[Bonita--]

Wow, I can believe your boyfriend is letting your past interfer with the present so much and in return making you feel the way you do and making you suffer. This why sometimes you can't tell someone the complete truth because they can't handle it but he needs to understand the past from the present and stop thinking about it and really let it go. I mean who know the two of you would wind up together and what is done is done so again he needs to let go. With the way he is letting the past take toll on your relationship I'd be afraid to open up to him again.

Also, if he can't pay to see a therapist he can always go through his health insurance by getting a referal from his physican. Or he can go to any city hospital mental health office to see if they free counseling because I know the ones in my area do. Or you can google some free ones in your area.

I know, I wish I didn't tell him now. I only told him because I didn't want any secrets between us but now I don't think it was worth it to tell him and in the future I'll never tell anyone else the truth. Although, he's always had a problem with my past from the very beginning.

Thanks for the ideas. I'm going to mention it to him and hopefully he can get to see one soon.

[Bonita--]

You know something....everyone has a past.....his using yours that way is simply an immature cop-out. I've known or dated several women who were rape vitims or far worse. What matters is the person you are her, right now, today.

There is a famous old German saying, " What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger".

You take you life experience (good and bad) to make yourself a better person now and in the future, and don't waste your time with anyone who uses your past to call you damaged goods.

I agree. I keep trying to explain to him that I know I made mistakes and I was young and stupid at the time and I learned now but he won't let it go. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Is it fair if I say to him that he needs to accept my past or I have to leave him?

[smoothy]

I agree. I keep trying to explain to him that I know I made mistakes and I was young and stupid at the time and I learned now but he wont let it go. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Is it fair if I say to him that he needs to accept my past or I have to leave him?

My opinion is yes... You are who you are. You can't change the past, nobody can. He deals with it or you move on. Would you want to be dealing with this with him 10, 20 or even 30 years in the future? I bet not.


And honestly... if he says he will, I bet he may just suppress it... for a while. If he doesn't find a way to come to terms with himself... all he would be doing is sweeping it under the rug. Its still there, and that little pile just gets bigger and bigger until it looks like someone threw a rug over a small animal. Then it's a big mess rather than a small one.

[Bonita--]

If it were your past that was causing his lack of sexual function, that is only part of the picture. I don't think that you are the cause of this.

If he were so distraught about your past, you would see it through the entire relationship. He wouldn't trust you, he'd be disrespectful, show little affection, and would consider or threaten to leave, avoid you, be accusatory, and blame you for ALL the things that go wrong.

If he were bothered so much by your past, wouldn't he treat you as a different person?

It seems to me that the problem is sex only. Why is he okay with everything else, and blames you for his lack of ability in that department.

It is a convenient excuse in my humble opinion, to have a ready made reason for him not to take care of his own business. He needs to see another doctor, who specializes in sexual dysfunction, and get to the bottom of the problem. It may very well be a physcial cause that is not diagnosed.

As long as you accept the responsibility for his problem, he is not addressing it.

Wow, what you're saying is sooo true. I showed my boyfriend what you said and he said that the reason he hugs and kisses me and is affectionate is because nothing will stop him from loving me it's just when we have sex he thinks about all the guys I had sex with and it makes him go soft.

I agree with you though, if my past was the ONLY problem then he wouldn't want to be affectionate and he would threaten to leave.

[Bonita--]

My personal opinion is yes....You are who you are. You can't change the past, nobody can. He deals with it or you move on. Would you want to be dealing with this with him 10, 20 or even 30 years int he future? I bet not.


And honestly....if he says he will, I bet he may just supress it.....for a while. If he doesn't find a way to come to terms with himself.....all he would be doing is sweeping it under the rug. Its still there, and that little pile just gets bigger and bigger until it looks like someone threw a rug over a small animal. Then its a big mess rather than a small one.

I've told him that before also. He can't just ignore it because it's always going to come back. He needs to accept it or else it will never go away. No I'm not willing to deal with this for years. I don't think it's fair to me. I understand my past hurt him but I never cheated on him and I never did any of these things when I knew him, it was all before, so why should I suffer now. Maybe it hasn't been long enough since I told him the truth, maybe he needs more time. I told him about 2.5-3 months ago..

[smoothy]

I've told him that before also. He can't just ignore it because it's always going to come back. He needs to accept it or else it will never go away. No I'm not willing to deal with this for years. I don't think it's fair to me. I understand my past hurt him but I never cheated on him and I never did any of these things when I knew him, it was all before, so why should I suffer now. Maybe it hasn't been long enough since I told him the truth, maybe he needs more time. I told him about 2.5-3 months ago..

Well you can give him some time... but keep in mind... he has to deal with it... its not your problem. And know that some people are so petty about certain things there is the possibility he might not come to terms with it, and you have to be able to be objective and decide when its time to move on if it comes down to it.

