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dmitriz · Sep 2, 2012, 01:22 PM

I just read the "How to Break-up and survive 101"

My situation is not something unusual, she just does not love me any more. She says she need some space. I'm almost certain she is seeing someone else, but when I ask she never confirms it. Two days ago I asked her about it again and I asked that may be she wants me to move out, and the answer was just silence, and then she said that she just sorry for me (I had some problems this year), and she really cares about me, but she lost the spark and does not understand what she feels and need some time off. I cried, I could not stop it she cried too.

Next day we talked about it and she said that she needs time, I asked if I have to move out, she said she is in doubt, she does not know. I asked her to promise that if she will feel that she wants me to move out the she would tell me that. I have to say that I was not very nice with her this year, we had arguments few times, but I really really love her, it just hurts so much after what she said.

I'm 34 now and I feel really bad, I know if she does not love me any more, she never will, I'm so wrecked. I want this relationship back. I can remember us talking about the weddings and about children and now it is all disappearing, I feel so bad, I don't know what to do.

Jason53 · Sep 2, 2012, 01:32 PM

I have been in a similar situation(S) before.

You have to speak to her firmly and state what you want(ed) from this relationship and where you stand at the moment.
Do not be the "nice guy", be confident >>as if all the girls in the world are at your feet ! She is disposable.

After that do not try to contact her ( email, txt, letters,. ) she might try to contact you, do not answer. JUST DO IT. She will try to contact you again and again.

One of my ex-girlfriend contacted me and even 4 years after.

Do not fall into their trap, if she has done it once, she will do it again as she has lost all respect for you. She will see you as weak.

I thought I will not "fall in love again" lol. I did many times and met better people.

Good luck. It is hard but, you deserve better. Be the Man who takes the decision.

dmitriz · Sep 2, 2012, 04:38 PM

Well, the thing is I'm not sure that she is seeing someone, it's basically me jelouse guess I can't prove it. I talked about the matter with ours both good friend and he was sure she does not. And I trust her she never confirmed it. I do feel it is my fault and I can fix it. Maybe I'm delusional, but I want to fix it so badly. Anyway, I decided that I have to move out. I don't want to look disqusting and miserable in her eyes. I'm so upset, I just can't hide it at all.

LadySam · Sep 2, 2012, 05:13 PM

I don't know that making her feel disposable is any way to act, no one should be made to feel disposable and it is a form of game playing.
In my experience "needing some time" is another way of saying "it is over".
I can't say that for certain in your case, I don't know your girlfriend.
You say you don't think that there is anyone else involved or that you distrust her.
The bottom line is you cannot make anyone love you. If it is her choice to take some time, then give it to her.
Moving out I think is a good choice, you are right, having her see you sitting around moping and miserable will not endear her to you at all.
What have you done for the last year that wasn't nice?
You don't have to answer, but consider the fact that they may play heavily into her decision.

talaniman · Sep 2, 2012, 09:39 PM

I applaud your decision to move out my friend, as hurtful as it is. She may not of had the courage to say so, but you had the courage to act.

May you continue to show courage during the challenge of healing and moving beyond this hurt, and it will get better in time.

dmitriz · Sep 3, 2012, 08:30 AM

Thank you very much for the support, somehow it helps to read your answers, and yes, she did not have a courage to ask me to go, and I did not, but it is happened today, I moved out, I took the important stuff, but left quit a lot, I told her that I will take everithing on satururday in a week time, I asked her to not contact me. I could not hold my tears, at the end of the day it lasted over 6 years. I'm absolutely gutted. Everithing seems like a bad dream.

Still can't believe it is real, it is over, we were so close. The last year we did not go any holidays together, I could not, she knew that, she went few places, with friends that I know, and with friends that I don't. But I trusted her, I did not have a single doubt until some point, when I asked her if she met someone else, the answer was no and I accepted it. I know now that in fact she've met someone, I don't know how far their relationship went. But I did not noticed it when I should, and I did not try anything romantic, and I still think it is all my fault. I'm so upset.

Should I block her from my Facebook page? I keep thinking about her, and I'm worried about her so much, I can't sleep.

She sent me an email couple hours after I left, she wrote down: I'm sorry, I don't know how to love, I don't love anyone. I did not answer it yet.

LadySam · Sep 3, 2012, 09:35 AM

I think blocking her from your Facebook is a good idea, no contact. No calls, no texts, etc, etc.
This may be of little consequence but at some time or other we have all dealt with a break-up or two or three.
It's not easy, break ups suck.
Time will make it easier, some take a little longer than others, but good that you have already starting moving forward by moving out, continue to behave gentlemanly and give yourself time to heal.

dmitriz · Sep 3, 2012, 10:57 AM

The problem I have is that we have a lot of common friends and I won't be able to block her completely. My friend opened the bar recently and it is just around the corner of her and I'm involved with the bar a bit, so I'll be passing her windows quite often. The job I'm doing is a bit lazy-boring type, lets say I'm involved for about 3 hours out of 8, so the 5 hours used to be browsing in-net, chatting people etc, but now I'm so down that I can't really do any of this and those hours go so sooo slow it's killing me, I'm thinking about her constantly. I still did not answer her email, I don't think I know what to write except that I love her and I miss her and I can't imagine my life without her. I'm going crazy.

talaniman · Sep 3, 2012, 09:15 PM

Relax dude, its only been a day and its very normal for things to be very rocky at the beginning of a break up of such a long relationship. Your healing will take years before you have completely healed.

