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My husband's child
My husband and I got married five and a half years ago.
Two days before our wedding a woman comes to his brother's house where we were and hands him a four month old baby and says it's his. I walked away from the situation but came back because my husband truly didn't believe the child was his. The mother is black my husband is white, the child looked nothing like him but circumstances as they are the baby wouldn't look a lot like him anyway. She begged him to come back to her and he refused as nicely as possible, telling her that their relationship ended months ago, it was a short relationship of two months where it was not exclusive and he didn't love her. Two years pass and he is summonded for DNA and child support. He complies. The child is his. They made contact 18 months ago and she said she was living in a one bedroom apartment with her mother, husband and four kids, including the now three year old, Avery. He picks up the child from her expecting to have him a few weeks maybe months to get herself on her feet. And yes all this time he's paying child support. It has been almost two years since Avery has seen his mother. She called and talked to him once in July and a couple of times in October of 2007. All the while we are still being forced by the state to pay child support to the mother which she refuses to return and yes I have taken necessary action to stop it. It has only been two months since they have started paying it back to him after it's taken from his check. Avery is a VERY disobedient and troubled child. He is not meshing well even after all this time. He refuses to adhere to disipline at home or school. He is in kindergarten and has already been suspended from school three times. Due to the economic crisis my husband has been forced to take a job that causes him to be gone overseas for a month and then home for a few weeks in a rotation. The mother is not interested in the child. She only called when she realized her child support was stopping to cuss my husband out for not sending her money anymore. I cannot tolerate this child's behavior. I have tried everything that I can do. Rewards, punishment, bribery, time out, everything. He treats me badly and he doesn't respect anybody. He has only gotten worse since my husband has been gone and he too is fed up with the constant problems. I finally reached his mother last night and told her it was time to take him back. The only thing she is interested in is my husband's paycheck. I have tried to look at all avenues of getting him out of having to pay directly out of his check. Paying child support would ruin us. We have three other children and we are barely making ends meet as it is. We are doing our best to provide for all of our family but I cannot justify paying her a quarter of his income because how then can we support our other three children? Two of mine are not considered in the "child support worksheet" because they are mine but he supports them. I understand that men have this obligation to support their children. I get that. But when the situation has been that HE never had a choice in whether he wanted the child from the beginning which he did not then why is it that men who don't want these children are forced to sacrific a huge part of their lives and happiness because they are obligated to them. Women have the right to terminate their pregnancies but men have no choice?? And it's all the man's fault that the woman got pregnant to begin with? Because that is what society has been saying. Men have two choices for birth control, abstinence or condoms but women have several choices. Was it not the woman who also laid down and made this child? Why is it that the man is always forced into submission by our legal system? He didn't have the right to an abortion, he has to be subjected to her choice. Now we are left with a child that has been screwed up by this woman or God knows who else and either we pay with our happiness or we pay with our financial stability. Either way we pay. There are women out there fighting for feminist rights. Who is fighting for our men?? There are women who have children by men JUST to get child support and support from welfare! Believe me I have known a lot of them. Why is this OK?? Why are we sitting here watching this happen to our husbands and fathers and brothers? Why is it always said that "he knocked her up" not that "she let herself get pregnant"? Our system is screwed up and someone needs to stop what is going on before the entire concept of "family" is gone. Men forced to pay child support to ex girlfriends or one night stands are having this huge burdon placed upon not just them but the wife and children that they eventually acquire. Does this not say that one child is better than the other? Supporting an estranged child and mother which keeps you from being able to provide the wonderful life you imagined to have with your wife and children? I don't want to raise Avery. I don't think it should be my responsibility. My husband can't because he HAS to have a job. He can't find work in his field in the states. He can't take the child with him. Avery's mother has pretty much abandoned him and if I did try to give him back she is going to break us financially. Are there any other options out there?? What else can be done? I looked into sending him to a boys home for troubled kids but he isn't old enough to go to one. I never could understand why people are punished for not wanting their children but they are and I don't think we deserve it we have done everything we know to do. :( :confused: |
