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ruby07 · Jan 11, 2008, 02:47 PM

I have thought about letting him go very seriously, but its too hard for me to do it. My mind says to get rid of him, I can do better; but my heart is too fond of him. I don't know what it is that keeps me wanting him: comfort? Attachment? I don't get any attention from him and I know I'm not his priority right now. Everything he does to me, I forgive him. I haven't heard from him this whole week, despite saying I'm Sorry. I don't know what to do.

HistorianChick · Jan 11, 2008, 02:53 PM

Its Friday night. Get some of your girlfriends together and do something that will take your mind off him. Hit Blockbuster for some major chick flicks, go to a movie, hang out and make cookies (!), masque up your face and drink lots of cucumber water while painting your toes, whatever you decide to do - but make it a night all about you. You've done what you can (in the form of text, messages, voice mails, etc.) with your guy, now focus on YOU!! Really, it will be worth it.

ruby07 · Jan 11, 2008, 03:39 PM

My situation is similar to HurtingALot but I'm not as strong as her. I found out that he was "looking" for another girl through the grapevine. I called him and over-reacted maybe. I trust him though for some reason. And now I feel guilty that I approached it wrong. Maybe I should have been calmer. He had broken up with me before because we argued a lot. I think this one scared him because he realized I didn't change. I feel I have the right to be angry, but he didn't understand. He just hung up on me and never contacted me. I don't think he wants me, but why keep me around? I was so close to breaking up with him, but I didn't have the heart to do it. I know I deserve better, why do I keep keeping him around? I've had to ask for his attention and I told him all I want is to feel a little important. I texted him today saying I'm sorry, but I haven't gotten any response. I don't know what to do.

N0help4u · Jan 11, 2008, 03:49 PM

I agree with Skyprincess and HistorianChick
Guys that turn the table are most often doing it to be defensive because they do have something to hide. They have so many tricks for turning the table to make you feel guilty so you back off.
Most likely you could have handled the situation different but it is done and all you can do is wait it out to see what direction it is going to go.
In the meantime do as HistorianChick said and go out with girl friends and have a good time. Do things to take your mind off him. BUT don't bother with guys for awhile until you see where it is or isn't going with him and you get over him a bit.

When I have to bring something up to a guy that I know they will try and deny and turn the tables I catch them off guard with a comment in a joking way like "ahhhha so that your new gf" and catch their reaction rather than their words.

EIFS EXPERT · Jan 11, 2008, 03:53 PM

I think if you falsely accused him of something then you should give him all the time he needs. If afterwards there is still hurt feelings then move on. You can't go through life crying.

talaniman · Jan 11, 2008, 04:36 PM

You have been attached to this guy for a long time, and depend on him to be happy. Break this cycle, and leave him alone, as he has left you, and start loving yourself enough to be happy, without him. Chasing , begging and pleading is not love, so give yourself a chance at life, and move on. See the links to the sticky's on this forum, for some good suggestions on how to heal, and build a life that you enjoy. Click and tell us what you think, and if it fits your situation.

ruby07 · Jan 12, 2008, 11:40 AM

I will be very hurt if he doesn't call me at least to say "bye" before he leaves, especially after apologizing. I will try to be okay, but knowing that fact will hurt and confuse me a lot. I don't want to feel that way. What should I do?

Thank you guys for the input. Its helping me get through this.

s_cianci · Jan 12, 2008, 11:48 AM

If you acted on hearsay then I certainly understand his anger and frustration. And if this has happened before then I'd say you're coming perilously close to losing him for good. For now I'd just lay low and not call him. If he doesn't call you before he leaves then wait until he returns. I'm sure he'll think about things while he's away and will probably call you to discuss things when he returns. Things may not turn out the way you want but at least you'll know where you stand.

talaniman · Jan 12, 2008, 11:48 AM

Again see the links in my signature, if you want to know what to do.

ruby07 · Jan 13, 2008, 12:00 PM

He is leaving today, and he hasn't called to say goodbye. I'm hurt but I know he won't contact me before he leaves. I know most people would say this means its over, but it won't mean its over to me till he tells me himself. I'm not ready to let him go without knowing what all this means. I may sound crazy right now but I guess that's what love does to you. I should have approached him more calmly. I'm so confused and nervous. I just wanted to hear from him before he left. Should I try to contact him after he gets back? After not talking for weeks, will he come back and contact me?

