[lenn0n]

Ever since I was 11 years old, I've been depressed. I've constantly thought about death and wanting to die. I contemplate suicide almost every day, but I never have the guts to go through with it, though when I'm having a bad day, I'm scared that I might actually do it. When I was a teenager I would often tell people around me how much I hate my life and I want to die, but many of them just brush it off. They always say that I'm going through an angry teenage phase. At the time, I believed them and thought it was just the pressure of being a teenager and going to high school. But now I'm in my 20s and I still feel hopeless, empty, worthless, etc. I still want to die and I still hate my life. Even when good things are happening to me or when I am having a good time with friends, I am still sad at the same time. I know, it sounds crazy, but it's how I feel and I just can't help it.

On top of that, I feel like I have terrible anxiety. Doing simple things make me anxious like, talking on the phone, texting people, etc. Sometimes, if I'm a few minutes late to class, I'll just skip it instead because I know everyone will be there already and they will all look at me when I walk in. Just thinking about that gives me anxiety. I often sit in the back of the class, but if I can't, sitting in front of people gives me anxiety as well. I'm scared to make any movements because I think people behind me are watching and judging me. For example, if I'm wearing a jacket and I feel hot in class, I won't take it off because there's people behind me and thinking about them looking at me just makes me anxious. Or even taking a sip of water on my water bottle, I won't do it because I'm paranoid that people are paying attention to what I'm doing. Like I said, it sounds absolutely nuts, but little things like this gives me so much anxiety. My chest will start to hurt, I would feel my heart beating fast and hard. I never have actual panic attacks so I don't know if I am just being dramatic. It's absolutely frustrating because I'm an adult now and yet I still can't even make a phone call to my dentist to make a simple appointment.

Another example is during my birthday. I invited a few friends out to dinner and just eating dinner with them made me anxious. I kept thinking that they don't care about me and that I just forced them to come, that they did not really want to be there. I suddenly felt so bad, like it was my fault, and my chest started to hurt again. I barely had fun because I kept feeling bad about it when I know I shouldn't. I know they came because it was my birthday and they cared, but I just can't help but feel like crap about it. This happens many times with my boyfriend as well. I'll tell him where I'd like to go when we hang out and he'll be up for it, but then I'll suddenly feel like crap again. Then I think to myself that he doesn't want to go where I want to go, that he's probably just lying to make me feel better. I would tell him I'm sorry and he'd just be confused and tell me that it's okay, but I won't believe him. I feel crazy and I don't even know what's wrong with me to be honest. I like being with people, but at the same time, I don't like being with people. I'll go out with friends, but I'll feel worn out fast and just want to be alone in my own thoughts. Sometimes I don't feel like being with people or doing anything at all. I joined a sport just to get active and that doesn't even help. It gives me anxiety just thinking about going to practice and playing a game. I'll often miss days because I feel nervous/scared/anxious for no reason at all.

I constantly feel stressed and I just feel like dying all the time. Whenever I tell people about how I feel, I feel like I am absolutely nuts. That they are judging me or not believing me or probably think I'm crazy too. I get so embarrassed when I tell them about my problems because I sound crazy, but then maybe I'm just imagining it and being dramatic. I don't even know anymore, to be honest. I'm also scared to seek help because they might think I'm just overreacting and there's really nothing wrong with me. I'm sorry if this sounds like one whole rant, but I'm losing my mind and I just don't know if I should suck it up and just get help. Also, what would you classify this as, to be honest? I don't know what's wrong with me at all, could one thing, or could be multiple things. I can keep going on and on about it, but I won't. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this.

[smkanand]

OK, you got problems. Try to get counselling. Talk to your parents, family friends. Pursue a hobby, anything, books, music, games etc. try meditation and yoga. Try to love yourself and stop thinking about others. Good luck.

[joypulv]

'Getting help' isn't so much giving up on helping yourself as having some who is paid to listen, instead of feeling guilty and anxious and misunderstood by friends. Not only paid to listen, but also trained to understand and guide you through it. Having been depressed much of my life too, I know the urge to tell someone but also the fear that it's dragging friends down when you tell them - and guess what? It IS a drag! Not because they don't care, or because they will get all depressed too, but because they can't help you. I've been on both sides.
Now the question is where to find a good therapist, and I mean a GOOD one. I don't know if you have the luxury of shopping for one or not. Or what insurance and sliding scale clinics are around you. But start the search.
When your problems are diffuse and of long duration, it can take a while to sort it all out, and you may find that you may never have some eureka moment when it all goes away. But you will be able to adopt a philosophy of life that doesn't revolve around gung-ho happiness and gratitude for being alive.