[Chery]

what i dont understand is how she could truly be in love with this guy after dating for only a month or two, not to mention they only see eachother on weekends. i think he is providing what she wanted from me and thats why i think she loves him. i want to find a way to show her i can do that, but its soo hard, im not sure how to handle it.

Hey, iceman, just exactly what do you think you lacked?
Is it what most men think but don't mention?
Look, if you feel man enough and secure enough in a relationship you will know whether you made the girl happy in bed or not. If not, she would have found millions of excuses to avoid you sexually.

That is one thing that men have a real problem with, when a woman leaves them.. they ALWAYS think it's another guy who provides better services in bed or better financial security. For some women this could be true, but these type of women are not worth your time and effort.

Have you ever considered talking to one or two of your ex's that you are now friends with? Maybe you can ask them a few 'sensitive' questions and when you get the positive answers you need, you'll realize that just like many other men and women in this world that some people just don't have the puzzle pieces that fit right. THat's all, no more, no less. Rejection and separation hurts, yes, but it has not killed any of us yet, unless we were prone to suicidal tendencies anyway and then people sure would have avoided us for good.

Settle back, meet new people and find new interests and don't stay home alone feeling sorry for yourself. None of us should ever do that, but sometimes I know it's hard.

We've all been through it from the day we discovered the opposite sex, and will go through it with our husbands and wives, or new relationships until the day we leave this earth for good. What matters is how we handle it, what our reaction is and whether we have gained the confidence in ourselves to stay cool, shrug it off, and go on living.

I sure hope you go on the right path and have help in doing so.

Lots of luck hon, and keep us posted.

Never try your best to 'satisfy' them... satisfy YOU.

[Iceman1018]

Hey, iceman, just exactly what do you think you lacked?
Is it what most men think but don't mention?
Look, if you feel man enough and secure enough in a relationship you will know whether you made the girl happy in bed or not. If not, she would have found millions of excuses to avoid you sexually.

That is one thing that men have a real problem with, when a woman leaves them.. they ALWAYS think it's another guy who provides better services in bed or better financial security. For some women this could be true, but these type of women are not worth your time and effort.

Have you ever considered talking to one or two of your ex's that you are now friends with? Maybe you can ask them a few 'sensitive' questions and when you get the positive answers you need, you'll realize that just like many other men and women in this world that some people just don't have the puzzle pieces that fit right. THat's all, no more, no less. Rejection and separation hurts, yes, but it has not killed any of us yet, unless we were prone to suicidal tendencies anyway and then people sure would have avoided us for good.

Settle back, meet new people and find new interests and don't stay home alone feeling sorry for yourself. None of us should ever do that, but sometimes I know it's hard.

We've all been through it from the day we discovered the opposite sex, and will go through it with our husbands and wives, or new relationships until the day we leave this earth for good. What matters is how we handle it, what our reaction is and whether we have gained the confidence in ourselves to stay cool, shrug it off, and go on living.

I sure hope you go on the right path and have help in doing so.

Lots of luck hon, and keep us posted.

Never try your best to 'satisfy' them.... satisfy YOU.

Yea I had always thought our love would last forever and I based my whole world around her, ignoring my friends for her. When she left it hurt, but I became extremely close to my friends and I'm thankful for that, but they can't fill that one certain empty spot in my heart. Everday I go through knowing that I am OK and I will survive. If me and her are really meant to be, there is no doubt we will come back together, but if it doenst happen then that only means my next girlfriend will be even better. Thanks for everyone's help, I appreciate it.

[Iceman1018]

If she's dating someone else there's not much you can do.

I have explained what i call "grenades" on this site before and some people do not like to talk about them.
(I've used them successfully but every relationship is different.)
But they work if she loves you still and only broke up with you to make a point or get her life together.

A Grenade is a one-time call or email that reminds them in short form of what was so special about you two...It's a little reminder. sometimes they will bite. sometimes they won't.

