[MissMelancholy]

I apologize in advance for the novel, but I would really like some objective advice on my relationship. All of my friends and members of my side of the family tell me I should leave, but, being pragmatic, I know that they're biased. I'll try to tell this as objectively as possible, though I know that my view is skewed simply because it's my view.

So... If you don't want to read all the background, just skip down to the bottom.


My husband I married five and a half years ago, after knowing each other for little over a year and my moving 8 hours away from my family. I was 19 when we were married in a rush, because my grandfather's health was declining, and I wanted more than anything for him to be able to see my wedding. Sadly, he died two weeks before the wedding, and the ceremony itself was riddled with problems. I feared for a long time that it was a herald of what was to come.

We had problems early on, but we worked through most of them, once we learned how to communicate (somewhat. This has become an issue again). He hit me once, but I made it very clear to him that if he ever laid a finger on me (or any future children we might have), I would leave him.

Our roommates at our apartment jumped ship on us when the apartment complex demanded they be added to the lease or move out, leaving us unable to afford our apartment. We moved in with his parents, garnering a pretty penny of debt for defaulting on our lease. The arrangement, initially, was for us to live with his parents for a while so that we could save money and get back on our feet again.

I left him for three months because he committed spousal rape, but returned to give him another chance. I want to make it very clear that since I returned, he has not raised a single finger against me in anger, and has always been very careful to not hurt me during our intimate relations, even though that leads to another problem I will discuss later.

Our largest problem, at the moment, is that some time ago, his father quit his job to pursue a pastoral degree. He is currently attending seminary, but has a low-paying part-time job. This requires my husband to give $600 a month to his parents to prevent losing one of the cars or the house, and finances are still very tight. Even if I were to get a job, we would not be able to save any money, because his parents would require a hefty portion of my check. We are ostensibly renting a single room from his parents for $600 a month, as well as buying our own food and contributing a large amount of money to keeping the cars full of gas, leaving us barely scraping by.

What's more, we do not own our own car, and my husband, though he's 29 years old, still only has a driver's permit. Compounding the problem is that even if my husband did want to leave, and we had our own car, his parents need his income. It would alienate his whole family if we left them on their own, because they would most certainly lose at least one of the cars, leaving them unable to get to work out the strange work schedule they have, which would, in turn, leave them unable to pay the two mortgages on the house.

This would be somewhat bearable, since his father graduates from the seminary in 3 years, and will begin working as a pastor, except for the fact that I absolutely abhor the man, and I am sure the feeling is mutual. He disrespects me at every turn, treats my husband and I both as though he is doing us a favor by letting us live in his house (despite the fact that they would lose the house if we didn't live here), orders me around like a servant (when I would be more than happy to attend to things that need doing if he would simply ask), and has shown what I see as "secret revenge behavior" toward me since I returned from the three-month separation with my husband (These are always small things, such as allowing his dog to destroy my personal property, deleting my files from the family computer, kicking any of my belongings that happen to be on the ground, et cetera). It's gotten to the point where I've begun to talk back to the man when he issues an order, which is quite out of character for me.

His mother used to be a saving grace. She was a very good friend, but recently, she seems to be more and more irritated with my mere presence than interested in discussing things with me. In the past, I've talked with her about her husband's behavior, and she has attempted to speak with him, or so she's told me, but the situation has not improved. To make matters worse, since she found out that she was diabetic, her temper has been extremely short, and instead of being very comforting and supportive, as she once was, she is now quite likely to snap at me, or speak to me with a heavy hint of irritation in her voice and facial expression.

My husband refuses to leave this situation, as, of course, it would leave his family in dire straights. I understand this, and respect it, but I don't know how much longer I can live with it.

What's more, I'm not happy with my husband. I'd thought we'd learned to communicate, and we had a great relationship, but in the past year or so, he's grown increasingly antisocial, and it's been like pulling teeth to get him to actually talk to me about anything having to do with our relationship, or whatever is bothering him. (When I ask him what's wrong, he insists that there is nothing wrong, until I go down a checklist and drag the problem out of him. I've recently decided to just leave it at "Nothing," because I'm miserable having to nag at him like that.)

I sat down with him a few weeks ago, and told him just how unhappy I was, that I felt under-appreciated, and that he didn't show his affection for me enough. He told me that he felt it was unfair of me to ask him to do anything extra to show me that he cares, or to expend extra time thinking of me. He has since recounted that statement, but part of me fears that it's only because I told him that I've been thinking about leaving him if nothing changes.

