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talaniman · Jul 15, 2012, 08:00 PM

Punkish- Doing dumb stuff that is against common sense that makes you look very foolish.

To be unstuck, you have to cut the past loose, and replace unhealthy habits with healthy ones that allow you to keep your own dignity, and self respect.

here2assist · Jul 16, 2012, 11:27 AM

I'm sorry but this is getting out of control. I think this thread needs to end. Here is a quote from you, "i already am starting to, but we have a long history of closeness before things rapidly went toxic." You used the word 'toxic' which means unhealthy and BAD. You need to pull yourself up by the boot straps and move on. You keep making excuses for cyber stalking her. You can't resign to blocking her so remove her from your IM contact list. Problem solved. Block her on Facebook so you won't be tempted to check out her profile and she cannot view yours. Remove her as a contact from email and your phones.

We've all been through a breakup and it's OK to feel sad and nostalgic afterward but you're just perpetuating your misery. YOU have the power to choose your actions, reactions and behavior. YOU can choose to enjoy your life by finding satisfaction in the things you do and the people you associate with. It's your choice now. We've all given you more than ample advice to help you feel better. You keep responding by saying you think she's mocking you or this, that and the other. Here's a reality check and I apologize if this is harsh but... she's not mocking you. She probably couldn't give a $hit how you interpret her online status or profile pic. She's living her life. You're reading into things and it's all in your head.

sayanaladka · Jul 16, 2012, 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by here2assist

I'm sorry but this is getting out of control. I think this thread needs to end. Here is a quote from you, "i already am starting to, but we have a long history of closeness before things rapidly went toxic." You used the word 'toxic' which means unhealthy and BAD. You need to pull yourself up by the boot straps and move on. You keep making excuses for cyber stalking her. You can't resign to blocking her so remove her from your IM contact list. Problem solved. Block her on facebook so you won't be tempted to check out her profile and she cannot view yours. Remove her as a contact from email and your phones.

We've all been through a breakup and it's ok to feel sad and nostalgic afterward but you're just perpetuating your misery. YOU have the power to choose your actions, reactions and behavior. YOU can choose to enjoy your life by finding satisfaction in the things you do and the people you associate with. It's your choice now. We've all given you more than ample advice to help you feel better. You keep responding by saying you think she's mocking you or this, that and the other. Here's a reality check and I apologize if this is harsh but...she's not mocking you. She probably couldn't give a $hit how you interpret her online status or profile pic. She's living her life. You're reading into things and it's all in your head.

Maybe I am not being clear.
1. FB - deleted my FB account 3 weeks back. Didn't want to give/see updates.
2. Phone - Deleted phone entry 3 weeks back (altho number is memorised)
3. Messenger - She is using a account that has only me on it, no one else but me will see her profile pic changes or status updates etc, which is why I think she gives SOME sort of , whether its to get me to talk to her so she can reject me or to reach out, or to mock me is what I was wondering, although that in no way will decide what I do. I use my account for all my friends.

I have not been in misery of any kind since that day I broke NC to say 'hi', didn't beg plead or anything with her at any stage, yes feel hurt and pain every now and then, but then like you say that's natural. I have been feeling anger towards her for the first time, all the injustices have been coming to mind, I have been writing them down in a journal. She wasn't perfect in any sense, but she was my imperfect angel.

I am not cyber stalking anyone, I am using my own account which has all my friends on it. Meanwhile she is using a account that has only ME on it (I know that).

I hear what you are saying, I DO need to stop thinking why she is doing what she is doing, because it serves no purpose, and I will get soon to that stage maybe a week or so. She has been online all day on her account for couple of days again now and now I am not initiating any conversation with her. I did NC for 3 weeks and I am again NC for a week now, and will not break NC from my side. Hope that gives some clarity and insight into my thoughts and actions. Please tell me if I am thinking straight.

sayanaladka · Jul 16, 2012, 01:05 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Punkish- Doing dumb stuff that is against common sense that makes you look very foolish.

To be unstuck, you have to cut the past loose, and replace unhealthy habits with healthy ones that allow you to keep your own dignity, and self respect.