I would say NC is better in 90% of the cases....and if you risk contact you may have to fail again - even worse. if that doesn't bother/scare you...then wait til about 4 months from the LAST time you all contacted eachother - not the date you broke up the 1st time...and try it....but be warned: it takes a special bond to re-ignite it when she's clearly moved on.....use the time away to workon yourself and don't fixate on her. it clouds your thinking.

an old link;https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...st-124522.html

Well it has been 4 months now since I last spoke to her, how should I go about this "grenade" and what should I say?

[Ash123]

I am not sure if you are a candidate or not.

Fill me in with more details...

Why do you think you should contact her?

Was there anything left undone or misunderstood?

[Alty]

You've got to let go and move on otherwise you will start to suffer mentally and physically. It sounds like you are obsessed with her. Do you really want her back because you love her or because she loves someone else? You sound very possessive and that worries me. Nothing you do or say is going to change the fact that she has moved on, it's time for you to do the same. Trust me, you will find someone else and then you'll forget all about her, like she's forgotten about you. I know that this is not what you want to hear but it's the way life is, take it from someone who's lived a great deal more of it than you have. You will be fine eventually.

[talaniman]

It doesn't sound as if you've healed or learned anything, in those 4 months. Leave the lady alone, and do not contact her.

[Iceman1018]

i am not sure if you are a candidate or not.

fill me in with more details....

why do you think you should contact her?

was there anything left undone or misunderstood?

I don't think I'm ready for a couple reasons. First, last time I spoke to her was in the beginning of September and I left her very angry with me! Second, she almost put a court order on me, close call. Third, she is in love with another guy. There was really nothing that was undone or misunderstood. I guess my only option is to keep up what I'm doing (college, work, live life to the fullest) and wait maybe till next summer. The key hear is to leave her alone and I understand that, I have no problem with it. The important dates including holidays and b-days I have wished her well, just to let her know I still care.

[Iceman1018]

You've got to let go and move on otherwise you will start to suffer mentally and physically. It sounds like you are obsessed with her. Do you really want her back because you love her or because she loves someone else? You sound very possessive and that worries me. Nothing you do or say is going to change the fact that she has moved on, it's time for you to do the same. Trust me, you will find someone else and then you'll forget all about her, like she's forgotten about you. I know that this is not what you want to hear but it's the way life is, take it from someone who's lived a great deal more of it than you have. You will be fine eventually.

I guess you could call me obsessive, I truly am in love with her, not the stalker type. Miss her so much.

[Iceman1018]

It doesn't sound as if you've healed or learned anything, in those 4 months. Leave the lady alone, and do not contact her.

I have left her alone for all this time and your right. I feel only a little better, not as much as I should. What am I doing wrong?

[talaniman]

May be nothing, give it time and get busier. When your happy with yourself, and no longer look back, your healed.

[Alty]

i guess u could call me obsessive, i truly am in love with her, not the stalker type. miss her soo much.

Np, I don't think that you are a stalker (at least I hope not LOL). But you don't sound ready to accept the fact that she has moved on. I realize that you still love her, but love is a two way street and she's not on either one. You can't force someone to love you just because you love them. I know it hurts, been there done that, and I know that you don't think that this feeling will ever go away, but it will. The first guy that broke my heart left me crushed for months afterward, then I met my husband and we have been together for 17 years now. Someone better will come along, mark my words, and she will appreciate and love you for who you are. Just give yourself some time to heal and forget.

[Iceman1018]

Np, I don't think that you are a stalker (at least I hope not LOL). But you don't sound ready to accept the fact that she has moved on. I realize that you still love her, but love is a two way street and she's not on either one. You can't force someone to love you just because you love them. I know it hurts, been there done that, and I know that you don't think that this feeling will ever go away, but it will. The first guy that broke my heart left me crushed for months afterward, then I met my husband and we have been together for 17 years now. Someone better will come along, mark my words, and she will appreciate and love you for who you are. Just give yourself some time to heal and forget.