Experience shows that I am not his first priority. Despite talking to him numerous times about it, he is content to spend nearly all his time at home playing video games, and seems put out when I want to spend time with him. As well, few months ago, I had to go to the dentist because of severe jaw pain, and ended up having to have a tooth pulled because of a very bad abscess. My husband accompanied me, and was there and agreed with the dentist that I should return, because I have a number of tooth problems. Instead of saving money for that, though, he spent $100 over a couple of months on video games and movies. Then, last week, when I was experiencing severe pain again, when I asked him for money to go to the doctor, he seemed reluctant to give it. I told him to forget it, that I would just deal with the pain, and he left it at that, instead of insisting that I go to the doctor, no matter what the cost. He says he took it that I was refusing to go to doctor, and not that he wasn't thinking that I should, or that I needed, to go. (As it stands, we did go to the dentist, and I am scheduled for a root canal that is being paid for as a Christmas present from one of my friends.)

To make matters worse, our intimate life has been suffering greatly. Because of my husband's size, sex becomes painful for me after an amount of time, which means that he goes unfulfilled. This has made him not want to have sex at all, which I only discovered today, after having to drag the problem out of him once again. We've tried many things in the past to alleviate my discomfort, but nothing seems to work.


Too Long, Didn't Read Version:
* I hate my husband's family, but we can't leave, because they'd lose the house without my husband's income.

* I'm very unhappy and depressed because my husband doesn't seem to appreciate me and spends all his time playing video games rather than with me, despite having talked about it numerous times, and having told him a month ago just how unhappy I am.

* Our sex life is suffering in an ironic reversal of the "normal" problem couples seem to face.


I've already decided to leave if things don't get better. I want to look into counseling, but I have no clue about what to do about his family, or the fact that we're trapped living with them until his father completes his seminary schooling.

I guess, after all that, my question is... How long do I wait for him to try and fix things? It's only been a couple of weeks since I told him how unhappy I was, but things have gone back on the track to normal after a couple of days of a bit of headway, despite my reminding him and being depressed enough that he can tell how unhappy I am.

I love him... but when does love stop being enough?


ETA: I'm not Christian, so please refrain from any "keep God in your marriage and everything will work out" replies. I don't mean to be rude, but browsing this forum, it seems that there's a preponderance of that.

[donf]

Dear Ms. M,

I read through most of your epistle above, not all but most. There are some things I think you need to hear, so here I go.

One, why did you leave the apartment again. I realize two sublets walked out on you but why didn't you simply ask the apartment management to allow you and your husband to move to a smaller apartment with a lower rent? How much of a debt did you incur because you left?

Two, you are being somewhat of an ingrate to your father in law. After all, they did open their house to you and your husband. However, since you are paying rent there is really nothing they can say to you. You are a tenant, they are your landlords. I believe that everyone is just getting on each other's nerves.

I am very concerned about your comments regarding your father-in-law. He willingly places everything he and his family needs (not wants) in jeopardy to pursue a minister's collar yet from your tone and words, this is not a person that you would like to be a minister. Have you asked him or told him your feelings? Can you even talk to him? Is he approachable?

Three, your mother-in-law, may just be tired of being in the middle and getting clobbered from both sides.

Four, you husband should stop waiting on mommy and daddy and realize that he has obligations to you and his marriage.

A suggestion for you, if you feel you must get out of there, please consider the following:

Ask your former landlord to release you from the remainder of your debt because of the more pressing familial obligations. Of course you could always seek an attorney's advice and declare bankruptcy and list that debt. I don't recommend that but it is an option open to you.

Lastly, as to your living arrangements, talk with, not at, your husband. See if he would consider moving to an apartment that you can afford and continuing to support his parents? When the rest of his family points to you and your husband to support his parents, just ask then what they are willing to do to help. You don't have to be nasty but please do let them know if they have any great ideas and would like to try them out, you will be most agreeable to stepping out of the way and letting them do the work!

[MissMelancholy]

To answer your questions, the roommates were friends that were having hard times, who we consented to let stay with us until they got onto their feet... Which turned into them staying with us until the apartment wanted them on the lease with us, and then they cut and ran. My husband's salary, at the time, wasn't enough for even a one-bedroom apartment at the complex we'd rented at, as I'd just been fired following a two-week illness.

