[ubersmith]

Hello everyone, I have been reading some posts here for quite some time while trying to figure out my course of action in my relationship (no longer a relationship). I have seen numerous posts about girlfriends needing space and time. One that particularly related to me is one from mattvit back in 2006 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...w-y-19605.html)

Here it goes,

I met this girl back when I was 18 (she was 17). It was love at first sight, best thing that ever happened to me in my life and I felt invincible around her. She had some issues with a boyfriend in the past which was actually quite important but I will not state it here. In any case, she lied to me 2 months into the relationship and when I was about to dump her, she asked me for a second chance which I gave her. Boy do I regret it.

Fast forward to 1 and a half weeks ago, (now 3 and a half years together) she says "good night baby, I love you" which is very usual however the next day, everything completely changed. She calls me to say that "she loves me but is not IN LOVE with me anymore". Sure, that is a cheesy breakup line but I was so obsessed by this girl that I could not even think about us being separated. She asked for space, being 'jealous and paranoid' I tried my hardest to but was unable to give her that space. I asked her for a second chance and she got even more distant (duh).

I kept talking to her (for a week) and things seemed to get better, the occasional "love" or "babe" slipped out of her mouth and I was thinking everything was getting back to normal and I just had to keep it the way it is for a little bit more. Then she completely changed, out of nowhere. Said she wanted me to forget her and to move on. That she didn't want to say yes or no for a chance in the future so I would not get false hopes and that it was over for right now. I know you guys don't want to hear what is coming up now but I am venting as this is still quite fresh. I had thoughts of suicide while in class and immediately took grasp of what was going on, left the class, went to the school's health center to talk to a psy and took care of that (I still go there regularly and I do feel much better).

Apparently, the passion, the lust, the attraction all went away (in 1 day?? ). I know you guys are going to say I SHOULD NOT HAVE CONTACTED HER FOR A WEEK. Well, I did and we can't go back in time. I just got my american citizenship so I called her and she was very happy, we talked for a good 15 minutes about how our day was going etc (that was yesterday).

I have gotten a lot of support from my friends and family which really helped me when I felt like crap (and I mean like complete crap... to the point of wanting to kill myself as stated above). Today, we talked and she acted like everything was fine... didn't sound sad or upset like she has been for the past 1 and a half week. She says that she just gets more and more irritated when we talk and we shouldn't talk for a month. I agreed (which is what I should have done from the start) and then stupidly asked her if she thought we would have a chance to be happy together if all goes well afterwards. She said NO. That she would need a lot of time to get over the jealousy issue. At this point, I was furious and told her fine, have a nice day, have a nice month, have a nice life, Bye! And hung up on her. Boy do I feel better having had the last word in this and turning the wheel around for once.

Now, before you guys say she is with another guy. She is not. Although we aren't together I still respect and love her although everything is out of my hands now. Apparently, my jealousy pushed her away and she needed time for school (goes to an ivy league school and almost has no free time at all... she doesn't go out either.. EVER) which I understand completely however I do not appreciate the way this was delivered to me and it hurt me a lot. Trust me, being the paranoid guy that I was around her I checked everything (never got over the lies she told me in the past... when I had a doubt of something, I ALWAYS found what I needed).

I am a bit confused, I just cannot understand how someone can go like that in just one day. She did say for over a year she has been trying to make me change (be less jealous) and she couldn't handle it anymore. It is very very hard to get over it, and until I had the last word I was not able to. Right now, I do feel much better and started meeting gals already :) I am not completely over it, it is still very fresh and as much as I try not to think about her, there are moments when I do and eventually gain hope that we will be back together some day. I try to do everything that you guys suggested in similar posts... work out, go out, meet other girls and this is like a rollercoaster... memories keep coming back all the time and I can't even imagine myself hooking up with another girl just yet.

At this point, I lost all hopes and am trying to move on. We haven't contacted each other since the last call this morning when I told her to have a nice life. I still love her and think I will always do. She was my first love and this is harder than I anticipated.

Sorry for the long story, I had to vent :) Any insights, opinions, comments would be appreciated.

[starbuck8]

I'm really sorry that you're hurting right now. Three and a half yrs is like a lifetime when you're young, and it's your first love, and long term relationship.

Yes, you probably shouldn't have said what you did in your last conversation with her, but she didn't change her mind in just "one" day hon. She just didn't tell you how she was feeling, which wasn't fair, and it was a matter of communication.

