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AdvicePlease · Oct 12, 2007, 10:33 AM

Hello,

My sister wants us to come to the celebration of their new twins (girls). However, my wife and my two sisters had a falling out a few years ago and haven't really spoken much since. My sister wants us to come see the twins. This would the first time I've seen them. My sister wants my wife to come as well but she's not sure if she should go as they haven't really spoken since. And, I can't seem to convince my wife to go. Any suggestions on what to do?

Thanks :-)

J_9 · Oct 12, 2007, 10:37 AM

It must have been a very bitter falling out. Sounds like your sister is trying to make amends, and what a better way to do it, celebrating new life.

Seems like your sister may have gotten over it and your wife should too. Life is too short to hold on to grudges against family members. You never know what may happen tomorrow, and then it would be too late.

AdvicePlease · Oct 12, 2007, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

It must have been a very bitter falling out. Sounds like your sister is trying to make amends, and what a better way to do it, celebrating new life.

Seems like your sister may have gotten over it and your wife should too. Life is too short to hold on to grudges against family members. You never know what may happen tomorrow, and then it would be too late.

Thanks for your reply J_9

Under the circumstances, my wife actually has reason to be bitter (if I told you, you would probably be angry as well)... eventhough she should forgive but not forget as time passes. I don't think my sisters are so much into trying to make amends. They are trying to act like there were no consequences of what happened and move on & expecting my wife to accept that as well and go on with life. My wife has difficulty with that.

However, I'm wondering if I should ask my sister (with the twins) to call my wife directly and ask her to come (so she feels she's actually welcome) or else I will be going there on my own (it's an out of town party). Is that a good idea or should I not ask my sister to call?

AKaeTrue · Oct 12, 2007, 12:35 PM

Holding on to bitterness only makes us bitter...
Like J_9 said, you never know what can happen in an instant, so the sooner
This bitterness can be resolved, the better.
Tell your wife that your sister would like to speak to her personally and ask if that would be all right before surprising her with the call.
She may not appreciate a surprise call * especially if she thinks you put your sister up to it..

J_9 · Oct 12, 2007, 02:28 PM

I still stand by my answer above. You did not post any circumstances as to what happened so it is really hard for any of us to choose otherwise.

Regardless of what happened between them, it is imperative to have a healthy family that they must get past this. And the sooner the better. I speak from experience.

I lost my father this summer. He and my brother had a very bitter relationship. There was no love there at all. After Dad passed, my brother fell into a very deep depression that almost ruined him. Why? Because he never forgave Dad for things that were done, things that were said between the two of them. Although my brother disliked my father tremendously, he still loved him, and he never had a chance to tell Dad that before he passed.

Yes, this is about a father and a son, but feelings in families run deep, no matter who the family members are.

Without circumstances to make a judgment, I can't give a better answer than what has been given you already. Sometimes it just takes the stronger person to take the first step in forgiveness.

grammadidi · Oct 12, 2007, 02:43 PM

Wanted to give you a greenie, J_9, but have to spead the love some more, first. :)

AdvicePlease: What J_9 says is so true. There are very few circumstances that are worth cutting the ties. I think you and your wife should talk about it together. You both need to discuss 'how important is it?'. Your sister IS asking her to come. You cannot really judge motives, in fact, if you continue to do so, there will never be peace. If the situation is something that should really never be forgiven, then you all need to cut the ties. Otherwise, your wife would be well advised to swallow her pride and show your sisters that she is bigger than all that. She should be pleasant and kind and see those babies.

Perhaps your wife would be most comfortable if you set up a 'code' word or phrase. If she utters those words, that is your cue to leave. She would only say them if the situation was getting out of hand. In return, you promise her that you will leave and NOT get angry. In fact, for a first visit, it's probably better that you let them know that you can only stay a very short while ahead of time. Perhaps that will help your wife feel more supported and confident.

By the way, if you feel that she is justified in not wanting to go because of the wrongs done to her, I am curious why you would want to go and why you would want her to go? While I truly agree that life is short and you should treat others the way you wish to be treated, if there is adequate reason to remain withdrawn, then I feel you should stand beside your wife.

