[ZoeMarie]

If you're looking for new ideas, you don't have to watch porn. You could buy a book. I've seen them at Borders. I'm sure you could find them at other book stores too. Just an idea. =)

[BlackVY]

See I understand in a way. Due to your low self-esteem and lack of confidence in yourself, you tend to think others are better than you. You are not worried about your boyfriend cheating, but you do worry about other woman being better than you. The problem with porn is that these woman are very unrealistic, very made up and fake. Its all about acting with them.

See, I'm a guy, and I know about porn stuff, obviously, and once, my girlfriend told me she'd like to watch porn with me one day. That was a weird statement for her to say, because she has a very low self-esteem too, doesn't think much of herself and always comments on her physical appearance and compares herself to others, so if she saw some fake actress in a porno, she's feel worse about herself.

In the same way, if a guy is not ultra confident in himself, watching porn with his girl would be a little hard for him, because then he might compare himself with the guy in the porno, like body or ummm... size. But again, these guys ain't all real either. They are enhanced, but if the girlfriend is enjoying watching these guys and then she compares the guy on the porno to the guy next to her, it makes her boyfriend feel bad.

I guess if you are anything like me, on a sun-conscious level, you still don't feel like you match up to these people, and if your partner enjoys watching the people on TV, people you can't compare to, it makes you feel bad that you are not like them.

[anxious_RN]

I'm glad you understand exactly how I'm feeling! When your girlfriend asked you to watch porn.. did you do it? Since you said she has low confidence did it make it worse? Or anything in the relationship worse? Did she/you like watching porn together? Does she still like to, or did she not like it after the first time?

[BlackVY]

Well she mentioned it, but we didn't do it. I knew she wouldn't feel good about it, and neither would I really, so I just said "We'll see"... but I don't intend to watch it with her till she feels better about herself and I do too.

I know it'll take a long time till she OK with herself, because though she is the most beautiful girl I've eva seen, honestly, she still gets scared when we are watching a normal movie, and the actress is in a bikini or something. She worries I like what I'm seeing on TV, but then I just tell her those people on TV do nothing for me, and she feels a little better because I'm being honest and telling her she is the only woman who does anything for me.

I guess to help yourself out here, you could sit down with your boyfriend and ask him what attracts him to porn so much. Does he like the way the women on there look, or what they do? If its looks, then you could be in trouble, because he has unrealistic expectations, but if he likes what they are doing, then you don't have to worry. To him, porn would be like the karmasutra, just a video instead of a book.

I recommend to spice things up, get ideas and positions and stuff from porn, ignore the way people look or what assets they have, because your boyfriend is wit you and he is crazy about what you have, and I'm sure he wouldn't trade you in for a pornstar anyday


PS: Take some pride in yourself because you are a beautiful woman. Your boyfriend knows that and knows how lucky he is.

PPS: Personally, I'm not a fan of thin girls who feel like they are going to snap in my arms. I prefer fit and healthy, not thin and bony, and I know a lot of guys agree with me. It's a fact

[anxious_RN]

Good point, but when you said to ask him what attracts him to porn so mcuh, its not really about that.He hasn't watched porn for 19 months since we have been together, and he's not the one who brought it up, it was me. He just said that if I want to to get more ideas, then it's a good idea and he will do it. Only if I feel comfortable. :)

[BlackVY]

Well that's very nice of him, giving you a choice. Obviously he ain't into it that much, like he is not crazy about it and you are more then enough for him. He gave it as a suggestion so you could have some ideas, so I guess that proves he ain't into the women in these videos, he is suggesting it to you guys for the ideas, positions, storylines and games you could play to keep it interesting. I guess in that case, one of the earlier posts could be useful, where you could get a book about it. It would have pictures and instructions, which is just as good as the video. Lol! How would you feel about a sex book or something, instead of a porn video?

[anxious_RN]

We have a karma sutra book, but I guess its just not the same for me as porn, lol. I think that porn would get us both going more.. which is what I want. Since we have been together for this long its kind of routine now. He doesn't really do all the same things he used to, he still is good in bed, its just not the same/interesting. So I think porn would really help, but this stupid voice telling me there's other beautiful naked women with better bodies/bigger boobs/more attractive and what the media shows girls should look like will be 'compteition' for me, and I don't like him looking at that. But I don't want to watch it by myself, I think it would be more intense I guess if we watched to together. But I don't know I'm just weird about it I guess. Ugh

[BlackVY]

Its perfectly understandable. I feel the same way. See, I'm an Indian guy and my girlfriend is a hot white girl, blonde hair, green eyes.

If I was to watch porn with her, how many medium build Indian guys are there in porn? I'd feel yuck knowing she is watching a tall white guy with rock hard abs, while she is with me. I'd feel like she is asking why I ain't like that.

