[BlackVY]

Dude. Let me break it down for you. This girl is having doubts about you. She really loved you and really was crazy about you, she would not care about what others say or do -- like her brother, mother , the mayor and the president etc... Think about it, She is going to live with you not with her brother. Her next step is.. she is going to leave you. Save yourself! Face reality.

That's what I was thinking... that she thinks its all too much and now is using any excuse to get out of it or get away from me, which hurts a lot. She agreed to marry me, and she says she loves me and what's to be with me, but then why isn't she doing the right thing... I guess I do have to face reality... :(

[BlackVY]

She's very lucky to have you and I agree with all the advice and words of encouragement you're receiving from others here.

As I was in a similar position to your fiance when I was around her age (many yonks ago) with a gorgeous Sri Lankan boyfriend, don't be too hurt or surprised if she suddenly finds she can't handle any of it and goes in an entirely different direction. As much as I loved his immediate family and incredible curries, being an introvert, I found the endless family gatherings and gossiping a bit much in the end. Other kinds of women would love it though..... I know of a woman medical intern married to an Indian (successful like you) who absolutely adores him and their family.

If you both still want to get married more than anything else, you might have to accept that she comes before your family....

Thanks for the encouragement. Thing is, she is an introvert, and I like that abuot her, because I'm not one for huge social gatherings and big family events, but she even refuses to come to my house for a few hours when its just my family there. Even that is too much for her. I never asked her to love my family and stuff, but at least stand to be around them sometimes, like once every few months, because they want to get to know her too, but even that is impossible for her. She has let me down so many times when I ask her on Monday if she will come with me to church on Sunday and then maybe have a quick lunch at my place then I'll take her home. Just me and my parents will be there. She says OK, then on Saturday she will say she is not up to it and doesn't want to be around people... its hard because my family is feeling very rejected by her and they think they did something wrong. I would put her in front of my family, but I don't think she'd do the same thing for me, so I don't know what to do. How can I give someone everything I have when they don't do the same for me... Very hard situation.. :(

[frangipanis]

She might prefer the security of being just with you for a while as it seems she loves and trusts you. You might need to give her a lot of time to get to know your immediate family.

[BlackVY]

I have given her a lot of time... and I've been there for her, but that last time she saw my family was when we got engaged, a little over 2 months ago... and before that, the last time she saw them was in Dec last year... she really has no intention of getting to know my family or be comfortable with them... she just doesn't like them, in the same way her brother and his wife don't like me. There is no real reason why, they just don't.

Family is very important to me...

[ibrat64]

Surrounded by strangers is coz she has quite bad depression and social anxiety. She is going to counseling for it and stuff, but she has always been like this due to a low self-esteem.

This is turning out to be a disaster... :(

Hi, Just want to add a thought here.

Could the problem with the sister/brother-in-law be that they have had "control" over your girlfriend for may years? You mentioned that she suffers from depression and social anxiety. Has she been leaning on them for support, and allowing them to control how she lives her life, believing that they know what's best for her?

If so, they may be boycotting the wedding as a means to keep that control, while she is afraid to go against their wishes as she would then lose the support she has come to rely on.

Whether this is the case (or maybe even part of it), those who attend a wedding are traditionally there to show support for the union. Hence the reason why the bride's guests sit on one side while the groom's on the other. With today's weddings, many couples will have family sit on both sides. This helps "equal" the balance when one has a large family and the other a small family.

Also, maybe a small intimate wedding (a few friends as attendants or witnesses?), and a large reception where all family and friends can share in your happiness?

[frangipanis]

I have given her alot of time... and I've been there for her, but that last time she saw my family was when we got engaged, a lil over 2 months ago... and before that, the last time she saw them was in Dec last year... she really has no intention of getting to know my family or be comfortable with them... she just doesn't like them, in the same way her brother and his wife don't like me. There is no real reason why, they just don't.

Family is very important to me...

Ouch. Are you sure she doesn't like them? I thought it was because she felt insecure.

[BlackVY]

Hi, Just want to add a thought here.

