[exqsme09]

I hope the relief of knowing tempers the pain of knowing. Hang in there Ex.

Thank you, thank you.

But just know, that nothing, and I mean nothing, tempers the pain of knowing something like this. It is going to hurt for a long time to come. Hopefully only mentally, not physically as well.

Thanks again for your support.

[exqsme09]

Hello again, ex:

Wise man??? He's a comedian on Comedy Central....

Look. Nobody is telling you that you should like anybody who doesn't fit your pictures.... That's fine. Get rid of your old man, and move on.

But, your argument about gay people loses something when you start relying on comedians for your "wisdom".

excon

I felt I needed to address this.

I would like you to understand that my decision to leave my husband has nothing to do with sexuality, or Carlos Rencia, but rather TRUST. I do however get the feeling that you, and possibly some of the others, have already somehow determined that I am a fag basher, which couldn’t be further from the truth!

For you to say that I relied upon the wisdom of a comedian to decide my fate, or that of my husband, is simply patronizing to me at this point in time. Reading over the posts, it is clear that I had already made up my mind before I even learned who Carlos Rencia was.

If you are really an excon, you may have some very strong opinions about homosexuality, based on what you saw. But unlike prison, know that my husband was not forced to do what he did, he was and IS a willing participant. Does that say anything to you?

For all I know I may have touched upon a sore subject. I don’t know, but it leaves me to wonder whether you have any personal experience with this subject, or if you are just being critical of me because you can? I would really like to know.

[exqsme09]

Okay, I dont really want to be chastized here but I just dont get this.

I get that this really has upset you for you have no tolerance for sexual freedom in your marriage. Your right and a good thing to have in my opinion. But I am not sure he has cheated on you other than masturbating at work. gross but if he lives at work, men do this at hunting camp, fishing camp, and any where they group for long periods without women.

Second, he confided something with you that happened before marriage because he felt safe doing so whereas before he did not. The lying is something to be angry about but if he had lied about how many wrecks, how much he gambled or what drugs he has tried before, would you be so upset? Maybe, maybe not.

Lastly, marriage is for better or worse and the some of this may be yours to overcome. From what I have observed you came to get people to support an idea you already had formulated (concious or subconsciously) and were only gravitated towards those who supported your idea.

We all get turned on by things we might would not want to be turned on by. And some we would not want any others to know about. But, I really subscribe to the theory that thoughts are benign, it is how we act upon them that is important. For example, I get so angry sometimes I just want to walk out and quit my job. I hate it!! But those are just thoughts. I do my job to the best of my ability day after day.

Now, is it is not bad to surround us with those that support us. We all do this. But I am not sure you got any help here other than an army of those who support your theory. And you all may be 110% on the right path. But I think there was some other good advice offered and never satisfactorily countered.

I do wish you peace in this process.

I’m not really sure what you are trying to say. I thought I addressed every response whether it was a “validating” response or not.

Did I miss someone? If so, it was not intentional.

[exqsme09]

Maybe I misread this---but I think the OP caught her husband actually CHEATING on her at work.

I think that's grounds for divorce, whether or not the cheating was gay or straight.

But again--maybe I misread that.

No, you didn’t misread it. I just left out all the sordid sexual details. Because really, what difference does that make? I didn't walk in on him and this other man doing it, but then again the door was locked, so I could have, but I guess I'll never know. He opened the door and you wouldn't believe the excuse he gave for why they were sleeping together. You’re 100% correct though… cheating is cheating no matter if it was with a man or a woman.

[excon]

If you are really an excon, you may have some very strong opinions about homosexuality, based on what you saw.

Hello again, ex:

I have strong opinions about homosexuality. But, I have stronger feelings about marriage, and honor and truth too. It has nothing to do with what I saw. It has to do with what I believe. I don't know if your feelings stem from what YOU saw growing up.

But, none of this matters. You are certainly free to live your life as you choose. I have never said otherwise. I have only suggested that you attempt to save the marriage.

