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star3114 · Oct 4, 2007, 05:54 PM

You know what, if you live in fear of getting dumped or trying to dump first... you will miss out on a many wonderful things. Instead of looking at what you have lost... tell me what you have learned about yourself and others with this situation. It can help put a better spin on it for you.

madaman · Oct 5, 2007, 11:01 AM

Ive learned to not rush things, that you really can't know a person after only 6 months (and definetely don't let them move in). Ive learned that if I found this girl, I can find others (better too). Ive learned that I don't need a girlfriend to be happy (although it is nice). The one big thing I'm working on right now, is fixing/bettering myself for myself, not for others. Also to not rely on others to help/do it for me.

I still miss 'her' more than anything though which really sucks.

star3114 · Oct 5, 2007, 03:04 PM

It is really okay to miss someone. But look at all that you have learned from the situation. You even said that you can find others that are better suited to you. You, then, realize that she is not your cup of tea. So feel free to miss her... but realize that she isn't what you wanted. Going through a break up is kind of like dealing with a death. You go through the different stages of the grieving process and such. In the end, you have acceptance. You may miss the person for quite some time... that is normal. But it doesn't mean that you want or need them back either. You have developed a lot from this experience. Now is the perfect time to go out and meet new people. This doesn't mean get a girlfriend... but just go out and meet different people. Socialize... because we are very social creatures. Take each meeting at face value. You are not looking for a serious girlfriend or a wife... you just want to expand your pool of friends. Once you do this, you will find that you will miss her less and less. It is kind of like after someone dies, your life stops. Then once you have reached acceptance, life starts to move... very slowly at first... and then before you know it, things are back to normal. You will still think about the person from time to time, as they shared part of your life, but it won't consume you. You are making it through. WHOO HOOOO! Keep us posted and God bless!

madaman · Oct 6, 2007, 11:53 AM

Well went on my first date in a long time last night. I dreaded going the whole day, but as soon as I met up with her it was great and I had a fun time. Didn't think about my ex ONCE the whole night. Im definetely not jumping into anything right now though, still have a lot of fixing on my part to do. A TON.

Inspired · Oct 6, 2007, 03:50 PM

Its great that you had a good time and didn't think about your ex once. Keep meeting people and keep yourself busy. That's the best way to get over the pain. Counseling also helps.

madaman · Oct 10, 2007, 09:21 AM

Well I have to say, relapses suck. Its so hard to not think about good times you had once in the past, and then it just snowballs. It is weird, because I don't want her to phone me, but every day that she doesn't I wonder how she could not want to talk to me again at some point. Talk about wasted brain cells thinking about that situation.

Ive hit 40+ days of NC, and that is why I'm healed to the point I am, thank goodness. Im hoping 20 more and I will be a-ok. In the end, I have to be right?

One major thought that I have been having recently is that I'm GLAD this has happened, but for a few reasons. Im glad because it turned out she was crazy. The thing I'm glad about the most, is that I am living through this, and I know I can tackle much bigger issues. I haven't had many experiences like this in life and its an eye opener as to what can happen in life. Its like solving a big problem on a test, you feel good once you find the answer. I know I will look back and be glad that this happened and that I made the best of the situation. My heart goes out to all of you who can't start the healing process for one reason or another, I personally couldn't take the pain of hanging on to false hope again so I actively chose the route to healing this time.

smoothy · Oct 10, 2007, 10:32 AM

It will get easier... but look for another woman... nothing helps you get over a loser like that one faster than a different one to help highlight what was wrong with the other one. It gives you a strong frame of reference to focus on rather than idiolised memories.
IN the end you are better off, after all she could have gotten knocked up and claimed it was you that did it and bled you dry when it was the other guy... the system has shafted a lot of men forcing them to pay child support for a kid fathered by someone else.

And yeah, like it or not, I don't think any non-biological father should be forced to pay to raise someone else's kid. And I'm all for DNA testing to definitively prove parenthood before they slap that on somebody.

Count your blessings you are getting out this easy. It could have been far worse.

madaman · Oct 10, 2007, 03:09 PM

The baby thing has happened to me before, luckily (as sick as that sounds) she had a miscarriage and I was able to walk away from that situation. I am already going out on dates with a couple other women, and it is fun. Just waiting for the day I don't think about my ex in 'that light', or any light for that matter.

smoothy · Oct 11, 2007, 07:10 AM

Originally Posted by madaman

The baby thing has happened to me before, luckily (as sick as that sounds) she had a miscarriage and I was able to walk away from that situation. I am already going out on dates with a couple other women, and it is fun. Just waiting for the day I dont think about my ex in 'that light', or any light for that matter.

One step at a time... first go a day without thinking about her, then a week, then a month.