Could the problem with the sister/brother-in-law be that they have had "control" over your girlfriend for may years? You mentioned that she suffers from depression and social anxiety. Has she been leaning on them for support, and allowing them to control how she lives her life, believing that they know what's best for her??

If so, they may be boycotting the wedding as a means to keep that control, while she is afraid to go against their wishes as she would then lose the support she has come to rely on.

Whether or not this is the case (or maybe even part of it), those who attend a wedding are traditionally there to show support for the union. Hence the reason why the bride's guests sit on one side while the groom's on the other. With today's weddings, many couples will have family sit on both sides. This helps "equal" the balance when one has a large family and the other a small family.

Also, maybe a small intimate wedding (a few friends as attendants or witnesses?), and a large reception where all family and friends can share in your happiness??

Interesting thought... but no... she never relies on her brother and sister-in-law... in fact they are half the problem why she feels so bad... she is the emotional type and when things are hard, she cries, but her brother is not like that, he never shows any emotion and just does whateva it takes... the sister-in-law is not like that, but she does put my fiancé down when she doesn't do something, or undermine her about her job or why she is not coping and stuff... so all that is not good... they are not going to come to a wedding if we have one because they don't like me, simple as that

I do know that a wedding is attended by people who support the union... but from her side, it would be her mum and one friend she has... that's pretty much it... she doesn't have any other friends, she has no other family in the country and that's it... she will have a max of 10 guests coming from her side, 8 of them would be her mum's friends, not hers... it will be very uneven and she feels bad and humiliated that people will ask her why she doesn't have more people there and stuff. She doesn't even have a bridesmaid

Even a small wedding with a large reception doesn't make a diff to her, because she still will see she has no one there for her... it all just makes her feel bad and I can't stand it... after all the fights I've had with her about this and all the things I've heard her say, I don't even think there is going to be a relationship here anymore, let alone a wedding... :(

[BlackVY]

ouch. Are you sure she doesn't like them? I thought it was because she felt insecure.

Well her insecurities make her not like them and not want to be around them. She says my mum is sweet and stuff, but she won't talk to them, because apprently everythign they say just puts her down and makes her feel bad... she just doesn't feel comfortable around them and now she has come to the conclusion they are not good people, so yeah, she doesn't like them now... and she says she will be happiest if she neva sees them again...

[frangipanis]

She really is a loner and insecure, isn't she. Without understanding it herself, I imagine she's been experiencing a mixture of culture shock in not understanding your cultural differences including your family, and uncertainty about herself... although that's probably just stating the obvious. You'll need a lot of patience and understanding to help make your relationship work. She has to be willing to do her bit too though, so let her know you hope to see her make some effort in understanding you better.

[BlackVY]

Yeah she is a loner and very insecure... I don't know if it's the culture shock, because she has liked the indian culture and stuff for about 6 years now and she is into the music and movies and stuff even more than I am, because I admit I am not as indian as most indians are, being brought up in singapore... but yeah, I've been trying hard and done everything I possibly can to make this work... she doesn't seem to be doing her bit because she says its too hard and just gives up, so I don't see this working out... and that's scary

[frangipanis]

Okay, so she isn't finding the cultural differences a problem... you might need to ask her to take some time out to be clear about what she wants from you, since it isn't fair on you to be feeling the way you are when she only recently accepted your proposal.

[BlackVY]

okay, so she isn't finding the cultural differences a problem..... you might need to ask her to take some time out to be clear about what she wants from you, since it isn't fair on you to be feeling the way you are when she only recently accepted your proposal.

Yeah... I told her to take time out, but she said if she doesn't do it soon, she never will, because the more she thinks abuot it, the more anxious she gets... and that's bad...

She says she accepted the proposal thinking she could do it, but now she doesn't think she can... so that's why she is like this now... I don't know what to do... I feel like such a loser... so lost... and I don't know what to do about anything...

[JudyKayTee]

yeah... i told her to take time out, but she said if she doesn't do it soon, she never will, coz the more she thinks abuot it, the more anxious she gets... and thats bad...

she says she accepted the proposal thinking she could do it, but now she doesn't think she can... so thats why she is like this now... i don't know what to do... i feel like such a loser... so lost... and i don't know what to do about anything...

