[Batash]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years 2 years ago he cheated on me with a woman who sleeps with married men I forgave him although I kicked him out fr 6 months. We worked really hard at repairing our relationship and are still working on it . However in the last 3 months or so our sex life has become non existent he would rather masterbate to porn then have sex with me " cause it's easier " however I am ready and willing so I don't see where the work comes in. I feel like he has become so used to masterbating sex is no longer satisfying and yes I have suggested going to sex stores to spice things up but he finds those things gimmicky I feel like there is nothing I can do to compete with porn. Yes I have self esteem issues but come on. Any male perspective here? Am I over reacting

[joypulv]

(I'm female.. )
He sounds like he isn't someone who really does want to work at relationships in general, and takes the easy way out on everything. Why is he still with you? Because it's easier than starting over. You are convenient to have around.
I don't usually like to judge the person who isn't here to defend himself. This is a bit harsh but do you think I'm off base? Many men masturbate to porn but not exclusively. When they ignore their mate completely, they show they don't care. He isn't telling you why it's easier, what is missing between the two of you. You could give him a chance to talk about it, but if he won't - the next step is yours. Do you want this relationship anymore?

[Oliver2011]

"When they ignore their mate completely, they show they don't care." I totally agree.

While I used to enjoy it, since starting a new exclusive relationship we both have given it up.

[talaniman]

However in the last 3 months or so our sex life has become non existent he would rather masterbate to porn then have sex with me " cause it's easier " however I am ready and willing so I don't see where the work comes in.

Wonder what's been going on in your lives that its easier to masturbate than have sex with you? What's changed the last 3 months? Are there kids involved or a change in finances? Do you work, or could there be schedule conflicts?

I would look deeper into other areas of the relationship before I would blame the porn completely.

[backpack2389]

I think everybody has self-esteem issues that are largely created and exacerbated by idealistic imagery of people in all media (including porn). I know he finds those women particularly sexually attractive and that may seem to make you more feel more insecure than the average ad, but really, it's all the same thing. And I think your issue can be resolved without worrying about your self-esteem anyway because the real issue seems to be with him.

All of the advice I'm giving assumes you are being accurate and truthful when you say that he only masturbates to porn and never/very rarely has sex with you. If he is consistently choosing masturbation over sex because it is 'easier,' he is essentially saying... I'm too lazy to put in the effort to be with you, I don't care about your sexual needs, I don't feel a need for physical or emotional intimacy with you... or at least that his desire to be with you and make you happy is never more important or motivating than his laziness. Would you still want to be with him if he actually vocalized those feelings? Not all communication is verbal.

Personally, I would have told him to leave two years ago when he cheated. Now, as before, he has demonstrated that his primary and only real relationship is with himself (emotionally and physically). Why do you want to be with him? What seems appealing about him? If I were you, I'd leave him.

[Cat1864]

Batash (1 Posts) Asked Today, 01:34 AM
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years 2 years ago he cheated on me with a woman who sleeps with married men I forgave him although I kicked him out fr 6 months. We worked really hard at repairing our relationship and are still working on it . However in the last 3 months or so our sex life has become non existent he would rather masterbate to porn then have sex with me " cause it's easier " however I am ready and willing so I don't see where the work comes in. I feel like he has become so used to masterbating sex is no longer satisfying and yes I have suggested going to sex stores to spice things up but he finds those things gimmicky I feel like there is nothing I can do to compete with porn. Yes I have self esteem issues but come on. Any male perspective here? Am I over reacting

The following isn't to place 'blame' or responsibility for the issue, but to get you to look at it in a different way.

I see at least one major red flag. How are you "still working on" repairing your relationship after the cheating, split, and taking him back? If my math is correct, it has been about a year and a half since you got back together again. Have you regained any trust in him? Is it a subject that still gets mentioned especially when someone is upset? Are you worried he might be cheating again?

If things were fine for over a year and the problem with porn began three months ago, what else changed? Is he under more stress from work/school, family, friends, the relationship, etc. Is he feeling overworked or exhausted? Is he healthy or if he isn't is he taking any medications which might be affecting him?

Does he show affection and intimacy in other ways, at other times?

How did you react when he started masturbating more and having sex less? Have you been pressuring him to have sex or have you backed off to let him deal with anything that is bothering him? When you have talked to him about the issue, was it a discussion or a lecture with questions at the end?

Porn is a tool. People can and do masturbate without using any form of erotica. It is the masturbation that is easier. Masturbation takes care of the individual's needs without having to put effort or concern into their partner's needs.

You say you are willing to have sex, but are you willing to be the human equivalent of a masturbatory aid. There to get him off and nothing in return? Would you want to use him as a vibrator to get you off and not care if he gets any pleasure out of it? Is that how you really want to be treated?

You say that you are insecure. How does that affect your relationship? Are you expecting him to make you feel more secure or are you attempting to build up confidence in yourself? I ask because sometimes we can be clingy and needy without realizing what we are doing. It is a lot of work to reassure a partner who isn't receptive.

I think you both need to sit down and talk with each other about what is going on in your lives and the relationship. Listen with open minds to what each other is saying. Look at all aspects of the relationship and see how they are interconnecting. You may find that the problem isn't in your sex life but something seemingly unrelated which is affecting it and your perceptions. Work together to find a compromise/solution.

[joypulv]

Cat1864, that is one of the best answers I have ever read, ever ever.

[Oliver2011]

Cat1864, that is one of the best answers I have ever read, ever ever.

Agreed.

[Batash]

The following isn't to place 'blame' or responsibility for the issue, but to get you to look at it in a different way.

I see at least one major red flag. How are you "still working on" repairing your relationship after the cheating, split, and taking him back? If my math is correct, it has been about a year and a half since you got back together again. Have you regained any trust in him? Is it a subject that still gets mentioned especially when someone is upset? Are you worried he might be cheating again?

If things were fine for over a year and the problem with porn began three months ago, what else changed? Is he under more stress from work/school, family, friends, the relationship, etc.? Is he feeling overworked or exhausted? Is he healthy or if he isn't is he taking any medications which might be affecting him?

Does he show affection and intimacy in other ways, at other times?

How did you react when he started masturbating more and having sex less? Have you been pressuring him to have sex or have you backed off to let him deal with anything that is bothering him? When you have talked to him about the issue, was it a discussion or a lecture with questions at the end?

Porn is a tool. People can and do masturbate without using any form of erotica. It is the masturbation that is easier. Masturbation takes care of the individual's needs without having to put effort or concern into their partner's needs.

You say you are willing to have sex, but are you willing to be the human equivalent of a masturbatory aid. There to get him off and nothing in return? Would you want to use him as a vibrator to get you off and not care if he gets any pleasure out of it? Is that how you really want to be treated?

You say that you are insecure. How does that affect your relationship? Are you expecting him to make you feel more secure or are you attempting to build up confidence in yourself? I ask because sometimes we can be clingy and needy without realizing what we are doing. It is a lot of work to reassure a partner who isn't receptive.

I think you both need to sit down and talk with each other about what is going on in your lives and the relationship. Listen with open minds to what each other is saying. Look at all aspects of the relationship and see how they are interconnecting. You may find that the problem isn't in your sex life but something seemingly unrelated which is affecting it and your perceptions. Work together to find a compromise/solution.

Thank you for taking the time to articulate such a fantastic answer... thank you to everyone it's nice to be given different perspectives as I unintentionally can be narrow minded when issues hit so close to home... thank you again for your time and wisdom