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What state is this in? Your husband's ex wouldn't necessarily receive a quarter of his income, especially for only one child. You mentioned that your husband is supporting your children; has he legally adopted them? Some states will factor in if a parent is supporting another child(ren) but he needs to have legal rights to those children. I'm a bit confused because you stated that the child's mother has been absent for 2 years, but then state that your husband has continued to pay child support to her, then you post that you can't afford for him to pay child support. Either your husband needs to a)go to court and get the child support changed over as well as the custody and physical placement or b)send the child to live with his mother and continue to pay support, as you claim you are already doing. And I don't think it's right that you're criticizing this woman for having a child. Sure, maybe she is just abusing the system but your husband was there to make the baby, too. You have no right to get angry at her for a decision that he willingly made as a consenting adult. |
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Unfortunately for the child your husband took his pants off and laid down with this woman. Whether he loved her or not or took precautions or not doesn't much matter at this point. Your husband has, as you said, a legal obligation to support the child. If he does not want custody, then HE has to go to Court and file a petition concerning child support/visitation/custody. If the father and mother both don't want the child, then the Court will have to arrange for some other placement. If you simply cannot handle, love or, for that matter, like, the child then do the child a favor and get some social or legal intervention. The rest of what you have posted is not for the legal boards. Perhaps it's a good discussion question, perhaps a good "family relationship" question, but it's not a legal question. |
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 Originally Posted by this8384
This case is in two states. And currently my husband's support is calculated off his pay from when he was in the military. If he paid support off his income now, the payments would go up likely five times what he had to pay before. And I think I have full right to criticize her for having a child and not telling him about it and making the decision on her own to try to force him to be a husband and father to her and the child. That is not how you gain a husband but for some reason women think it's OK to get pregnant and try to force the father to marry her. That IS wrong and shameful, but I guess you think that it's OK? Apparently you aren't the only person who feels that way. Thanks for the response although not helpful. |
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Originally Posted by stayc4you
Are you aware that if the mother of the child takes your husband back to Court and it is revealed that he is not paying the appropriate percentage he can be ordered to pay what he SHOULD have paid if he had notified the Court of the change in circumstances? I don't know what States you are dealing with but it is a possibility, depending on how the child support Order was written. Please don't confront people who are trying to help you - what we think or don't think doesn't matter. It's a legal thread and the anwers are according to the Law. Any of the "what do you think, what would you do" arguments are fodder for another Board. Also, a passive aggressive stance is particularly annoying. |
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Of course the child support does not end, just if the child moves in with you, unless the father goes back to court and makes a motion to have it end. The court order is valid and in place until it is changed. I had my one son for 2 years and could not get the order changed and I had to pay child support for those 2 years the child was living with me. You are mistaken about what is fair and what is legal they are two different things. Next if there is a current court order for him to pay and it is not based on his correct pay, the court can make him pay back pay for the correct amount, since there is a valid court order. Next, no there can not be cases in two states, only one state has jurisdiction, so if you refile in another state, it will take over for the other state. If you don't want to hear the truth stayc, please don't ask |
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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
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I feel sorry for Avery. He is acting out because he is lost and most likely wants his mother in his life. He knows your not his mother and see you interacting with your other kids and probably thinks why my mom is doing the same for me. So his feelings turn into anger and his anger makes him act out. This is what he knows and it's sad. Maybe counselling would help him. It's not too late and maybe you're his only hope. Have you ever heard of a singer name Bob Marley? If not he was a reggea singer from Jamaica very well known. Anyway, he got married and had a wife with kids. Well while he was on the road he cheated on his wife a number of times and his cheating ways resulted with kids being born. When these kids was born he would take the babies to his wife for her to raise and he would go back on the road and continue cheating. Now I thought the wife was silly for accepting his behavior and then raising kids that wasn't hers but her husband but she did. She raised them as he own and didn't treat them any different. These kids are now grown and they praise her for taking them in and calls her mom and not the ones that gave birth to them. It takes a strong woman to do what she did and I find her amazing. I know you have your own kids and he is a handful but you can help this boy and it could have an everlasting affect on his future and could do some good. He is screaming for help and you might be that person that could help. Don't give up on him. What does your husband say or do to help him? |