Eventually you will wonder why you even got upset about her and see her for the slut she is rather the woman you thought she was. She made her choice and has to live with it now, and you have the choice to find a woman who really loves you and respects you. Unlike her.

madaman · Oct 14, 2007, 02:14 PM

Well back to my favourite part of the cycle, the relapse. It is really easy to lose sight on the goals/progress I've made. It is really weird too, but I think its because I took it to the next level. I erased really the last known link to her of mine, which was a friend of hers I talked to on Facebook every now and then. I can't wait for the day I don't think about that crazy broad anymore.

Jiser · Oct 14, 2007, 03:46 PM

Delete her from your life FOR EVER :)

madaman · Oct 14, 2007, 04:44 PM

Why would I go to all this trouble and work to let the mean bit** back into my life :)

enigmagnetic · Oct 14, 2007, 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by madaman

Why would I go to all this trouble and work to let the mean bit** back into my life :)

She sounds psycho. This is the type of girl that would get pregnant by some other guy and never tell you :mad:

madaman · Oct 19, 2007, 09:16 AM

So minor update, its been 7 weeks on NC and I have not once have I really felt the urge to call her (as nothing good or positive could come from in). I do feel like I'm in a bit of a slump lately though and it really sucks. I don't know WHERE the thoughts came from but Ive started thinking about how she could leave me for someone else. My confidence has been pretty high the last couple weeks, but then it causes me to think why would someone want to leave me then if I'm so great?

The thoughts just sort of spiral out of control really quickly, and I don't know what to do.

smoothy · Oct 22, 2007, 05:21 AM

Originally Posted by madaman

So minor update, its been 7 weeks on NC and I have not once have I really felt the urge to call her (as nothing good or positive could come from in). I do feel like im in a bit of a slump lately though and it really sucks. I dont know WHERE the thoughts came from but Ive started thinking about how she could leave me for someone else. My confidence has been pretty high the last couple weeks, but then it causes me to think why would someone want to leave me then if im so great?

The thoughts just sort of spiral out of control really quickly, and I dont know what to do.

You made it 7 weeks... work on the next 7 weeks. You will find it will be even easier, and your thoughts of her will be even less. Always look forward, never look back. You can't change what was, but you do have some control over what will be.

madaman · Oct 22, 2007, 10:02 AM

Actually that's great advice, and yeah the next 7 weeks should be a hell of a lot easier. I guess I should set some new goals for the next 7 weeks and work on those so I have something to focus on.

I had a weird moment in my car driving home from work yersterday. I had been having a super bad day, very depressed etc for the 4th day in a row. As I was driving I just said to myself "you decide what kind of day you are going to have, you can decide to be happy". I used to laugh at people who said those types of things worked, but it actually worked for me.

Diamondstar03 · Oct 22, 2007, 10:17 AM

madaman, I know how you are feeling. 7 weeks is a long time. Keep up the good NC. I am as well. It is crazy to think how easy it is for our ex's to just remove someone out of there lives so easily. They are really undeserving of our thoughts you know.

madaman · Oct 24, 2007, 08:40 AM

So I'm driving to work today and my phone rings, I luckily look at the caller ID before I answer and its her. I forced myself to not answer the phone and just let it ring out. I never thought I Would see her name/# on the caller ID screen again. Of course she didn't leave a message, but this has shook me up pretty bad now. Im at day 54 of no contact and I really don't want to start again if she keeps trying to contact me. Im sitting at work here right now and my mind is racing.

This really sucks because I want my life with her back so bad, but I know in my heart that it would never work out after what she did. What a horrible situation to be in!!

smoothy · Oct 24, 2007, 09:03 AM

Just stick with the no contact thing. You did right by not talking to her. Like I said, focus on the next seven weeks, and meeting new people, not on her. If you do think of her, just remind yourself what a nasty thing she did. That will help you get past her. Don't think good thoughts, if you find yourself doing this, remind yourself about what she did, and mentally picture her with that guy when you were happily oblivious. That will help set your mind right.

But do focus on your future, and making a new life. After all life is what you make it.

madaman · Oct 24, 2007, 09:18 AM

When I saw her name on the caller ID, my mind shot instantly to the 54 days in a row I have written in my notebook, one day written at a time for each day NC and there was NO way I was starting that list of days again.

I also know that she was probably calling to ask something or for something, and would have lied/been nice to get it and then disappear again anyway so its not a big loss for me. I also know that I never want her back (well I want the old one back but she doesn't exist anymore) so there really was no point talking to her.

All this is logical and I am a very logical person, so why does it throw me for such a loop? Its kind of funny, but by not answering the phone it was almost like plugging your ears and make noise so you can't hear something... aka trying to believe its not being said or it isn't happening. Hopefully this wears off quick as I really don't want to be back to day 1.

The worst part is I'm looking for a new roommate right now and getting lots of unknown numbers phoning me, and I'm really going to dread answering the phone now.