From MY vantage point, I haven't seen anything here that is relationship ending. I haven't seen evidence of him cheating on you. Yes, he lied - a BIG lie too. That would be hard for me to get over, but I could get over it.

The reasons I could DO all that, is because I have a different viewpoint about homosexuality, and a different viewpoint about marriage than you do.

That's fine. Get rid of him, and live your life as you choose. You could even think I'm a homosexual if it makes you feel better. I'm fine with who I am.

excon

[plonak]

I have never said otherwise. I have only suggested that you attempt to save the marriage.

From MY vantage point, I haven't seen anything here that is relationship ending.

Excon,

She clearly stated that she walked in on him and found out with 100% certainty that the man is cheating on her.. What more could she try to find out?

After seeing this, in my opinion there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY I would stay married to someone that did that to me...

I don't believe that she is just giving up.. She found out something that is beyond devastating.. and there is too much damage for the marriage to be repared

[TexasParent]

Excon,

She clearly stated that she walked in on him and found out with 100% certainty that the man is cheating on her.. What more could she try to find out?

After seeing this, in my opinion there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY I would stay married to someone that did that to me...

I don't believe that she is just giving up.. She found out something that is beyond devestating.. and there is too much damage for the marriage to be repared

I'm with excon on this one, all marriages are worth saving if both parties are willing to put in the work necessary. The OP is hurt, betrayed, angry... all understandable, and on the surface the easy and the status quo thing to do is to tell him to leave.

However, anything can be worked out. Also, by the time a relationship reaches the infidelity part there have been underlying problems that have built over time. Sometimes the infidelity is just a symptom of other issues and a cry for help.

I suggest, that both parties pause for reflection and then determine whether they want to save the marriage. If so, then I suggest counselling with a good dose of honesty from both sides.

A marriage is worth saving and fighting for.

[exqsme09]

I’m sorry. I have gotten myself all worked up. Now that I have regained my composure, I think I finally understand what is being said.

It seems that I wasn’t willing to entertain the idea that he and I “work it out.” I think that is probably more suggestive of what’s been said. However the fact is I didn’t believe in divorce -- until now.

It seems that the battle is no longer with my husband… the battle is with my beliefs.

He is begging for forgiveness and even offered to quit the second job. Which is really the problem to begin with. But I always understood his job. That is what he loves to do, and that is how he takes care of us. But what I don’t understand is how the one thing that provides so much for us is causing us the most harm?

I am not saying that I would consider it, but if I were to attempt to stay in this marriage, how in the world would I do that? I totally understand the forgiveness aspect of life, love and marriage, but how would I ever forget?? Could I… would I?

[exqsme09]

sylvan_1998 agrees: I agree. OP seemed to come up with more facts as the advice was not what the OP wanted to hear.

Sylvan... I didn't, as you say, come up with more facts when the advice wasn't what I wanted to hear. I simply didn't divulge or exploit the facts.

[TexasParent]

I'm sorry. I have gotten myself all worked up. Now that I have regained my composure, I think I finally understand what is being said.

It seems that I wasn't willing to entertain the idea that he and I “work it out.” I think that is probably more suggestive of what's been said. However the fact is I didn't believe in divorce -- until now.

It seems that the battle is no longer with my husband… the battle is with my beliefs.

He is begging for forgiveness and even offered to quit the second job. Which is really the problem to begin with. But I always understood his job. That is what he loves to do, and that is how he takes care of us. But what I don't understand is how the one thing that provides so much for us is causing us the most harm?

I am not saying that I would consider it, but if I were to attempt to stay in this marriage, how in the world would I do that? I totally understand the forgiveness aspect of life, love and marriage, but how would I ever forget??? Could I… would I?

Give it time and some professional counselling. I know you can't see it now, and it's possible you may never be able to get past this experience; but you are grieving; grieving the world as you once knew it and it has been turned upside down and you consider it gone, dead. So of course you grieve. However, grief is a process and in time you will find forgiveness provided he is worthy of the forgiveness by his efforts, and your efforts to slowly repair your marriage.

