 |
|
| Browse | Ask | Answer | Search | Join/Login |
|
|
||||
|
My past is bothering my boyfriend to the point where he can't have sex with me
Before you start reading just let me warn you that this is going to be long.
For seven months now my boyfriend has had trouble having sex with me. He loses his erection almost every single time we have sex and sometimes he can't even get hard enough to have sex. He kept telling me it was because he's worrying about performing badly, but after awhile I started to wonder if it was something physical so I got him to go to a doctor. The doctor said he has high blood pressure but that he thinks it's more of a mental problem than physical. So this is where my past comes in. My boyfriend has always had trouble with my past. He doesn't bring it up but I know it bothers him. I used to lie to him about it because I was ashammed and I was scared he would leave me if I told him the truth. I felt guilty though, and I didn't want any secrets between us so I told him the truth about 2-3 months ago. He's always had a problem with my past and now it's even worse. Some of the things that bother him are: He accidentally seen a picture of me and my ex-boyfriend naked together. A few of the guys I had sex with or had sexual contact with he knows them personally and was friends with them at one point in time, and that bothers him a lot. I have been with more people than he has, and he said that makes him feel like when we have sex it's nothing special to me, that he's just another guy, which isn't true at all. He asked me why did I sleep with so many guys and I told him the truth, which was because I was young and stupid and I thought that every guy I found atttractive I should have sex with just because I could. Now he thinks that every guy I look at I want to have sex with because I think he looks good. I used to go clubs and flirt with guys and send guys pictures of my body, and he knows the truth about this and it bothers him. He said he knows the way I was before and it bothers him because he loves me so much and he wants to care for me and protect me but then he thinks about all the guys that have used me for sex and it hurts him. He said to me "imagine trying to have sex with me after seeing a picture of me and another girl having sex". This was his way of telling me the truth as to why he can't get hard when we have sex, which is that he's always thinking about my past. Those are just some of the things he told me. I don't really know what to do about this. My past is my past, I regret it more than ANYTHING. I made these mistakes when I was 16years old, I was young and stupid I thought I knew what I was doing but really I had no idea. At the time I didn't think it was a bad thing to do what I was doing, I thought it was normal. My friends at the time were the same way as me, which didn't help. Finally I smartened up and I stopped acting the way I was. I completely changed. This happened almost four years ago, and I regret it more than anything, but I can't change it. I know it hurts him and I want to help him but what am I supposed to do if it's bothering him that badly? He said he still wants me and he's never thought about leaving me, but that it just hurts him a lot and he can't have sex with me because of it. He still holds me all the time and he's very affectionate but when it comes to sex he can't do it. The obvious solution would be to not have sex, but what else can I do to help him? This is really hurting me. I regret my past so much and I know that I can't change it. I hate to know that something I regret so much is affecting the relationship with someone I love to death. I mean I never cheated on him and I feel like now I'm suffering for something I did years before I knew him. What can I do to help him? |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Normally I never give a short answer... I'm the one apologizing for going on and on...
