[BigUps]

Hi all

Recently (a week and a half ago to be exact) my girlfriend/partner of two and a half years broke up with me. Preceding this, she had moved out a week before after we found out that we were getting kicked out of our apartment in a couple of months. My world has been turned upside down (it was very sudden and unexpected for me), but there are a lot of good things coming out of it too (more on this later).

We were in a very loving relationship right up until the last few weeks. We were both very supportive of each, she had some issues, I had some issues, but we were always there for each other and had got through some tough life-experiences together successfully. We were a really good match. We genuinely loved each other.

I understand some of the problems that caused it, and take responsibility for a lot of them. It's tough but I'm manning up and mentally doing it. I'm still surprised and confused as to some of the reasons though... we haven't talked about it much, and the last time we spoke was at the break up which was pretty emotional.

So to the gist of it. I've been trying to deal with it. Trying to accept it. Trying to understand it. Trying to move on. It was a turning point in my life and has caused a great deal of GOOD changes in me... got a new job after being unemployed for 5 months, started going to the gym each day (which I'm loving), eating very well. Going out with friends and enjoying people's company. Completely got off a certain drug which was controlling my life and holding me back (and feeling great for it).

I'm applying no contact. As I mentioned, we haven't communicated since the break up. This is after living every day together for 2 years, sharing everything with each other, so it's hard for me but I've been strong so far. The problem is that I'm trying REALLY hard to be doing all these good things for myself, but deep inside I know that part of the reason I'm doing them is to get her back.

I've read a lot of threads here and understand that I need to move on and live for myself, that it's very unlikely that we'll get back together. I'm trying to do this. But at the same time I know that once I get my life completely back together, I'm going to want to contact her and show her all the good things that I've done for myself. Hoping that she'll see this and maybe give the relationship another chance. I know in a few weeks I'll call her and ask if we can have coffee so we can catch up and I can try to charm her back.

Is this normal? I want to get over it and not feel this way, but I'm having real trouble getting in the right mindset for it, even with all the positive things I'm doing. I feel so torn between completely severing contact for good and thinking that it's too important to throw away like that.

Heck, I don't really know what I'm asking of you guys even. But if there's any advice to be given it would be appreciated :)

If you read this far, thanks for your patience.

[friend4u178]

Hi Bigups
Everything your feeling is quite normal in this early stage of the break-up.

It's not easy but you seem to have your head screwed on and understand what you need to do. That's a very positive step compared to so many people who come on here and hang on to false hope for months on end and never get anywhere in their healing process.

There's no secret to getting started with your NC , you simply decide and then take your first step. With each subsequent step, the next one becomes easier..

Good luck and just come back and vent when you need people to talk to , there are many wise heads on here who have been where you are now.

[Gemini54]

Sounds to me like you're doing really well.

What I've found useful from experience thought is that it's unwise to 'project' too far into the future.

At an emotional time like this, we want, naturally, to know that life has some reason and some security. This is why you're thinking - 'hey, I'll get my s**t together and when she sees me again she won't be able to resist me'.

Feeling torn and upset about what you've lost is natural. So is having mixed feelings about how you should approach your GF in the future.

It's only been a week and a half. You say you're in NC. I'd suggest that you don't contact her until you can think more clearly, and until you're prepared - not to try and get back together - but to talk honestly about the reasons for your break up and to understand what happened.

Try to do things for yourself rather than to impress her, try to give yourself time to reflect on how your actions have created this situation, and, try not to rush the outcome - whatever it may be.

[Triysle]

You're making good progress, but I want to isolate one of your statements that sent up a red flag for me -

"But at the same time I know that once I get my life completely back together, I'm going to want to contact her and show her all the good things that I've done for myself."

This is NOT right approach for you right now. You need to focus on getting better for yourself. I know that you want to show her that you've become a better person, but if she wants you back she will contact you first.

'But how will she know if I don't contact her?' That's what you're thinking, right? Look, you know how you checked her myspace/facebook page every 15 minutes or so when you first broke up? You know how you talked to your friends about the situation? Well, she did the same thing, on some level. You are not responsible for letting her know about how much you've improved, and if you try to show her when she's not ready to accept you yet it's just gonna push her away.

She will hear about you, or even seek you out at some point, if she's ever interested in trying something again. But if you try to force it, it's going to show her that you're still insecure and still trying to control the situation (trust me, I've been accused of that enough to know!).

Keep on track (especially with the gym/working out plan, that always really helped me) and improve yourself for yourself, not for her.