Its true. Media does give us the idea that women are meant to be tall, leggy, big boobs, flat tummy perfect size 6s and stuff, but that's not reality. Just like media tells us that men should be big strong, 6pac guys. Maybe 10% of the population might be like that, but what about the rest of us then? Are we meant to strive for those unrealistic unattainable goals?

I don't think so. I believe, sometimes, that I'm made the way that I am for my girlfriend. Its hard for me to tell myself this, because of my low self-esteem and self image, but I tell myself my girl is what me, because of what I look like. If she wanted to be with a guy on TV or something, she'd look for a guy like that and wouldn't be with me at all.

I guess you could tell yourself something along the same lines, what your man is with you for who you are and he is crazy about the way you look. You turn him on in a way no one else could. I guess the hard part is making yourself believe that.

Another thing though, I do understand things can get kind of repetitive and routine in the bedroom. I know it could get to the point where you do it just for the sake of doing it, but your not really into it. The fire may have gone out. What I suggest is you find out some stuff on the net, or if you really feel like it, watch a little, just a very little bit of porn for yourself, not for the people in it, but for the ideas of how you can surprise you man or spice things up. I personally don't think porn has much ideas or story lines for couples to use to spice things up in the bedroom, but I have some ideas of what could help.

[anxious_RN]

Thank you

[BlackVY]

thank you

No worries... if you need anymore advice on this topic, drop me a line, since my girlfriend is gorgeous but has a low self-esteem, I think I understand how you feel, how your boyfriend would feel and think, and I could help... good luck... peace :)

[anxious_RN]

Plus I feel like all the time porn is all about the girls, even if it is a girl in the guy. It always focuses on the girl and her boobs and vagina and face and her moanings. WHY? Why can't it be a fair share so I don't feel like I'm inviting my guy to get off on this girl on TV, everything focuses on the girl. I hate it.

[BlackVY]

Hmm true.. I agree with this point, it is mostly about the girl... but then again, think about the target audience... lol!

A guy wouldn't really want to see a lot of a guy, because that makes it gay... but I do understand, a girl would feel bad watching these porn actresses...

All I can suggest is that you try to ignore the faces or bodies of both parties in the pornos and just get ideas about themes, storylines and positions. I'm sure you could think of these things on your own anyway, or even ask your boyfriend. Sure he'd have ideas of his own too, and you could come up with way better stuff that any porno could, because it'd be personal to you guys

[Synnen]

There actually IS porn out there that's directed BY women, FOR women. I can't remember who the publishing house is, but it does exist.

The thing is---guys are waaaaaaay more visual than women. Most women I talk to say that it's almost all mental with them, and most guys go with the visual. It's just different ways of looking at things, and I'm not trying to stereotype--I know plenty of women that do the visual thing, and guys that do the mental, but it's just different wiring for different people.

Personally, I'll take good erotica (like Anais Nin) over a porn any day, but I still like watching porn with the hubby. He'd rather watch porn, but will read erotica on my suggestions to "get into my brain" on sexy ideas.

[SimpleguyJoe]

Well you have to look at the age difference Anxious_RN, he is 25 your 19 of course he has seen and done his fair share. Just don't let it get to you, he is YOURS and I'm sure your learning things from him so its only a matter of time until you figure things out on your own. Like others have said there are plenty of ways you can get ideas to spice things up. Go look at some porn yourself read a sex book or any combination of things.

About your boyfriend and porn it's all fantasy... Kind of like when you get into a group of all your girlfriends what do you talk about? Guys, the hot waiter, the guy who just walked by? Maybe this does mean things do need spicing up, but if you don't have any reason to fear him leaving you and going to "explore" other girls then what's it matter? This is just an insecurity that will either make him angry or push him away unless you can find a way to deal with it or just join him. Maybe he never outgrew masturbation, some guys don't even after they get into sexual relationships. But that facts are he does do it and you don't like it. But stop thinking of the problems and think of the solutions!

As for the strip clubs has he been going a lot even well into your relationship? I don't think it's very right to go when you have a ready and willing partner at home that could probably give you a better "show" but sometimes guys can get sucked into going by friends and not of their own will.

As for problems with your confidence think of it like this. You have had your BF for almost 2 years he has to be staying around for some reason right? Almost everyone has self image problems at some point in their lives so you really just have to accept things the way they are or strive to change them. Take this quote for example "Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly" What does this mean to you? To me it says that if you don't strive to constently TRY to better yourself and inch slowly towards self perfection then your not putting in any effort and without effort and goals and things to strive for things will slowly recede and get worse and worse.

So you have low self esteem? What are you doing to try and get over it and through it? Worried about your wheight then get to the gym. If you constantly improve yourself physically AND mentally you will NOT have confidence / self esteem issues.

[chocolat_hitman]

To address the RN.

