[BlackVY]

Wow... I keep asking so many questions on this site... I must seem like such a loser... Anyway, here goes... Sorry for the essay...


I've been dating my girl for almost 2 years and I proposed to her about 2 months ago and we are planning to get married in March. Problem is she tells me she has never been the marriage type, not something she ever wanted because she didn't grow up with a father or a strong male figure in her life, had bad relationships before and thought she'd never find the right man... till I came along...

Ok, so she she said would marry me, because we are both Christians and it's the only way we can be together properly, but it'd be hard for her. Now she has a small family, just her mother, her brother and his wife. I have a much larger family and a church, so lots of people to invite, which makes her feel bad, because she has less than 10 people there while I'll have about 80. But again she said she will just deal with it and try her best to get through the day.

Her family has had problems with her for some time, they think I am not good for her, but they have no proof or evidence of anything. They just don't like me, but its not her whole family. Her mother, who sees me all the time when I go over to their house, knows me and knows I'm good, and she is happy about the wedding, but the brother and his wife don't like me and have not seen me. They don't know anything about me, but just don't like me. I can live with that, because it doesn't effect me directly. People who don't know me can hate me as much as they want. I don't care about that.

But now the issue is that my fiancé was going to ask her brother to walk her down the isle, because she has no other male relatives, and she was going to ask her sister-in-law to be the bridesmaid, and they both agreed to this when they first found out about the wedding. So I started organizing the reception and stuff, and I have to go put a deposit on a place tomorrow.

This is where it gets bad. My fiance's mum was talking to her last night and she said she asked the brother and his wife if they were coming to the wedding, and they said they don't think so!

This is horrible! Now my fiancé will have nobody to walk her down the isle, no bridesmaid and pretty much the only family she will have at the wedding is her mother! I couldn't believe her brother and his wife would be so cruel to do this to her. I don't care if they hated me, but at least they could have been there for her, but they are not, and now my fiancé doesn't want the wedding at all.

I can't believe this is happening and I am so lost and hurt. I just want to be with her so much, but getting married is the only way. Just because her brother and his wife are being such horrible people, I can't be with the woman I love. That's insane. She won't have a wedding because she doesn't want to be surrounded by strangers(people I know) on her wedding day.

Only other thing we could do is have a small wedding, just my family and her mother, which is not really what I want either. A wedding is meant to be a happy occasion, a celebration, and this is not how it should be done. It shouldn't be a small and sad day just because the brother and his wife want to be like this.

I worry too about the life after are married, because I will be upset at the way things are and how her family have treated me and ruined what should be one of the best days of our lives. I doubt I would be able to truly forgive them for it, and I know they won't care either way.


So I guess the question I'm asking right now is what should I do? Both my and my fiancé don't know what to do, we don't know anything anymore, and are both really hurt by all this. I still want to be with her, and she wants to be with me, but how do we do this? I just feel so numb right now... :( :( :(

[JudyKayTee]

This is not where I usually hang out BUT - it's about the marriage, the vows, not about the party. If she is backing out because of her family's reaction (and I have no idea why they are reacting in this way) I think you would be getting yourself into a very bad marriage. I don't understand the whole "surrounded by strangers" idea.

I say either get married now and celebrate later or skip the whole thing until she grows up.

There's something about getting married, looking into each other's eyes, when it's for YOUR benefit, not for the benefit of friends and family.

[BlackVY]

Thanks for that...

Well she is 27 and I'm 24... but I'm a mature 24 year old... anyway, I think we have both grown up and stuff, so yeah...

Surrounded by strangers is because she has quite bad depression and social anxiety. She is going to counseling for it and stuff, but she has always been like this due to a low self-esteem.

Her family just think I'm a bad guy, as they have done with every other person she has ever dated. They are just like that and I don't deserve it, but I cannot change people, so I just leave it. Why worry about someone hating me when they don't even know me.

I guess you are right, that its about the vows and not the party. We could celebrate it another time, and yeah, its for us, not family and friends, but because I am of Indian decent, and I'm the first born, only son, my parents want to have a big thing and its very hard to talk them out of it.

