[enigmagnetic]

Thanks y'all, you've been wonderful. Ash thanks for making me aware that happiness lies within and chasing perfection will always be a chase. And Chuff well thanks for the mental correction. Take care.

[Sad Soul]

Wow. Good for you for making those changes; the things you listed are not easy, so my hat goes off to you.

I'm very impressed! And I'm double impressed that you have responded to her emails without giving her what most ex's would want (aka to show you're a little lost without her).

People get pretty startled when their ex lives despite them. That is, it's hard to imagine that a man who was once drinking, smoking, and being paranoid over a girl, is now in great shape, moving forward with work, and isn't responding to emails in a frenzy.

And believe me: a girl who contacts her ex and then writes five paragraphs to him about how great she is doing, is actually only saying all that sh*t so that her ex can validate it for her.

Lol! She actually bolded her words in the email, in regards to life being good? Who does that? If life is so good, she wouldn't feel the need to prove that or to yell that to you on paper. It's as if she needs to fool herself, or she needs someone to tell her "yes dear, you are doing soooo great! You rock, you are the Queen, you're...etc".

Tell me, if things were going so great, why did she go back to the past and contact you?
Please don't allow yourself to be used. You've grown as a person and you have made the right decisions so far. And you need to continue with this. Going back to an ex who didn't really care when you had an injury or when you couldn't feed yourself…that's a huge step back from the healthy road you're on.

Unless she begs or starts being honest, don't put too much thought into emails that mess with your head.

[enigmagnetic]

Sad soul, I must say I agree with you. She is either frustrated with life, therefore venting her frustration by attempting to torture me, or she realized that the guys out there aren't me. I needed a good nights rest after I wrote this post to digest everything. My composure is back. She's so blatantly transparent her attractiveness to me has been reduced to a physical one. I feel for her though. I'm not saying I don't care. I'm glad I made nice with her. She was a good learning experience and taught me much. I'd like to say she was there for me but she never really was. Though she did make me realize that I have to take life and challenges by the horns. My changes where due to realization that I have to have peace with myself. Thanks for the thoughts. I have my sword and shield again.

[dollface_93]

Okay, so I know this is really weird but... I left a guy I was dating for 2.5 yrs to get with my sons father again, and my life with him is great now, but when I first left the boyfriend I still thought about him, and would call him, I still had feelings for him, and although I was in a new relationship and happy I secretly wanted him to be "avaliable" JUST In case things didn't work out for me. I know SELFISH! But I am sure that's her way of finding out if your waiting on her and that your life can't go on without her!:mad:
I have done a lot of growing up though, and now we talk he is in a relationship and Extremely happy, I would say happier than when we were together, and I hope and pray that you will find that someone special, then just let her know how much better you have it;)
Good Luck!

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Her family did see her with this guy and rather than telling her that she should pull back from him they did nothing. So now not only do I feel general lack of trust for her but for all the women in her family.

It could be that they have known her a lot longer than you and realize that she does what she wants to do.

So they have learned to not give her advice because they know she will do the opposite, and they already get the same BS that you got.

[enigmagnetic]

Okay, so I know this is really weird but... I left a guy I was dating for 2.5 yrs to get with my sons father again, and my life with him is great now, but when I first left the boyfriend I still thought about him, and would call him, I still had feelings for him, and although I was in a new relationship and happy I secretly wanted him to be "avaliable" JUST INCASE things didn't work out for me. I know SELFISH!! But I am sure thats her way of finding out if your waiting on her and that your life can't go on without her!:mad:
I have done alot of growing up though, and now we talk he is in a relationship and EXTREMLY happy, I would say happier than when we were together, and I hope and pray that you will find that someone special, then just let her know how much better you have it;)
Good Luck!

