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Saddleda · Feb 2, 2014, 03:44 PM

I'm guilty and frustrated at the same time. I'm in my middle sixties and my husband in his early seventies. We have two daughters and 6 grand kids. One of our daughters is divorced and gets no financial help from her ex because he is in jail for a white collar crime. Although, she work part time in our family business we have been supporting her financially for over 5 years (big house, new car every 3 years, vacations, a nanny and various extra curriculum activities for the children).

A few months ago I retired and we asked her to let her nanny go. We do take care of her children 3 times a week so that she can go out with her boyfriend and friends and on Saturdays (sometimes on Sunday) we drive the kids around for their games. Beside we have to elderly parents who we care for (86 and 100).

The problem is that she insist that we don't help her enough. She says that we are selfish and only care about ourselves. She says that she can't handle all her responsibilities on her own and we don't want to see it. We don't know what to do. We feel guilt but at the same time we think that after we have work so hard for so many years, do so much for her we deserve time for ourselves because our time is running out. Are we being selfish? We feel that she doesn't appreciate anything we do or have done for her. Please advise.

Alty · Feb 2, 2014, 03:51 PM

She sounds very selfish, but you are allowing this.

I would ask her how you're not helping her, how she affords a nanny, new car, new house, vacations, etc, working part time, without your help.

If you want to adopt, I'm available. My husband and I take care of our own children, don't need a nanny, our house is fine, as are our cars, but a vacation once in a while would be really nice. I'd never complain. You might want to switch out for someone that's not nearly as self centered and needy as your daughter.

tickle · Feb 2, 2014, 04:29 PM

Time to cut her loose and start initiating some tough love. Why does she need so much support ?

Catsmine · Feb 2, 2014, 04:57 PM

Donald Trump moment - "You're Fired."

By that I mean she needs to learn what NO HELP feels like. If you want to, and only if you want to, you could offer to take custody of her kids. Let her find her own job, make the house payments, repair the car, pay her own bar tab, etc. If her house is paid for, by you I assume, she can start paying you back.

Jake2008 · Feb 3, 2014, 10:17 AM

Why do these situations always happen, after the fact, and carry on so that a temporary situation, turns permanent.

After her husband was put in prison, she needed you. Some help, support, guidance, and love. That she received, but that temporary situation to help her get on her feet and support herself and her children, turned into a lottery win- for her.

It is now a permanent situation, and has gone on for five years now.

You have allowed a family obligation to simply help when she was at her worst, into providing far more than most people could possibly afford to achieve in an entire lifetime, with new cars, vacations, a house, etc. etc.

Not only did you provide the most luxurious of living conditions for her, she has come to expect it, and why wouldn't she after so long. And on top of it all, she doesn't think you've done enough. And that is why, her 'normal' is more and more and more, and so far you haven't let her down.

I think you know very well what you have to do to regain your own independence and income. You don't need a reason, or an excuse, to stop the lavish excesses you bestow upon your daughter, and you know that too at your age.

If you really want to give and help people out, try donating to a women's shelter, or food bank, or any needy cause that scrapes by on pennies to make sure people have food, shelter, and clothing.

Seek counseling. Find out why you can't stop yourself, and haven't stopped yourself, from being over the top with your daughter. I see this as a problem bigger than just what you have given to her, it is more what you have allowed yourself to be in this position in the first place.

talaniman · Feb 3, 2014, 10:36 AM

Why are you so frustrated by her? You spoiled your little princess and that's how she acts. Now UNspoil the brat and tell her how its going to be.

Why isn't the brat working full time and carrying her own load in the first place?

smoothy · Feb 3, 2014, 11:11 AM

I agree with everyone... I support myself and I don't get to have a new car every 10 years much less every three and I CAN afford it myself.

Stop giving her so much money... let her drive a used car and for a lot longer than three years... I don't know anyone who can afford a nanny... they raise their kids themselves... some of them were single parents...

She seems to forget she should be grateful of every dollar she gets... most adults are responsible for maintaining their own standard of living... and learning to live within their own means without outside assistance. If they can't...guess what...they have to lower their expectations to a level they can pay for.

I'd like a Mansion on the beach is Tuscany....know what..I comprimise with an apartment a 1/2 mile from the water....I'd also like a Mansion in Great Falls.....I comprimise with a much more practical and smaller Colonial I can afford on my income.

She's got it hard? Poor baby... I think she needs to swap lives with almost anyone else out there... she can work several jobs... I know single parents who did it... so can she. It might build character... something she apparently lacks.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.....but I actually do know people whose parents "help out" like you have.....those kids never learned to live within their means either....and worse...they grew to feel they were entitled to the help. SHe's an adult..time she starts acting like one, not a teenager. YOU worked hard to have a comfortable retirement...you are entitled to have one.

joypulv · Feb 3, 2014, 12:25 PM

I'm a concrete thinker.
I would sit down with her, and with paper and pencil and a list of what you spend on her each month.
Then I would TELL her what has to go, starting with the nanny and the new car every 3 years.
Don't allow room for argument, and don't ask. No need to apologize or justify it either.
If she starts in on the common desperate act of withholding the children from you, call her bluff. Say, "In that case, we are withdrawing all support, and I will miss them and you dearly."

Saddleda · Feb 3, 2014, 02:43 PM

I want to thank everyone for your responses. I will seek counseling, although I don't know how we can stop providing support when there are three children involved.

Alty · Feb 3, 2014, 04:09 PM

Originally Posted by Saddleda

I want to thank everyone for your responses. I will seek counseling, although I don't know how we can stop providing support when there are three children involved.

That is hard, and the children didn't put themselves in this position, so they shouldn't have to suffer. But really, what do the kids need? They need a roof over their head, which she will have to provide, and can if she works full time, or more than one job. They need food in their bellies (there are food banks if she can't afford groceries, and you and your husband can still send food over for the kids), they need clothes (there are many thrift stores and you can buy practically new clothing for a dollar if you look around), and they need an education.

If you give everything to someone they expect more and more. If you take it away, you force them to find a way to survive. It's way past time for her to start acting like an adult, like a mother, and providing for her children. If she wants a lavish lifestyle, she better find a way to afford it. I can't even afford a babysitter for a night so my husband and I can go out for a few hours alone, and my husband has a good job and makes a decent wage. We coupon, we penny pinch, we buy all our kids clothes at Value Village, used, I have two pairs of shoes, and that's it, I drive a used car, as does my husband. She has a nanny, a new house, new car, nights out, vacations, and she only works part time! What you've given her is insane, and I hate to say it, but you only have yourselves to blame. You created this monster, and you owe it to not only yourselves, but to her, to cut the apron strings and make her stand on her own two feet, make her be a mother and an adult.

talaniman · Feb 3, 2014, 04:41 PM

I think its disgusting you use providing for your grandkids as an excuse for providing for her. No wonder she uses you. So will your grand kids.

joypulv · Feb 4, 2014, 04:41 AM

Clearly you have too much money. I'm sure I'm speaking for everyone when I say I cringe at what you think someone 'needs.'
I offered a simple and practical suggestion and you decided that you would rather spend more money on therapy. You do need guidance, and maybe you will find out some deep underlying reason why you can't say no, but I think what you really need is a good financial adviser, the Suze Orman type. I'll bet anything that you will be in for a shock to find that you aren't as prepared for your own old age as you think.