[kaj675]

I met this guy on myspace around the middle of December. His picture on myspace looks like a totally different person that he does in real life. When I'm talking to him online he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. He takes me out to eat, buys me gifts, sends me flowers, the whole 9 yards. He invited me to his company Christmas party and then dinner and dancing afterwards. He's the sweetest man I've ever met and would do anything in the world for me. But in person he acts like he's remedial like as if he was in special ed classes. He has a good job at a manufacturing plant and makes twice as much money as me. He's 33 and recently divorced. Well I say recently it's been two years. When he moved back to this area he moved in with his mother and sister. Since then they both have lost their jobs leaving him stuck to pay all of the bills. They live in an upscale neighborhood way out of their means so paying all of the bills he's broke all the time. When he comes to my house his mother will call him 15 times in an hour's time wanting to know when he's coming home. She treats him like he's 10. I think this might have something to do with his remedial actions. He smokes and he has really horrible teeth and smoker's breath. One night after dancing instead of him driving home I told him he could crash at my place. I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go in the other room because his breath was so bad. I still didn't let that phase me because of how nice he is and how good he treats me. I hate to judge a book by it's cover. I took him to meet my mother. She immediately had a problem with the breath issue and never got past that. It bothers me too so I told him he needed to go to the dentist and have his teeth cleaned. He said that I was being judgemental and that I really hurt his feelings and has hardly spoken to me since then. I will call and he won't answer. I try to email him and see if he wants to go to a movie or something and he won't answer back. He deleted me off his myspace. Now all of a sudden after a month, he emails me and asks me out again. I tried to explain to him that I thought the world of him and that I wasn't being judgemental and I still wanted to be friends with him. Now he's acting like we're married. I just want to be his friend and nothing more. What do I do? How do I break it to him gently that I want nothing more than a friendship without hurting him again.

[kp2171]

Please don't work too hard on this relationship. He might have some good qualities, but he has several incompatible ones and you know this.

Dental health is important for more reasons than just issues with his breath... bad teeth contributes to bad health, potentially taking years off your life, increasing the risk of heart disease for ex. Refusal to seek help means he places priorities elsewhere... yes, dental work can be costly, esp if he doesn't have insurance. OK... I'm sorry, but as an adult I've always made work decisions that enable me to have proper health and dental coverage. If that meant I drove an older truck to throw the money toward healthcare, then OK.

The controlling mother will always be there... even with you as a friend. Sounds like the mother and sis are loafing, and he lets them. He needs to be stronger, but he isn't.

As for your question... how do you let him down easy? You tell him the exact truth.

You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be hurtful. You can say straight up that you like him as a friend, there isn't going to be anything else, you don't mind talking to him or hanging out now and then, and if that's not OK, then you don't care to fight about it.

I don't know. Part of me wants you to run away from this mess. He has some problems that you don't need to deal with or be involved with... but you are an adult and you choose your own way.

Maybe you can be friends. Maybe it'll be messy. Just don't spend a lot of time working on this relationship. Its good to have a variety of friends... but too much mental energy spent on him could perhaps be better used elsewhere.

So no pretense. Be straight up. Some things just don't click as far as more than friends go.

He might treat you fine... sounds like he's a bit of a "butler" to the women in his life. That might make some happy for a time... but my wife would go nuts if all I did was try to please her or appease her demands (like his mothers)... my partner wants to be treated respectfully, but also wanted a guy who had his own interests, friends, and a backbone.

What happened in the marriage that failed? Is it possible that she, like you, felt comfort in the efforts he made, but in time realized she needed more than a "butler"?

If I'm making incorrect assumptions, please correct me. I don't know the whole story.

[kaj675]

Well I'm not really making much effort, I mean I just don't like for anyone to be mad at me and by no means do I want to hurt anyone's feelings. I've been there, it's not fun at all. I love to go country dancing he can two step his butt off. That's really the only reason I want him around.

As you've posted on my other questions, you know that I'm always attracted to jackasses. My past few relationships have been interracial and there is no way in hell I'm going to get a black man to go two stepping with me. So I'm diverse in my friend selections. I hang out and can be friends with everyone, doesn't matter where I'm at. I just didn't know how to go about telling him without hurting his feelins.

[KD33]

I'm sorry but I don't think there is any actual way to tell someone like that if you just want to be friends without hurting him...

[kp2171]

as you've posted on my other questions, you know that i'm always attracted to jackasses.

Great line... as you know from my blunt answers and no BS posts, I'm perfectly capable of being a jackass.

The best way to not be a jerk is to be as honest as you can. Sure, it'll maybe upset him... but if that's true, then you know he isn't even close to being on the same page.

The reality is you like him cause he will dance with you. That's fine. Before I was married I was the guy whod go out with friends, drink a beer on the patio, and then while the boys talked about guns or motorcycles id go dance with their girlfriends. It worked out great. The girls didn't get bored, the boys didn't have to do anything but veg, and I got to drink beer and dance with girls. Win-win-win.

So taking a boy to kick around the sawdust is fine.

You just need to tell him the truth. If he can't handle it, be done.

You bent over backwards before for a guy... I don't want to see you put his feelings in front of yours. This is time for you to be self-centered a bit. You don't have to be mean... but don't feel bad for one second demanding what you need.

If it doesn't fit or work out... it didn't fit or work out.