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helpmefindhope · Apr 28, 2014, 07:05 AM

Hi, I am a 40-something year old male. I have been in a relationship with a 30-something year old female. The circumstances surrounding the beginning of our relationship were somewhat complicated as I was recently divorced and dating another woman and she had been separated from her husband for almost two years. At the time, she lived nearly four hours away and I didn't know if a long distance relationship would ever work and like I said I was in an already rocky relationship with a girl I had been dating. I never told her about my girlfriend at the time mainly because I was unsure of how, if at all, it would work.

Two weeks after we initially met I could not get her out of my head and she contacted me because apparently she couldn't forget about me either. We decided that we wanted a relationship and I broke up with the girl I had been dating. She was everything I had ever wanted: beautiful, loving and funny. A month after we started our relationship she had a hysterectomy and struggled taking care of her two young boys let alone herself. I asked her to move in with me so I could take care of her and help her with the boys which she did. We had been living together for almost two month when she found out about my ex-girlfriend and as a result was very angry. I tried to explain to her that the relationship had already been on the rocks well before I met her and that I didn't tell her about it because I was too busy trying to move forward and build our relationship plus I didn't want to hurt what we had. She took it very hard almost to the point of leaving me. We got engaged and everything seemed to settle down until one night she admitted to me that she had slept with her estranged husband during the two weeks after we initially met. I thought it was strange that she made such a big deal about my relationship when she was virtually doing the same thing. Of course afterwards, I was very apprehensive about her meeting with her estranged husband alone, but she assured me that there was nothing between them.

A little less than a month ago, she confided in me that when her friend came down to visit late one night that she had called her estranged and she had told him that she loved him but she was drunk. But it gets better, after prying a little more she admitted sleeping with him in November (it being March at the time) when I was away and he came to visit the kids. Of course, I was floored. I couldn't believe it. She said she was sorry and that it was a big mistake that she would never repeat.

Being the suspicious person that I am, about a week later I hacked her email and found that there were emails sent back and forth between them with sexual videos and pictures and comments in January. I was livid. I confronted her with these and she admitted that she did it and said she was sorry again. I told her that I wanted her to call her estranged husband and tell him that it was over which she did. He also texted me said that what they did was “dumb” and that she told him it was over because she loved me.

Just to make it clear, I have been faithful to her since we began our relationship. We are still together, but I will have to admit that there are days where my mind wanders and I wonder why it all happened and whether it will happen again.

Any advice? What do I do now?

Fr_Chuck · Apr 28, 2014, 07:17 AM

Four hours away is not a long distance relationship. Not really, it is just harder but it is possible to see each other.

You act like hacking someone email is just the normal thing to do ? There is trust lost, there was no real honesty starting the relationship.

Perhaps counseling, since you have serious issue as does she. Both of you need to work on this

odinn7 · Apr 28, 2014, 08:10 AM

She did it numerous times, even after you knew and she told you it wouldn't happen again. So what do you think? Is she someone you can trust? Doesn't sound like it to me.

As a side- Fr_Chuck is right about trust issues although I can almost understand why you checked her email...but just the fact that you did shows that you don't trust her and you probably never will. Is that a foundation for a healthy relationship? I doubt it. Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering if she's messing around? That part is up to you how you handle it.

helpmefindhope · Apr 28, 2014, 10:16 AM

Just to be clear, I discovered the emails which were exchanged in January about a week after I found out about the occasion that occurred in November . I don't know if that makes a difference or not. I have read somewhere that people that cheat may not tell all the details for fear of losing their significant other or that it may become too uncomfortable to for the cheated-on partner to hear.

smoothy · Apr 28, 2014, 10:41 AM

THere aren't any women that are closer than four hours away to you?

helpmefindhope · Apr 28, 2014, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

THere aren't any women that are closer than four hours away to you?

Sure there are, but now she and her two boys live with me as I mentioned in the post.

smoothy · Apr 28, 2014, 10:50 AM

I missed that the first time through the post.

That was awefully quick timeframe to make the leap of moving in together and getting engaged. WHen people move in together before really getting to know each other first (that just doesn't happen in months, it takes a few years)... all sorts of things usually happen... like this.

Personally....I think you both jumped intothis way too fast.....now you are finding out what each of you really is like ....because you both had unrealistic idiolized concepts of who the other person was....

Reality has a way of waking you up like an unexpected kick in the gut. My opinion....with problems like this on both sides......problems you both are having trouble dealing with...the relationship is doomed and was never strong enough to lead to either being engaged OR living together...much less both.

Seriously.....23 years of marriage and three years of dating before that.....I haven't had this sort of drama in my life with my wife.......OH, I had my share of drama with previous girlfriends....thats why I never married any of them.

helpmefindhope · Apr 28, 2014, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by odinn7

She did it numerous times, even after you knew and she told you it wouldn't happen again. So what do you think? Is she someone you can trust? Doesn't sound like it to me.

As a side- Fr_Chuck is right about trust issues although I can almost understand why you checked her email...but just the fact that you did shows that you don't trust her and you probably never will. Is that a foundation for a healthy relationship? I doubt it. Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering if she's messing around? That part is up to you how you handle it.