This is turning out to be a disaster... :(

[Justwantfair]

I think your fiancé needs to talk to her brother and sister in law directly. Not that her mother isn't reliable but there is apparently some confusion and I would verify first with them both that their intent is not to be there for her big day. If they had agreed to positions of such importance why would they be stating they won't attend now. Maybe it was all miscommunication.

[BlackVY]

I think your fiance needs to talk to her brother and sister in law directly. Not that her mother isn't reliable but there is apparently some confusion and I would verify first with them both that their intent is not to be there for her big day. If they had agreed to positions of such importance why would they be stating they won't attend now. Maybe it was all miscommunication.

No chance the brother and his wife will see me. I guess its kind of hard to understand, but they won't ever see me. They met me once, in Jan last year, and not since then. I didn't act badly or anything, but they just don't like me and there is no reason why. They don't even know why.

They didn't really agree to anything 2 months ago, but when my fiancé told them about the wedding, they were cool with it, said they would come and give a cookbook or something as a wedding present, but then recently, this week, when asked about it and if they would play a role in the wedding, they said probably not. Horrid people...

So unfortunately talking to them is out of the question, and I know for a fact they will never change their minds, after all, how do u convince someone you are not a bad person when they already think you are when they don't even know you...

[Justwantfair]

Well I really don't understand not talking with them, if she means the world to you and this is important to her, I would think the best solution given the circumstances is talk to them and tell them about how they are hurting your fiancé. These are people that will be in your life for a long time if you plan on marrying this woman. If they have no reason, give them reason to like, accept and get to know you.

[iloveshane]

Why not just get married in a court house... my ex fiancé and I almost did that until he lied to me and I broke it off...

[JudyKayTee]

I guess you are right, that its about the vows and not the party. We could celebrate it another time, and yeah, its for us, not family and friends, but because I am of Indian decent, and I'm the first born, only son, my parents want to have a big thing and its very hard to talk them out of it.

This is turning out to be a disaster... :(

What a painful situation all the way around - I didn't realize there was a cultural angle to this.

Can you talk to your fiancé about this? Does she know why her family dislikes you?

Maybe is she established in a career and you are not?

[BlackVY]

What a painful situation all the way around - I didn't realize there was a cultural angle to this.

Can you talk to your fiance about this? Does she know why her family dislikes you?

Maybe is she established in a career and you are not?

Yeah... a very painful situation... and yeah, there is culture involved... considering I'm of Indian decent and she is a white girl...

I can't talk to her about this, because it just makes her angry and she doesn't want a wedding, she has pretty much given up on her brother and his wife after trying to convince them I'm not a bad person so much... she doesn't know why they don't like me either, but they just hate me...

I really don't think it's the career thing... because I've been working fulltime for 3 years now, as a successful software engineer, I have a house, a car and if there was a wedding, I'd be paying for it all on my own... she works part time and is still trying to study, has no savings, and I've been helping her out with money for more than a year now because she doesn't earn enough to survive...

[BlackVY]

why not just get married in a court house...my ex fiance and i almost did that until he lied to me and i broke it off...

Hmmm being Indian, there is the respect thing... where I have to respect my family and stuff too... and being Christian, even after being married in a courthouse, I'm thinking there is still a need for a commitment ceremony at least, in a church, so we are married in the eyes of God... plus... I just want it to be the best day. I love this girl, and I don't want either of us to go through life with a regret that our wedding day was so horrible, or just sad...

[JudyKayTee]

Yeah... a very painful situation... and yeah, there is culture involved... considering I'm of Indian decent and she is a white girl...

I can't talk to her about this, coz it just makes her angry and she doesn't want a wedding, she has pretty much given up on her brother and his wife after trying to convince them I'm not a bad person so much... she doesn't know why they don't like me either, but they just hate me...

I really don't think its the career thing... coz I've been working fulltime for 3 years now, as a successful software engineer, I have a house, a car and if there was a wedding, I'd be paying for it all on my own... she works part time and is still trying to study, has no savings, and I've been helping her out with money for more than a year now coz she doesn't earn enough to survive...

