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Unhappily_Happy · Apr 9, 2009, 02:25 PM

I’m going to try to keep this short. My main question is: how do you support someone if you totally disagree with their decisions?

Here’s the context:

My mom remarried someone she had been dating for a while. 5 weeks after their wedding we find out that not only has her new husband been cheating on her, but that he was cheating on her for a couple months before they got engaged all the way up until a month before the wedding(from what we can prove with phone records.)

Being the oldest child and very protective of my family, I confronted him and he lied to me about it. He then proceeded to lie to my mom about it. It was only when we could show him proof that we knew, that he finally admitted to her what happened.

I thought my mom should try for an annulment but she decided that she wanted to work on her marriage and get help. I totally 100% did not agree with her trying to work on her marriage but I did not tell her what to do, just that she should be careful and to make sure she gets help for herself before trying to fix her marriage.

We are now 8 months later and I have not spoken to this guy since I confronted him, nor do I have any desire to. From what she’s told me, he has not changed. I don’t need people like that in my life and have zero interest in communicating with him…why should I? I’m not angry and I’m not afraid, I just don’t have a spot for him in my life.

This guy has a long history of cheating – he cheated on his first wife and, according to his daughter who has witnessed many of his relationships go sour, he’s cheated on most of his girlfriends.

How do I support my mom while she’s going through this if I don’t agree with her decision? She seems to think that support involves acceptance and love and me just going along with her decision because I support and respect her. I can’t just pretend I agree with her. How do I show her that I support her even though I don’t agree and will not have anything to do with him?

Any advice will be appreciated!

mudweiser · Apr 9, 2009, 02:40 PM

If your mother knows this already and is willing to stay with him then your left out of the equation. She's a grown adult, whether her head is on right or not it's still her decision.

I know it hurts to see her go through that drama but the best thing to do is to support her.

Does she know how you feel? Maybe one day you should tell her this and explain to her that you love her and that you don't like it for X reason, but you'll be there when she needs you.

Sarah

JudyKayTee · Apr 9, 2009, 02:40 PM

Apparently your Mother has come to terms with whatever it is her husband is or has done. I see this more about her life and how she wants to live it.

You are putting a lot of pressure on her and she may very well think she has to choose between you and him. That may also cause her to defend him even more.

I think you talk of other things, don't nag her and assume she's an adult, making adult decisions which she feels are best for her. If the relationship crashes and burns, then you bite your tongue and continue to love your mother.

I don't tell my mother who she should marry and how that person should behave. She does the same for me. I believe you have posted you've been living with your boyfriend for 3 years. Maybe this is not "all right" with her - but what does she say about it?

Unhappily_Happy · Apr 9, 2009, 02:55 PM

That's the thing, I don't want to impact her trying to work on this thing with him - if it works it works, if not then she's going to have to deal with that.

But in the meantime, how do I deal with family functions when I can't stand to be around him?

mudweiser · Apr 9, 2009, 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by Unhappily_Happy

But in the meantime, how do I deal with family functions when I can't stand to be around him?

Just because you dislike someone doesn't mean you have to be rude. Be brief and polite with him, I'm sure he'll know why your not going to be his buddy.

Try to keep the peace, at least for your mother's sake. You might have to bite your tongue or be polite when you really do not want to. You may have to say "good morning" or even "hi" when you would rather say nothing at all [or something worse]. But there are just some times in your life when making "nice" conversation, could be the only way to make it through the day or a particular event.

Being polite does not change the person that you are, or your own feelings about him. You do not have to spend extra time with him, you just have to manage the time that you are forced to spend together and by doing that, you will make your own life that much easier.

Since this was not by your own choice that you have to be near this person, you have to at least understand that that you can be the bigger person and get through by whatever means are necessary.

P.S. No making evil glances across the room.

Sarah

talaniman · Apr 9, 2009, 09:04 PM

Give your mom love, and support, and let her do what she has to. You don't have to like the guy, just be civil, for your moms sake, and pray for the best.

Jake2008 · Apr 12, 2009, 03:17 AM

You are going to have to be civil to him to maintain a relationship with your mother.

She knows how you feel about him, and you're entitled to that opinion. Just be careful not to poison the relationship you have with your mother.

I think you did some good work there providing 'proof' of his infidelity. That your mother made her decision to stay with him anyway, was not for lack of the truth. You cannot do anything else for her.

With his track record, I wouldn't be taking any bets on this relationship, but miracles do happen, and perhaps they can work it all out. If that is the case, and your mother is happy with him, you being civil will take away some of the stress she has over being between the two of you as Judy said.

twinkiedooter · Apr 12, 2009, 10:18 AM

Mom may not want to admit she made a mistake with this husband and is still in deep denial about it. Just keep your negative thoughts to yourself about him as sooner or later mom will snap out of it and start to see him as he really is. You will do no good if you just keep shoving her face in a pile of doo doo and saying "I told you so" that he was a bad person as you will definitely alienate her from you and you don't want to do that.

It's her life and if she messed it up, she will have to just unmess it. Just let her know you are there for her to call and talk or talk in person and then when she does want to talk please listen and don't judge. You can't get another mother in a big hurry so please try to keep the one you have on your side.