I have deleted FB, phone number, the last thread is the messenger connection. I had blocked her for 3 weeks then unblocked her, I guess the last connection was the toughest for me to break, i.e. remove her or block her from my list, which I did just now. It feels strangely vacant, I don't feel sad or angry, just feel numb, which I didn't feel until now. Is that normal?

talaniman · Jul 16, 2012, 01:12 PM

As long as you realize she WAS your imperfect angel, you are thinking clearly. What you have failed to do it seems is to block yourself from being able to see when she is on line, and wondering why! That's what really serves no purpose.

Your challenge now, since you have addressed that on line issue, is to adjust to the changes you have made, and in time those very normal feelings of being numb will be replaced by other things in your life that require your time, and attention.

The answer is yes, your feelings are normal, and typical of one who has finally taken a step in the right direction, and leaving the past behind.

sayanaladka · Jul 16, 2012, 01:22 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

As long as you realize she WAS your imperfect angel, you are thinking clearly. What you have failed to do it seems is to block yourself from being able to see when she is on line, and wondering why! Thats what really serves no purpose.

Your challenge now, since you have addressed that on line issue, is to adjust to the changes you have made, and in time those very normal feelings of being numb will be replaced by other things in your life that require your time, and attention.

Thanks, talaniman. I guess like you said I should let go of WHY and just focus on WHAT and end this misery. I was earlier wondering why she does what she does, but figuring out her mind is NO longer my job. She turned me into this ball of mush and I hate myself for allowing it to happen.

here2assist · Jul 16, 2012, 02:12 PM

On a positive note let me leave you with some actions I took to feel better about myself and move on when I was forced to let go of someone I loved:
1. Remove clutter from your life. Organize your household. Do a deep cleaning and throw out unnecessary items you've collected along the way. Clean out your drawers. Organize your closet. Your environment is critical to your peace of mind. A clean, clutter free environment is a happy environment.
2. Eliminate unnecessary stressors. Unfortunately for me this meant ending a friendship that continuously caused me undue stress and brought me down. The people and activities in your life should bring you joy and enlighten you. Retain the people, things and activities that are good for you mind and spirit. Give it some thought.
3. Take on some healthy habits and eliminate bad ones. I quit smoking, cut back on drinking, started taking vitamins and made a conscious effort to eat more fruits and vegetables. You may want to start working out if you don't already. By introducing healthy habits you'll not only feel better but you'll look better too. Hey, you're single now and people are very drawn to those that care for themselves.
4. Fill the time and space that person once occupied with other things. Reach out to friends and family you lost touch with. Join an organization or take on a new project. I joined a few meetup groups, started making regular plans with friends and acquaintances. I picked up a hobby I used to love (cooking) and started experimenting with different recipes.
5. Escape in work if you can. There's nothing better than praise and a sense of accomplishment.
6 Take a vacation away from your current residence. I don't know. For me I find that when I get away I'm able to leave all my problems and worries at home. That's not to say they won't be there when you return however it's so freeing to get out of your head for awhile.

I hope this helps and you'll give some of these practices a fair shot.

sayanaladka · Jul 16, 2012, 02:47 PM

Originally Posted by here2assist

On a positive note let me leave you with some actions I took to feel better about myself and move on when I was forced to let go of someone I loved:
1. Remove clutter from your life. Organize your household. Do a deep cleaning and throw out unnecessary items you've collected along the way. Clean out your drawers. Organize your closet. Your environment is critical to your peace of mind. A clean, clutter free environment is a happy environment.
2. Eliminate unnecessary stressors. Unfortunately for me this meant ending a friendship that continuously caused me undue stress and brought me down. The people and activities in your life should bring you joy and enlighten you. Retain the people, things and activities that are good for you mind and spirit. Give it some thought.
3. Take on some healthy habits and eliminate bad ones. I quit smoking, cut back on drinking, started taking vitamins and made a conscious effort to eat more fruits and vegetables. You may want to start working out if you don't already. By introducing healthy habits you'll not only feel better but you'll look better too. Hey, you're single now and people are very drawn to those that care for themselves.
4. Fill the time and space that person once occupied with other things. Reach out to friends and family you lost touch with. Join an organization or take on a new project. I joined a few meetup groups, started making regular plans with friends and acquaintances. I picked up a hobby I used to love (cooking) and started experimenting with different recipes.
5. Escape in work if you can. There's nothing better than praise and a sense of accomplishment.
6 Take a vacation away from your current residence. I don't know. For me I find that when I get away I'm able to leave all my problems and worries at home. That's not to say they won't be there when you return however it's so freeing to get out of your head for awhile.