Just think of the hell that long marriages dredge up after a divorce. It happens and you are hardly alone, so for now do whatever it takes to stay busy, and not in contact with her, even if you must go a different way to work, or have some other activities while on the job to keep you busy.

Read these stickies to give you some good ideas, and guidance.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/

dmitriz · Sep 4, 2012, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Relax dude, its only been a day and its very normal for things to be very rocky at the beginning of a break up of such a long relationship. Your healing will take years before you have completely healed.

Just think of the hell that long marriages dredge up after a divorce. It happens and you are hardly alone, so for now do whatever it takes to stay busy, and not in contact with her, even if you must go a different way to work, or have some other activities while on the job to keep you busy.

Read these stickies to give you some good ideas, and guidance.

Relationships - Ask Me Help Desk

Thank you again for your time. I want to fix it, I feel it is my responsabity to do it as it was my fault. I moved out yeaterday, but I'm missing her so much, I feel she does miss me too, I know she is sad, I'm going through the memories of last year and I know I was complete with her, and I know now (why only now?) that she was trying really hard, but I was a d1ck, I kept my thoughts inside when I should have talk to her, I did not go out when I should have done, I did not care about her well being, I criticised her when I should have been supportive, I did not hold her hand when I had to. It is all my fault. After first day apart without any connection made I had time to think, I can see things better now, when emotions moved to the side. When we talked last couple times I was over emotional, I could not keep straight face and I could not stop tears, she was upset very much too. I feel I did not say everything I wanted, I feel I missed a point. I want to have a less emotional conversation with her, I don't want to put a pressure on her, I just need to talk with her without cry, I don't want to play silence games, it feels very immature to me now. I just want to explain her my thoughts, I feel I can hold my emotions now, I feel I can explain myself clearly. I want to set up meeting with her tomorrow, I really want to clear up some things between us. Is that too early to us to meet? Should I wait a bit longer, should I think a bit more?

talaniman · Sep 4, 2012, 07:03 PM

You should think a LOT more. I know you will never see the logic and importance of letting her miss you and coming back on her own, without your influence. I doubt she even wants to hear of your revelations and fixes right now.

At least let the dust settle, and give yourself time to heal, think, and get a life without her. Get your confidence, dignity, and self respect back, then make a decision based on facts, and not just feelings.

dmitriz · Sep 5, 2012, 12:16 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You should think a LOT more. I know you will never see the logic and importance of letting her miss you and coming back on her own, without your influence. I doubt she even wants to hear of your revelations and fixes right now.

At least let the dust settle, and give yourself time to heal, think, and get a life without her. Get your confidence, dignity, and self respect back, then make a decision based on facts, and not just feelings.

We met, I was not emotional, mostly ) , I tried to explain myself, I asked her to remember the good times not only bad, but she said it was long time coming decision, and she asked me to not make her sad remembering things, she droped a tear couple times, but I think that is the end. She said she need some time on her own, she want to live alone, she want to understand what she really want, and I respect her, I did not push, I think this time I said everything I wanted to say, everything I needed to say. I'm going to leave her alone, I don't think we'll be back together, I need to heal, I needed a drink, that made me a bit stronger actually, I'm thinking now, that it's fine, I'll be fine. Not sur yet what I'll think when I get sober. I will have to see her in a week time to take all my belongings out of her place and leave the keys. Relationship sucks!

talaniman · Sep 5, 2012, 12:38 PM

Relationship sucks!

Naw, just the breakups!!

dmitriz · Sep 5, 2012, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Naw, just the breakups!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exactly!
It's all right, I need to make a plan of healing process, need to delete her out of my mind, I kind of feel that if someone dumps you when bad time going through your life then that person was no good. So that meant to happened, sooner or later. I'm certain that I could not be that cruel to someone I spend almost 6 years with. Anyway, I'm staying at friends but in few days moving to my own room in house with couple people I know very well. Feels I'll have a lot of spare time, need to think about making myself busy. Thanks to all who gave me suggestions, they do help. And it helps a lot when you can let out your thinkings to someone.

stanmatt · Sep 6, 2012, 12:15 AM

Kind of the same situation with you months ago except that I was replaced. I suggest don't drink. Listen to some motivational audios, healing audios, empowering audios.
What I did was to listen to T harv Eker, Tony Robbins not to move on but to have a new direction in life to be a better me. Who knows what holds for us in the future best be prepared for anything because luck favors the prepared my friend. For example you meet a great hot smart new woman but you are not prepared because you have not moved on then that's going to ba unfortunate. Be the best you can be without anyone.