As painful as this is to say, I'm sure you recognize that the problem could very well be the different cultures. My husband and I were different religions - at one time everybody cared about it except us.

It's a painful realization that you aren't being judged on you. You're being judged on some preconceived, unfair, stereotype. I don't know how you get around that other than explain it to your family. It's hurtful and painful but if you love her and she loves you, well, everybody has to sort of suck it up a little and look at what is best and most comfortable for the two of you.

Your poor mother!

I feel so bad for you and wish I had magic words!

[BlackVY]

As painful as this is to say, I'm sure you recognize that the problem could very well be the different cultures. My husband and I were different religions - at one time everybody cared about it except us.

It's a painful realization that you aren't being judged on you. You're being judged on some preconceived, unfair, stereotype. I don't know how you get around that other than explain it to your family. It's hurtful and painful but if you love her and she loves you, well, everybody has to sort of suck it up a little and look at what is best and most comfortable for the two of you.

Your poor mother!

I feel so bad for you and wish I had magic words!

Thanks... yeah I do feel bad for my mother too... and it does hurt a lot.

I don't know if it is the cultural thing, but it could be. They just don't think I'm good, but they didn't have such a problem when my fiancé was with a white guy, and even when they broke up, that guy still kept in touch with their family, but not me. I'm not even allowed to their family functions and stuff.

I really don't see them accepting me and getting to know me, and now my fiancé doesn't want a wedding at all. She is thinking the courthouse marriage is the way to go, but like you said, these people who hate me will be related to me then and I don't know how to handle that, knowing these people have wronged me in a big way and I don't deserve it.

My family likes my fiancé a lot, but because of her social anxiety and stuff, she doesn't want to be around them and they keep asking me why, and so I cracked one day and told them that she is not comfortable around them and has this depression and stuff... eventually I told her I told them and she hates the wedding day even more now because I've humiliated her in front of my family by telling them why she won't see them, but I don't get it, I didn't want to lie. I just told the truth.

I'm so stuck!

[liz28]

BlackVY, your not a loser for asking questions to get another person point of view. I glad that you met someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with and this girl wants to do the same for you. It's just sad to hear about the family situation.

I can relate to the both of you. Your fiancée must really be stuck between a hard place and a rock. I once went to a wedding where the bride didn't have no one to walk her down the aisle. What she did was instead of having the bridesmaids and grooms walk down the aisle together, only the braidesmaids walk the aisle alone follow by her. The weding was beautiful and I know it killed her to walk down the aisle alone but she did it.

Your fiancée is hurt right now and if anything the wedding might have to be put on hold but I don't think her brother would ever come around and she might have to accept that and not let the brother control or life or happiness. Sometimes family can be a barrier but at least she has her mother. Also, when your do tie knot the brother still might not come around but I think if he loved her he wouldn't act so childish and selfish.


What exactly is your fiancée saying about everything?

[BlackVY]

BlackVY, your not a loser for asking questions to get another person point of view. I glad that you met someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with and this girl wants to do the same for you. It's just sad to hear about the family situation.

I can relate to the both of you. Your fiancee must really be stuck between a hard place and a rock. I once went to a wedding where the bride didn't have no one to walk her down the aisle. What she did was instead of having the bridesmaids and grooms walk down the aisle together, only the braidesmaids walk the aisle alone follow by her. The weding was beautiful and I know it killed her to walk down the aisle alone but she did it.

Your fiancee is hurt right now and if anything the wedding might have to be put on hold but I don't think her brother would ever come around and she might have to accept that and not let the brother control or life or happiness. Sometimes family can be a barrier but at least she has her mother. Also, when your do tie knot the brother still might not come around but I think if he loved her he wouldn't act so childish and selfish.


What exactly is your fiancee saying about everything?

See, If my fiancé was stronger in herself and wasn't depressed and feeling so bad about herself, I think she would be able to do it like the wedding you went to. Yeah it would kill her, but in her current state, she won't do it at all and that's it.

