to be a very nice and understanding one.
Im justthinking that you will also have to go through the whole find one, love one, bind to one process all over again and time is still going... check to see if the bad out weighs the good and so... but it all sums up to what you want and what makes you happy.

Will you be happy away from him?
Will you be able to move on and heal from the whole thing or will you be in thoughs of what could have or couldn't have been had you given it a try?
Will you be happy living in this situation?
What are the chances of overcomming them and building a beautil life with the one you love?

Lastly, sometimes to get the things that we so deeply desire will require us to accepting and loving in a way that we may never imagine or thought of... life is strange and some of the most beautiful things come in the most uncomfortable packages.

My final advice is to pray to the creator and let your heart be at peace with the final decision that you made. All the best and please not I understand your situation more than you may think.