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My teen lies on me and I don't know what to do?
My daughter has gotten on this site and said that I went through her journals and room (which is true) I also check her emails from time to time... BUT my child has threated to hurt herself more than once... lied about where she is and what she is doing... and been caught with a boy when she was suppose to be at the movies with her girl friend... so if I am not suppose to go through her journals and room please tell me what am I suppose to do to protect her from herself... also she has been on this site saying that she is being harassed at school and I have done nothing about it even after she told me... that is untrue she never told me or I would have been right at the school that day... and I do not black mail her as she has stated to you other than telling her if she can not make good choices on her own then I will make them for her... so of you thought I was wrong for checking up on her if you have any better Ideas I would love to hear them also if you have any ideas on how I should handle her not telling the whole truth I would love to hear them to... thanks
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From the looks of it it seems as if you are trying to be a better mom, or your trying to find more reasons to punish your daughter.. The first mistake was for you to sign up on to this site.. Honestly, I can't believe how possessive you are! This is the only thing your daughter had to herself after you "rapped" her room and privacy.. How do you expect your daughter do be honest with you, when all you do is be in her business and not give her room to breathe? Maybe the reason why she didn't tell you that she was harassed at school could have been because she didn't want to hear you call her a sl*t again.. I know you wouldn't have, I know you would have helped her.. but she doesn't see it that way because most of the times you have been very dominating and have never given her the benefit of the doubt.. Your daughter says that she has moved in with you about 10 months ago.. I get that it can be really hard to bond with a child.. but you not trusting her is the biggest mistake you are doing.. If she really was abused by her father for 11 years, then your poor daughter has been through so much.. so don't blame her for acting out ones in a while.. You need to learn to control yourself.. I suggest you save the relationship between your daughter before its too late.. She is only threatening to harm herself because you make her unhappy.. and because of that she is not satisfied with her life.. she is miserable.. She lies about were she is because you don't trust her.. and you have already made it hard for her to communicate with you.. I don't believe your daughter lies as much as you like to make her sound she does.. I think you are trying to justify that the way you behave towards your daughter is acceptable... By the way, it is not... (im not going to mention stuff that I already have mentioned before on your daughters post... I just say give her a break and learn to trust her... ) It looks like your relationship with your daughter has more downs than ups... you need to get your act straight and start being more than just a mom, sometimes try to be a friends since the mom part is not doing you so well... And whenever you and your daughter argue, please just let it stay between you... there's no reason to let her grandpa butt-in when you know your daughter is on the verve for resenting you forever... You have to learn to get your act straight... you need to know that how you are behaving is not good to your daughter... Kids do mistakes.. but you are no longer a kid.. you should be the one guiding your daughter to the correct path by having open honest communication, rather than guiding her away from you.. I know I'm putting all the blame on you.. but I really want you to change the way you act with your daughter so that things can get better between you two.. try acting different... First thing you have to do is let her have her privacy abit... This site would have been a nice gift from you if you could have let her had it to herself... Its obvious your daughter needs help and support, she knows this, that is why she came here, to this site, but now you have taken this away from her... Your actions make up the person your daughter is.. You might not agree with me, but your pushing her away from her sanity... |
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I think you signing up to this site was a very good idea. It might could help you open lines of communication with your daughter better and help strengthen the relationship between the two of you. Unspoken21 there is two sides to every story and believe it or not teens sometimes have a way of twisting things around because they want to be free. Free to do anything they want without rules because they think they can. I was a teen once and hated my parents rules and thought they were controlling because of the rules they set until I grew up. I don't know what is going on in there household because I don't live there but somewhere between both stories lie the truth. You stated in your post that "Maybe the reason why she didnt tell you that she was harassed at school could have been because she didnt want to hear you call her a sl*t again.. I know you wouldnt have, I know you would have helped her.. " even you think she called her daughter a slut or not? I know kids have a way of hearing what they want. For example: I once told my daughter she does stupid things and I had a heart to heart talk with her after that because she thought I was calling her stupid but I wasn't. So I cleaned up with I said to her and watched what I say to her so she will never misunderstand what I say to her again. Back to the OP I really think your daughter needs counselling especially since unlawful things have happen to her and I agree with Unspoken21 that she might be acting out because of it. Individual and family counselling might be best. She needs you and it seems like you want to help but she doesn't want to accept it. Please look into it and if you have health insurance you can go through them for counselling if money is an issue. I hope you return and I wish you and your daughter the best. Somehow I think you would get better responses if you this thread was in the parenting section instead of here. |