People are who they are... if you try to bend over backwards to conform to someone else's expectations it will make you very unhappy.

[Bonita--]

Well you can give him some time......but keep in mind....he has to deal with it....its not your problem. And know that some people are so petty about certain things there is the possibility he might not come to terms with it, and you have to be able to be objective and decide when its time to move on if it comes down to it.

People are who they are.....if you try to bend over backwards to conform to someone elses expectations it will make you very unhappy.

I hope that one day he can accept it. He says he can but obviously he's going to say that. I don't know if 3 months is long enough to get over it, I guess only time will tell. Thank you for your advice, you've helped me feel better about myself. This has been really hard on me and it helps when people can understand it from my point of view.

[smoothy]

I hope that one day he can accept it. He says he can but obviously he's going to say that. I don't know if 3 months is long enough to get over it, I guess only time will tell. Thank you for your advice, you've helped me feel better about myself. This has been really hard on me and it helps when people can understand it from my point of view.

Also It helps to say I've actually been in a similar situation.. mostly from his side, but having been there, and having come to understand what had to be done I can relate. Its going to be hard for him to do... and no promise he really will come to terms. He has to rationalize it in his own way to deal with it and accept it, or not. In my case I had to walk away... accepting the situation wasn't one that would have worked in my case. Her issues were way different than yours in that she was continuing a destructive course of behaviour by her own chosing that could land her in jail or the morgue.

[Bonita--]

Also It helps to say I've actually been in a simular situation..mostly from his side, but having been there, and having come to understand what had to be done I can relate. Its going to be hard for him to do....and no promise he really will come to terms. He has to rationalize it in his own way to deal with it and accept it, or not. In my case I had to walk away....accepting the situation wasn't one that would have worked in my case. Her issues were way different than yours in that she was continuing a destructive course of behaviour by her own chosing that could land her in jail or the morgue.

It's a tough situation to be in and it does help that you went through it yourself. It's good that you can relate from his side but also understand my side. I made these mistakes almost four years ago, haven't done anything like it since, and I never will again. I understand how hard it must be for him but I really believe that one day he'll learn to accept it. I know he loves me a lot and I'm willing to help him get through this. I think our relationship is worth it. Thank you so much for your advice.

[smoothy]

It's a tough situation to be in and it does help that you went through it yourself. It's good that you can relate from his side but also understand my side. I made these mistakes almost four years ago, haven't done anything like it since, and I never will again. I understand how hard it must be for him but I really believe that one day he'll learn to accept it. I know he loves me a lot and I'm willing to help him get through this. I think our relationship is worth it. Thank you so much for your advice.

Oh I completely understand from your side. People make mistakes, most learn from them... You can't hold people responsible for minor things they did in the past. What matters more is that those same poor choices aren't continuing to happen. We have all done things in the past we aren't proud of. Most of us have learned from those mistakes and most of us won't hold on to someone's past indescretions like he is.

[kp2171]

I understand how hard it must be for him but I really believe that one day he'll learn to accept it. I know he loves me a lot and I'm willing to help him get through this. I think our relationship is worth it.

I probably said something like this before... but id like to stress one thing. Both sides should be doing the "heavy lifting" in this relationship. Now... sometimes one person does more mental work... you are willing to try to help him work through whatever noise he needs to work through.

That's fine. I don't think what he is doing to you is fair (passively "punishing" you for your past)... he doesn't get to choose to be with you and then complain about things he needs to accept... but its your choice. You get to put in as much "extra" work as you choose to.

Lord knows I've had times when a woman's patience was desperately needed, even if not deserved.

Just make sure you aren't always doing the work to make this work. Most people, in time, will not thrive in that environment. If he tends to hold grudges, cling onto mistakes of the past, tends to use these things to corner you when there are issues in the relationship, its not good.

Or at least its something you need to be willing to deal with.

I've done a lot of dumb things. Some on purpose. Some without intent. But one thing I'm not going to do is have to constantly validate my character today by defending or apologizing for past transgressions.

You seem genuinely sorry for mistakes you've made. I hope he learns to genuinely "forgive" and accept.

Not that I think you need his forgiveness for anything. You might need your own forgiveness, tho'.

Best wishes.

[bizzy 420]

i probably said something like this before... but id like to stress one thing. both sides should be doing the "heavy lifting" in this relationship. now... sometimes one person does more mental work... you are willing to try to help him work through whatever noise he needs to work through.

thats fine. i dont think what he is doing to you is fair (passively "punishing" you for your past)... he doesnt get to choose to be with you and then complain about things he needs to accept... but its your choice. you get to put in as much "extra" work as you choose to.

