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JBeaucaire · Oct 13, 2008, 06:43 PM

My suggestion is a little more worldly. People build confidence through accomplishment. Purely complimenting people's looks is a loser in my opinion, since one REALLY mean comment from someone can completely undo all the progress you've made in THAT area.

No, better would be to help her accomplish something. Make something together, help someone together, help her create things in her life that are short and simple "wins" that you can both look at and say, "Look what you did." Awesome. "Look what we did" is OK, too, but not as effective.

Stuff like that is WAY more lasting than compliments on physicality. Is she skilled at anything you can mention? Can you think of some way she can share that skill in a quick meaningful way to someone? You know her better then we.

Is there something YOU'RE good at you can teach her? Something not overly complicated but satisfying when learned? Build/Fly kites? Paint a bedroom? Make a photo album?

Is there a charity that needs help accomplishing something? Serving in or leading by organizing short projects are always fulfilling.

You get the idea...

Bural21 · Oct 13, 2008, 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

My suggestion is a little more worldly. People build confidence through accomplishment. Purely complimenting people's looks is a loser in my opinion, since one REALLY mean comment from someone can completely undo all the progress you've made in THAT area.

No, better would be to help her accomplish something. Make something together, help someone together, help her create things in her life that are short and simple "wins" that you can both look at and say, "Look what you did." Awesome. "Look what we did" is OK, too, but not as effective.

Stuff like that is WAY more lasting than compliments on physicality. Is she skilled at anything you can mention? Can you think of some way she can share that skill in a quick meaningful way to someone? You know her better then we.

Is there something YOU'RE good at you can teach her? Something not overly complicated but satisfying when learned? Build/Fly kites? Paint a bedroom? Make a photo album?

Is there a charity that needs help accomplishing something? Serving in or leading by organizing short projects are always fulfilling.

You get the idea...

Not arguing with you, however I tried completing things... and it actually made me a little worse. And some self esteem is really just image. I developed bulimia because I thought I was fat and shortly after that was told I had anxiety... mentally, I think I'm a good person... and maybe his girlfriend is similar too. And it takes one heck of an a*shole to tell someone they look horrible - a person like that is only upset with their flaws. :) Once again not arguing your point. I do agree that helps for people who have low self esteem in many aspects.

JBeaucaire · Oct 13, 2008, 07:03 PM

Originally Posted by Bural21

Not arguing with you, however I tried completing things... and it actually made me a little worse. And some self esteem is really just image. I developed bulimia because I thought I was fat and shortly after that was told I had anxiety... mentally, I think I'm a good person... and maybe his girlfriend is similar too. And it takes one heck of an a*shole to tell someone they look horrible - a person like that is only upset with their flaws. :) Once again not arguing your point., I do agree that helps for people who have low self esteem in many aspects.

Understood. Thanks for the background comparison.

I admit it's no cureall, but so much bad self-esteem is directly caused by so much self-focus. Anything that interferes with that habit is good. Helping others always makes you feel good, and anytime that happens it's a win that can't be removed.

A lot to think about, for sure.

NItEMArE129 · Oct 14, 2008, 04:10 PM

I think that you both have valid points, and its more of a formula if you will. You need different parts to it or it will not work, so just focusing on little things or just focusing on big things might not cut it.

NItEMArE129 · Oct 22, 2008, 04:35 PM

Threads merged

Hey all, my girlfriend is a very talented actor. She also sings very well, and recently this has lead her to try out for a play which she made. The problem, however, is that, in a scene, she has to kiss another guy and is constantly flirting with him as though in a relationship. I can't stand the thought of watching her kiss another guy, and while I would be able to get over it, I'm worried that I'll overreact to her acting and take it for real and that she WANTS to kiss this other guy. So am I being too protective and jealous, or is my jealousy justified? And if I am being unreasonable, can anybody give me advice to how I can soothe my jealous side?

jrsg · Oct 22, 2008, 05:00 PM

You asked if you are being reasonable...
What do you even want her to do about this? What would you like to see happen?

And I'm sure this happens all the time. Your feelings are definitely understandable, and they are natural emotions to something like this.

NItEMArE129 · Oct 22, 2008, 05:02 PM

What I want is for her not to have to kiss this guy. But as this is unavoidable, I want to know how to, if not eliminate my jealousy, at least make it bearable.