I don't know if you really want to watch porn with your mate. I think you want to do something your mate wants to do. I think you want to get more creative in the bedroom and porn was a convenient choice. Spice-up your love life together. Just the 2 of you. It does neither of you any good to introduce strangers into your bed.

There are many things you can do to spice up your love life. Y'all can get a sex-position book and a journal. Go through it together, first with your eyes and when your up for it your bodies. Write sexual fantasies to one another. Be intimate with each other without intercourse. Have fun and get out of your routine.

( my two cents--------Someone said that porn wasn't real. Someone else said they are just movies. I disagree. People in porn are really having sex. People are really performing sexual acts on other people. People in the porn industry have a high rate of STDs. People in the porn industry have an unusually high rate of suicide. Porn is real. The movies that we see on the big screen/box office the sex scenes are rarely if ever real. There is a stark contrast between porn and major movie productions. )

[BlackVY]

To address the RN.

I don't know if you really want to watch porn with your mate. I think you want to do something your mate wants to do. I think you want to get more creative in the bedroom and porn was a convenient choice. Spice-up your love life together. Just the 2 of you. It does neither of you any good to introduce strangers into your bed.

There are many things you can do to spice up your love life. Y'all can get a sex-position book and a journal. Go through it together, first with your eyes and when your up for it your bodies. Write sexual fantasies to one another. Be intimate with each other without intercourse. Have fun and get out of your routine.

( my two cents--------Someone said that porn wasn't real. Someone else said they are just movies. I disagree. People in porn are really having sex. People are really performing sexual acts on other people. People in the porn industry have a high rate of STDs. People in the porn industry have an unusually high rate of suicide. Porn is real. The movies that we see on the big screen/box office the sex scenes are rarely if ever real. There is a stark contrast between porn and major movie productions. )

My one cent -----------> Yes the people in porn are really having sex, but its not really making love is it? They are doing their job and having intercourse. It is not out of love or because they feel something strong for each other and choose to be intimate. Therefore, their reactions to certain things may not always be accurate as they do not have the emotional connection with the person they are doing stuff with... this might result in the unfortunately high rate of suicide... just my opinion

[anxious_RN]

As for the strip clubs has he been going alot even well into your relationship? I dont think it's very right to go when you have a ready and willing partner at home that could probably give you a better "show" but sometimes guys can get sucked into going by friends and not of their own will.

Thank you for your response, joe. As for the strip clubs as mentioned above, he hasn't gone since we have been together.. I was just saying that since he has been to his fair share before we got together, I feel like I don't match up to those girls that he has seen. If he would have gone to a strip club when we were together I may have second-though our relationship as he knows that I don't like them and it is distrepectful to me to go to one, and I believe that in a committed relationship respect is important. But he hasn't gone since we were together. Thank you for your input!

[anxious_RN]

( my two cents--------Someone said that porn wasn't real. Someone else said they are just movies. I disagree. People in porn are really having sex. People are really performing sexual acts on other people. People in the porn industry have a high rate of STDs. People in the porn industry have an unusually high rate of suicide. Porn is real. The movies that we see on the big screen/box office the sex scenes are rarely if ever real. There is a stark contrast between porn and major movie productions. )

Good point hitman, that's a good thing to bring up when talking about porn (and also good point blackvy on rebuttling it). However, its real enough for me to know that my boyfriend will be having sex with me while staring down another naked woman in our own bedroom. Where's the respect in that?. ugh. Lol. Thank you for all of your responses everyone.

[SimpleguyJoe]

Thank you for your response, joe. as for the strip clubs as mentioned above, he hasn't gone since we have been together..I was just saying that since he has been to his fair share before we got together, I feel like I don't match up to those girls that he has seen. If he would have gone to a strip club when we were together I may have second-though our relationship as he knows that I don't like them and it is distrepectful to me to go to one, and I believe that in a committed relationship respect is important. But he hasn't gone since we were together. Thank you for your input!

Sorry for the misinterpretation... Mutral respect and honesty are key in relationships but so is FUN! Sometimes in relationships somebody just has to bite the bullet so to speak.

Also stop doughting yourself girl... There ARE better looking women out there than you. Just like there ARE better looking guys than myself. Your guy is sticking around for OTHER reasons than just looks. Being good looking helps in a sense but in REAL relationships it's just as much about your mental outlooks and projections as physical. You have the hand you were delt and you can change it slightly but for the most part you are what you are. So have some confidence and strut your aces and keep the low cards in the back of the deck so to speak.

[smoothy]

I'll second that. There are always better looking people... as well as far worse looking people... but except for a few "Shallow Hal" types its what's inside you that keeps them around... Your looks may have gotten their initial attention, but its your personality that keeps them.

Worrying about someone on a videotape isn't the way to go around enjoying life and what it has to offer. You don't worry about Female Hollywood movie stars... why worry about some two-bit porn star?