In time you may see the good things about him, and this experience while you will never forget will be part of the fabric of your lives that you got through and became stronger because of.

I understand this may be impossible for you, and it's likely you may hold this resentment and anger for a very long time which will make it near impossible to save the marriage. However remember and read this carefully: "Resentment is the poison we take hoping it will harm the person we are resentful about (but it just kills ourselves slowly) and forgiveness is the medicine we refuse to take to heal ourselves because we think it will benefit the other person."

If you are able, give it some time; and talk with him, be honest. You've shared too much history to simply walk away now without trying. Do not expect things to change overnight and I strongly suggest some counselling to have someone guide you through the process.

Whatever you decide, may God Bless you.

[exqsme09]

Give it time and some professional counselling. I know you can't see it now, and it's possible you may never be able to get past this experience; but you are grieving; grieving the world as you once knew it and it has been turned upside down and you consider it gone, dead. So of course you grieve. However, grief is a process and in time you will find forgiveness provided he is worthy of the forgiveness by his efforts, and your efforts to slowly repair your marriage.

In time you may see the good things about him, and this experience while you will never forget will be part of the fabric of your lives that you got through and became stronger because of.

I understand this may be impossible for you, and it's likely you may hold this resentment and anger for a very long time which will make it near impossible to save the marriage. However remember and read this carefully: "Resentment is the poison we take hoping it will harm the person we are resentful about (but it just kills ourselves slowly) and forgiveness is the medicine we refuse to take to heal ourselves because we think it will benefit the other person."

If you are able, give it some time; and talk with him, be honest. You've shared to much history to simply walk away now without trying. Do not expect things to change overnight and I strongly suggest some counselling to have someone guide you through the process.

Whatever you decide, may God Bless you.

Grieving? Is that what it is?

Well now that I think about it, I hadn't really allowed myself to show any emotion since the onset of all this, but then today I read a response, from excon, and it simply brought me to tears. I couldn't even contain myself. What I got from his post was sincerity, and I finally understood what he, and everyone, was trying to say. Can you believe up until that moment I had not even considered staying with my husband as a possibility? His response made me envision the situation from a totally different perspective. For that I am forever grateful.

I do not know what the future holds. I cannot even begin to speculate.

But I can't thank you all enough. I will not be posting back. I think you have helped me with what I needed to know. That I need to use this time to work on things… within.

Thank you, thank you all!

[excon]

I finally understood what he, and everyone, was trying to say. Thank you, thank you all!

Hello again, ex:

The BILL is in the mail... And, you're welcome.

excon

[sylvan_1998]

I am not sure how to put this with out sounding insincere, but you should be proud of yourself for opening yourself up to new possibilities in this most troublesome and turmultuous time.

The whole point of my previous post was to say you seemed resistant to what you did not want to hear, backing up your decision in response after response, shoring up any evidence with new conclusions to rebut those responses that you did not agree with. And all well within your right for it is your life. You were nice and sincere. And I, like excon, did not see how given the circumstances as were previously described it would be marriage ending for me. I only saw suspicion of an affair and a jump to condemn.

Whether there is more going on, the circumstances change, you work through this, you don't work through this, only the future will tell.

As I see it there are two issues here. Is he participating in any type of infidelity? And/or what do all these events mean in your marriage - what are your feelings on this, can you accept it, can he be honest about it, why can he not be honest about it, is he gay or bisexual, how does this affect you? I think a mediator, counselor, or other impartial person would be a benefit while you are working through this.


Good luck!!

[liciann]

Hunny I'm sorry for you but not in a pathetic kind of way but more of a 'you should have already known' sort of manner! Either way its totally not your fault and don't blame yourself. If you're a 9 out of 10 then he's the one that should be sorry not you! And p.s. I hate the fact that men are gay, and they won't admit it, and they get I relationships to cover the truth! It's a sad state of affairs but it is what it is! You will be in my prayers hun!