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Liz28 thank you, I work very hard to be a good mother and weather anyone agrees or not trust is something earned not just given however I did give her a lot of trust and she violated that now she has to earn it back all in all she has done very well under the cirumstances but now I am becoming more and more concerned for her safety and well being before she came here she had no rules at all now she has them and I am trying to help her and teach her to be a young lady which is very hard because she does not trust me a whole lot either I work very hard to earn that trust by being honest with her and we both go to theropy and have been for about a year but it is still a long hard road. I do not always make the best choices but it is not because I am not trying. And a far as others not agreeing with me I would rather have my daughter hate me then be dead or worse and no one can tell me that they would not do anything to protect their child... and as far as me calling my daughter a sl.. t that never happened I love her and my get frustrated sometimes and my even raise my voice (not yelling) but I would never call her those kinds of names... and secondly she does not always tell the truth but that is the way she survived after being kidnapped 11 years ago and brain washed in believing I did not love her or want her so now I am trying to teach her that she does not have to lie to me that I may say no but it is because she is not making a choice that will be good for her in the end. |
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liz28.. Just because you are a mom it does not mean that all moms are like you... No mother is alike... And mothers can also have a way in hearing whatever they want... Ive got tones of examples and I'm glad to share them but this is not my thread... This child needs help.. And so do you Jcompton1272, maybe a bit more than your daughter.. Why are you so afraid that she will mess up in life? I disagree with liz20, the child does not need her mother on this site... this site should have been for the child so the child can speak out on her own... Its not right for a mom to take away everything that a child has and keep on taking it... Jcompton1272 you need to learn to trust your daughter... Don't try to play innocent on this site.. There are 2 sides to every story.. but one is pretending to be more sweeter... It might seem as if I'm against you Jcompton1272, and a part of me is.. but I would love it if you and your daughter can have a better relationship... So I'm just going to keep answering my honest opinions because I hope they will help you out to see the way your daughter views things.. and if you really want things to get better between you two then you should care how you daughter views things... |
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Here are her daughter threads if anyone wants to read them Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results Unspoken21 I must ask who are you to say who can or can't join this site? I think your really one sided. Both mother and daughter wants help and need it so therefore I won't be entertaing your thoughts any longer. Also, you never know if this is really her mother, I hope it really is though, because I been on this site for a while to see that sometimes one person would pretend to be different people but I hope this isn't the case. I would rather hear the opinons of parents than from someone who isn't one. OP what did you do or say when your dauhter inform you that she was rape? Or is this your first time reading it? |
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I think that you need to have more understanding and need to communicate with your daughter more. I don't think everything she said was a lie oherwise she wouldn't have come to us for help and support and kept it from you. You really should ask her about her problems even if you think she is misbehaved because she was sexually harassed by her father and people who have had this happen to them become damaged emotionaly. Just because she has been with a boy does not mean that you should read her emails and her journal and poems because you are invading her privacy and destroying her feelings even more. You have her trapped in a box and she doesn't even want to express herself by writing and doing things she likes. Just talk to her and be more understanding of her feelings. Your daughter has poured her heart out to us because you haven't been listening to her. So just listen and don't think that everything she says is a lie. Even if everything she wrote on this site was a lie it shows that something is wrong and you should help her. |
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I wasn't a bad kid myself, but I made bad choices as a teen. The worst thing I ever did was start flirting with other people, and that was enough to make my mom go insane and start monitoring everything that I did. Because of that I never had room to do anything bad. She'll hate you for it in the present, but she'll understand why when she has a daughter of her own, you have to become aware of everything that she does. Have teachers call you if she misses a class, get some eyes on the inside, spy on her. Every time she does something wrong you need to have a talk with her about it. Not an angry one! She'll yell at you most likely but you have to keep your head and talk in a calm voice. Also, don't let the conversation end on a bad note if you can end it on a good one. Find out why she does what she does and don't accept "Because I wanted to" or "Because I'm a teenager" for an answer. She, like any other teenage girl, is simply hungry for attention and according to her actions you can tell if she's not getting enough.