First of all, it's not weird. It's great you both are happy now. It was for the best after all. I only hope fate is as kind to me. It makes sense what you're saying and in all honestly it really has dawned on me that this parallels my situation. When we broke up she did come to me once, weak, saying she could never live without me. This was a week after the break up. She wanted me to say the same thing but I didn't. Fast forward to now, it's the same situation. She wants me to tell her I want her back and beg. I can't do that, I don't think anyone should have to beg like that. She wants to feel like she is the best thing that happened to me and I'm miserable without her. I think I shocked her when I told her how much I had changed. My only conundrum is how to presently respond. I'm still debating on whether to be forward and tell her that her actions are transparent and she is blatantly imposing passive aggressive notions on me. Or whether I should tell her I'd like to be friends but she has to get over her anger towards me. Or whether I should continue the lighthearted banter and remain aloof and obscure in my responses until the pot boils over. I'm baffled.

[enigmagnetic]

It could be that they have known her alot longer than you and realize that she does what she wants to do.

So they have learned to not give her advice because they know she will do the opposite, and they already get the same BS that you got.

Thanks to everyone that has posted and helped I've affirmed that I was blinded and missed obvious clues. Her MOTHER told me she always had a propensity to do as she wished. This did not dissuade my desire to change her. I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

[Sad Soul]

First of all, it's not weird. It's great you both are happy now. It was for the best after all. I only hope fate is as kind to me. It makes sense what you're saying and in all honestly it really has dawned on me that this parallels my situation. When we broke up she did come to me once, weak, saying she could never live without me. This was a week after the break up. She wanted me to say the same thing but I didn't. Fast forward to now, it's the same situation. She wants me to tell her I want her back and beg. I can't do that, I don't think anyone should have to beg like that. She wants to feel like she is the best thing that happened to me and I'm miserable without her. I think I shocked her when I told her how much I had changed. My only conundrum is how to presently respond. I'm still debating on whether to be forward and tell her that her actions are transparent and she is blatantly imposing passive aggressive notions on me. Or whether I should tell her I'd like to be friends but she has to get over her anger towards me. Or whether I should continue the lighthearted banter and remain aloof and obscure in my responses until the pot boils over. I'm baffled.

Whatever you do, make sure you don't create an enemy where it once wasn't. For example, you don't want to give her the "aha!" just to satisfy this itch of annoyance you're having now. This will only make her feel more aggressiveness towards you.

Be mature and keep conversations on your part short but polite when it comes to her sending phony emails. If she does otherwise and starts acting like a grown-up, then it's okay to communicate a little bit more. This will send her the message, but at the same time it will save her the embarrassment (because I'm sure she already feels a bit of shame or at least knows deep down inside that she is childish with these lengthy emails about herself).

[dollface_93]

Whatever you do, make sure you don't create an enemy where it once wasn't. For example, you don't want to give her the "aha!" just to satisfy this itch of annoyance you're having now. This will only make her feel more aggressiveness towards you.

Be mature and keep conversations on your part short but polite when it comes to her sending phony emails. If she does otherwise and starts acting like a grown-up, then it's okay to communicate a little bit more. This will send her the message, but at the same time it will save her the embarrassment (because I'm sure she already feels a bit of shame or that she is childish with these lengthy emails about herself).

I totally agree!:cool:

[enigmagnetic]

Then it shall be. Well folks, from this point on I will keep this as a side project. I will be kind, polite, aloof, scarce, short emailing, and guarded. We will see how she acts. I doubt this will lead to anything. Anyone want to guess the outcome of my tactics? Thanks

[Ash123]

Thanks to everyone that has posted and helped I've affirmed that I was blinded and missed obvious clues. Her MOTHER told me she always had a propensity to do as she wished. This did not dissuade my desire to change her. I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

Honestly, I would say I don't see this as a life partner:

And I think this quote is CRITICAL: "I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner."

This is a bit arrogant and dangerous... A relationship cannot work like this. Not healthy. Clearly you all are not compatible... A soulmate is not a project.
Ok, so you both grew. Now grow onward.

Ps - And a "Propensity to do as she wished..." is not always a bad thing. But in this case it was obviously selfish. So, not worth repeating.