I she can't "do it" then I think the choice has been made for you.

And you aren't the loser here.

[BlackVY]

I she can't "do it" then I think the choice has been made for you.

And you aren't the loser here.

Well my friends and family know how much I love her and how much I want to be with her... if it doesn't happen, it'll make me look like a fool... I don't know what to do... I know its best to call the whole thing off because she can't do it, but I do love her and she says she loves me... so I'm at a serious loss here... I'm stuck...

[face_reality]

Thats what I was thinking... that she thinks its all too much and now is using any excuse to get out of it or get away from me, which hurts alot. She agreed to marry me, and she says she loves me and whats to be with me, but then why isn't she doing the right thing... I guess I do have to face reality... :(

Hey you seem to be a sincere guy. You also love this lady dearly. However, please stop rationalizing with her. Making second third or forth excuse is not the answer. Have you stopped to think for once that she has lost interest in you. All I hear is you do everything for her -- you failed to be challenge to this girl. Two things I learned from my past dating experience is to be CHALLENGE and SELF CONTROL. In short

CHALLENGE = using the word NO (meaning standing up for yourself), No respect means no love. Get it!

SELF CONTROL = STOP BEGGING and POURING YOUR HEART TO HER ALL THE TIME -- it a turn off to anyone.

NOW you're little too late for the game. I will be honest with you, if you stay with her you're just up for more beating (meaning emotional) so leave now. Otherwise, you will end up with pain.

[BlackVY]

Hey you seem to be a sincere guy. You also love this lady dearly. However, please stop rationalizing with her. Making second third or forth excuse is not the answer. Have you stoped to think for once that she has lost interest in you. All I hear is you do everything for her -- you failed to be challenge to this girl. Two things I learned from my past dating exprience is to be CHALLENGE and SELF CONTROL. In short

CHALLENGE = using the word NO (meaning standing up for yourself), No respect means no love. get it!

SELF CONTROL = STOP BEGGING and POURING YOUR HEART TO HER ALL THE TIME -- it a turn off to anyone.

NOW you're little too late for the game. I will be honest with you, if you stay with her you're just up for more beating (meaning emotional) so leave now. otherwise, you will end up with pain.

Hmmm I see... thanks... brutal but honest...

[frangipanis]

yeah... i told her to take time out, but she said if she doesn't do it soon, she never will, coz the more she thinks abuot it, the more anxious she gets... and thats bad...

she says she accepted the proposal thinking she could do it, but now she doesn't think she can... so thats why she is like this now... i don't know what to do... i feel like such a loser... so lost... and i don't know what to do about anything...

You know, I would be kind of insulted if I were you and would let her know that. That doesn't make you a loser.

[BlackVY]

You know, I would be kind of insulted if I were you and would let her know that. That doesn't make you a loser.

Yeah.. well, I'm really insulted by this.. because I've stood up for her so much, done a lot for her and she still treats me like this and is now saying she is going to leave me because she can't go through with it... this is totally insane... she honestly doesn't care about me and how I feel about all this, its all about her, as its usually been...

[frangipanis]

Yeah.. well, I'm really insulted by this.. coz I've stood up for her so much, done alot for her and she still treats me like this and is now saying she is gonna leave me coz she can't go through with it... this is totally insane... she honestly doesn't care about me and how I feel about all this, its all about her, as its usually been...

Yep, it can't be about one person all the time. She really isn't ready for marriage right now whereas you have a lot to give. I'm sure your friends will understand and be supportive.

[BlackVY]

yep, it can't be about one person all the time. She really isn't ready for marriage right now whereas you have a lot to give. I'm sure your friends will understand and be supportive.

Thanks... yeah... I just ended it with her... this is the hardest thing I've eva had to do and it hurts like crazy, but it just wouldn't work. I do feel like such a fool, like I was the one who was too hard to be with. Yeah people will understand and support me, but I still feel like I'm worthless. Nothing more I can do I guess... here is where the No Contact comes in... man this is going to kill... :( :( :(