[mdpapp]

My almost 21 yr old daughter hasn't changed since she was 13. We now have a beautiful 2+ granddaughter, but her mom (our daughter) is clueless, lazy, selfish and on the verge of homelessness. She has burned most of her bridges with people willing to empower her, including us. I am tired of her scenes, that I have endured for 8+ years. She has been in and out of treatment. Did a stint at JobCorp with no skills because she quit. She just got fired from her 2month old job and is calling us for money to pay her rent, electric, car, insurance and cell phone. Oh, and food, of course. Well, I am not feeling very charitable of late. She has a young sister we are busy with and raising. She got pregnant on purpose and said she is planning on having two more within the next five years. No spouse or boyfriend is in the picture. She is not pursuing any education or trade and does not keep her precious daughter on any kind of schedule. She's a mess and I really don't feel sorry for her. She has chosen her current path. If I knew she would be responsible and stable I would be willing to help her, but she is just manipulative and I am just plain tired. Do I do tough love with her and tell her good luck? Our granddaughter would end up with the father's parents, and she would be safe. Custody of our granddaughter is a 50 split currently. Father was abusive, but my daughter is showing abusiveness/neglect towards our granddaughter. I think our daughter needs counseling, but that is a sore subject with her because heaven forbid she get a clue. I feel clueless because I get so frustrated with this whole situation and I can't seem to communicate with her. I know I haven't said glowing things about my daughter and I do love her and do control the words I speak when with her. In other words, I do not put her down, but I am not willing to enable her. HELP!! :confused: :confused:

[N0help4u]

You may have been trying to empower her but she accepted it only on an enabling level.
You have to do tough love or she will never get any where. My neighbors have their 30 some year old son and his girlfriend living with them. Neither works. They live on their food stamps and his parents Soc. Sec. less than 1,500. A month total for five adults and two kids. She is pregnant with her third kid. None are her bf's. She leaves him at least twice a year and comes back after she is pregnant to some other guy. She can't keep a job for two months. She refuses to let him work because she would have to watch her kids if he did. His parents are to ill to do anything and they won't kick them out. They are enabling them and so their situation will never change. They have two small bedrooms which the kids share with the mom and boyfriend and it doesn't even bother them.
If you give into your daughter she will be in the same situation in 10 to 20 years from now.
She needs to have consequences to motivate her to change. If her daughter goes to the fathers parents she will probably still have more kids that she can't take care of and send them to the kids relatives but maybe having to give her up will hit her hard enough to change. Even if she doesn't your granddaughter deserves a better life. She clearly isn't thinking ahead responsibly in anyway if she is talking about having more kids and not even have a guy in her life.

[mdpapp]

You are absolutely right about her wanting to be enabled. Looking towards the future is something she hasn't even thought about. Being an unfit mother is her choice too. My husband offered up taking her in, but I totally agree with you that that will just lead to further enabling and that once she is in our home she will never leave. My husband said that if something happened to her we couldn't live with the pain and guilt of not helping her out, but I disagree only because she doesn't want to help herself. She has had tons of opportunities and I don't feel sorry for her. She wants a hand out. We are stable, but we work hard too. Yes, our granddaughter is at the root of our worry. I called social services before and have looked at some shelters for our daughter. These things I am willing to do for her. Okay, thanks for your response. Very helpful!!