[damnineedhelp]

Hello!
I live in Romania. I met a girl about 2 months ago. When I met her, she had already decided that she wants to give up her job and move to London. After a month we got into a relationship, and now, she is in London. It's been around 1 week and a half since she left. I really like her, she really likes me (I think, at least). We have so much in common and I can really feel a chemistry going on. She said she wanted to move to London because she had no more motivation in Bucharest. Now I don't know what to say, because she had a decent job here. I can actually say she had a good salary, and her own place. Now she lives in London at some friends where she can stay 1 month, and then she has to rent a place. Now I know London is cool and stuff, but I tried to somehow tell her that she is doing a mistake because it is hard to find a decent job due to the competition in London. Not to mention how expensive rents are. Now she is looking for a job, but didn't t get any replies yet.

She told me that she misses her home, the people, etc and that she would even come back if she had the guarantee that i want to do something with my life (I must admit, I am 28, and thanks to my parents, I have all that I need, therefore I don't struggle in life. I work, but it is not a difficult job and my parents still help me from time to time with money. I guess she wants, as she told me a couple of days ago, to grow up, to get a proper job, do something with my life, not just let it pass by me. Although I told her: why should I struggle just because other people aren't as lucky as I am? Should I feel bad for them and try to be like them?).

My question is: what shall I do? I cannot guarantee that if she comes back to me, everything will be alright. I mean, we could break up, I don't know, the second day. I am supposed to go and visit her for a weekend next month. I would really like to have a relationship with her, but I don't know what do to in this situation.

[Oliver2011]

"I cannot guarantee that if she comes back to me,everything will be allright.I mean,we could break up,I don't know, the second day."

Well at least you know that going in. And honestly, that is true in every relationship.

Two months is not a long time to be in a relationship. You both are still getting to know each other. Just let that process happen and see where it takes you. Keep the lines of communication open and talk to each other about expectations and where you want the relationship to go.

[Jake2008]

It seems that you and this girl are polar opposites. She wants an independent life, and to pay her own way. You on the other hand, have an easy life, with your parents (do you still live with them?), helping you out, so you don't have to have the kind of life she wants.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to support yourself, set goals for your own life, live independently, and pay your own way.

I don't know how a relationship could possibly fit in with each of your circumstances. She has let you know that she expects you to grow up, and work hard to provide a living for yourself, without help from your parents. Who can blame her.

If the two of you continue as it is now, she will eventually grow tired of you not yet being out of the starting gate to adulthood.

If you want a serious relationship with her, you have to be more independent of your parents. Realize that they are not doing you any favours by allowing you to to accept support from them. If the two of you end up living together, the situation is hardly equal economically, let alone, your goals (do you have any?) and her goals are entirely different. She wants to live her life, and move forward into the future by working hard. You are quite content to maintain your current situation.

You have two choices then. Stay your ground, or, change.

[damnineedhelp]

It seems that you and this girl are polar opposites. She wants an independent life, and to pay her own way. You on the other hand, have an easy life, with your parents (do you still live with them?), helping you out, so you don't have to have the kind of life she wants.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to support yourself, set goals for your own life, live independently, and pay your own way.

I don't know how a relationship could possibly fit in with each of your circumstances. She has let you know that she expects you to grow up, and work hard to provide a living for yourself, without help from your parents. Who can blame her.

If the two of you continue as it is now, she will eventually grow tired of you not yet being out of the starting gate to adulthood.

If you want a serious relationship with her, you have to be more independent of your parents. Realize that they are not doing you any favours by allowing you to to accept support from them. If the two of you end up living together, the situation is hardly equal economically, let alone, your goals (do you have any?) and her goals are entirely different. She wants to live her life, and move forward into the future by working hard. You are quite content to maintain your current situation.

You have two choices then. Stay your ground, or, change.

Nop,I don't live with my aprents anymore. But what is the pointof making my life harder for no reason? Just to end up,let's say, working in a corporate? I mean, By the way things go, I hope/think that I will make waaaaay more money by standing next to my father (business wise) then by working for a corporation. And in the end,what do women want? A home/kids/comfort( =money) or a life where you struggle to pay your bills and get to go out only now and then?

I mean, I am pretty sure that if I started telling her to come back, that everything will be OK, until she finds a job back here she can stay at my place, I'll lend her money whenever she needs, she will come back. But.. Would that be correct? How can I know if I will be able to handle all of these? I mean, as Oliver2011 we are at the beginning, so the future is extremely incertain. But,at the same time, I really like her, and to be honest, in the end, if we want to have a future together, either she will have to come back to me or I would have to move to London. And honestly, leaving all the comfort behind ( have my own place, in London owning a house is pretty expensive; having all the money I need from my parents, won't happen in London, since I go there to make my own life)doesn't seem very appealing).