Here... my answer is simple. You can't help him. A person simply CANNOT choose to be with a person and punish them for "mistakes" of the past. I don't think you necessarily made as many mistakes as you think you did. You mightve done things you wouldn't do again. You mightve done things you wouldn't do today. But who the hell am I to whine and complain if my partner is good in bed? Am I supposed to get pi$$ed off when she uses some great move she learned with some other man? Really?? Is she supposed to smack me upside the head if I'm going down on her and I do it well because I learned from other loves?? Ungh. OK. I'm going to try to stay on topic. He has high blood pressure. He has performance anxiety. He has mental blocks. Any one of these can lead to erectile disfunction. Guess he went for the hat trick... the all three combo. Look... the truth is all throughout your post. You are suffering for his BS noise, his petty anxiety, his inability to "forgive you" for your past... as if you need to be ashamed and forgiven. You cannot help him. He needs to get his head out of his arse. I am in no way trying to marginalize the real effects of stress or anxiety or physical conditions concerning ED. It is real. Fine. But this guy ticks me off. He might be a great guy in every other way, but he is a master blame shifter in the bedroom... and its only going to get worse. High blood pressure? OK. Is he healthy? Getting enough exercise. A study of young men with ED showed that exercise alone corrected the problem in a majority of the men. Anxiety and mental blocks? OK. He needs to get his head right. Along with exercise, working out mental blocks is another prime area that reduces ED in younger men. I'm not saying dump him to the curb... but the problem isn't your past. Its him. He needs to get his body right and he needs to get his mind right... and if he isn't willing to do any heavy lifting in this relationship... well... then you get to... I'm sorry about the rant. Normally, id offer kind suggestions to help him with ED issues... but he sounds like a person who is more than willing to live with his conditions and push all the blame to you... and I know you deserve more than that. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
My fiancé has high blood pressure and it doesn't affect our sex life. Your past is your past and can't be undone. I respect you for being honest with him about it because I know it isn't an easy thing to do and he should respect it too. Some people can't handle nor deal with the truth because of their own insecurites which your boyfriend has and your left in the situation your in. However, I can understand how your sleeping with someone he knew can affect him but again it was before him. Maybe, if you haven't tried, you should talk to him about what your feelings right now and sadly if he can't let go and see the woman that lies before him, well that's is a decision you have to make. I give you a lot of respect and glad you wise up when you did because some females never do. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Any problem with the vascular system can cause ED. High blood pressure or vascular disease is one of the things a med provider would look for. His ED might be largely from this physiological issue (tho' I believe its from many things) and I don't minimize it.
That said... he doesn't get a free ride. He is putting all the blame on you... making it your issue... your past... your mistakes. What a load. A man can have performance anxiety and ED issues tied to it. Fine. A man can have vascular or hormonal issues that cause ED. Fine. A man can have mental blocks that lead to ED. Fine. Many things can be tied to ED. What you do about it is what defines you as a man. Its one thing to have a problem that its challenging and frustrating. It is a problem that can shake a man at his core. But... its another to simply roll over and blame others for ones issues. He needs to exercise and work to get his vascular system healthy and he needs to talk to a counselor (most likely) to work out of these mental blocks. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I think that you have to break up with this fellow... he is too weak-minded at this point in his life; he needs to have a girlfriend at his level of emotional development and sexual viewpoint. You are probably the dominant person in this relationship... you two are a mismatch. There is no reason to waste any more time together in an enterprise destined to lmake each other miserable in the long run. Best wishes, :) |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
For once, I agree with Choux. Break up with him, leave, get away. He's not going to change, and all it's going to do is make you feel worse and worse about yourself--when you have no reason to. He needs to grow up and accept that people have a past. Period. I honestly don't get guys like this--do they really only want virgins in order to have sex? In the future, with other guys, the ONLY part of your sexual past you should bring up is that you have been tested and are clean of STDs---and then only say that if it's the truth. He doesn't need a number, and he certainly doesn't need to know WHO. It is none of his business. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Your guy sounds very immature. He can't handle the fact that you've been with others. Of course, you cannot change your past, nor can you change his reaction to it- unless he is willing to see a counselor with you concerning his hang-up, I'd dump him. I hope everything works out well for you...
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
How High Blood Pressure Leads to Erectile Dysfunction
To understand how high blood pressure can lead to erectile dysfunction (ED), you first have to understand how erections work. Getting an erection is really a complicated process. Anatomy of an Erection In the shaft of the penis there are two side-by-side chambers of spongy tissue called the corpora cavernosa. They're mainly responsible for erections. Just below them is another chamber called the corpus spongiosum. The urethra, which carries semen and urine, runs through the center of it. The corpora cavernosa are made of small arteries and veins, smooth muscle fiber, and empty spaces. The chambers are wrapped in a sheath of thin tissue. When you get an erection, nerve signals from your brain or from the nerve endings in your penis cause the smooth muscle of the chambers to relax and arteries to dilate, or open wider. This allows a rush of blood to fill the empty spaces. The pressure of blood flow causes the sheath of tissue around the chambers to press on veins that normally drain blood out of the penis. That traps blood in the penis. As more blood flows in, the penis expands and stiffens, and you have an erection. When the excitement ends, the smooth muscle contracts again, taking pressure