[victoria_mitchell]

Seriously,
You shouldn't bash on people that are younger. I'm 19 VERY clingy<< that's a good thing by the way, my boyfriend tells me he LOVES the fact that I can't get enough of him>> and my boyfriend just turned 24. Now that I've said that...

Did you ever think that maybe your friend is in love with her or sees something you don't? Personally I don't let my boyfreind hangout with other girls either especially girls that are "just friends" and to be on a harsher tone it's none of your business and there is nothing you can do about it if he really loves her. You can tell him how you feel but I garentee you that if you do that he will tell his Girlfriend what you said and then she won't let him near you.

[barbiechick123]

I understand you care about your friend and you don't want to see him in a relationship where his girlfriend is his owner. But you need to let him handle the situation, if he loves her he will not care if you or anyone else will tell him to let her go, and if he doesn't he will break up with her soon enough.

[Synnen]

Wow... I was 19 and clingy once too. Guess what? It ruined relationships until I realized that it's not very healthy. There's a VERY thin line between clingy and needy.

The first response actually got closer to the mark than she probably thinks: He's with this girl because she gives him a TON of attention.

Either she'll out-grow the clingy when she gets more confident in herself and the relationship, or he'll get sick of it and break up with her.

As far as the girlfriend not letting you around him at all if she finds out what you're thinking, that goes along with the low self-confidence. If you love and trust your partner, you let them choose their OWN friends. If she gets to the point of choosing them for him (even by elimating them because she's unable to trust that they're not after her man), well... hopefully he wakes up by then.

Hopefully he's smart enough to realize that if she's telling him he can't hang out with someone because they're of a different GENDER than he is, he'll really realize that what she's saying is "I don't trust you" and break up with her.

[april32090]

This is bugging the hell out of me. My friends girlfriend is 19, I'm 21, he's 23. We all worked together, til he quit to pursue his career. Nevertheless, he'll come in and hang out, talk to everyone he used to work with and I guess to see the gf as well. A bunch of us were talking to him and the gf comes over, takes his arm, & goes, "We're going to lunch." Then pulls him away. I'm 21 and I've never treated a guy I'm dating like that, and what bothers me is she pushes him around like she's the older one in the relationship. He's my friend and no-I don't have feelings for him like that, but it grates on my last nerve to see that he'll let this girl kick him around. I'm close friends with his ex-girlfriend and she treated him so much better, even he's said that. So why be with this 19 year old, clingy girl?

Some Guys Like To Have Someone Else In Control

[clandestine1]

First off, thank you all for your responses and honest opinions.

After my ex's birthday passed, things settled down and I was back to paying attention to work/registering for fall semester/hanging out with friends/etc.

I think part of my problem is that I think about things that I have no control over, and I get caught up in the past. Specifically, thinking about the good times, thinking about things I should have done differently, compliments, put-downs, everything.

Part of the problem is since we live so close to each other, I can be driving down the block and we'll see each other. Or the local supermarket. Its inevitable.

Another part of the healing process for me has been working on my self-esteem, which has improved but its hard to block out so much of what's been said. I hear it from my friends and my closest guy friends that any guy would be lucky to have me, that they wish their girlfriends were as easy-going and as open as I am... then why am I still single?

[clandestine1]

Not to sound too personal, but I have major hang-ups when it comes to being intimate. I've had sexual intercourse with 2 guys, the first one being my ex the second a drunken error in judgment. While being intimate with my ex, he was a virgin as well, but he would make typical guy comments. One being that my breasts didn't "go up and down" because I'm flatter chested. Not completely flat, but apparently, not well endowed enough I guess.

Each time we would have sex, my boyfriend at the time would say he wanted me to be on top, which I did. I'm physically fit and very active because keeping in shape is important to me; however, I've always been self-conscious of my abs because they've never been completely flat. They're toned, but its something he knew was a sore spot. One time he commented that I could "stand to tone up a bit" which caught me off guard since he knew I attended the gym regularly. So I continued working out, focusing more and more on my diet/abs. This guy was NOT a horrible person, he was just being a guy and he's always been a little outspoken. As part of his way of flirting he used to poke me, usually in the stomach. He'd insist he didn't care about my abs, which I half-believed but still doubted. Anyway, if you've read my previous threads you'll know we stopped talking for awhile after breaking up and were back in contact last summer.