Thank you guys for your advice. It helps me going.

ruby07 · Jan 13, 2008, 03:27 PM

I'm sorry I keep posting on here; I just feel so down and depressed that I feel like this forum is the only way for me to vent. Any help will be appreciated. Thank you!

I have a new problem...

We had an argument and I confronted my boyfriend about something I heard about him. Out of anger I told him that its over and he hung up on me. I called back and told him that I do trust him and that I'm sorry. He didn't call me back. I didn't mean to say its over. I apologized but he has not responded back to me. I have texted him twice apologizing. He is out of country for next 3 weeks. We will not be in touch with each other during these weeks. He didn't even say goodbye before he left. He could be busy packing or he could be venting. I learned my lesson though. I just blew up because he hasn't been giving me attention I need and deserve, so this argument just made me mad and say its over. I know guys may take it seriously, but I apologized sincerely. He had broken up with me before because of arguments and he came back to me even after I told him I don't want anything to do with him. I'm hoping that this will blow over and he will call me. Will he be cooled off by the time he returns? What should I do? I want to think positive, but its hard to when people are telling me that he took what I said seriously. I hope that's not the case because I apologized and Im sure he didn't want to end it with me either. Please help me!

talaniman · Jan 13, 2008, 03:58 PM

Given your history since last year,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2280514
Your having a very weak moment and will pass.

skyprincess · Jan 13, 2008, 07:26 PM

I have to ask, how old are you? And how old is he?

ruby07 · Jan 15, 2008, 02:25 PM

It is a very weak moment, but its not passing. I have not been happy lately. I feel neglected. I always blame myself for whatever happens because he hates it when we argue. My friends believe I deserve better but I still love him. I don't know what to do now because he hasn't contacted me even after I apologized twice. He left and didn't even say good bye to me. It depresses me and my stomach is in knots at the thought of him coming back and not calling me. What should I do? Will he call me after he gets back? Will he cool off over the few weeks? I'm just very confused and nervous. I hate this feeling. I'm so unhappy right now. My stomach is constantly in knots and I feel very depressed. I am in grad school and am very stressed and busy with that but he is constantly on my mind. I need advice. Please give me positive advice. Please help me.

Brandino747 · Jan 15, 2008, 02:37 PM

First, you have to take a long hard look at how you react to situations and plan accordingly. Don't do anything until you do this... cause the last thing you want is to be back with him and get into your "comfort zone" again and start blowing up at random stuff.

I'd call him, and talk to him very nicely and politely. Tell him you realized what you did wrong and that you will make sure things like that won't happen again. Tell him how much he means to you and how much the relationship means. Say this all calmly and confident...

Keep us updated

ruby07 · Jan 15, 2008, 05:40 PM

I did text him telling him that it will not happen again and that I'm sorry. What do I do if he doesn't pick up when I call? I don't know how I can talk to him in person assuming he doesn't pick up or call back.

Brandino747 · Jan 15, 2008, 06:45 PM

All you can do is try... but try once or twice (you already texted him so give it a day or two)

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT! Chase him... you will only burn your dignity and any self esteem you have.

He got the message, if he doesn't call move on.

allswell · Jan 15, 2008, 07:56 PM

Hi Ruby. You mentioned you had posted here before so I went back and took a look at your relationship diary. I got light-headed just reading it. So bear with me.

From your posts, it was abundantly clear to me that your relationship wasn't working, and it just got messier and messier and it is what it is today.

In my opinion, since you two got back together after the two month split, he was just going through the motions and didn't want to be there. He was emotionally absent. No matter how angry, mad, upset you are at your SO, if it's a healthy relationship you don't just ignore them by not answering, not calling, etc. This leads me to believe that while officially he was in the relationship, he had checked out a long time ago. Now, why someone would do this is beyond me, there could be a whole number of reasons, but they don't really matter now.

I think you know exactly why he's doing what he's doing, but it's too painful to accept, largely because I think you feel responsible for it. It's not wrong to disagree with someone's career plans. But changing your mind just weeks later, is suspect and doesn't sound right. It is not wrong to ask for more than they are able to give. But not knowing when to cut your losses and keep banging someone over the head until they do is immature and naïve.