[J_9]

This is coming from a woman...

We want men who can make their own money and not depend on others to pay their way. We want strong independent men, not men who rely on family to help them get by.

If you have an inheritance, that's all well and good, but to depend on your parent's money is not something a strong independent woman is interested in.

I would like to add that the title of your post states "how to deal with a long term relationship." Two months isn't long term. It's barely enough time to get to know each other. Heck, two months isn't even a relationship!

I'm guessing you mean a "long distance" relationship.

[Mingjiangwang]

L think what we should do is honest to the one you are interested in,and think what she or he thinks and do what he or she wants do ,and love one loves,all in all,give more care to the one.

[talaniman]

Your goal of getting her to stop her plan and be dependent on you after only 2 months of knowing each other is a it selfish and unrealistic. At this time she would be foolish to give you what you want and ignore what she wants. After just 2 months this isn't a long term relationship just a long distant new one. Its just getting to know more about each other and distance makes it hard.

If I were you, I would be supportive and not press her to change her plans, since you both think the other should be doing something different from what they are doing now. You cannot just date and have fun getting to know each other because the distance won't let you, so make those contacts, by phone or online whatever, count as a good time to look forward to, not a conflict over who gives in to the other. I suspect you both are just playing around to have something to do until something better comes along and have to different ideas how to build your lives, and are not willing to change for each other.

She has only been gone a week or two, so I wouldn't be raining on her parade about her dumb plan and come home to you just yet. You have not gotten to that level yet, nor will you as long as your easy life is with your parents is something she doesn't see as a future for herself. She just isn't that kind of person and I doubt she changes into one anytime soon.

After two months it's just go with the flow and see what happens, and enjoy it while you can. No pressure, no promises. Make this a big conflict about her coming home to you, and you can forget any good outcome. It's already enough of a strain with distance without you adding to it. Let her try to do her thing her way, and be glad for her.

[damnineedhelp]

She said she would come back if we started a relation together.and obviously one of us has to make a move.because long distance relations don't work.how could they work? Now she is pretty enthusiastic.so she won't come back very soon.how can you be in a relation with someone you don't get to see/touch? Not to mention the trust issues that may occur.

Your goal of getting her to stop her plan and be dependent on you after only 2 months of knowing each other is a it selfish and unrealistic. At this time she would be foolish to give you what you want and ignore what she wants. After just 2 months this isn't a long term relationship just a long distant new one. Its just getting to know more about each other and distance makes it hard.

If I were you, I would be supportive and not press her to change her plans, since you both think the other should be doing something different from what they are doing now. You cannot just date and have fun getting to know each other because the distance won't let you, so make those contacts, by phone or online whatever, count as a good time to look forward to, not a conflict over who gives in to the other. I suspect you both are just playing around to have something to do until something better comes along and have to different ideas how to build your lives, and are not willing to change for each other.

She has only been gone a week or two, so I wouldn't be raining on her parade about her dumb plan and come home to you just yet. You have not gotten to that level yet, nor will you as long as your easy life is with your parents is something she doesn't see as a future for herself. She just isn't that kind of person and I doubt she changes into one anytime soon.

After two months it's just go with the flow and see what happens, and enjoy it while you can. No pressure, no promises. Make this a big conflict about her coming home to you, and you can forget any good outcome. It's already enough of a strain with distance without you adding to it. Let her try to do her thing her way, and be glad for her.

[talaniman]

You think you may have gotten attached to this relationship idea, too fast, and are pushing too hard at this time?

Seems clear she isn't coming back soon. You have no relationship, just a hope of one. Relax and enjoy your life and your distant text buddy. She is exploring her world and seeing her options, and opportunities where she is. You should be doing the same where you are. You are right, she doesn't want to come home now, for you or anyone else.

Why should she? Get real, you offer her nothing to change that. Accept it, and do your thing. Like she is. Now is not your time. It happens.

[damnineedhelp]

Not sure I got that right.but I understood that either you tell me to become friends rather then long distance lovers or to go along with it, meaning texting talking on the phone and getting on with my life.but.. what s the point? I mean.. eventually one of us is going to cheat.am I right?

You think you may have gotten attached to this relationship idea, too fast, and are pushing too hard at this time?