I don't mind putting the wedding on hold, but my fiancé doesn't want that either, because the more she thinks about the situation and the wedding, the more anxious she gets, so it's a lose lose situation for me...

Her brother is not a kid. He is in his mid 30s... and believed he is a very strong christian, to the point he stopped his whole family including my fiancé from going to church because he thought the church wasn't christian enough.

Fiancé is very hurt by all this and doesn't know what to do. She wants to be with me, but just can't bring herself to do it because its too hard for her.

[liz28]

[QUOTE=BlackVY;1409583]
I really don't see them accepting me and getting to know me, and now my fiancé doesn't want a wedding at all. She is thinking the courthouse marriage is the way to go, but like you said, these people who hate me will be related to me then and I don't know how to handle that, knowing these people have wronged me in a big way and I don't deserve it.

At this point the only things that matter is your fiancée. She still loves you and want to marry you. That takes strength even though she knows how her family feels.

I know you want a church wedding but at this time it shouldn't matter where you two get married. Your can still have a reception and maybe in the future you two can have a big wedding. I should your family would understand.

I know how it feels to have your partner family not like you. I am in an interracial relationship and some members don't like me due to my race, and I know who they are, but I don't care because I am not marring them. The only person who opinon count is my fiancé and to be honest almost everyone from my family loves him except for one of my cousin but again who cares. Maybe one day her family would come around and if they don't then it's there lost.

Also, I can understand why she would feel a little shy about going around your family especially with the information you share about her going around them. It shows that your close with your family but my fiancé did the same to me one time and at one time I felt funny going around his family because he told them how I felt about sister in law not liking me. Then I receive a call out the blue from his mother telling me come over and never mind his sister in law. Do your mother talk to your fiancée because maybe she can speak to her because after I spoke to my future mother in law I felt better.

[BlackVY]

Thanks for that...

You are right... I should feel good that she wants to marry me despite this family issue, but now she is doubting it. All this is just playing on her mind and her family is making things way worse.

Its nice to know that you understand things, and it does sound like you were in a similar situation, but I doubt you had the social anxiety, low self-esteem and depression my fiancé has which makes it hard for her to do anything.

My mum and family has always been nice to her and they want to get to know her better, but she doesn't want to, because she just feels bad around them, even before I told them anything. Its always been hard for her to see my family or even my friends. She doesn't even have friends of her own... it is a very sad situation..

[liz28]

If she wants help she can always get it by seeing a counselor to help work on her issues. That could benefit her a lot because she needs confidence and self-esteem. Once she has that everything else would fall into place and it would help her social life too. Have she ever discuss going to a counselor. Also, self-help books would help too.

[BlackVY]

She's been reading lots and lots of books, but they don't help her.

I have told her to see a counselor, but that costs money which she doesn't have. Told her I'd pay for it, but that makes her feel even more of a loser.

She knows she needs counseling, but admitting that kills her, and hearing me say it to her makes her hate me, because she says I'm putting her down... but I'm not.. I'm just telling the truth...

[face_reality]

Dude. Let me break it down for you. This girl is having doubts about you. She really loved you and really was crazy about you, she would not care about what others say or do -- like her brother, mother , the mayor and the president etc... Think about it, She is going to live with you not with her brother. Her next step is.. she is going to leave you. Save yourself! Face reality.

[frangipanis]

She's very lucky to have you and I agree with all the advice and words of encouragement you're receiving from others here.

As I was in a similar position to your fiancé when I was around her age (many yonks ago) with a gorgeous Sri Lankan boyfriend, don't be too hurt or surprised if she suddenly finds she can't handle any of it and goes in an entirely different direction. As much as I loved his immediate family and incredible curries, being an introvert, I found the endless family gatherings and gossiping a bit much in the end. Other kinds of women would love it though... I know of a woman medical intern married to an Indian (successful like you) who absolutely adores him and their family.

If you both still want to get married more than anything else, you might have to accept that she comes before your family...