This the main difference between men and women. When a man finds a woman he wants, he keeps her, and doesn't try to make her change to fit his ideal. While we women, do the opposite: we find someone who is %75 there and go about trying to change them into our usually-warped and unrealistic expectations of an ideal mate. This backfires every single time, and then we wonder why.

So don't go trying to call him and apologize for breaking up because you already have the answers you need. He's not going to provide any clarity. Give the guy a break. Even if he does call you back--which I think is highly unlikely because I think he's just too exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster ride he's been on--you should do both of yourselves a favor and move on. This relationship was over a long time ago, and he has realized it. Now its your turn to do the same. You're in medical school, so obviously you're smart. Let the professors keep you busy. And, let logic triumph over these crazy emotions/reactions you're having right now. Once you think about it really hard, I think it'll all be clear.

ruby07 · Feb 22, 2008, 07:12 AM

Hi guys,

I'm back and its pretty serious.

I have been very depressed and down for past few months. After having a serious conversation about our relationship, where we both agreed that we want us to work, I feel he doesn't seem to show me he wants to work on it. He hasn't called me in over a week. He texted me few days ago to tell me to have a good day, but its so generic I didn't text back. He could have easily called me instead. I'm not sure if he's just keeping me around until something better comes along or if he really wants to work this out but take his time. I am so down and confused. To make matters worse, my parents don't approve of him now. They want me to stop talking to him. I will be getting a grad degree and he doesn't have a grad degree. It really doesn't matter to me, but it matters to them. And they realize that he shows no interest towards me. They are worried sick about me and it makes me worry about them. Im not going to fight for him if he's not worth it.

I feel no one knows what's between us except us. I'm confused. When he's with me, he's perfect and says the perfect things, but when he's not around me, I hardly get phone calls. He wants us to work but I don't know what's going on. I don't know if its because he found out that my parents don't approve so he's freaking out. A big part of me wants to let go of him but my heart won't let it happen. I do love him a lot but I feel its one sided. I just don't know what to do. I want to be happy again, but I can't let go of him. Its too hard. Its so frustrating to be so conflicted. Its so hard to break up with someone you like so much but you know isn't making you happy. It's a crucial time in my career (I'll be a doctor) and I need to be content with my life to get through it.

I'm so tired of being down and depressed. Its affecting me and my relationsihps with my friends. Myself worth and confidence has gone down. I want to snap out of it, But at the same time I can't let him go. If the best thing for me is to let him go, I need a lot of encouragement and support because I will fall apart. Should I just wait it out and see what happens?

Most of you know my history and it has been a roller coaster. I have turned to you guys to help me get through this. Please help me.

Thank you so much.

HistorianChick · Feb 22, 2008, 07:23 AM

Oh, sweetie, you sound so consumed by sadness. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this again.

Sometimes it is time to let go. Sometimes you need to simply dry your tears and decide that you can't do it anymore. Sometimes for your own mental/emotional health you just have to stop fighting and walk away.

This is the hardest thing to do. I've gone through a variety of heartaches but have found that letting go is the most painful. But if you need to do it, you will have the strength to get through.

Have you talked to him about your feelings? Have you told him all that you said on this post? You said that you have talked and that you both decided that you wanted to try and make it work... but have you talked - really talked - to him since? Does he know that you are feeling like this?

Hon, you said your life is a roller coaster... don't I know!! I posted a comment on the last page of my quotes thread yesterday about the roller coaster of life. I've also talked with a dear friend of mine and we have concluded that yes, life is a roller coaster, but you do have the option of getting off.

The roller coaster is unpredictable. It is often exciting and mysterious. But it is also emotionally gut-wrenching because of the ups and downs and the constant "will he call," "will he choose me," "will he be there for me," "am I his One," and on and on. One minute, you'll be flying through the air and the next you'll be crashing to the bottom of the world. The coaster is uncontrollable.

But hon, there is a porch swing sitting right there. Its waiting for you. It is sitting there in all of its controllable loveliness. On the swing, you can sit with a good book, a good friend, a steamy cup of coffee, and watch the roller coaster from a distance. Its all up to you.

The key is reality vs. perception. The reality of your relationship is always the same. But are you going to view it from the roller coaster or the swing?

We're here for you - keep your chin up. And remember that your tears only create your rainbow. You're worth the best.