[Homegirl 50]

I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

This could have been one of your problems. You don't set out to change a person. You either care about them or you don't. When you take it upon yourself to change someone, you are in essence telling them there is something wrong and they are not good enough for you. This also shows an insecurity in you, because, you are the one in pain and you'd probably take this "irresponsible person" back in a heartbeat.
It sounds to me like you're saying, "I tried to change her and make her a better person and she didn't appreciate it, so if she is unhappy it's all her fault and if she ever wants me back she had better show some responsibility" What gall! She may not be the best person, but you need to take some responsibility for being part of the reason she left.

[smoothy]

I agree with the previous couple posters here... nobody molds anyone into anything. Unless you are doing a Woody Allen and raising a child to be a future partner. And that's just plain sick.

[HXS]

Only you can decide what direction your life takes you. You obviously loved her other wise you wouldn't be so confused. The one thing you have to keep in mind is the changes that you have made are not only for yourself esteem but for being a better man. 7 years ago did you really think about being a better man? Now you are a better man and maybe that is what she see's. My only other question is, now that you describe yourself as a better person will she bring you down again to the level you were at before or can you continue to grow and maybe the both of you can have a meaningful relationship? Has she grown any or is she just building herself up to seem appealing? Guess I had more than just one question.

[enigmagnetic]

Dear Smoothy, Homegirl 50, Chery, and Ash123

I appreciate your advice. This is how I thought in the past, it's not my way of thinking now. I was stating it as a mistake I made. Which is also why I said it failed miserably. I know now that you can't change people. Hindsight is 20/20 you know? For her to be a life partner would require quite a bit of changing on both sides. I've improved but I've got some work left and will continue growing. Seemingly she hasn't really changed. I don't know what she is thinking but it doesn't seem to be with the best intentions. As far as doing as she wished, I was responding to Chuff's post so it was to him and that's why I repeated it. I agree it isn't always a bad thing but like you said in this case...

Now, Homegirl 50 I think you're going too far. I did care about her. I didn't SET out to change her. It's not like it was premeditated, you're kind of painting me out to be much worse than I was. I didn't set guidelines for her telling her she had to be this way or I would leave her, she merely was never there for me, so I would ask her to be, and I would give her advice she would refuse. I agree with the insecurity bit on my part. I was insecure then, but it wasn't totally unfounded and it was cultivated in the long run. I was also slightly delusional with paranoia but I mean I admit to these flaws. I actually haven't said "if she is unhappy it is all her fault" and if you read carefully I am far from vengeful and spiteful and I think you saying that is unjustified. I appreciate your opinion homegirl 50 but I don't agree with all of it, sorry. Nor did I take her back when she came back to me saying she couldn't live without me slightly after the breakup. In fact, I might add, your post is a bit defamatory and hostile which I can't quite understand it's cause. I don't mean to be rude but you're not really giving advice you're basically just stating how bad you think I am, how does that help? As far as taking responsibility this whole post is littered with my acknowledgment of my ignorance. It's almost like you didn't read the whole post. Anyway thanks for replying everyone, take care!

Cheers

[Homegirl 50]

She hasn't really changed in the way you think she should. She is being who she is. If you don't like it, that's your problem not hers. So if she is not the one for you, not the type you like, then you should just be able to get over her.

[enigmagnetic]

She hasn't really changed in the way you think she should. She is being who she is. If you don't like it, that's your problem not hers. So if she is not the one for you, not the type you like, then you should just be able to get over her.

Actually exactly in the way I think she should. There are many other things that I had given her advice on that she rejected that she is now doing like working out, like going back to school and quitting smoking, talking to her dad, I could go all day. I really don't think you have, again, the justification to say with certainty that she hasn't really changed in the way I think she should. She is being who she is clearly because I'm not in the picture, that's obvious why bring it up? I don't dislike it, and it isn't a problem, that's not the issue here why bring it up? If she isn't the one for me only time will tell don't you think? I've moved on but am curious about what will happen, have you read this post at all? What I have a problem with is her manipulative tactics, how it's almost in contempt she is doing this. Something others have pointed out. You seem to have an agenda, trust me I don't hate my ex and I don't wish anything negative on her, what I DISLIKE is her trying to manipulate or hurt me. I didn't like the fact she contacted without any actual interest in me only in a passive aggressive way. If you notice from my posts I have yet to be mean to her since she contacted me. I've been nice and friendly. While I'm not perfect don't paint me out to look like a villain or some sort of premeditated abuser. You seem to have some sort of agenda and I would kindly ask you to look further into my posts before you make what seem as all encompassing accusations.