I think your jealousy played a big role by the sounds of it. Maybe she felt smothered, and felt like you just wouldn't let go of whatever it was that happened in her past relationship?. or maybe she couldn't?

In any case, you really can't make her feel the way that she used to. If she comes around and gets that feeling back, it will be her doing, and in her time, but you can't wait around to see if that happens.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to work on your jealousy issues, and keep yourself open to meeting new people. Maybe she'll even have a different view of you and your relationship, if you just get yourself out there and socialize. Again, don't do it for her, do it for you.

Also, you might want to appologise if you get the chance, for your attitude on the phone. But don't use that as an opportunity to just talk to her. It's only an opportunity to say you're sorry, and that's it.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll hear more from some of the guys around here. There is some good advice to be had!

[ubersmith]

Definitely feels like a lifetime. Since I never experienced such a thing before. The jealousy did play a big role and she did feel smothered. I started acting on it when she first warned me however she said it was "too late".

I am working as hard as I can on the jealousy issue. I am seeing a psy tomorrow to talk about this (She wanted me to do that a long time ago but hey, this opened my eyes and I'm doing it now).

I am always happy to meet new people, I am a very social person and make friends everywhere I go. Perhaps she will have a different view of me if I do get these issues worked out completely. The problem is I would not let go off what happened in that previous relationship because she lied to me about it. I told her numerous times that I would have no problems if she talked to me about it in the first place.

I took your advice and apologized. Not on the phone though as it is 4AM, but rather by sending her an email since she checks it every morning. I also thanked her in that email for opening my eyes on life and changing me as a person as well as to be better and successful in whatever she decides to do.

I really regret all of this and it is really hard, I am very sad just talking about it. I appreciate your comment, it means a lot to me.

[starbuck8]

I wish I could help you a little more, and you're welcome for anything I helped with. It's 2am here, and I need some sleep, but I'm sure there will be someone else around in no time to give you a little more advice and encouragement. Trust me, I do know what you are going through, and it's very hard. Just allow yourself to go through it.

Talk about everything with your pys tomorrow, and I hope that helps you some too. Get yourself some sleep dear. I know it's hard, but you need to do it right?

Best of luck with your appt tomorrow! :)

[cowboyjai]

I could have written that, to the way it ended, to the amount of time we were together for.

Fast forward to 1 and a half weeks ago, (now 3 and a half years together) she says "good night baby, I love you" which is very usual however the next day, everything completely changed. She calls me to say that "she loves me but is not IN LOVE with me anymore". Sure, that is a cheesy breakup line but I was so obsessed by this girl that I could not even think about us being separated. She asked for space, being 'jealous and paranoid' I tried my hardest to but was unable to give her that space. I asked her for a second chance and she got even more distant (duh).

This is basically key to show yourself to go no-contact. If you learn anything from this board, let it be this: contact at this point will bring you nothing but pain. The girl has said she does not want you. At best, she is still confused (this is still dangerous for you, because it will give you false hope). At worst, she does not want you. However, you must act as if it is the second one. Talking to her now will do nothing but bring you pain. You have to cut it out, stop it, stop yourself, and fall off the radar.

I kept talking to her (for a week) and things seemed to get better, the occasional "love" or "babe" slipped out of her mouth and I was thinking everything was getting back to normal and I just had to keep it the way it is for a little bit more. Then she completely changed, out of nowhere. Said she wanted me to forget her and to move on. That she didn't want to say yes or no for a chance in the future so I would not get false hopes and that it was over for right now.

This also happened to me, a few weeks fter my breakup, my ex got back in contact with me again and we hooked up. The words slipped just like they did with you. I thought she loved me again. It was hard, and she did not. A few days later she said, once again, she did not want to be with me. It set me back a lot, just how you feel now. That is when I decided it was OVER. No more contact, no more being messed around by a girl who did not even know what she wanted. That was it, I was done. That is what you need to tell yourself now. Yes, it will be hard, and you WILL have to deal with your emotions on a daily basis for some time. However, you are done. Tell yourself that. Anything you have to deal with now... this is it. You don't want to get back in contact with her, because you do not want or need any new stimulus from her. Anything fresh you get from her now is just more you will have to get over later.

I know you guys don't want to hear what is coming up now but I am venting as this is still quite fresh. I had thoughts of suicide while in class and immediately took grasp of what was going on, left the class, went to the school's health center to talk to a psy and took care of that (I still go there regularly and I do feel much better).