~ Tee

[BigUps]

Thanks for the comments. It all seems like really good advice. I kind of think that I'm still in the "shock" phase. I'm trying not to make too many life decisions at the moment because I know that even though I'm doing good things, they're being done with a survival instinct rather than rational thoughts. Gee's this stuff is tough, this was my first major relationship of my life (I'm 28) and I simply haven't had to go through this before and don't know how to react.

In regards to your comment Gemini "'hey, I'll get my s**t together and when she sees me again she won't be able to resist me" I honestly don't think that way... sorry if it came off like that. I honestly doubt she'll come back to me and have never had the confidence to think that anyone couldn't resist me. It's just that faint glimmer of hope that allows me to stay positive at times and helps me along with the things that I'm doing (by the way, hello to a fellow Victorian! I'm a Melbournite and love this city :) )

I removed her from my Facebook as soon as we broke up so I haven't been checking her page. I have the horrible feeling that she'll be saying "yay i'm so glad that I'm single now" or even worse "i'm now seeing another guy who is better and making me happy" which would hurt so much more. So I guess that's one of the reasons no contact is recommended for the healing process.

I went out tonight to try and have fun... but it back-fired and now I'm home feeling drunk and pathetic and alone. I'm going to have to learn how to live my life again without her, and can tell it's going to to be a long road. Not trying to fish for sympathy here just venting a bit as friend4u178 recommended. Oh well it's nice to put this down in words and my next post will probably be at least sober so not sound so stupid! I'm off to bed. Good night and thanks again for the advice.

[Triysle]

I removed her from my facebook as soon as we broke up so I haven't been checking her page. I have the horrible feeling that she'll be saying "yay i'm so glad that I'm single now" or even worse "i'm now seeing another guy who is better and making me happy" which would hurt so much more. So I guess thats one of the reasons why no contact is recommended for the healing process.

I know it's hard to accept yourself right now, but you need to realize that a breakup is never one person's fault. It takes two people to form a relationship, and it takes two people to end it. Stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong and realize that you don't need to be in a relationship with her, or with anyone. Learn to be happy with yourself and your life as it is, or improve your own life to your satisfaction. Check the "List of things to do after a break up" for a few ideas.

If she does realize that she's happy to be single, or is happy with another man, no big deal. She's going on with her life, and you need to do the same. It's not about "playing it cool to get her back." You need to focus on your own life right now and forget about hers.

I know it's hard. I'm literally in that position right now, but you have to realize your own self-worth and take control of your own life.

~ Tee

[Romefalls19]

Sorry for your loss, please read the stickies. Don't put your life on hold waiting for her to come around because she most likely will not be coming around.

[busterite]

You are definitely on the right path, all you need now is more time doing everything you've been doing since the break up. After a week and a half I still wasn't able to sleep properly or eat a whole meal so it sounds like you are definitely taking big steps here.

One thing you need to keep in mind is that you need to maintain NC no matter what and try to come into terms with the idea of her not coming back. This will also help you with the idea of doing all those things to get her back. You should really be thinking that you are doing all those things for yourself. You are going through an emotional rollercoaster at the moment but things will get better and you will learn to live your life without her. As long as you have the will to get through this it will all work out for you.

[talaniman]

Your doing good for yourself, and I'm almost positive, when you do get your act together, you will remember how she left when the going got tough.

[BigUps]

So today I found out that it was likely she cheated on me a few weeks before we broke up (I didn't find out through contact with her FYI). This is something that has been on the back of my mind but hasn't been something I put much thought into as I saw it as being very unlikely.

It fills some of the holes in my confusion around the break up. Makes things make a little more sense.

Its extremely painful and I'm running the gamut of emotions... I cried for a good hour by myself earlier today. But I think this is going to actually help me with keeping up the no contact. Maybe help with the entire process. Now along with the sadness and grief and loss I'm feeling a good bit of anger.

At the moment I don't feel like I want to contact her, even when I've got my life back together fully. I want her to come crawling back to me at some point in the future, see what she's missing, and then shoot her down and tell her to f**k off. I still take responsibility for some of the reasons of the breakup, but hey life is a learning experience and now I know not to do those things again in my next relationship.

I'm sure my emotions will change again, maybe tomorrow I won't feel like this, maybe next week, whatever. But I genuinely think this anger is going to help me get through it.

I'm still really uncertain and scared about my future but at least it will be my future, and hopefully it won't have unfaithful cheating hairy sluts in it. Maybe I'm naïve but I hope there is such a thing as true love and I can eventually find it in someone else.

[susangpyp]

It sounds like you are in the throes of the emotions of grief. Right now anger is overriding everything else. Give yourself time and attention to get over it and to cycle through all of the feelings you have while continuing to move forward. 3.5 weeks is NOT a long time... you will be feeling things for a while to come. Just don't act out in anger or shut yourself off in hurt. Know that it's a process and you need to go through it but you WILL come out on the other side. Be good to you!