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My husband, up until recently because of all the drama with him at school before he left for China, actually was very partial to Avery. He treated him like "the baby" because he was the youngest. The older kids were actually jealous which caused problems with them and I had to explain to them that Avery was younger and Jeremy didn't have much time with him and we didn't know when he would have to go back. For the first year Avery and I pretty much did everything together because he wasn't in school. But his behavior continued to get worse. I'm not sure that it is directly connected to his mother though because my husband's older son went through some of the same behaviors that Avery is. Although, Devin too was separated from his mother except it was done by the state. It is especially hard for me because my two boys (all four of our kids are boys) have NEVER been disobedient. They are "sir" and "maam" kids. My older son is in 6th grade and has never received a negative comment from a teacher. My younger son has had one teacher tell me he hurt her feelings but I don't think he realized that he did. So like I said very well behaved children. His children are very much the opposite. The assistant principal at the school said she has never in her career had a kindergartener that was as bad as Avery. I don't think she used the word bad but that pretty much summed it up. I also feel bad for Avery I know he didn't ask for this and he didn't ask to be born, but I just wish that he could work with us even a little bit. He is fighting us every step of the way like he hates us and hates being here. At this point my husband just wants it all to go away because he feels like he tried to give his son a better life and a better place and Avery basically spit in his face. Let me give you an quick example. We had to get our licenses renewed. We went to the licensing office and took the kids. While we are doing the paperwork Avery is sitting in the waiting area, just a few feet from us yelling to the clerk saying "put my daddy in jail" and laughing about it. I know he's a kid but we've never talked to him about jail. How does he know about jail? And why would he want his father to be put in jail? It is constantly things like that or worse. He stripped all of his clothes off in his classroom and stood there laughing and playing with himself. We have sought out a counselor for both of his children but it's useless. Like the kids think they are a joke. My husband's older son is on medication because of his behavior. It's much easier to deal with all of this when my husband is home but now he's gone away out of the country and I'm left here lonely and having to take responsibility for everything. I know that sounds a bit whiny but I feel like if I am the one raising his kids someone should be here to help a little. And I can't help but feel like my boys are getting the raw end of the deal out of all this. They do nothing wrong ever, but they are subjected to not being able to be rewarded for their good behavior because we are too busy trying to correct the other two kids bad behavior. I had to get my child counseling because my husband's older son put his penis in my son's mouth while he was sleeping and urinated in it. I have really come to the end of my ability to tolerate these horrible acts these children (not just Avery) perform. But I don't want to walk away from my marriage because of it. If I do that they basically don't have anyone to take care of them anyway. I want their mother's to not be pieces of crap and take care of them like they are supposed to. Love them like a mother should because that's what they need. Devin's (the older of his children) mother is getting better and is actually taking care of him right now, but it took four years for her to do it. Now she is doing much better and he seems to be happy to be spending time with her while my husband is away. I am afraid that Avery's mother is not getting to that point and I don't forsee her to any time soon. I did tell my husband (joking and serious at the same time) that he is not contributing very well to the DNA pool and should stop having children if they were going to have these kinds of problems. We have agreed not to have children of our own.
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Oh, my goodness! I can't believe what your stepson did your son or what Avery did in the classroom. I understand what your going through and to be honest wouldn't want to be in your shoes at this point. Yes, your husband should be with you helping out because you need it. To be honest, I bet you that your husband is happy he isn't so he doesn't have to deal with it. One on hand it's good that your husband stepped in and took his kids so they could be raise in a better home but it's sad that he isn't stepping up and leaving you to cover the slack. Especially since he knows their behavior. He needs to do something and be not partially involve but fully involve. I don't really know what to say to you but when is he coming back because the two of you really needs to talk. |
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I can understand that you feel super stressed by this, and you are uncomfortable. Your life has bin interupted by the economic situation, and Avery.