Hugs, Didi

AdvicePlease · Oct 12, 2007, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by AKaeTrue

Holding on to bitterness only makes us bitter...
Like J_9 said, you never know what can happen in an instant, so the sooner
this bitterness can be resolved, the better.
Tell your wife that your sister would like to speak to her personally and ask if that would be alright before surprising her with the call.
She may not appreciate a surprise call * especially if she thinks you put your sister up to it..

Thanks for your response KAE,

My wife is bitter with my sisters for planning our wedding details without telling her. Reservations (including deposits made) and people were asked to be in our wedding without her approval. They even asked and chose our flower girls without telling us (my wife had someone else in mind... her lil'sister). And when my fiancé (at the time) asked them about all these plans they got into a series of big arguments. My sisters should not have interfered because my wife had her own ideas about how she wanted her wedding to be like. It's a girl's dream to plan her own wedding. Right? Plus, my sisters were married before us so they should know better than to be pushy. Then my sisters wanted us to thank them for their help afterwards. Can you believe that?

If I tell my wife my sister wants to speak to her personally my wife may or will not want to speak to her. On the other side if I ask my sister to speak to her my sister may or will not want to either. They are all hard headed about this. So, this is why I'm confused. If my wife doesn't want to go should I still go see my nieces for the first time? I think I should. My wife thinks I should go too because they are my family (but, my wife said I should've asked if I can go instead of telling her I'm going... to make her feel I'm not choosing my sister(s) over her... it's a sensitive issue), however, I want my wife to go too.

AdvicePlease · Oct 12, 2007, 03:02 PM

Originally Posted by grammadidi

Wanted to give you a greenie, J_9, but have to spead the love some more, first. :)

AdvicePlease: What J_9 says is so true. There are very few circumstances that are worth cutting the ties. I think you and your wife should talk about it together. You both need to discuss 'how important is it?'. Your sister IS asking her to come. You cannot really judge motives, in fact, if you continue to do so, there will never be peace. If the situation is something that should really never be forgiven, then you all need to cut the ties. Otherwise, your wife would be well advised to swallow her pride and show your sisters that she is bigger than all that. She should be pleasant and kind and see those babies.

Perhaps your wife would be most comfortable if you set up a 'code' word or phrase. If she utters those words, that is your cue to leave. She would only say them if the situation was getting out of hand. In return, you promise her that you will leave and NOT get angry. In fact, for a first visit, it's probably better that you let them know that you can only stay a very short while ahead of time. Perhaps that will help your wife feel more supported and confident.

By the way, if you feel that she is justified in not wanting to go because of the wrongs done to her, I am curious why you would want to go and why you would want her to go? While I truly agree that life is short and you should treat others the way you wish to be treated, if there is adequate reason to remain withdrawn, then I feel you should stand beside your wife.

Hugs, Didi

Thanks Didi & J_9 :-)

You're quick, my post came out after yours... you'll be able to see what happened above your latest post(s) for me.

AdvicePlease · Oct 12, 2007, 04:19 PM

I forgot to mention a few months ago my wife invited my sisters to my surprise birthday party but they mentioned they could not come for whatever reasons. My wife told me afterwards that she had invited them. I was so happy that she even did that as I had no clue. But, I saw that as an opportunity lost to have made things possibly better between them.

It's true. Having healthly family relationships with one another is very important... especially to each and everyone's stress levels :-)

J_9 · Oct 12, 2007, 04:28 PM

While weddings are beautiful and wonderful, I despise all of the politics that goes along with them. My oldest son will be married next Saturday, so I feel your pain there.

Now, how long ago was the wedding? Was it recent? If not, and even if so, there is really nothing you can do about it anymore. It is over, it is a done deal, and nothing you, your wife, or your sisters can do will change what has been done.

As I am sure you know, this is bordering on dysfunction. Time to bury the hatchet.

If your wife can't go for whatever reason, neither should you. You are her partner now and you need to support her decision. But be prepared for the consequences. It'll probably get ugly.

But I have to say, from years of experience and dysfunction of my own, that this is really cheating this set of twins out of an Aunt and Uncle. They are the ones who will ultimately suffer growing up.

For Pete's sake, you all are grown adults arguing like little children about who's party you are going to, when the result will be that two innocent children may lose family members that could be a very big part of their family.