[BigUps]

Well just an update here. The strong anger I was feeling when I last posted has been fading. Guess there really are "phases" to this stuff. The grief and sadness is still there and some days it's still very very hard and have been trying to take it an hour at a time to get through. Also some days are better, especially when I've been out doing something fun with good friends.

I was made redundant from my professional job a while back and still looking in a very tough job market. I can't wait to start working again as it will keep me busy and give me quite a bit of self-respect and dignity back that this situation has taken away from me. Went to two interviews last week for a job at a big bank so wish me luck with it!

I've had a great deal of anxiety over this whole period. Heart beating too fast, sweating, shaking, that kind of thing. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone, it's something that I've had problems with in the past. Just wanted to chip in something that I've found helped with the anxiety... herbal tea! A cup of hot peppermint tea is really relaxing and warms you up inside which is a great feeling (it's almost winter here in Australia). If anyone is feeling anxious, give it a shot. Certainly better than coffee which I find just makes me more jittery.

[ajGambino]

Thanks for the suggestions on the tea BigUps, though, I live down in south Texas so you can imagine the heat and humidity during the day. Congrats on your professional job, hope to see you do well when time passes.

Don't worry man, all this pain and suffering will make us stronger in the long run.

To be a great fighter you need to overcome great obstacles. Well, guess what... we're in luck.

[susangpyp]

Don't worry man, all this pain and suffering will make us stronger in the long run.

To be a great fighter you need to overcome great obstacles. Well, guess what...we're in luck.

That's very true and it's hard to hold onto (or even care about) when you're in great pain. But the only way out is through and when you come out on the other side you will know that you are a stronger and better person. Tough to hear when you're in the thick of it but hang in there. You're doing great!

[makapuu]

It seems like you were in a rut and now your out. I'd say keep going. You'll find someone that appreciates your determination in self-improvement.

[snow124]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm still really uncertain and scared about my future but at least it will be my future, and hopefully it won't have unfaithful cheating hairy sluts in it. Maybe I'm naïve but I hope there is such a thing as true love and I can eventually find it in someone else.

Sums up my thoughts on my recently-ended relationship as well (except the hairy part.. ). You're going to be going through a lot, including anger, but harboring that resentment for long won't be beneficial. Trust me.

[susangpyp]

You had a terrible trauma. Anyone who is traumatized and deals with it alone suffers personality and emotional setbacks. Overcoming trauma is exceedingly difficult and you are committed to doing that.

You have been through a lot. We all deserve a partner who can support us and be there for us and understand when we are not being our best because terrible things have happened.

A good and loving partner is what you deserve. This person is not it. He can't handle it. That doesn't mean he's a horrible person but you deserve so much more.

Celebrate you instead of trying to prove to him that you're changing back to who you were. Give yourself INCREDIBLE amounts of credit for being a survivor and being willing to THRIVE after such horrible events.

He doesn't appreciate the wonderful resilient person you are. I hope you find someone who does. Forget him. Go on and be good to you.

[BigUps]

Sorry to hear about your situation.


Sums up my thoughts on my recently-ended relationship as well (except the hairy part...?). You're going to be going through a lot, including anger, but harboring that resentment for long won't be beneficial. Trust me.

Well, not like a monkey or anything, but certain parts could have been trimmed a little more often.. ;)

And yeah as I mentioned in the previous post, the anger is already fading and I know it won't be something that consumes me. Am a bit concerned though with the anger going that it will make no contact harder to maintain. It's still a daily battle... just over two weeks now. I'm sure others in the situation feel the same but isn't it weird how two weeks literally feels like 6 months or more... the mind sure is a funny thing.

[ajGambino]

Thinking about it can hurt you or help you. Remember, she left YOU and she ran because things got a little out of control. Shows how committed she was and you should constantly think about how you tried and she fled. Think about her as she gives it, a coward unable to hold true to you and herself.

You deserve better, she lost something she will never find again my friend. It's her loss, not yours.

[friend4u178]

Well just an update here. The strong anger I was feeling when I last posted has been fading. Guess there really are "phases" to this stuff.

I've posted this before but there are basically 5 stages in the break-up process. Not the same for everyone but as a Rule this is generally how it works.

The 5 Stages of Grief - Coping with the Loss of your Partner

1.Denial - The "No, not me" stage.

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

2.Anger/Resentment - The "Why me?" stage.

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain.

3. Bargaining - The "If I do this, you'll do that" stage.

You try to negotiate to change the situation. You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay I'll change" etc.

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

You realize the situation isn't going to change. The break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

5. Acceptance - The "This is what happened" stage.

Though you haven't forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.