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tomswife · Aug 13, 2007, 10:12 PM

My husband does not have a good relationship with his mother. In fact, he was not wanted when he was born, and she has not ever been a good mother to him. He was in foster care, was sent to live with family, was sent to live with friends, etc. He has put this behind him, and he's a wonderful, strong man and a great husband and father. We have 2 sons, ages 9 and 12. His father divorced his mom when he was about 2 years old and he never visited him except once when he was 8 and again when he was 18. There was a step-father in the picture (who she divorced also) who we do see occasionally.

He has 3 sisters, all of which are well loved by their mom. She has birthday parties for them, and invites them and their husbands and kids to all holidays and functions. My husband has been willing to attend some of these things that we had been invited to in the past because I asked him to. I thought it might help mend some of the hard feelings from the past. It didn't. There were never any arguments, fights our anything like that though. Things were peaceful and would appear normal to an outsider. Well, we are now cut out of all events again. She decides on a whim that we are cut out of the family for no reason. And I do literally mean no reason. It has been like this for just about all of the 14 years that we have been married. Last year, we did mother's day, her birthday, my birthday, my husband's birthday, and all of a sudden, she decided we were worthless again, and no more invites. My husband doesn't really care either way, except that it's not right for the kids to be on again/off again like that. They've been told the truth about her, which I think is important so that they don't think it has something to do with them. I have no idea what the kids' cousins are told. I'm sure it's not the truth. Probably that we are sick again or some other lie.

So the problem comes in because I am tired of this on again off again stuff. My husband and I don't want our kids around it. The sisters with the kids get mad because we don't take our kids to their childrens' birthday parties when the mom is going to be there. They think this "isn't fair to the kids." Well I think it's not fair to the kids that their grandmother acts like a hag, and don't think they need to be laying this at my doorstep. Am I right? Or should young kids really have to suck it up because a 60-year-old woman wants to treat people like crap? I should add that the grandma treats the other 3 grandchildren so nicely and it's very obvious to my kids that they are not on par. I don't think that they should have to grow up with this nonsense. I also think that these sisters could actually tell their mom that they're not having these other gatherings (like Christmas) at her house anymore because they want their brother and his family there, and tell her they're having it someplace else. Of course I'm dreaming there because nobody will ever stand up to her like that.

Thank you so much to anybody who read all of this! :eek:

LearningAsIGo · Aug 14, 2007, 08:06 AM

If you and your husband don't want your kids around her, that's your choice and nobody else's. His sisters will give you grief because they don't understand what he went through and what your kids see. All you have to tell them is: "Its our decision." and leave it at that.

They don't have to like your choice, they just have to respect it as YOUR choice.

Good luck, I know this can't be easy.

NowWhat · Aug 14, 2007, 08:21 AM

You have to do what is right for you and your kids. Why have such negativity in your life? Who is it benefiting? Surely not you or your kids.
Feelings may get hurt - but again, why subject your kids to feeling unworthy? It's not fair to them. If your in-laws don't see what is going on - nothing you say to explain your point is going to matter. So why bother going into detail outside of "this is our choice". If they do see it - then tell them exactly what you have told us. They are parents - hopefully they would understand and could put themselves in your shoes as to how they would want their kids to be treated. Maybe there could be a compromise - celebrate with the kids without the MIL. Like meet for dinner after the party.
Good Luck.