I speak from experience, not only my Dad and my brother, but my Mother's brothers who did not come to my father's funeral or even recognize that he passed.

I may sound harsh, but it is utterly childish to act like this over the birth of two innocent little children. It will only hurt the entire, and I mean ENTIRE family in the long run.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 12, 2007, 04:57 PM

The one sister invited the both of you. The both of you should go. Holing on to grudges does no one good. There is no point. You have two nieces that you both should be able to enjoy. Go, it will speak volumes to the kind of people you are.
I guess I can understand why your wife is upset, but why then was she not upset with you for not putting your sisters in their place, and if your wife did not like what was being done, why did she go along with it? Do your sisters know your wife is upset and why? I mean did all of this happen over night?
At any rate, I think you both should just go and be done with it.

AdvicePlease · Oct 12, 2007, 05:22 PM

Thanks J_9

Our wedding was 3 years ago and yes, what's done is done. The question is what we all do now. We live about 500 miles so we are far from one another so on most days this situation is off our minds until family events come up.

My sisters don't really seem to think much about what happened other than that their only brother (me) doesn't speak much to them anymore. They apologized at the time but we asked them what they were apologizing for and one of my sisters couldn't even remember what she was apologizing for. That's the infuriating thing about it. We couldn't accept their apology because they it didn't seem genuine. They were just saying it. For me, I can make up with my sisters in one day because we are siblings. For my wife she's the new one to the family so it's hard for her to do. Yes, I do believe this is bordering dysfunction and I don't like it one bit. I came from a "together" family. My wife came from a "broken" family so what she knows to do when bad stuff happens to use the "hatchet" rather than bury it. My wife too doesn't speak to her father because he abused her and her siblings when they were children.

I agree with you that I should stick with my wife when situations come up. However, I can't fathom not ever seeing my newborn nieces. My wife thinks I should go see them but she's hesitant to go. I just recently started speaking to them again when I found out my sister was pregnant. My sister has also mentioned about coming to visit us later in the future. I'm not sure how my wife will handle that but I know this won't get settled unless they can meet face to face and if it's stays ugly afterwards then I'll know it is meant to stay like this. Agree?

Tonight, I will ask my wife again if she will go with me, however, I don't really want to pester her too much more about it.

When we are out shopping my wife does ask me if I got my nieces anything from time to time so she's also confused about what to do. It's takes a lot of strength to stay mad but she also doesn't know what to do now. When we were planning our wedding she was actually looking forward to having an additional family because her own family was so dysfunctional. I feel bad for my wife as I couldn't give her a welcoming family :-(

AdvicePlease · Oct 12, 2007, 05:30 PM

Thanks Homegirl 50 :-)

My sister asked if I was coming and then if my wife was coming or not. Should I consider that as inviting my wife? They told me to bring my wife. My sister's always have me relay information. They know I don't do this well so I'm always the one to has to tell my wife information and it doesn't always come out right. I'm thinking with the situation as it is why doesn't my sister call my wife and ask her? Or is that asking too much?

I have to get somewhere now. I'll answer your other questions later.

Thanks again

J_9 · Oct 12, 2007, 05:31 PM

In all honesty, you need to sit down with your wife and tell her that she is beginning to relive her family life all over.

Before I go further, does she suffer from depression? You say she tends to use the hatchet rather than bury it. She came from an abusive home. Many red flags here for me.

J_9 · Oct 12, 2007, 05:33 PM

Originally Posted by AdvicePlease

My sister asked if I was coming and then if my wife was coming or not.

Did she say "Is your wife coming or not?"

OR

Did she say "Will Suzie be able to come?"

There is a difference here.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 12, 2007, 05:33 PM

I think you gave her a good family. They took over things thinking they were doing something special. 3 years, your wife needs to get over it. She should go with you, but if she won't go, it's her loss. You go! Explain to you wife how important this is to you.

You know, your sisters thought they were doing something thoughtful, so maybe they didn't know why you were so upset, but they made an effort to apologize. You guys should accept it and get over it.