To even things out I know from experience that nothing heals a teen-parent relationship like a good time at the mall. Buy a few outfits for her as often as she'll agree to go with you (if you can) and once every few times let her best friends come along too so they can see how you are and remind your daughter of how cool you are when she gets upset. Hope that helps. -Mouse |
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Jcompton127, how come the father had custody of your daughter instead of you for at least 11 years? How did he kidnapped her? How long was communicate lost between you and your dauggter? This might be the course of your not being able to communicate and her dislike for you. Since she wasn't in your care for a number of years you is like an untruder to her. A relationship will take time to form and a whole lot of care. You can't just start to be her mothe over night when you wasn't for years. Who knows what happen to her while she was in her father's care and she is already stating she was rape and you need to follow up on it and whoever did something to her belongs behind bars like the rest of the perverts. If my daughter came to me about this I would've reacting already. I would probably be behind bars if I found the person in question before the cops did. Do something and your daughter might be acting out because your not doing something, if you hadn't already done so. This issue should be address asap. I hope you come back with answers soon. |
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 Originally Posted by liz28
And I could be a mother as far as you know.. But I'm not but I a biological one... Lady I'm not here to because a fight.. U seem abit onesided as well, since you are not willing 2 hear what I believe... I have no say who is allowed in this site but the mom shouldn't be spying on her daughters every move... jcompton1272 all I wish is the best for you and your daughter so you don't end up in the wrong direction... |
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The way I see it, every parent has to figure things out on their own. There's no one that is perfect, there's no one that is going to give you the answer for what is right for your situation. You just have to do what you feel is right to protect your child, and at the end of the day you can look back and say "hey, i feel i did the right thing", or "maybe that didn't work so well, i'll try something new next time". Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they automatically know what to do. I struggle with that every single day. It's a learning experience. So don't listen to people telling you that you're wrong--you just do what you need to do, and you'll have to figure it all out in the end. Other than that, the best advice I could give is just to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. She's old enough that you can actually talk to her now. Let her know what your feeling, tell her why you go through her stuff, let her know you're sorry, or not sorry, but most importatly let her know that you love her. I went through a lot of the same stuff with my mom, and I know I put her through hell, but once she actually sat me down and talked to me like I was an adult, instead of just a stupid teenager, I actually started to care a little, and now my mom is my best friend. |
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Well by the sounds of it your just being a good mam if you think that she has a risk of hurting herself then you should look through her journals and emails but I don't think you should do it a lot maybe leave her for about a week and then if she does something like disappear for a while then check her journal and emails and teenagers are going to be awkward because they don't see that their parents are only trying to protect them just keep doing what you think is right and she's going to hate you for now because of it but when she's older and nothing bad has happened to her she will know you were just helping her keep being cruel to be kind though love she'll deal with it eventually!! :)
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Unless she is a very misbehaved child you shouldn't look through her stuff all the time. If you do at least do it discreetly without her knowing because she doesn't want you to look through her stuff. Anyway I'm actually glad you joined this site (even though it's kind of nosy)because now instead of trying to help her get away from you, we can tell you develop a better relashionship with her. I know you aren't a terrible mother. You just need to hang out with your daughter more because she doesn't think you like her. Doesn't it bother you that your daughter cries in her room because of you? Just ask her what's wrong. |
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Thank You! Here goes her daughter threads:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...28726.html,and https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...me-317988.html |
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I want everyone to know that no matter how bad the situation gets with my daughter and I, I always end our conversation with I Love you and explain to her that I am truly sorry when she is hurt by the things I do but that I do them because I Love her so much and I always tell her that I will never stop loving her and will always back her no matter what. I also explain to her that if I did not love her and want the best for her I would do nothing that is much easier to be a bad parent then it is to be a good parent. Since this last round she has calmed down some and does not seem to be so angery with me.
I do not go through her stuff daily or even weekly only when I have reason to be concerned because even though I have told her several times she can talk to be about anything even if I will not like it and may even get upset or angry I still love her and will get over it I know that she still does not talk to me about everything like when she said she was going to hurt herself she seemed fine and happy I had no idea she was hurting so if she will not talk to me how am I to know if I do not check things out. I check her emails not because I don't trust her but because she is to trusting of strangers sometimes and I worry about her dad being in contact with her and causing her more harm. My daughters dad and I had joint custody he was the custodial parent because I was going through major depression mainly because he was so mentally abusive to me. One day I went to pick her up and they were gone I searched for them but could not find them I finally found her on myspace 10 years later. When she told me what he had been doing I never questioned her I went straight into action it has been very hard on the whole family but we are very slowly getting through it. I hope I have answered everyone's questions. |
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Originally Posted by jcompton1272
I Have Snooped on my kids when I had reason to believe they were hiding something from me that could be potentially dangerous to them.. I felt I had no choice,it is my job to protect them. If I discover that my child is getting mixed up with drugs,I am going to be pro active and prevent possible arrest or even death.At that point I would not gives a rats behind if I invaded their space or not.. What price are we willing to pay as parents? I think if you have a child in trouble ,you do whatever it takes to make sure they are safe.If invading some privacy saves a child then it is worth it. In this case the end does justify the means. |
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