[adviceplease23]

This is my first post and I would love a lot of help from the community, so thank you in advance for your replies. This might be long but I need help... please.

Backstory:
I am 23 years old and I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years and 6 months.

When we met, it was the start of university and I was not looking for a relationship. Her and I slept together and when she said she wanted to be together I said no (I wanted casual relationships and to date a lot of people). Over the next couple of months she was always around and was pestering me and pestering me to be with her. I liked her a lot and eventually said yes. This turned into a relationship that was always up and down... mostly down. She would constantly and randomly get mad at me about the fact that I had sex with several people before her, she told me how she missed her ex boyfriend, she would get insanely intoxicated and say hurtful things, she calls me stupid constantly, she is always jealous even for no reason, doesn't want me to hang out with my friends, doesn't HAVE friends herself (she has a couple that she will grab a coffee with but no one to talk to other than me), and she is always telling me she wants to break up but never will and will never let me leave if I try to walk out (she stands in front of the door.

I used to be a guy that would stand up for myself and leave a situation if this happened to me, I was confident, had many friends, was constantly out and playing sports, etc. NOW I am a wuss under her thumb... and I don't know what has happened to me. She has called me fat and ugly to the point where I do not even take my shirt off in public anymore at the beach or pool cause I feel gross, and I don't stand up for myself in any situation as I can't deal with another argument.

Currently, we are long distance and have done this over the summers every year in school. It is always awful because she NEEDS to talk to me every night around her schedule (like 11pm) so I can't really even go out with my friends and then complains when I have nothing to say on the phone (what kind of stuff can I say EVERY night that isn't repetitive?? ). She gets mad at me for going out with friends and is always trying to control every part of my life.

This has gone on for our entire relationship, but things have changed now... my lack of speaking up lead me into moving in with her for the last semester of school. However, as soon as I moved my stuff into the house I felt sick, felt like crying, couldn't eat, was always cold (when it was hot) and I was vomitting... I was having an anxiety attack because all I could think of was being stuck. So I told her I got a job back home that was too good to pass up. Now I am back home doing the long distance thing again but I feel stuck and I am dreading having to move back in with her in the fall.

I love her (for whatever reason) but I feel like I can't do this, but I also feel powerless and like I can't break up with her, or like I need her permission to leave her. My mom is saying things like "I support whatever choice you make, but I can see you never leaving her and being forced into marrying her and wasting the next 20 years of your life on a mistake" so that makes me feel awful and like a wuss too. Any time I have started breaking up with her she starts crying and saying "why dont you love me?" or "so you dont even love me anymore?" and I fold.. I tell her I do, and that I don't think that we are good together and that we need to move on, but she doesn't let me leave and then I get exhausted from the fight and finally say "I am sorry I dont want to break up" and then I am back to square one... but then she gets angry at me for saying I wanted to break up... like wth.


I don't want to waste my life unhappy. But why can't I move on and say "F it" and "I am leaving you " and get out?? I feel so stuck now that my stuff is at her apartment and I am looking for any way out of this depression that has been caused by it. I feel powerless, stuck and worthless.

The only thing that helps is being home with my mom, sister and friends and away from her. But I still have constant anxiety when I am alone and I always feel like I am an inch away from breaking down.

Help, please. ANY reply, advice, or even something similar that has happened to you will help me. I just need someone to talk to me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because they either get annoyed by me or don't understand.

Thank you,

M

[talaniman]

When you get tired of yourself and her you will make changes. What else do you want to talk about?

[Alty]

This is an abusive relationship. When you're done with the abuse, even if it's not physical, but emotional, you'll leave. Doesn't seem like you've hit rock bottom yet.

You said it yourself. You don't want to live an unhappy life. You're not happy with this girl, so why are you still with her? Because she blocks the door? You're in a long distance relationship now. There's no one blocking the door. You have the choice, go back, or leave. What's holding you back?

This relationship is toxic. The sooner you leave, the better you'll feel, but you have to be the one to decide. We can't find your backbone. We can't find your strength. That's up to you.

[smoothy]

Walk away from her... eventually she's going to get the message... MAYBE. In the meantime, nobody (male or female) needs to put up with a control freak. There are plenty of OTHER people that aren't like that.

[ma0641]

Say " So long it's been good to know ya".

[DoulaLC]

You probably don't leave because a) you don't want to upset or hurt her and b) the pattern is a known routine, however uncomfortable it may be.

Being as it is currently the long distance part of the relationship, you have an out. Get the courage to tell her that while you love her, you just don't see it being a long term relationship any longer so you are ending it. Blame it on not being ready for a serious relationship. Then leave her alone. Do not answer calls, return text messages, contact her or respond to any of her attempts to contact you. Block any means that she might have to contact you... facebook, etc.

Sure she will be upset for awhile, it's only natural, but she will move on and so will you. Sooner or later you will meet someone who truly cares about you, and shows it in both their actions and their words.

Loving someone does not mean that they are a good partner for you.

[Oliver2011]

Ewwwww. Why in the world would you stay with someone like that? What you have isn't a relationship. It's an abusive'ship. You have waisted 3.5 years and no you aren't stuck. When she calls you you do the talking. Say "I don't like the way you treat me. I deserve better. Have a good life." Then hang up the phone.

Learn from this. She gave you a peak at her true self from the very beginning. Controlling behaviors do not go away as the relationship progresses. They get worse.