off the veins and allowing blood to flow back out of the penis. Then the penis returns to a flaccid state. Many Factors Conspire to Cause Erectile Dysfunction High blood pressure is a major cause of erection problems. A study in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society in 1988 found that about 49% of men ages 40-79 with high blood pressure had erectile dysfunction. A more recent study of men with high blood pressure, published in the Journal of Urology in 2000, found that 68% of them had some degree of erectile dysfunction. For 45% of the men, it was considered severe. High blood pressure keeps the arteries that carry blood into the penis from dilating the way they're supposed to. It also makes the smooth muscle in the penis lose its ability to relax. As a result, not enough blood flows into the penis to make it erect. Men with high blood pressure may also have a low testosterone level. Testosterone is the male hormone that plays a big role in sexual arousal. High blood pressure by itself can lead to erectile dysfunction. But some drugs for treating high blood pressure can actually be the cause as well. Diuretics (or water pills) and beta-blockers are the blood pressure medications most commonly linked to erectile dysfunction. Diuretics may cause erectile dysfunction by decreasing the force of blood flow into the penis. They may also decrease the amount of zinc in the body. Your body needs zinc to make testosterone. Beta-blockers dampen the response to nerve impulses that lead to an erection. They also make it more difficult for the arteries in the penis to widen and let in blood. What's more, they can make you feel sedated and depressed -- and the mind always plays some part in sexual arousal. Sometimes, the choices that some men with high blood pressure make can add to the problem. Smoking, especially, is one of those. Smoking increases blood pressure, and damages blood vessels and reduces blood flow all around the body. The power to take control of your blood pressure and your sexual health is in your hands. By living a healthy lifestyle and working with your doctor, there's a very good chance you'll once again be able to have normal sexual function. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
 Originally Posted by Bonita--
It's no one's fault here, but you're not ready for a relationship. A relationship needs stability which stems from trust, respect and self-confidence and clearly, neither of you two have that right now. Break up with him so you can sort everything out yourself, alone. At least then you'll leave it on a good note because it's not going to get any better. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Your past is your past. He needs to deal w/ it or move out of the way!
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
This could very well be E.D. (refer to my earlier post) and he is not man enough to cop to the fact so he is blaming your past on his problem. You can't rule out the medical side of this. I find his excuse implausible and just a way to put the blame elsewhere.To admit erectile dysfunction is not easy on the male ego, so he is taking the easy way and blaming it on some psycho babble nonsense about your past. Did his erections stop as soon as you confessed to him? I doubt it.He is using your past so he can feel like this issue is not his to bear. Either way you look at it,erection or not ,sex or not,you have to live with your past and you should forgive yourself. Tell him he needs a urologist and then he might think about therapy for his inability to accept you as you are. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Breaking things off is the best solution. There's no way to fix the way he feels about you if he can't understand the past is the past. He is making your past your present and you don't need that. You've changed and your different smarter person now, don't let him make you feel like you can never get over it. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm going to try and address everything everyone has said.
About the erectile disfunction, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have that. He get's hard very easily and he stays hard during foreplay and oral sex, it's just when we start having sex he goes soft. One thing I probably should have mentioned is that he's paranoid schizophrenic. He takes medication for it which is what causes him to have high blood pressure. Also, I think I might have given the wrong impression as to how he's dealing with this. He never actually says anything to me about my past. When we first got together I knew he had a problem with it because I knew he didn't like the guys in my past, but he never said anything about it. When I first told him the truth, he was upset but also happy that I was honest. He never mentioned it again until 2 days ago when I asked him was it bothering him. I always had a feeling that's what the problem was but I never wanted to talk about it so I didn't say anything to him, until the other day. The reason he knows so much about my past is because some of the guys I was with told people that they had sex with me (this was in highschool) and it got around, so that's how he knew about it. I actually denied it for a long time but I told him the truth when I was confessing everything to him. To be honest if I knew he slept with as many girls as I have guys I would feel horrible about it too. I regret my past a lot, and for years I ignored it and acted like it never happened. I only told my boyfriend the truth because I respect him and I don't want to hide anything from him. Maybe it's really hard for him because I lied about it for years before I told the truth. We've only talked about it twice, which was when I told him and when I asked him was it bothering him. When he told me it was the reason he had trouble having sex with me I wanted to know what I could do to fix this, and what advice could I give to help him. I don't want to leave him. He treats me so good and the only problem we have in our relationship is the sex. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by Bonita--
Many couples get through this,especially in my age group where it is not uncommon(mid 50's).There is always a real possibility that his medication could be causing this. Either way you look at this,it seems unlikely you are going to sort this out without some medical intervention. Arm yourselves with all the info you can and go to the doctor prepared to ask all the right questions.I hope you get through this,sex is not everything in a relationship but it is a beautiful expression of love that is important. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by artlady
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Well, I feel bad for him but worst for you... I mean, you already regret it and you changed, and he doesn't have the right to torture you for it.