Well that's nice to hear, the hardest part for me to accept is how she could have moved on so fast and fell in love again already. Part of me keeps thinking that if I give it time then maybe something will happen. I would never want to force her to do anything. The other part of me says don't waste your time. And another thing I was wondering, how could she have the capacity to just toss me away and not think twice about it.

[talaniman]

She may have been thinking about this for a while, and was emotionally ready to move on. She didn't throw you away, even though it seems that way, she just ended the relationship. I think you had the expectation that you and her would last forever. She had other ideas. It happens to us all, and all we can do is accept the fact that we are single, and try to be as happy as we can. Single can be a lot of fun, with the right attitude.

[Chery]

Let me fill you in on a secret...
When I was young and dating, I looked at all my options on how not to hurt someone that I was 'tired' of or not enough in love with.
First, I would look around, and when I found someone else of interest, I would start a platonic relationship, and gradually distance myself from my current boyfriend - i.e. no more sex or hardly none. Then I would break up with him for one reason or another - there are too many to count when it comes to finding a reason to want out of a relationship, especially if I don't want to hurt the guy.
Then, I would wait at least two weeks before starting a new one with physical contact to protect myself mainly - no STDs or pregnancy, etc. Once I had that 'clear bill of health' I then got together with the new guy. I was very lucky to not catch anything, and am glad that I did stay true to this 'routine' of protection.

So, if you see your ex going out with others now, she probably had this planned all along, playing it 'safe' in more ways than one, and not really wanting to hurt you.

No matter what motives we have when we break up, it is because we want and need a change because it just is not working right, so please accept this.

I am sure that men have their own motives and routines when it comes to wanting out and needing something or someone new, that's just the way life goes. It leaves a bad taste sometimes, but it's better than not respecting the right of the other person to go through a healing phase and getting on with life.

Some of these men are still my friends, and they too had many other relationships since then - but most of the time our parting was at the very least respectful - we just didn't 'fit' and accepted it.

As I said, that's life and how we handle it is up to us. I never felt the need to cry or mourn, just reflect on how and why it went wrong and tried not to make the same mistakes twice - sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't, but we all eventually get on with life and chuck it up to experience.

I guess I never did find Mr Right (a few runner-ups who made me happy though), and will not have the opportunity now because I only have maybe a year left to live, but you - on the other hand, have a long life ahead of you and it should not be spent wasting it on feeling sorry for yourself or trying to figure out her motive and being jealous of her new contacts. Jealousy is a killer for many reasons and helps nobody.

So, now get out there and get a new life of your own. In twenty years - you will still have your memories - just ensure that they are good the majority of the time.


Good luck dear...

And, honestly - it's not always because of another guy, sometimes it's just that we women are unhappy and need to find out what we really want in a relalationship - and it just might take some of us forever...

[Iceman1018]

Let me fill you in on a secret...
When I was young and dating, I looked at all my options on how not to hurt someone that I was 'tired' of or not enough in love with.
First, I would look around, and when I found someone else of interest, I would start a platonic relationship, and gradually distance myself from my current boyfriend - i.e. no more sex or hardly none. Then I would break up with him for one reason or another - there are too many to count when it comes to finding a reason to want out of a relationship, expecially if I don't want to hurt the guy.
Then, I would wait at least two weeks before starting a new one with physical contact to protect myself mainly - no STDs or pregnancy, etc. Once I had that 'clear bill of health' I then got together with the new guy. I was very lucky to not catch anything, and am glad that I did stay true to this 'routine' of protection.

So, if you see your ex going out with others now, she probably had this planned all along, playing it 'safe' in more ways than one, and not really wanting to hurt you.

No matter what motives we have when we break up, it is because we want and need a change because it just is not working right, so please accept this.

I am sure that men have their own motives and routines when it comes to wanting out and needing something or someone new, that's just the way life goes. It leaves a bad taste sometimes, but it's better than not respecting the right of the other person to go through a healing phase and getting on with life.

Some of these men are still my friends, and they too had many other relationships since then - but most of the time our parting was at the very least respectful - we just didn't 'fit' and accepted it.