stanmatt · Sep 6, 2012, 12:35 AM

Here is what I did that helped me with the pain though sometimes I still miss her its been 4 months by the way for me, erase her number in your cellphone, don't use the gifts she gave you from all those years hide it, you don't have to block her in your Facebook, you just have to unsubscribe to her page so you don't see updates and be completely invisible to her in fb chat so you don't see her, remove the photos you have of her in your fb and finally do some fun things and post them in fb for the world to see. Whether you want her back or not this will ease the pain make you look good to all other women including your ex. Then that's the start where you will see opportunities of meeting new people new friends and a new life. You will be so fun everybody will want to be in your life including your ex and by that time you will look at things differently and there is a better life out there now you have the power of choice be excited for that my friend

dmitriz · Sep 6, 2012, 01:08 AM

Originally Posted by stanmatt

here is what i did that helped me with the pain though sometimes i still miss her its been 4 months by the way for me, erase her number in your cellphone, dont use the gifts she gave you from all those years hide it, you dont have to block her in your facebook, you just have to unsubscribe to her page so you dont see updates and be completely invisible to her in fb chat so you dont see her, remove the photos you have of her in your fb and finally do some fun things and post them in fb for the world to see. Whether you want her back or not this will ease the pain make you look good to all other women including your ex. Then thats the start where you will see opportunities of meeting new people new friends and a new life. You will be so fun everybody will want to be in your life including your ex and by that time you will look at things differently and there is a better life out there now you have the power of choice be excited for that my friend

Thanks mate, I did the Facebook thing, unfortunately I can't sleep at the moment without drink, even not sober I slept 2 hours night before last and about 5 last night, what seems like a progress to me. I'm not a big drinker really it's just so hard at the moment. I'll do the phone nr delete after I move out completely, Im

dmitriz · Sep 6, 2012, 01:42 AM

Originally Posted by stanmatt

here is what i did that helped me with the pain though sometimes i still miss her its been 4 months by the way for me, erase her number in your cellphone, dont use the gifts she gave you from all those years hide it, you dont have to block her in your facebook, you just have to unsubscribe to her page so you dont see updates and be completely invisible to her in fb chat so you dont see her, remove the photos you have of her in your fb and finally do some fun things and post them in fb for the world to see. Whether you want her back or not this will ease the pain make you look good to all other women including your ex. Then thats the start where you will see opportunities of meeting new people new friends and a new life. You will be so fun everybody will want to be in your life including your ex and by that time you will look at things differently and there is a better life out there now you have the power of choice be excited for that my friend

Thanks mate, I did the Facebook thing, unfortunately I can't sleep at the moment without drink, even not sober I slept 2 hours night before last and about 5 last night, what seems like a progress to me. I'm not a big drinker really it's just so hard at the moment. I'll do the phone nr delete after I move out completely, I'm not going to try to talk to her anymore, there was my fault, I don't deny it, but I feel she was unreasonably cruel, and every day I feel a bit more of it. At the moment I feel sorry for myself too, I should not think like that, I know, but it can't change that quickly. But at least I'm certain it is over, so I stopped thinking about how to fix it, what to say what to write, how to act. I'm not going to do any of it. There are still a lot of memories and thoughts that make me feel very much upset. I know trying to meet new people would be a good thing to do, but I can't see myself trying a new relationship just yet, not even casual. But I want to forget her as quick as I can, I mean not forget it but just stop thinking about it. I'm thinking about enrolling a course I always fancied to do. I want to make myself busier, I'm a lazy person, but may be that is the chance to change, just don't want laziness to take over me, then I will be all miserable and won't move on ever. I want to think it's all for good.

LadySam · Sep 6, 2012, 03:24 AM

Can I make a suggestion? The drinking to sleep thing is a bad idea, You're only dismissing the sad, hurt feelings for the moment and they are right there to stare at you when you wake up, ultimately you've only managed to potentially give yourself a hangover in the process.
You need to sleep, but try a sleep aid or benadryl to help you sleep instead.
By the time you're over this you could have a whole different set of problems should you continue to drink through it.
If I sound like a mother it's because I am.
You'll feel much better and be more clear headed, with nights of unpolluted sleep in your corner.

dmitriz · Sep 6, 2012, 04:49 AM

Originally Posted by LadySam

Can I make a suggestion? The drinking to sleep thing is a bad idea, You're only dismissing the sad, hurt feelings for the moment and they are right there to stare at you when you wake up, ultimately you've only managed to potentially give yourself a hangover in the process.
You need to sleep, but try a sleep aid or benadryl to help you sleep instead.
By the time you're over this you could have a whole different set of problems should you continue to drink through it.
If I sound like a mother it's because I am.
You'll feel much better and be more clear headed, with nights of unpolluted sleep in your corner.

Thank you, of course you are right, I know that, but it is just so hard and I don't like taking medicine, I almost never did, except for headache. I just want to forget all the matter, I don't want to think about it, it kills me, especially when I'm on my own. When friends around I'm not that bad, I know I bored them to death with my speeches, but I feel better spilling out my feelings and thoughts. I want it all disappear I want it all go away. My mum died this year about 4 months ago, and I was trying to support my father I knew it hit him badly, I was upset too, but I felt his pain, and now this, she such a selfish person, I feel my love for her dying every hour, but it does not make me feel any better.