[ajGambino]

Hello everyone.

I'm new to this place and what brought me here was desperation. After almost nine years, she's left me high and dry. We decided to move in together, so I've been moved out since September with her. It was all great for a few months, then she began getting annoyed with me. While I was willing to meet her half way with everything, she never did the same. It was her way or the highway. For example: if she needed help with something, I was suppose to offer instead of her just asking for it. I can understand that (to a certain extent) but the main problem was us going out to do stuff. I admit, we didn't go out very much. She would complain and I told her, "If you feel like going out or want to go out sometime, just let me know." We've had two big fights about this and she's agreed with me about that, but then she goes against her word and says, "I shouldn't have to ask you."

Two days have passed since she packed up and left me without saying a word. I called and she wants time and that I should respect that. I was begging, doing anything I could to get her back. I just can't believe this is happening. The nights here feels so alone. Today I went to work and it was the longest eight hours I've ever experienced. I cried four times (went to the bathroom) and felt so weak I couldn't stand up without shaking, not to mention I am not eating. Haven't eaten for two days now. This whole mess makes me want to kill myself (not going to) because I feel like it's all my fault.

Regardless, I've read some experiences and want to thank you all for helping me cope with this. Reading everything helps me a lot. I've never experienced something so painful and I don't know how long it will take to heal but I have no choice.

Things I'm doing:
NC / friends / family / work / hobbies / me

If there's any additional advice out there, please feel free. I need all I can have at this point.

[Gemini54]

I don't understand why all was well for 8 years, and then as soon as you moved in together it all went pear shaped.

What was different when you weren't living together? Why did she have to ask you to go out? Why would she leave without telling you?

Perhaps the first thing you need to consider is why it happened. Give yourself time to reflect on this and seek counselling if you truly want to be objective about your own behaviour. Don't beat yourself up - we all make mistakes. The most important thing is to learn from them.

You may feel awful for a couple more weeks but it will start to ease, particularly if you set about understanding what you did to create the break up. Use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself and create the conditions for happier relationships in the future.

[ajGambino]

The difference was the 8 years of not living together, obviously she didn't like living with me. We both have made mistakes but got through them (I did, didn't seem she did). The going out part, it was with just us. She would want me to ask her if we can go out instead of her saying she wants to go out. I did this but I guess it wasn't enough.

[Dare81]

Donot beg, donot try to contact her, let her make her decision, if she thinks that the relationship is worth salvaging she will come back.In by the way needy and desperate is never attractive.

[I wish]

Sounds like you are on the right track.

I think that you guys dragged out your relationship longer than it should have been. Everything that happened seems inevitable. You were eventually going to move in together one day and she was eventually going to see your bad habits. I'm sorry you guys didn't realize it sooner. But better late than never. So hopefully you can have some peace knowing that you might have feelings for each other, but you weren't right for each other.

Any breakup is going to be tough, but at least you gained experience and you are more aware of what type of girl you want. So when the next girl comes along, she'll be really special!

[ajGambino]

Thanks guys, I'm trying to be as strong as possible right now. I cannot be alone right now, I always have to be doing something with my friends or family. I still can't eat or sleep very well if you have any suggestions for that.

[a la king]

First things first. You need to worry about yourself 100%. Sounds cliché, but it's true.

Just remember that whatever you do right now will leave a lasting impression on her. If you grovel and act like a baby she will remember those moments. And while you may hope she see's it as sweet and that you care - it's not the impression she will have. In reality she will see you as a big pu$$y who can't hold his own. You need to be a man here. Be strong and deal with what you've been dealt.

My advice. If she contacts you (don't contact her) tell her in a heartfelt way that you love her and it's sad that this has happened. But that you will give her what she wants. And that's it!

Then you can go cry in a corner for the next 3 months (which is normal by the way). Work on yourself and all that other jazz that people say here.

If there's ONE huge thing I regret-- it was losing my dignity. Things I did and said back during my breakup make me cringe and feel sick. Don't do the same thing.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Does she have someone else?

[a la king]

Does she have someone else?

Why does this matter.

[ajGambino]

That's what I needed to hear, king. I've thought about being 'sweet' and giving her flowers at work or at her house, telling her I want her back but I see how things are viewed from a different person. Thanks man.

[ajGambino]

She said she isn't seeing someone else but that may very well be the case. Maybe she's trying to protect my feelings... either way, I need to deal with it and prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[a la king]

That's what I needed to hear, king. I've thought about being 'sweet' and giving her flowers at work or at her house, telling her I want her back but I see how things are viewed from a different person. Thanks man.

Flowers and all that are OK for certain situations- but sadly your situation is past that. Think of this too.. do you really want to be able to sweet talk your way with flowers to a girl who walked out? Walking out is a big deal and requires a lot of thought and SHOULDN'T be able to be made all better with some flowers.


First impressions are important, but I think the lasting impression is the most critical. Those last moments of any meeting are what people think about over and over again.

Walk away with your head high. If she comes back great (she probably won't, sorry) but if she doesn't she'll remember the man she left behind. And you'll be able to continue life the man you really are.. growing and learning every step of the way.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Why does this matter.

I was wondering why after 9 years would someone just leave like that for what seems to me none issues or issues that couldn't be worked out.

[a la king]

I was wondering why after 9 years would someone just leave like that for what seems to me none issues or issues that couldn't be worked out.

Well none of that really matters right now. It's all about him and his coping at this point. Stressing over the thought of an ex being with someone else only adds to the fire.

[ajGambino]

I will try my hardest and for myself, not for anyone else. I still can't believe she left me high and dry after all we've been through but I guess that's the last thing I should be thinking about.

*sigh* and the pain goes on...

[a la king]

*sigh* and the pain goes on...

Embrace it! It's one of the few times where you're allowed to be a suck! ;)

[ajGambino]

I've been in NC since April 21st and still counting. I'm happy to say I've gotten my appetite back. I still think about her but now see a clearer picture. At first it was all about regret, thinking about, "if I hadn't/would of done this/that, things would of been different..." Having time to think about it all, I was just giving her an excuse for her to leave me and didn't see the true picture of she just didn't want to be with me anymore. She wanted to 'spread her wings' and explore her interests and feelings and used a decoy in either guilt or to spare my feelings.

I'm not happy about it, probably won't be for a while... but a good thing is I'm learning about my mistakes and learning that it takes two people to end a relationship so beating myself up for it was only adding regret to what I did wrong when in fact she had a lot to do with it. I've back-tracked and have even seen a bunch of red flags for ME to end the relationship.

Anyway, I'm making the most of the situation. Threw away all her stuff she gave me, going back to school, reunited with a few friends, learning how to play guitar, working my a$$ off at work. I can't thank you guys enough for helping me.

[Gemini54]

I'm glad you're moving through it - see, it's isn't that hard when you put your mind to it (unlike some other posters!). Keep well and keep happy.

[ajGambino]

Yeah, I need to keep my mind set on my goals, my beliefs, MY LIFE. I can't believe how much my life evolved around her.

Now I'm seeing a bigger picture and even though I still think about her and the relationship, I don't have urges to contact her anymore. I think I'm off to a pretty good start, just need to keep my head up.

[ajGambino]

Oh boy, she called me and texted me about an hour ago but I told my friend to delete the text and I didn't pick up the phone. That just brought back a whole lot of things I don't want to deal with. Ugh..