When we first saw each other, I made a joke about him getting a beer belly. He's 5' 10" and toned but still thin. Him having a beer belly is damn near impossible, and he laughed it off but then says, "Where'd yours go?" I'd been working out ever since the breakup, I definitely lost more weight than necessary after the breakup and it showed. I liked that he noticed, but while hooking up a couple of months later he was feeling up my abs and complimented me. Then, before leaving he kept poking me in the stomach, feeling how hard they were. Where am I going with this? The girl he is now dating is 2X my size and apparently treats him badly, same with the gf he had before this one, yet...he could criticize my weight/tone, say I was "the best he could ever hope for" and I'm the one he didn't want back? Just venting on that part...Something thats confused me for quite some time...We slept together a total of 6 times in 10 1/2, mostly because I refused to let him penetrate without a condom.

Another guy I'd dated, while making out, commented I was too skinny. Going from my ex who would say I need to tone up/ask about what I did at the gym to a guy saying I was too skinny was weird. I wasn't underweight, I was normal, yet it was while we were shirtless so I felt uncomfortable. We dated briefly, but I was never comfortable with my shirt off while with him. Nor did I ever sleep with him, though he wanted to.

The second guy I'd ever slept with was while I was extremely inebriated. We started making out and it went a lot farther than ever intended. Since he was only the second guy I'd slept with, I told him to go slow, as I was still very tight. He didn't. He had trouble keeping it in, tried again, it still hurt, until he just gave up. I take full responsibility for my actions, as it takes two and despite being drunk, I said yes. That was my fault, so in part, I got what I deserved.

Now...I don't feel like I'm at a point where I wouldn't be comfortable having sex at all because my past experiences have made me feel self-conscious and I don't want to be in a situation (again) where a guy makes negative comments about my body. I had an eating disorder in high school, and I need to be with someone who is sensitive to that fact. Not someone who asks, "So did you have a six pack when you didn't eat?"

Has anyone else ever had this problem, overcoming past put-downs during sex!

[huno]

I hear it from my friends and my closest guy friends that any guy would be lucky to have me, that they wish their girlfriends were as easy-going and as open as I am...then why am I still single?

Well, maybe you're not putting yourself in a position to be approached, or the way you carry yourself is off-putting. I know a lot of girls who complain they're still single despite who they are (attractive, personable, funny, etc.), and it has to do with the idea that they look kind of cold, uninterested, or possibly even hostile. You haven't said that you are, but you might check yourself.

Or you may not be around areas where there are single guys. I'm not saying you should rush off to the closest Star Trek convention, but maybe meet your closest guy friends' guy friends. Go where single guys go. Do what single guys do (minus the farting).

Finally, maybe take the initiative and meet guys on your own. Most guys have no problem with being approached... hell, I wish women would hurry and start doing that so I don't have to do so much work.

[clandestine1]

Well, maybe you're not putting yourself in a position to be approached, or the way you carry yourself is off-putting. I know a lot of girls who complain they're still single despite who they are (attractive, personable, funny, etc.), and it has to do with the idea that they look kind of cold, uninterested, or possibly even hostile. You haven't said that you are, but you might check yourself.

Or you may not be around areas where there are single guys. I'm not saying you should rush off to the closest Star Trek convention, but maybe meet your closest guy friends' guy friends. Go where single guys go. Do what single guys do (minus the farting).

Finally, maybe take the initiative and meet guys on your own. Most guys have no problem with being approached... hell, I wish women would hurry up and start doing that so I don't have to do so much work.

As usual huno, your advice is helpful and right on the money. I'm very guarded having been through a lot in 20 years, not just relationship wise but family issues that have impacted my ability to trust anyone. I probably do come across as cold, not because I am but because I have my guard up.