Lord knows ive had times when a womans patience was desperately needed, even if not deserved.

just make sure you arent always doing the work to make this work. most people, in time, will not thrive in that environment. if he tends to hold grudges, cling onto mistakes of the past, tends to use these things to corner you when there are issues in the relationship, its not good.

or at least its something you need to be willing to deal with.

ive done a lot of dumb things. some on purpose. some without intent. but one thing im not going to do is have to constantly validate my character today by defending or apologizing for past transgressions.

you seem genuinely sorry for mistakes youve made. i hope he learns to genuinely "forgive" and accept.

not that i think you need his forgiveness for anything. you might need your own forgiveness, tho'.

best wishes.

Hey, sorry I took so long to reply. Since he told me that my past was bothering him he hasn't brought it back up, which makes me feel a lot better about it. However, the sex is still bad, he's still going soft. I had a huge breakdown and started crying because he's gone soft literally almost every time we have sex or tried to have sex and it's making me feel horrible about myself. We both were crying like crazy and he told me he wants us to go to his doctor next week and find out if he can get free counselling somewhere. I know I shouldn't let if effect me this badly but myself esteem is getting really low because of this. But yea, that's the conclusion that we came to for now and hopefully he can get some counselling.

Thank you.

[bizzy 420]

Oh sorry, I replied to this while in the account that my boyfriend made. He actually asked a question in the adult sexuality section a few days ago, but his question was deleted and I went in his account to find out why it was deleted and forgot to sign back out. Sorry for the confusion but this is Bonita--.

I'm still wondering though why was his question deleted? The title was "still looseing erection after 8 months". I can't find it anywhere and it says that it no longer exists but I can't find a reason why..

[Synnen]

It was deleted because of the chat speak.

Adult Sexuality is an ADULT board, and the site in general discourages any chat speak. Most of the time, if no ages are given, I assume anyone using chat speak is 14.

Maybe that's biased, but I figure that if you're asking an adult question, you should be communicating as an adult--using proper English.

I suggest that he repost his question, stating your ages and making sure not to use any chat speak.

[Bonita--]

It was deleted because of the chat speak.

Adult Sexuality is an ADULT board, and the site in general discourages any chat speak. Most of the time, if no ages are given, I assume anyone using chat speak is 14.

Maybe that's biased, but I figure that if you're asking an adult question, you should be communicating as an adult--using proper English.

I suggest that he repost his question, stating your ages and making sure not to use any chat speak.

Oh OK, I thought that's why it was deleted. I told him to write it again but type properly and say his age. Thanks.

[bud909]

Since your past will never change, he will never ultimately become comfortable with your past. This is a very difficult issue for a man to overcome.

Do both of you a favor and release him from the relationship. Ultimately, he will feel better and you will feel better. Don't feel bad for moving on. It's just not a fit, and its not healthy for either of you.

[Catsmine]

Are you one of those folks that take a masochistic joy in guilt?
If so, you're in the perfect relationship; may it bloom into a true self-loathing.
If not, talk to your guy about a sabbatical -- not a breakup, just a vacation from each other. You can even promise not to see anyone else for a year.

As of the time of your post, you obviously don't like yourself very much because you indulged. Why are you guilt-tripping? If all you came out of it with is a sexual history you are a very lucky individual. AIDS and Herpes and Hepatitis and Addiction were right there waiting for you.

As far as advice goes, leave other people alone until you can deal with yourself. If you can learn to like yourself, everything (make that EVERYTHING) else will fall into place. It's old Seventies psychobabble but nonetheless true.

[Bonita--]

I actually posted this a few months ago, and since then my boyfriend went to the doctors and found out that he has low levels of testostorone which may be contributing to the problem, and he also admitted to me that he was a virgin when we first had sex and that's why he was always so nervous. Since I posted this my past has never been brought up, and the sex has even gotten a bit better.

[letmetellu]

I don't have an answer to your question but I do have a question to ask of the females.


Bonita-- Confessed to her boyfriend to some of the things that she had done when she was sixteen, she claimed that she was stupid and that all her friends were doing it also.

So my question is how many girls did the same thing as Bonita did at sixteen of even younger and are now sorry for doing it. If you could go back in time would you do it the same again or would you try to not have sex till later in life. One other question, for those of you that gave oral sex thinking it was not sex at all, what is your feeling now about whether oral sex is sex or not.

[Synnen]

I don't have an answer to your question but I do have a question to ask of the females.


Bonita-- Confessed to her boyfriend to some of the things that she had done when she was sixteen, she claimed that she was stupid and that all her friends were doing it also.

So my question is how many girls did the same thing as Bonita did at sixteen of even younger and are now sorry for doing it. If you could go back in time would you do it the same again or would you try to not have sex till later in life. One other question, for those of you that gave oral sex thinking it was not sex at all, what is your feeling now about whether oral sex is sex or not.

This should be a new question, really.