I respect you so much for this. I also had thoughts of suicide (I would not be able to go through with it, I have family that would be devastated, and ultimately I believe it would be a permanent answer to a temporary problem). However, that is not to say I have not thought about it, or been distressed by the ideas. The fact you went to a psych and talked about it is massive man. I've been telling myself if I still get the odd thought thinking about it within a month, I will do the same.

Apparently, the passion, the lust, the attraction all went away (in 1 day?? ). I know you guys are going to say I SHOULD NOT HAVE CONTACTED HER FOR A WEEK. Well, I did and we can't go back in time. I just got my american citizenship so I called her and she was very happy, we talked for a good 15 minutes about how our day was going etc (that was yesterday).

It is hard to accept things can change so much in one day. However I read here once something that opened my eyes: it did not change all in that one day. It changed over a period, but she never told you or communicated it. The signs were probably there, however, for whatever reason you (and me) did not see them. That was our mistake. HOWEVER, they (the girls) never told us about it. From what I'm reading, your ex never sat you down and honestly told you about the way she was feeling. This part is not your fault. It took two to mess things up in this relationship. Take solace in that. It's not all on you!

I have gotten a lot of support from my friends and family which really helped me when I felt like crap (and I mean like complete crap... to the point of wanting to kill myself as stated above). Today, we talked and she acted like everything was fine... didn't sound sad or upset like she has been for the past 1 and a half week. She says that she just gets more and more irritated when we talk and we shouldn't talk for a month. I agreed (which is what I should have done from the start) and then stupidly asked her if she thought we would have a chance to be happy together if all goes well afterwards. She said NO. That she would need a lot of time to get over the jealousy issue. At this point, I was furious and told her fine, have a nice day, have a nice month, have a nice life, Bye! And hung up on her. Boy do I feel better having had the last word in this and turning the wheel around for once.

Who knows what will work out in the future or what will happen? I did not see me and my ex hooking up again after she dumped me, but it did. Stranger things will happen in the world. However, you must prepare for the worst: she is not coming back. Once you accept that you can move on. However, HOW to accept it the hard thing. Every time you think about her, tell yourself, she is not coming back. Say it over and over, every time a thought about her comes up. She is not coming back.

Now, before you guys say she is with another guy. She is not. Although we aren't together I still respect and love her although everything is out of my hands now. Apparently, my jealousy pushed her away and she needed time for school (goes to an ivy league school and almost has no free time at all... she doesn't go out either.. EVER) which I understand completely however I do not appreciate the way this was delivered to me and it hurt me a lot. Trust me, being the paranoid guy that I was around her I checked everything (never got over the lies she told me in the past... when I had a doubt of something, I ALWAYS found what I needed).

Something I have learnt about women (I'm nowhere near an expert, but I have some experience) is that a lot of them are just like guys and are too scared to tell the truth. She could have broken up with you for one of many reasons. I won't go into them here, because the fact is, you'll probably never know the real one, also for a variety of reasons (she's too scared to say, hell, she might not even know). However, there is one good thing to come out of this - you can work on your jealousy. Go talk to the psych about it, see if they can help you overcome it. Become better man, become a better person. This is a good chance for that.

I am a bit confused, I just cannot understand how someone can go like that in just one day. She did say for over a year she has been trying to make me change (be less jealous) and she couldn't handle it anymore. It is very very hard to get over it, and until I had the last word I was not able to. Right now, I do feel much better and started meeting gals already :) I am not completely over it, it is still very fresh and as much as I try not to think about her, there are moments when I do and eventually gain hope that we will be back together some day. I try to do everything that you guys suggested in similar posts... work out, go out, meet other girls and this is like a rollercoaster... memories keep coming back all the time and I can't even imagine myself hooking up with another girl just yet.

Once again like I said this had probably been building up for a while. The memories are hard and they will keep coming for a while. One thing I can say is get the endorphins going, and pump the weights. The endorphins will fight off the negative emotions you are bound to experience here. You may think I'm being ridiculous, however, it is true. Start lifting, it WILL make you feel better.

At this point, I lost all hopes and am trying to move on. We haven't contacted each other since the last call this morning when I told her to have a nice life. I still love her and think I will always do. She was my first love and this is harder than I anticipated.

Sorry for the long story, I had to vent :) Any insights, opinions, comments would be appreciated.