Things are hard in times like these, but we will get through. "I cannot tolerate this child's behavior. I have tried everything that I can do. Rewards, punishment, bribery, time out, everything. He treats me badly and he doesn't respect anybody. He has only gotten worse since my husband has been gone and he too is fed up with the constant problems." - you Can't or won't? You need to ask yourself, and be honest, is it that you can't or won't? Tried every thing eh? Have you read up on his behaviours? Does he have ADD, ADHD, some kind of mental disfunction? IF so you will need to do more than "rewards/ punishment/ bribery/ time-out and everything" and I think you know this alread. He sounds like a child lost, lonely, afraid, and confused. Question is how do you show him other wise when you don't know how to explain it to him? You may want to take him to a counseler, and you go and listen to the counseler. A few things you may want to try with him, Applied behaviour analysis, or even behaviourism's "shaping", pay very close attention to him, and see if you can point out triggers. Something I recommend for yourself is, Look up Cognitive Psychology, see what you can learn there. Its' about learning what you think, and how you react and how to change that. For Example: A stopper, something that you think that paralizes you from action. Lets say in your case, Avery is hard to deal with. So your thoughts are: "I cannot tolerate this child's behavior! He treats me badly and he doesn't respect anybody. He has only gotten worse since my husband has been gone and he too is fed up with the constant problems." - your thoughts. These thoughts cause you to pretty much feel hopeless and apathetic (don't care one way or the other.). This drains you, sucking the energy you would have to help him/ yourself right out of you, and replacing the energy with fear and doubt. Then comes the snowball effect, the thoughts come more and stronger, until you cave and quit. *One way to over come this is by remembering, "Action equals benefit-to-be-obtained over risk-to-be-taken." -Warning, if you do not use good sound judgment then this can get you into trouble.* There is also, Looking into the "Fast Forword program". See if your school has it, and if he can use it, and what may happen. It's made by a place called scientific Learning. Scientific Learning | Fit Brains Learn Better The program, I believe, was made by the neuro Psychologist, Dr. Merznich. I'll have to continue later, I'm off to watch a movie, Max Payne. Sorry. Peace and kindness be with you. |
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Originally Posted by liz28
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Originally Posted by Nestorian
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Your post was very long and detailed - and there are so many multiple issues here. You sound very frustrated by having to take care of the children by yourself - it sounds like you feel you have been dumped on and your husband is offering no support to you. I would feel frustrated as well - the children are acting out - you have one child that sexually abused another - and one child that is small - Avery - and is having behavior problems. This is no surprise since his Mother has abandoned him, his Father is absent, and he is being cared for by his Stepmother who does not want him. I am not saying you do not have a right to feel overwhelmed by all these children and problems - but it is your husband who came with baggage and a child. You must not take your anger out on this child because you are angry with the Mother - and your husband for leaving all of the responsibility of the children to you. Your husband has a child, Avery, and you cannot change that. From what you wrote, it is clear that Avery's Mother does not want to care for him. If you cannot care for Avery then you must seriously talk with your husband about his plans. You must be honest that you, as his wife and as the Stepmother to Avery, do not want to care for him. Your actions will continue to be very hurtful to Avery since you do not want to care for him. If you marry a man that has a past and children - and trust me most men do - then you must work as a family to help each other and get the help you need. If you plan to stay with your husband, then you must know that he has a child and that he may need your help in caring for that child - whether the Mother is involved. Your marriage is strained at this point and you and your husband would do well to see a Therapist together to address your feelings, your concerns for the children and the fact that basically you are alone in handling all the problems at home. Your husband must be accountable to not just you, but to the children who are young and need the support of both parents. Please do not feel that you have to go at this alone when there is help. If your husband refuses to go - then go alone. You may need to decide whether this situation is what you want. The children are having emotional and behavior problems - and it is easy to blame them - and Avery - when in fact you and your husband need to work as a team - and you may need professional help to do that. You need help here, solutions - and it can be done. From what you wrote, you are trying very hard to ignore that your husband is the other adult here and his participation is badly needed - not just for you but for his children. If you decide to stay - then you must begin to change your frame of mind from "what is mine" - to "what is best for our family" - and that includes Avery. You as his Stepmother should regard him with care and concern, and kindness since he is a child, and the child of a man that you supposedly loved and therefore married. Your anger and hurt at your husband because he fathered a child with another woman is at the front of your frustration however - and this you will need to deal with in therapy if you are to continue with your husband. For your sake, and your family's sake - I hope you find the help you and your husband need and the children need. |
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You know, you're right. And I already tried the therapy thing with my husband and he gets pissed off and says that it is a waste of his time. Believe me I have put forth the effort to "fix" all of this for years. I did most of the therapy work when Devin was little and it was like pounding my head against a brick wall because if my husband doesn't see anything beneficial in it for him alone on an almost immediate basis he doesn't want to have anything to do with it. He gets angry and doesn't hold it in well. He's not abusive but he will sulk and yell. I have told him that I'm not here to be a slave to his decisions but he still refuses to really step in and help raise his own children. One of the biggest reasons I never walked out though was because I know that nobody will take care of these kids when I leave. I did leave once because I was exhausted with him and not just the kids but everything. So guess what he does! He goes back to Georgia and picks up one of his exgirlfriends and moves her in our home in Texas to take care of the children. I should have stayed gone and I was planning to but he knows exactly how to manipulate me into doing things I don't want to do.