I knew what her email password was so I really didn't "hack" it. Although, she did use the word "hack" when I confronted her with it.

odinn7 · Apr 28, 2014, 10:53 AM

That doesn't change what I said...you have to decide if you will be able to trust her from here on out. We can't decide that for you. If you can't trust her, then you need to end it. If you can trust her, then you can't keep doubting her. It's tough but trust is an easy thing to break but difficult to restore.

Oliver2011 · Apr 28, 2014, 11:01 AM

What did you expect? You allowed someone you didn't know to move in with you after 2 months. You shouldn't be surprised because you didn't know her. I didn't let me partner move in until we knew each other well, and that was about 2.5 years into our relationship. If you get to know the person first you won't have to deal with these kinds of situations most probably.

talaniman · Apr 28, 2014, 11:03 AM

You sit and talk and lay it all on the table and see if you can work it out to move forward, or call it quits. There is no perfect advice. You work together, or you work apart. You found each other during hard times, but can you stay together when the times are hard?

Ask her if it's worth investing in a third party to guide you both through the process unpacking your baggage that you both carry. It seems to be an arrangement of convenience in the first place rather than a planned commitment through shared experience. Not to be harsh, you both are rebounding and flip flopping and your fidelity means little since you started this with a lie by omission.

Lets see, a divorce, a rocky relationship, and a rebound with a female rebounding from a failed unresolved marriage herself. No way you could see this coming and been cautious if not honest from the beginning? Rocky relationship or not, you were cheating on your last girl, so get real, and keep it real. All you did was jump from one failure to another, and again to another.

Put the whole ugly mess in the middle of the floor and see if you can clean up the mess TOGETHER, and see if there is anything worth saving.

Your house is built on a pile of crap my friend, sorry.

helpmefindhope · Apr 28, 2014, 11:20 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You sit and talk and lay it all on the table and see if you can work it out to move forward, or call it quits. There is no perfect advice. You work together, or you work apart. You found each other during hard times, but can you stay together when the times are hard?

Ask her if it's worth investing in a third party to guide you both through the process unpacking your baggage that you both carry. It seems to be an arrangement of convenience in the first place rather than a planned commitment through shared experience. Not to be harsh, you both are rebounding and flip flopping and your fidelity means little since you started this with a lie by omission.

Lets see, a divorce, a rocky relationship, and a rebound with a female rebounding from a failed unresolved marriage herself. No way you could see this coming and been cautious if not honest from the beginning? Rocky relationship or not, you were cheating on your last girl, so get real, and keep it real. All you did was jump from one failure to another, and again to another.

Put the whole ugly mess in the middle of the floor and see if you can clean up the mess TOGETHER, and see if there is anything worth saving.

Your house is built on a pile of crap my friend, sorry.

You're absolutely right... I'm equally to blame... nobody held a gun to my head. I made the decision to move forward in a very new relationship without much knowledge of her. Nonetheless, I do want to make it work. The mess can be cleaned and we have been working on it. The third party (I assume counselor) idea has already been discussed and is going to happen. Thank you for your candor.

smearcase · Apr 28, 2014, 11:40 AM

"What do I do now?"

Get her moved out as reasonably and soon as possible. Then get on with your life and don't look back and don't maintain any contact with her.
There are probably more things about her that you don't know yet and likely to be more in the future.
Doesn't matter to me how you found out. Important thing is that you did find out.

odinn7 · Apr 28, 2014, 11:58 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

I didn't let me partner move in until we knew each other well, and that was about 2.5 years into our relationship.

Sorry, just had to ask...Oliver, when did you become British?

carry on.

Oliver2011 · Apr 28, 2014, 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by odinn7

Sorry, just had to ask...Oliver, when did you become British?

carry on.

HA. It's called multi-tasking/typing faster than my brain can go type of thing. And actually I am part Welsh and part Irish, which also says why I am always sunburned in Florida.

talaniman · Apr 28, 2014, 12:09 PM

Do you have kids by your previous marriage, HMFH?

Jake2008 · Apr 29, 2014, 06:01 AM

Is anyone concerned about the effect this drama is having on the children?

For this mother to move in, with her kids, and a new daddy figure, after such a short time in a relationship, is not very wise- for anybody. That she was struggling to make ends meet may have motivated her more than you think.

For you to step into such a huge commitment with one person, and begin living together so soon into the relationship was a bad idea, let alone add two kids that are supposed to just fit right in.

The arrangement that you are now in, should have happened after a very long time, and only when you were very sure. Had you waited, you may have found out before you moved her and her children in, that she was not the woman you thought she was.

Happy families don't start as strangers, especially when there are children involved.

I think you have made a mistake. It isn't so much that she slept with her ex husband, it's that right from the get-go she cheated on you, regardless who it was with. She plotted and planned behind your back, and played two ends off the middle. Sex video's? Really. It takes a lot of effort to have an affair and hope you don't get caught.

For the sake of the children, and for your own sake, I think you should end the relationship. I personally don't think that the relationship was ever on solid ground. There was no foundation of trust. Without that, you have nothing.