JBeaucaire · Oct 22, 2008, 05:27 PM

Don't watch the play. Keep the stress to a minimum, keep the comments to yourself. A supportive boyfriends supports by thinking of her, not himself.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 22, 2008, 05:43 PM

Acting is acting, done all the time in plays, movies and TV throughout american. It is not sexual, and not a desire and there is no emotoinal connection.

So is what you are feeling normal, yes of course, I would not like it either but it is something you have to get used to.

neverme · Oct 23, 2008, 08:04 AM

How long have ye been together?

NItEMArE129 · Oct 23, 2008, 04:28 PM

We've been dating for almost 5 months now.

AWess · Oct 24, 2008, 10:40 AM

Make a joke out of it, not a big deal! Your girlfriend should know how you're feeling about it and should help you out of your insecurity. It's normal to feel that way, but you got to work on it.

And if ever that turns out to be more than a superficial kiss and flirting, well, you'll know you should move on. But I really don't think it will be necessary...

BlessdWitTalenT · Oct 25, 2008, 11:37 PM

I would have told my girl to drop out the play. I tell her all the time I don't even want her to touch other guys period. I get really jealous and I go crazy for stupid things sometimes. But in the end as long as she's not cheating on you, you should be fine with it after a while. Just set down your rules

411Help · Oct 25, 2008, 11:41 PM

Originally Posted by BlessdWitTalenT

i would have told my girl to drop out the play. i tell her all the time i dont even want her to touch other guys period. i get really jealous and i go crazy for stupid things sometimes. but in the end as long as shes not cheating on you, you should be fine with it after a while. just set down your rules

That jealousy of yours will cause your girlfriend to sprint towards the exit.

NItEMArE129 · Oct 26, 2008, 06:52 AM

Im not going to tell her to drop the play because I know how much she loves acting and this is her first lead. I just need to know a better way to deal with my jealousy because, yes, I am going to the play. So sorry JB but I can't go with your solution =[. Any other tips?

ISneezeFunny · Oct 26, 2008, 07:00 AM

The more you seem jealous and upset about this situation, the more she'll be inclined to leave you for this guy.

She's with YOU because she likes you. If you act nonchalant and cool about this, then you'll have become the bigger man and she may even be more attracted to you as you seem so confident in yourself about the relationship.

Be that whiny needy and jealous guy, and it shows off your bad side. Support her, go to the play, and make a joke or two (keep this at a minimum!) about it, then move on.

kitten420 · Oct 26, 2008, 07:33 AM

I wouldn't worry too much about her being in a play. Most likley its nothing emotional and she is just doing what she loves best and that is acting. Most likley you knew she loved to act when or before you got together. Just be there and support her. Let her do what she loves you can't act like this every time she has a kissing scene in a play. Your emotions are normal I'm sure... but you just need to know that she cares about you and the kiss means nothing. Its not like she is doing late night rehersals with the guy at his house. If that ever comes to action then I would start to worry. Until then trust her and know she is just doing what she loves to do and support her.

AWess · Oct 26, 2008, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by NItEMArE129

Im not gonna tell her to drop the play because I know how much she loves acting and this is her first lead. I just need to know a better way to deal with my jealousy because, yes, I am going to the play. So sorry JB but i can't go with your solution =[. Any other tips?

Okay, listen: you got to make a huge effort to not get extremely jealous while you're there at the play. If it might help, bring a good (guy) funny friend to be there with you and support you. Let him know you're freaking out about that kiss and he might be able to help you out a bit. And when the play is over, go see your girlfriend and do not emphasize that kiss, but be really cool about it and as I said, make a joke out of it. Let her know it was indeed something you had to deal with and conceal as much as possible, but also reassure her that you get it was part of the job (part of the play). And then kiss her the best way you can so she forgets the other one... :D I am sure she will be stressed out about the kiss and about the whole play, too and will need some reassurance.

Relax, you'll get over it if you make an effort to! And yes, your jealousy IS justified, but you got to work on it...

NItEMArE129 · Oct 26, 2008, 08:51 AM

Thanks AWess, and I know the perfect guy to bring there. Haha and what do you mean by concealing it?

ISneezeFunny · Oct 26, 2008, 10:25 AM

Concealing it... means even though you might be angry, push it down, and leave it alone. By the time the play is over, it's over and done with, right?