Believe it or not if it weren't for his kids we wouldn't even be together. We had Avery visit one other time. He was 2 it was right after the DNA results and child support. My husband had me fly out to Atlanta, Georgia to pick him up. We had him for a month. He was a very angelic child then. Very sweet didn't say much but very sweet. We even went out and bought a used van so we had enough room for all the kids to ride places. My husband was in the army but not deployed at the time. I actually thought I was becoming friends with Avery's mother. She would call every day and we would stay on the phone for hours. Then my husband decides he wants to have one of his fits and move out. He takes his kids and goes to a friends one bedroom house and moves in. Later, after I have packed all my belongings going back home to Georgia he find out that his older son, on a visit to Georgia tells HIS mother that they weren't living at home anymore and they were living in a one bedroom house with his father and friend. My husband comes back begging me to let him move back home and "fix" our relationship "for the kid's sake" he says. "I would do it for you" he said. He was going to get in a whole lot of trouble for having the kids in a tiny little house and not properly caring for them. Later I find out that my husband and Avery's mother had been making plans to get me out of his life so she could have the husband she wanted him to be. Avery's mother was telling my husband she loved him and they would make such a happy family together. All the while she's telling me she hates him and "he's from the devil" is what she said. And how dare he leave her when she was pregnant. I do know for a fact that he didn't know she was pregnant when he left her. I later realize that to her, I'm the "other woman". They had been broken up for months when I met my husband, yet she blames me for them not being together. Still today I can barely get her to talk to me about Avery because it is all about how I stole her man. Now that I'm thinking about all of this and finally putting my thoughts together, I feel like an idiot. And again, whenever I try to talk to him about any of this he gets angry. It's like he feels like I am blaming him when really I'm just trying to discuss things and get them off my chest and get some intelligent reaction from him. But all I get is pouting and stomping. He got a lot better after he got out of the military, but he still won't talk to me about much more then sex and cars. |
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I had some pretty harsh things to say until I continued to read all of this thread, and can see how really overwhelmed you are, and how alone you are with so much to do. Your also pretty tough, you just need the right support with you, and sorry the hubby ain't it. If you have no family to count on, social services, or your local human resource agency, may provide that back up to you. Your husband has to work for sure, but if not for you, these children of his would have nothing at all, so I will applaud your efforts, and hope for the best for you. Now get some help and support. |
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It doesn't sems like your husband cares about you nor his kids let alone yours. He might just be keeping you around to be a caregiver while he does nothing. He cheated, move in ex girlfriends, left you, plotting to do the same with another ex, don't you think deserve better. Drama, lies, unwilling to compromise,untrustworthy, no communication are things that to make a marriage lasts and if he wanted it to he would be doing the opposite and be stepping up to be a real dad. Right now he is mor like a guy in the house whether than a dad. Sometimes you've to do what is right for you for your own piece of mind and right now this isn't. You put up with too much from this guy, I wouldn'e be left, and in the end you've to ask yourself is it worth it? What exactly is he doing to help the household besides providing money? Think about it, I mean really think about. My fiancé cooks, clean, help out with the kids, pamper me, and manage a full time job. This is how it should be with you. Your husband should be giving you a helping hand. Going to go for now but I'll be back. |
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Originally Posted by talaniman
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