Seems clear she isn't coming back soon. You have no relationship, just a hope of one. Relax and enjoy your life and your distant text buddy. She is exploring her world and seeing her options, and opportunities where she is. You should be doing the same where you are. You are right, she doesn't want to come home now, for you or anyone else.

Why should she? Get real, you offer her nothing to change that. Accept it, and do your thing. Like she is. Now is not your time. It happens.

[talaniman]

Cheating requires a relationship, and you both seem to be single so what's with this cheating nonsense?

[damnineedhelp]

Well... we both want a relationship.that is for sure. We talk daily, actually several times a day.so I could say that we have a long distant reltion.only for 1 month now, but... still it counts.

Cheating requires a relationship, and you both seem to be single so what's with this cheating nonsense?

[DoulaLC]

Maybe you both need to slow things down. She already had plans when you met. If you want to be supportive of her, support her in her goals and dreams. Be careful that you aren't trying to persuade her to come back. Let the relationship build through your daily communication. If it's going to lead to something more serious, then it will. No one needs to make big decisions about moving here or there at this stage.

It is understandable that she is a bit homesick and missing what she was used to. She is going through a big transition in her life. She has already said she might come back if you could guarantee that you would do something with your life. Well, the two of you don't agree with how that should be done so you can't really give her that sort of a guarantee. For now it will simply have to remain long distance.

Cheating is not inevitable just because you are apart. Long distance relationships can, and do, work when both people share the same feelings about it. If you find that you truly are serious about the relationship, then you won't cheat. If you find that you might want to spend time getting to know someone you happen to meet, then you'll know the relationship is not as serious as you had thought.

Go and visit her as planned. Enjoy London, enjoy spending time with her. Maybe by that time you will both have a better idea of whether this is something the two of you want to put the effort into making it work... maybe you'll decide either of you would be giving up more than you are willing to at this point. Either way is okay. You'll either have a growing relationship to focus on, or you'll have learned something more about yourself and move on to meet someone else.

[talaniman]

At this time it doesn't appear that a relationship with you is her highest priority. Especially if she gets a job soon. I have read your other posts and easy ain't what woman are about. You should know that.

[damnineedhelp]

Yea,you are right... then I guessi'll follow your advice. Go along with thiss "relation", but I will keep my eyes open for other " opportunities"/ Thanks a lot

At this time it doesn't appear that a relationship with you is her highest priority. Especially if she gets a job soon. I have read your other posts and easy ain't what woman are about. You should know that.

[joypulv]

'But what is the pointof making my life harder for no reason?'

There is a reason - her. You can't have anything in life both ways. If women tend to want men who are resourceful and independent, and you don't want to be that kind of man, then wait for the rare woman who does or live without one.

Now if your father has his own business and you work for him, that's good. You can learn a lot and ask for more and more responsibility.

[damnineedhelp]

Here is the story: met a girl and after a month she moved to London. I came on Thursday to visit her after 1 month and of course I couldn't trust her. After she fell asleep I looked into her phone, and damn!! 1) I saw a conversation between her and a guy she met through some friends from London.and it was more than a flirt. Such as: how experienced are you etc. 2) a conversation between her and her girlfriends where she was telling them that she met a guy who is very sexual and would want to meet with him on Saturday, only that she needs to get rid of me.

On Saturday she works. She told him they could meet during her 1hr break. I didn't t tell her that I know. At first I asked her if she would want to eat during her break on Saturday because on Saturday I will just walk around London. She said yes, but her break is only 1/2 hour. Not to mention that I paid for the hotel (of course I couldn't have asked her to pay since she has a place to stay) and that I don t know anyone here. So if I were to tell her to go, I would remain alone until Monday when I have my plane.

I told her I looked through her mobile phone. She didn't even apologize. I just asked her how could you have such a conversation with that guy while we were together in the room? So help, what shall I do? I would start a huge fight tonight and insult her.

[smoothy]

Just walk away from her and forget about her... you see how she is... do you honestly think she's going to change? There is nothing to "win" here.

Count your blessing you found out this soon.

[damnineedhelp]

Of course I willl do that.but if I tell her now it is over.I don t want to see you.what shall I do another 3 days in london?:)

[Homegirl 50]

Of course I willl do that.but if I tell her now it is over.I don t want to see you.what shall I do another 3 days in london?:)

You go sightseeing and enjoy yourself. So you would stay with her just to have something to do? That is pitiful. How long did you know this girl?