To address your concerns on the way I act or speak about my father-in-law, in the beginning, I acted like a guest in his home, always affording him the utmost respect, until it became clear that the original agreement was null and void, and my husband and I began to give up most of our paychecks to live there (I was still working at the time he decided to change his career), thereby not actually being able to save anything. His attitude toward me and my husband has grown exceedingly more brusque, and he has never once asked for anything from us. He orders it, or demands it. "Go cut the yard." "Empty the dishwasher." "Clean that up." etc.

He only acts like this in the privacy of the house. Around other people, he's extremely kind. I'm sure that anyone that didn't live with him would think he would be a great minister, but I see him as extremely unapproachable. On the few occasions that I have tried to talk to him, unless it is on a topic that he personally enjoys, I have been brushed off. It's quite common for him to merely grunt at me to get me to move out of his way, rather than actually saying anything. I have tried to talk to his wife, as I said, but it doesn't really help. He's very set in his ways.

I agree that my mother-in-law is probably just haggard from the stress flying around, especially with having become diabetic, but understanding her situation doesn't really help me. Whenever I try to offer my help, I get snapped at, so I've taken to just avoiding everyone, to create as little conflict as possible.

I have tried to talk with my husband about moving out, and he said that he would consider it only as a last resort. And I quote, "If the choice is between murdering my father in his sleep and moving out, then we'll move out."

Even if I could get him to agree to move out, we're still presented with the problem of not having our own vehicle, and the inability to get one with the current situation that makes us unable to save any amount of money. Even if I were to get a job, I would have to give most, if not almost all, of my paycheck to the household, if I didn't flat out lie about my pay rate. As it stands, I'm doing craft commission work from home on an on-and-off basis, and I have to be very careful not to mention that I actually have money, or I will be asked to buy this or that, or pay this bill or that bill, so that the car and house payments don't have to be juggled around so nothing gets repossessed again.

[Edensmimi]

First of all I read every word of your post, as I do all that I read so I have all the facts. I don't feel as though you are disrespecting your father in law, I firmly believe that you have to give respect to get respect. If everything you have said is true, and I didn't see a mention of any children (except for your husband) then I would say pack your things and move back to your family. You deserve better than having to live with his parents, if he can't provide a home for you then by all means, move out, get a job, and take care of yourself. I am a very independent woman who earns her own keep, so to speak. I have watched my daughter depend on way too many men for my taste and she ends up basically like you, living with the inlaws. Long story short of this is, his parents should be able to support themselves unless it is due to an illness or one parent passing away. Career choices are just that, they are choices, we choose them we have to deal with them. Personally you having gone back after spousal rape was enough for me to call it quits. It is all up to you, only you can decide when love just isn't enough. If I were you, I would remove myself from the situation before any children come out of this. I am sorry but I do have to say that my strongest advice would be this... don't get angry now ;) Get God in your life, he will always guide you and comfort you ;) Good Luck Honey ;)

[oneguyinohio]

Spousal rape and all, and you are still there? I think your man has a lot to learn... or relearn! Sounds like he got it from his daddy. If he hasn't chosen you over his parents, he seems to be a fool. He has probably learned that parents should use children for their own benefit. What will that mean if the two of you ever have kids? Will he use them for his own gratification? You said he has already raped you and had no regard for your feelings, so if I were you I would take a look at everything he has been raised to believe is OK, and then you have to decide if you want to accept that, move on, or demand change... and though change can happen, it won't be quick or easy.

[Fr_Chuck]

No your problem is you and your husband are not living on your own.

If his dad was not responsible to pay this own debts, that is his problem, not yours or your husband. So you both move out on your own, and they will figure out how to pay their bills or sell some of the things they have to budget. A pastor should not be requiring his son to pay is bils, if anything he needs to leave seminary until he learns to be the head of his own household first.

[talaniman]

Taking everything you have said, this is a very unhealthy situation to be in. You are alone with no help surrounded by dysfunctional people. Your first mistake was returning after you had left, but your were only trying to do the best for your family. If you really want to help yourself, then leave this hell hole, alone if need be, and start healing and building your own life the right way. That's right leave hubby with his family, and just go. You don't need any more explanation than SEE YA!! Get your own act in order, and don't let anyone make you deviate from your plan. You can be miserable without their help, and have less headaches over it. Do this for yourself, instead of sitting among hard heads, and be unhappy. After all if 3 adults, can't figure out how to support one household, what are you doing there? I'm not there, and I can't stand it. Just do it, talk is over. If hubby choses to follow, so be it, but not necessary.