I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes, it must be really hard. All I wanted to say was that he's not only destroying himself by doing that, but you too by making you feel bad and you just need to try and not get hurt from it. He's REALLY insecure and it seems like something has shocked him sexually before you. Maybe he has a girlfriend who made fun of him because of his inabilities? I think that's something to look into but don't pressure him to find out. I think he needs help... not from you, from a psychologist. He has some big personal problem with his self esteem and only an expert can help in my opinion. I wish I could help more, good luck though honey. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by flyingeye57
I don't know what to do in this situation. I don't want to leave him, he treats me good and the sex is the only problem in our relationship, but how am I supposed to be in a relationship when my boyfriend can't have sex with me?. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Wow, I can believe your boyfriend is letting your past interfer with the present so much and in return making you feel the way you do and making you suffer. This why sometimes you can't tell someone the complete truth because they can't handle it but he needs to understand the past from the present and stop thinking about it and really let it go. I mean who know the two of you would wind up together and what is done is done so again he needs to let go. With the way he is letting the past take toll on your relationship I'd be afraid to open up to him again. Also, if he can't pay to see a therapist he can always go through his health insurance by getting a referral from his physican. Or he can go to any city hospital mental health office to see if they free counseling because I know the ones in my area do. Or you can Google some free ones in your area. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
You know something... everyone has a past... his using yours that way is simply an immature cop-out. I've known or dated several women who were rape vitims or far worse. What matters is the person you are her, right now, today.
There is a famous old German saying, " What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger". You take you life experience (good and bad) to make yourself a better person now and in the future, and don't waste your time with anyone who uses your past to call you damaged goods. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
If it were your past that was causing his lack of sexual function, that is only part of the picture. I don't think that you are the cause of this.
If he were so distraught about your past, you would see it through the entire relationship. He wouldn't trust you, he'd be disrespectful, show little affection, and would consider or threaten to leave, avoid you, be accusatory, and blame you for ALL the things that go wrong. If he were bothered so much by your past, wouldn't he treat you as a different person? It seems to me that the problem is sex only. Why is he okay with everything else, and blames you for his lack of ability in that department. It is a convenient excuse in my humble opinion, to have a ready made reason for him not to take care of his own business. He needs to see another doctor, who specializes in sexual dysfunction, and get to the bottom of the problem. It may very well be a physcial cause that is not diagnosed. As long as you accept the responsibility for his problem, he is not addressing it. |
||||
|
|
Not your question?
Ask your question
View similar questions
| Question Tools | Search this Question |
Check out some similar questions!
I always compare myself 2 PAST girls my boyfriend has had sex with, I can't control it
[ 6 Answers ]
Hey there I don't know what my problem is, but I pester my boyfriend about girls he has slept with in the past... even ones from 6-7 years ago. I have been with him for 3 years-and I know he would never cheat. It isn't that, that I am paranoid about, and I know he didn't know me back when he...
Been bothering me for a month.
[ 1 Answers ]
Ok I'm trying to figure out the name and artis of this song. Ok it goes something like this Oh a oh a oh , I danced all intio the night, and she had a voice like te angels sing, It sound like nickelback but I can't find the song anyware. Please help.:confused:
Bad past=boyfriend witholding sex
[ 4 Answers ]
My boyfriend and I have been together just under a year and we both have pasts that are less than great. He spent seven years in strip clubs almost every weekend and has had sex with 4 other women. I have had sex with 7 men and made some really bad mistakes earlier in life. Basically I had a few...
Not to keep bothering you about this judgement
[ 1 Answers ]
Like I said before this guy I have a judgement against only paid me $50.00 and he owe me $1,384.00 because I said I was going to take him bk to court and did not make another payment.should I call him and ask him when he will pay me or should I try to file a lien against his bank acct.or just take...
View more questions Search
|