I hope this helps and you'll give some of these practices a fair shot.

Hi, thanks for all these tips, here2assist. Right now I am able to concentrate only on my hobbies, and am able to hang out with friends and not think of her at all. I have reduced alcohol intake as I realised it made me very emotional then. While I am working I am able to not remember everything that's happened. Its when I have nothing to do that's when I read forum after forum after forum like this one and drive myself insane. I am unable to see any other girl the same way I do her and maybe that will come with time or it won't, time will tell. I used to gym until few months back I am going to enroll next week, filled out the forms but haven't had time to go there again. I am so afraid to go on vacations rightnow because I will miss her even more. I will begin to wish I would be able to do those things with her instead. Maybe its one of those things that will take time. I went to stay over at a friends home for the last weekend and that helped me a lot. I removed everything from sight that reminded me of her. There is a lot to keep me busy but the moment I'm alone with my thoughts the thoughts always go to her. Its this that needs to go away, the whys and the endless questions with no answers.

sayanaladka · Jul 16, 2012, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

As long as you realize she WAS your imperfect angel, you are thinking clearly. What you have failed to do it seems is to block yourself from being able to see when she is on line, and wondering why! Thats what really serves no purpose.

Your challenge now, since you have addressed that on line issue, is to adjust to the changes you have made, and in time those very normal feelings of being numb will be replaced by other things in your life that require your time, and attention.

The answer is yes, your feelings are normal, and typical of one who has finally taken a step in the right direction, and leaving the past behind.

Its difficult to control thoughts, I have full control on my actions. I guess I accepted she let me go, and I will stay gone, but I guess too many useless questions plaguing my mind, am hoping will eventually go away. Thanks tal for the tough talk, I needed that I guess, I am NO punk! : )

sayanaladka · Jul 17, 2012, 03:03 PM

I think I feel sanity being restored.. hope it lasts.

But an hour later.................................../T

Saw her walking down the street, I just smiled at her, walked on, but she still ignored me, and now the pain has come back. Why is it so difficult for her to be civil, its not like I did anything bad to her?

talaniman · Jul 18, 2012, 05:58 PM

These are the lessons of life, good times/feelings never last forever, and if you don't dwell on her behavior/actions, neither will the pain.

sayanaladka · Jul 19, 2012, 12:16 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

These are the lessons of life, good times/feelings never last forever, and if you don't dwell on her behavior/actions, neither will the pain.

Thanks for putting this in perspective, tal. People smile even at strangers, and I thought (yet again) that I would be civil. The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference I have read, and I am getting there now. Its sad that someone you used to talk to every single day for years can suddenly decide that you are not worth a smile, and that too when I did nothing that wrong to deserve this behaviour. I hope she realises what she is doing/has done.

talaniman · Jul 19, 2012, 04:17 AM

Another life lesson, don't ever assume that others have the same sense of decency, or fair play, or even the same ideas of good manners as you do. People change, and life can change people.

Some change for the better, some don't.

sayanaladka · Jul 19, 2012, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Another life lesson, don't ever assume that others have the same sense of decency, or fair play, or even the same ideas of good manners as you do.

What should I do if I bump into her another time? Smile at her again? Frown and look away? Look 'through' her like she is invisible? I would rather not imitate her, that would seem petty. Any advice?

talaniman · Jul 19, 2012, 11:57 AM

Smile, and keep going. Its no skin off your butt what she does is it? Shouldn't be. You are seeing a side of her you never knew, NOW YOU KNOW!!

sayanaladka · Jul 19, 2012, 02:35 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Smile, and keep going. Its no skin off your butt what she does is it? Shouldn't be. You are seeing a side of her you never knew, NOW YOU KNOW!!!

Why don't I feel anger to her for insulting me this way? Is it because I have become accepting of bad behaviour or that I am simply being the bigger person?