Part of the problem was the guy I'd dated after my ex had spent about a month and a half gaining my trust. I was hesitant to date him at first, but we talked online frequently, we hung out with mutual friends the first couple of times we hung out, then dated for about a month before he said he didn't want a relationship. He was still hung up on his ex, so I understood where he was coming from, but he pursued me.

I pursued my ex by asking him out, and I think that scared me a bit because I'm afraid to trust my own judgment where guys are concerned. I've heard from plenty of guy friends that it looks desperate for a girl to ask them out, and it takes away from "the chase." Ugh. You've given me a lot to think about, so I thank you for that.

[huno]

As usual huno, your advice is helpful and right on the money. I'm very guarded having been through a lot in 20 years, not just relationship wise but family issues that have impacted my ability to trust anyone. I probably do come across as cold, not because I am but because I have my guard up.

Part of the problem was the guy I'd dated after my ex had spent about a month and a half gaining my trust. I was hesitant to date him at first, but we talked online frequently, we hung out with mutual friends the first couple of times we hung out, then dated for about a month before he said he didn't want a relationship. He was still hung up on his ex, so I understood where he was coming from, but he pursued me.

I pursued my ex by asking him out, and I think that scared me a bit because I'm afraid to trust my own judgment where guys are concerned. I've heard from plenty of guy friends that it looks desperate for a girl to ask them out, and it takes away from "the chase." Ugh. You've given me a lot to think about, so I thank you for that.

I get a good one in every so often; glad it happened on your thread. :)

Anyway, I hear you; my dad wasn't exactly a pillar of support growing up... to quote Carlos Mencia, for the longest time I thought my middle name was "pendejo." I myself am still working through it. It gets better every day, it really does, and at first the progress was very slow, but now I can look back and see a world of difference. I was very closed-off as a teenager and it definitely didn't make me any friends. Once I started opening up people were a lot friendlier. Sometimes I'd say something stupid (and at first, my self-esteem took a HUGE hit whenever I was called on it) but for the most part I made new friends and girls were definitely more interested. Now most things slide off my back, because I know that most people like me... or at least tolerate me.

What I've come to learn is that a handful of people shouldn't determine how you see yourself. And yes, a bad experience with a lover can really damage your self-image. I still contend that the majority of guys don't mind being asked out, especially in this day and age, so please don't rule this out as a way of helping you build better self-esteem, and potential new friendships.

I think you can come away from this knowing that you were the bigger person in your relationship. Know that the next person should live up to your standards and you shouldn't have to compromise.

[emopunk7]

Updates!

[emopunk7]

Well, my ex told me that one guy she was with was bigger than me and I hated being the second biggest to her... So that right there affected us. That affected the relationship... But that's it. It would bother me when we would get naked and she wouldn't be at awe when she saw me yet I adored her every second I could. Nothing else...

[emopunk7]

Many people like different things... Honestly, I don't really like when a girls breasts go up and down during sex... and I'd rather have a really skinny girl contrary to other guys... But maybe that's because that's how my ex's body was... If you love someone, you learn to love their body no matter how it is... I also think you are looking too deep into this... I've told my ex that she should do more ab work... it's no big deal... To be honest I really didn't care... It's just a comment... I loved her body and I always would no matter how it was... I lvoed her so I took anything... Well she broke up with me 3 months ago... I'm trying to move on...

[asking]

You have my complete sympathy. No one should ever make remarks like that at all, let alone during sex. I think you nailed it when you said your boyfriend commented on your abs specifically because he knew you were sensitive about that. First of all, NEVER tell a man which part of your body you are sensitive about. Keep it to yourself, because if you tell him, he can use it against you. If they ask, say you don't have anything like that. You have absolutely nothing to gain by sharing that kind of intimate secret with a guy. If you've been married for years and he's never abused your trust, then MAYBE you can tell him, but I don't know why you would. Second, hold out for a grown up who knows that sex is best when both people feel attractive.

I was married to an abusive man for 15 years who criticized virtually everything about me. But he NEVER said anything critical about my body in bed. I think he knew that would be the end of a good thing. Try to put these guys' remarks out of your head if you possibly can. A loving relationship does NOT require two perfect bodies (or even one).