[N0help4u]

I think you should tell her to stop emailing you. She is just trying to rub it in how good she has it without you and make you jealous of "what you coulda had and lost." She is also looking for the pats on the back you give her cause the gratification feeds her feeling like you are envious of her "new life" She likes the idea of feeling you still have an emotional attachment to her.

[enigmagnetic]

I'm contemplating it, I still haven't replied to her. Part of me wishes at the least we could be friends someday. I also don't want to give her the satisfaction. This is bittersweet. I want her to realize that even if she didn't want me I would be fine but at the same time I do actually care for her. I had decided to keep emailing her politely in the hopes that one day she may stop acting immature and open up and actually start speaking to me like an adult. It's funny but that same concert she was going to was canceled. She wrote me on Friday just to tell me she was going to the concert with one of my favorite bands here then she wrote me yesterday saying how heartbroken she was. If you would have seen how much she was rubbing it into me in that email it would be humorous. I think she wrote me yesterday just to save face lol. Anyway, I'm still contemplating. Cheers

[enigmagnetic]

Sigh, back at this. I emailed her back politely saying how bad I felt that she didn't get to see one of my favorite bands who she never liked before she met me. She emailed me back saying that she is pondering getting a new job and moving on to "bigger and better opportunities" and that her life is crazy hectic but great. Then she asks me how I'm doing and what's new?

Does she really care, I don't know, I 'd like to think that she does. Why oh why is this happening? I mean I know I'm doing this to myself but why does she keep emailing me like this? Just randomly telling me about her life. She's increased the frequency at which she emails me now even though I'm becoming more scarce emailing her about once every two weeks, it's baffling. Three times in the last few days. B.S. polite banter for the most part, the type of discourse you have at an office party with a guy named Lumberg. :(

I want to say "LISTEN WOMAN YOU EITHER LIKE OR ME OR YOU DON'T, YOU EITHER GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING. YOU DON'T NEED THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION AS INSPIRATION, JUST THE EFFING GOLDEN RULE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP PUSSYFOOTING FROM SAYING HOW YOU YOU REALLY FEEL THAN EFF OFF! NOW IF YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS STOP LIVING IN THIS HOUSE OF CARDS AND SAY SO!". But instead I'm a "B" and I say "well that's wonderful for you" B.S.. The sad part is my conscience would otherwise cripple me. She stopped taking her xanax as well, and her panic attacks have died down. I don't know whether she was referring to me causing them. I'm overpowered by my curiosity considering the ego destruction and reconstruction I had to undergo, I'm overpowered by my conscience which restricts me from treating her badly or coldly. I was FINE when she wasn't emailing me. Now it seems my composure is being tested. I mean if she were to tell me that she had found someone else I'd deal with it and it this would end there, but she wrote me specifically saying she's "alone" and it's a bit lonely but that she's OK with it. Why the EFF do you say this to me? I haven't told her I'm alone. As far as she knows I'm james freaking bond now sans the martini. You guys think I'm crazy but what would you do? I see her flaws better and my flaws a bit better with some of the responses. I wouldn't get back with her and let her in as deep as she was before, I wouldn't allow it I would feel weak and I'd feel like I'd gone backwards. I can't rely on her, yet she was always great with advice and I have never shared my whole self with anyone before like I did with her, and I've had plenty relationships. I don't know. I'm not breaking down, nor am I going to reply until November but what now? Is she increasing her emails because I've been so aloof? Probably but what does it mean? Does it mean I hold some power? If I did I would use it for good. A friendship would be nice. What of it?