Some closing thoughts: if she gets in contact with you from any time now, until maybe a few months later on (maybe longer later on) when you are 100%, entirely, and completely over her (having a new chick will help here), SHE IS GOING TO BRING YOU PAIN. I've been on this board for a while now and from what I've seen, ex's hardly ever hit you up and say "I'm sorry I want to make it work." It very rarely happens. However, what DOES happen is that ex's try to appear in our lives and **** with our stuff. They are usually confused, and they bring with them a lot of negative emotions that will drown you again and take you back to how you felt on the first day.

It is why I changed my phone number, and my emails. I know now that if my ex contacts me again, it will undoubtedly hurt me. You have to protect yourself. In this same vein, stay away from her myspace/facebook/any source of information about her. The past is the past and you can deal with it, you do not want any new information about her or what's going on in her life. Don't question this, just trust me and believe me. Your ex and everything about her is now emotional poison and you HAVE to treat it like that. Stay away for your own good.

[wikedjuggalo]

I agree especially with the stay away from myspace etc. My ex promptly after dating new said guy who she left me with has him all over her myspace just saying how much she just loves him etc. Yeah that stung but I took it with a grain of salt and say that's good she is happy with someone. I'll find my someone.

Basically Stay away from any crumbs of information man it will only hurt you.

[ubersmith]

Couldn't sleep at all last night. I haven't been eating at all either and lost a couple of pounds already. This is hard but the support I am getting from here, and from my friends and family makes it much easier.

I have a meeting with the psy in an hour, this is to talk about the relationship issues. He did say yesterday that I had a lot of things to look up to (high paying job offered to me, citizenship, etc). And once a door closes, another one opens.

Only way for me to feel better is to repeat to myself "things happen for a reason". My brother passed away a couple of years ago and I know he's up there protecting me. I just tell myself he wouldn't have let this happen if it wasn't for a reason.

Going to go hit the gym after the psych meeting, if it feels as good as you say I might just become addicted.

My brother went through the same thing 2 years back howeer he was engaged with the girl. He found a girl 100X better, and the ex came back to him saying she missed him and wanted him back... all he said to her was "well, too bad, you lost your chance".

I don't have access to Facebook anyway. And I always found it to be a tool for stalking which enhanced my jealousy and paranoia. Lucky for me, the password reset emails aren't getting sent to my gmail account so I take that as a sign.

Funny thing is while all of this happened in the past week, I read people saying "grow a backbone" on other threads and for some reason my backbone hurted for a couple of days, could hardly walk. Now the pain is gone... another sign? Thank you brother. :)

Turns out my mom called me and cried on the phone telling me she considered her as if she was her daughter and she was very sad. I don't want to go back to my parents house because my ex has a lot of stuff still there (shoes, PICTURES OF US ON A CRUISE, bathing suits, and all those sexy stuff) and it just hurts especially when that picture pops in front of me and I just feel bad throwing it out she gave it to me for valentines day :(

She told me a reason why she broke up is she doesn't want to hurt me anymore (I freaked out all those times she lied to me) and she gave me too much pain and she felt guilty about it. The other reason as mentioned before is the jealousy but that's being worked on.

I am afraid of seeing her with another guy... she always told me I was the one and she loved me and would not go with anyone for a long time. Argh.

[pbc12]

They all say that, so it doesn't hurt your feelings and makes their guilt grow HUGE. Heck my ex started drinking a lot and I asked a few of my friends why and they said probably was guilt for what she's done or is doing. I said yesssss. Only to find out the guy from back home who was just a friend is more than JUST a friend. Cowboyjai is so very correct. No matter how much you want this back and look for signs of it happening. It's not going too, but the best thing is your breathing in and out and lived through it. You can actually gain from it with true experience knowing your faults and learning from them so that you can make yourself a better person.

Actually where you better off with all that jealousy burning you up inside? This has been a costly lesson for you, but through the pain you are going to find your pot of gold. A BETTER YOU. So the next person that you find or finds you will actually have a better guy and you will have a better relationship for it.

Trust me my last relationship I was willing to forget the pain, and the stains I saw and her telling me the truth when I went over ever other weekend to help out around her house. I would have never been happy, being the guy on the side winning someone over that wanted to test the waters. No way, I am way more than that, just as every person God puts on this earth.

So go to the gym, work it out. Oh and tell yourself while your working out that your not doing it for her but for you... Everything is for you... But have a good time. Meet other people and other women. If anything you will gain new friends from it all.