As I said, that's life and how we handle it is up to us. I never felt the need to cry or mourn, just reflect on how and why it went wrong and tried not to make the same mistakes twice - sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't, but we all eventually get on with life and chuck it up to experience.

I guess I never did find Mr Right (a few runner-ups who made me happy though), and will not have the opportunity now because I only have maybe a year left to live, but you - on the other hand, have a long life ahead of you and it should not be spent wasting it on feeling sorry for yourself or trying to figure out her motive and being jealous of her new contacts. Jealousy is a killer for many reasons and helps nobody.

So, now get out there and get a new life of your own. In twenty years - you will still have your memories - just ensure that they are good the majority of the time.


Good luck dear...

And, honestly - it's not always because of another guy, sometimes it's just that we women are unhappy and need to find out what we really want in a relalationship - and it just might take some of us forever...

I truly am sorry to hear that, it makes me think of what I have. I should be thankful ofr what I have and try not to focus on what I can't have or get back. Everybody seems to always want what they don't have instead of looking of what they do have.

[Chery]

There is nothing to be sorry for. I have had my life, ups and downs, and am happy.. I've lived a full life and raised a happy child who has one of her own now - a great gift for a grandmother. I will not stop enjoying every minute I have left.

Can you say the same for yourself? Just make sure you drop your garbage and go on living... that' the best thing for you to do.

There are some things in life we cannot change, but the rest is up to us to make the best of it... get started kiddo!

[Iceman1018]

She may have been thinking about this for a while, and was emotionally ready to move on. She didn't throw you away, even though it seems that way, she just ended the relationship. I think you had the expectation that you and her would last forever. She had other ideas. It happens to us all, and all we can do is accept the fact that we are single, and try to be as happy as we can. Single can be a lot of fun, with the right attitude.

That seems very logical and I agree with you on that one. I have just a couple more questions. Take my situation, do you think there is a chance that she will circle back to me? In the beginning month of the breakup I did bother her to a point where she almost had to take legal action. I was immature and since September I have not spoken to her or anything what-so-ever. I do want to live my life, but at the same time I want to keep her in the back of my mind (hoping that she comes back, but it won't take over my life). What do you think is best for me?

[Iceman1018]

There is nothing to be sorry for. I have had my life, ups and downs, and am happy.. I've lived a full life and raised a happy child who has one of her own now - a great gift for a grandmother. I will not stop enjoying every minute I have left.

Can you say the same for yourself? Just make sure you drop your garbage and go on living... that' the best thing for you to do.

There are some things in life we cannot change, but the rest is up to us to make the best of it... get started kiddo!

Yea I think I should do the same. It sounds like you are very happy person and nobody has an expiration date, live life like there is no tomorrow.

[LostInHisEyez]

I dated this girl for just about 3 years, went through most of high school together and broke up in the middle of the summer, so its been about 4 months and i havent spoken to her in about 2 and 1/2 months she actually broke up with me because she got tired of arguing with me about pointless stuff. i actually didnt really treat as best as i could. for the next month i tried everything to win her back; flowers, a ring, cards, love letters, im sorrys. while this was going on i didnt know she was getting involved with another guy. i found out and i was crushed, they are still currently dating and she says that she loves him and its a long distance relationship. this girl has changed my life in every way possible and i want her back soo bad, i have been doing very well in college right now and im doing what i have to do. all of sudden over the last week i started to cry over it and i miss her sooo much. can anyone help me out and give me some advice on trying to get her back?

You have to move on, apologies rings and stuff like that isn't going to rekindle the relationship YOU thought was good, if she's happy now then let her be happy. If she's in love leave her in love.

You said you're doing well with college life so just focus on that, sorry.

[talaniman]

I want to keep her in the back of my mind (hoping that she comes back, but it won't take over my life). What do you think is best for me?

Lose the thought of her coming back, so you can give your all when the time comes. No she ain't commin back! Accept it, deal with it, Move on.