AKaeTrue · Oct 12, 2007, 05:40 PM

If your wife didn't want help planning the wedding, then how were your sisters able to do all that?
Why wouldn't your wife just stop it right then and there before a family war broke out?
Like Homegirl 50 said, your sisters probably thought they were being helpful, could be why they don't know what they're apologizing for,
But just apologizing because they know you guys were up-set about something.

grammadidi · Oct 12, 2007, 10:28 PM

As much as I believe that you should support your wife, I just don't think that the things you have mentioned is enough to destroy a family over. I think that as your wife she should encourage you to be close to your family without destroying your own... BUT I think that she should be by your side.

I will also speak from experience... when my husband died, I NEEDED his family. I didn't know he would die when he did. We were so young that death never entered my mind. Your wife might want to think about that. If she had a bad family life she might have a difficult time being close to your family. However, that is something you can both work on together.

Finally, if your family lives far away than this is not something that's going to be a weekly thing. I think you are well within your rights to ask her to put aside her differences and be there beside you. I hope, for your sake that she does. She doesn't have to love your family... she doesn't even have to like them! All she has to do is get along with them for a little while because it is important to you.

Hope this helps...

Hugs, Didi

Synnen · Oct 12, 2007, 11:12 PM

Not to be the b1tch here, but there's another side to this story.

I came from a fairly close family--a HUGE family. I love my family a lot.

I am NOT, for many reason, willing to be close to them anymore.

Put your wife first--she NEEDS to be first in order for your marriage to work. Honestly, it sounds like she's pretty healthy to me. She has no problem with YOU going, as long as you're making her your number one priority (asking, not telling) in going.

She isn't trying to exclude the kids in any way--buying them gifts when you're that far away is one of the few ways you CAN be involved in their lives anyway.

While it may be partially about the wedding thing, I'm betting there's more to it than that. Are your sisters demanding of your wife the times you ARE together with them? Do they treat her as though, because she's new to the family, her opinions are second rate, or not as weighty as theirs, or someone else's in the family? The fact that your wife made an effort to reconcile and was rebuffed is probably playing a part in this as well--it's like your sister wants it on HER terms, not your wife's.

I think your wife is right in this. Giving in right now is stupid and pointless, and will make her the "weaker" party. Yes, life is short, and anything could happen tomorrow---but life is also LONG when you're dealing with family politics. A more neutral situation would be better for a reconciliation, really--a parent's birthday, a wedding of a non-immediate family member, a family reunion, whatever. Because this is your sister's event--your sister holds the power, and your wife giving in now would be saying that she is willing to put up with whatever crap your sisters throw at her.

Just a bit of my point of view from the convoluted family politics I deal with, and a bit of devil's advocate thrown in as well. By all means go see your family--but don't expect your wife to join you.

AdvicePlease · Oct 15, 2007, 10:11 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Not to be the b1tch here, but there's another side to this story.

I came from a fairly close family--a HUGE family. I love my family a lot.

I am NOT, for many reason, willing to be close to them anymore.

Put your wife first--she NEEDS to be first in order for your marriage to work. Honestly, it sounds like she's pretty healthy to me. She has no problem with YOU going, as long as you're making her your number one priority (asking, not telling) in going.

She isn't trying to exclude the kids in any way--buying them gifts when you're that far away is one of the few ways you CAN be involved in their lives anyway.

While it may be partially about the wedding thing, I'm betting there's more to it than that. Are your sisters demanding of your wife the times you ARE together with them? Do they treat her as though, because she's new to the family, her opinions are second rate, or not as weighty as theirs, or someone else's in the family? The fact that your wife made an effort to reconcile and was rebuffed is probably playing a part in this as well--it's like your sister wants it on HER terms, not your wife's.

I think your wife is right in this. Giving in right now is stupid and pointless, and will make her the "weaker" party. Yes, life is short, and anything could happen tomorrow---but life is also LONG when you're dealing with family politics. A more neutral situation would be better for a reconciliation, really--a parent's birthday, a wedding of a non-immediate family member, a family reunion, whatever. Because this is your sister's event--your sister holds the power, and your wife giving in now would be saying that she is willing to put up with whatever crap your sisters throw at her.

Just a bit of my point of view from the convoluted family politics I deal with, and a bit of devil's advocate thrown in as well. By all means go see your family--but don't expect your wife to join you.

Thanks J_9, Homegirl 50, Akaetrue, Grammadidi, Synnen for all your helpful advice. You all are great :-)

I'll let you know how things went :-)