When you are trully strong enough and you will know it when you are you can look back or look at pics and remember all the things you liked and disliked and say wow. What an experience. Don't worry you won't be missed. Look at it this way, you touched someone's life in a positive way. It won't be forgotten.

Good luck in your new life and adventure.

[ubersmith]

Thank you, just got out of the psych's office after talking for a good hour with him.

I do feel better and not thinking about the ex at all since the phone conversation yesterday.

The problem with this girl is she doesn't have many fiends, doesn't go out, doesn't drink... works ALL THE TIME. I doubt she has another man and knowing her family, they would have told her to break it off a long time ago if it did happen. Not my problem anymore though, I got a couple girls coming over this weekend to hang out.

I touched her life, she touched mine. It won't be forgotten as you said, just made me stronger.

[Romefalls19]

Yep be thankful for the time you spent together, the experiences that you two shared and the things you learned from it. Use them to your advantage in your future life relationships as they can be applied to love and friendship.

[Chery]

Wow, no contact since this morning?? I think you need a lot longer than that to heal. Keep on seeing your therapist and find out why in the world you have to be jealous in the first place - and look for reasons to be right if and when you have any doubts.

The advice you've receive so far is from good people who really care, so stay with us - you are not alone..

She lied to you, OK, how long ago was that, and what did she lie about? Was it such a big deal that you had to hold it over her head for so long? We are all human and make mistakes, and I'm sure that you've made a few in the past too.

Being jealous and having to always have the last word, and then exploding when things are not working your way indicate that you have a personal problem that needs a lot of work, and meeting another girl at this point is not going to do you or the new girl any good. You will transfer your distrust on her and compare everything she does with your ex - don't be out looking for another girl to hurt - she does not deserve this.

Being alone might just be the best thing for you at present, so that you can get to learn a lot more about yourself and your tendencies to anger, mistrust, and thinking of suicide. There is a lot more to this than just this breakup, and I hope that you find the real root of your insecurities.

She tried and so did you, but somehow the routes of communication did not meet in the middle and she had enough. Give her the respect and let her find contentment in life, and work on yourself so that you can find the balance you need.

Good luck dear, and stay with us, we will do our best to help you in your healing process - no matter how much time it takes. And TIME is what is going to take to locate the real you, help you seek your goals and reach them and be at peace.

You are not alone, as you well know, so take one step at a time and continue to be honest with yourself and the therapist to find YOU. And, from now on, don't place another person in the center of your universe... share yourself with them, but never put them so high up - it's unfair to them to try to meet these expectations and unfair to you because you should not be looking up, you should be on equal terms all the way. I'm sure your brother would tell you the same and the he is somehow watching over you. Now, work on yourself and get rid of those suicidal urges - they are a weakness and we want you to regain your strength and self-respect.


Talk to you later,.



Box her stuff up and put it away until you are ready to have it returned to her somehow.

[ubersmith]

No contact since yesterday morning now... ;)

She didn't lie to me about one thing, but over the course of the 3 and a half years she lied about multiple things and personally, I could have gotten over it if she told me about it instead of lying. Those were not very important things and I look at it by the principle rather than the fact.

I'm just hanging out with girls because it makes me feel better, I love girls and have a lot of "girl friends (friends, not partners)".

Communication is key and we both failed to do so effectively in order to maintain the relationship. I haven't had a suicidal urge since last time when I took grasp of it and went straight to the psych's.

I got a reply for the email I sent her to apologize (that you recommended doing) and she thanked me for it, said she will never forget me and if she has a big problem she would let me know (she is alone in this country I was the only one there for her). I don't know if I should actually accept to answer her phone calls should she have an enormous problem. I am trying to move on and so far it is looking good, I worked out today and it helps me get rid of the negative chemicals in my brain (according to the psych) that can often lead to depression.

I will indeed stay here as the advice I received here is the best so far.

I am trying to work for myself, I have a lot to look forward to now with work, and I understand I need to work on myself before getting back into a relationship... I am just meeting girls and seeing what's out there right now. Perhaps a rebound?

[ubersmith]

A bit of an update here. Today, she messaged me (on msn... ) and told me she missed me and wanted to cry. I stayed cold but nice. She talked to me for a bit (again, I was cold but nice) and at the end she said "kiss baby". I don't know what to think anymore, this kind of confused me as I have been going out and living my life since.