If the next guy says anything, tell him what a turn off that is and that he should never do that again. Ask him how turned on he'd feel if you criticized his appearance (and look him over critically, top to bottom, as you say this!) And if he does it again, I would recommend dumping him, because he will keep doing it as a way to keep you off balance. Remember, anyone who cares about you will think you are beautiful no matter what. Meanwhile, be patient. (No more "accidents" with creeps, and don't get drunk at all. I just read that increasing the beer tax in some states Directly reduced the rate of STDs.) Good luck!

[talaniman]

How about choosing your partners a lot more carefully. Leave the turds alone.

[talaniman]

I think it would help a lot to give yourself a well deserved break from relationships, and deal with what makes you happy about yourself. We often forget who we are when a difficult relationship ends, and the grief just keeps coming. You need time to stop thinking about him and his life, and put yours on a happeir track. Get over this kid completely, and find your own happy spot, and real man is sure to want to join you.

[stefani1]

ha sounds like he is a bit bi=polar! And has anger issues I think if he gets on the defense so easily. Ah you seem like a smart girl and I think you know you CAN do better. Sometimes its hard to let go of someone you think you love, but, reality is that he has goneo ut with several girls after you. And you have not really dated much.. See what's out there and the decision will be so much easier I promise!

[clandestine1]

... Its been a really crappy day.

I have days, sometimes long periods, where I don't think about my ex at all. I don't concentrate on missing his friendship, our past relationship, last summer when we became reacquainted, any of it. That day was today...

... and then his girlfriend came into the clothing store I work at. She knows where I work, and she tried on some stuff with 2 friends, then, came out and was looking around. Then, I hear from my friend his girlfriend went the store (in another mall) my friend works out, gave her a rude look, then left shortly after, making sure to turn around and look at her again.

I have LEFT MY EX ALONE. I haven't contacted him since he's been with her, and I don't go to my former workplace because I respect that she works there now and I do not. You can call it coincidence, but coincidence or not, seeing her just brought it all back. She's younger than me by almost 2 years, she seems like a nice girl otherwise, but its like, you got the guy. Just leave me alone. Today just sucked. Plain and simple.

[Inspired]

You sound like a very mature young lady. By the way you write I can tell that you must be a very smart woman that is going to go places in life. You don't need this looser. I know you said he's a good guy but good guys do not put you down and say mean things to you like he did. He really seems that he has a lot of growing up to do. He is not ready for a relationship. I really think you are handling this great. Enjoy college life, go out with friends, meet new people, join a academic sorority or club(if you are not already in one). Hes not for you because he needs to grow up and who knows if that will ever happen.

[clandestine1]

You sound like a very mature young lady. By the way you write I can tell that you must be a very smart woman that is going to go places in life. You don't need this looser. I know you said hes a good guy but good guys do not put you down and say mean things to you like he did. He really seems that he has a lot of growing up to do. He is not ready for a relationship. I really think you are handling this great. Enjoy college life, go out with friends, meet new people, join a academic sorority or club(if you are not already in one). Hes not for you because he needs to grow up and who knows if that will ever happen.

I mean this with no disrespect, just very curious. I appreciate your kind words, and your advice because I have been much more social lately. I've been hanging out with co-workers in social situations I wouldn't have been involved in before, and I've made a ton of new friends. I am constantly running around, and am best described as "perky" to the outsider, but its those moments I'm alone that I really let things settle in, you know?

My question is this: If he's not ready for a relationship, how is it he's in one and has been for 6 months with this girl? I have a firm security as far as knowing what I stand for and I know that I am a good person; however, seeing his new girlfriend in front of me was like a slap in the face. This girl has the ability to make me feel very self-conscious and I size myself up to her. She's almost 2 years younger, she's well-endowed where I am flatter chested, she has a larger frame whereas I'm average and in better shape. Yet still... I feel insecure in her presence, and this is the 2nd time I've seen the girl in person. Because the one thought that resonates is: He chose her over me.

[clandestine1]

**bumping This Thread**