[needadvice06]

Hey guys,

I hope you can provide some advice for me here. I recently got out of a 6 month relationship with a girl. We had grown to be really good friends, and we had a lot in common, but things fell apart for us in the last month of our relationship, a lot of fighting, and that led to us not really even talking or seeing each other for that last month - it put a lot of distance between us. It's been about 2 weeks now since the official breakup (pretty much a mutual breakup). To be honest, I really didn't even care or give it a second thought when we broke up, just went about my day. Maybe I didn't love her as much as I thought I did? Anyway, for the most part, I'm over the relationship, but there have been a few times where I have thought about the good times we had, and her great qualities, and considered contacting her to get back together, even though I know its not what she wants (and probably not what I would really want either). I've recently met a new girl, who I have a lot in common with, and she has a great career and personality, but I don't know if I'm really ready to start anything up. I don't want to throw away what could potentially be a great opportunity because of the uneasiness. Also, I should note, that before I started dating my ex, I dated a girl for 5 years, and after we had broken up, it took me a year to get over that. I feel like I had wasted a lot of time getting over her and missed a lot of opportunities, and don't want that to happen again. Anyway, I'm looking for advice or for someone who has been in a similar position.

By the way I'm 25

[Wildcat21]

First why the fighting? And would it continue? What the hell were you fighting about. Do you want to fight with this gal for the next 10 years?

Can the issues be worked out? Fighting is not a good sign - especially if you couldn't work it out. If lead to a brea kthat easily - then somethinf was majorly worng.

[confused25]

"...and for the most part, im over the relationship, but there have been a few times where I have thought about it, and considered contacting her to get back together, even though I know its not what she wants."

What you said here tells me that you are not over the relationship yet, but you are definitely handling it very well. My suggestion is to definitely go out and date, but don't get into a serious relationship until you stop having thoughts of getting back together. I'm afraid that if you get into a serious relationship now it might end up being a rebound relationship, which will just create problems in the long run. Just take it slow, you shouldn't be in a rush to get into a relationship. Go out and date, have fun, and in the process clear your head.

[needadvice06]

Wildcat: well the fights really stemmed from issues I was having with her. She was very unavailable emotionally, didn't like to barely ever see me (wouldve just rather talked on the phone), and didn't make me a priority. It basically ended when she said that she didn't feel like putting in the effort to change.. and this bothered me quite a bit. Personally, I don't think these issues could be worked out, because they were a problem since day 1, and I've told her that in the past, but nothing has changed.

Confused: you you are probably right, I always have the tendency to go into relationships with the intention of it being a long lasting one. I've had numerous people tell me that this is the wrong approach, that I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I probably should take things a little slower. Thanks!

[Wildcat21]

Well... personally - sounds like she did you a favor.

I would NOT call her - the only way she will cahnge is if she misses you and is willing to change.

You don't want to be with her.

[Wildcat21]

"wrong approach, that im setting myself up for disappointment"

That's huge - PLUs if you let that person know it - it pusshes them away - there is no mystery - she wants to chase you a little bit.

Sounds like you SURRENDER way too soon. There always should be some mystery and doubt.

They are part of your life - NOT your life. You need to be HAPPY with them or without them. No question.

[confused25]

Yeah dude just take it slow. You obviously seem like a guy who doesn't have trouble getting women to take notice, so don't worry about passing up opportunities. Just date and have fun! :cool:

[valinors_sorrow]

This is what I hear: The ending of the 5 year relationship and subsequent year of grief (which is totally normal) caused you to rush the six month one, which directly caused it to end, so you are now into two week girl and maybe rushing more and wondering about back tracking to save time. EEK!

The surest way to guarantee you either don't end up with someone or worse, you end up with someone you don't want is to get rushed or desperate about it. If your life isn't satisfying AS IS without the girl, then the balance will be totally off when the girl shows up.

You need to seriously acknowledge to yourself that the kind of loss you experienced may happen again -- there are no guarantees in life -- and that the time spent grieving the loss was not wasted but a natural part of being human. Girlfriends are not goals, they are people. Maybe then you can slow down! :p

[needadvice06]

Wildcat: you're definitely right about that. In the past, I've tended to be a huge pushover in terms of relationships. I also tend to plan a future way to early. And I don't think that approach has worked for me well.. I guess I have to maintain that aura of mystery for a while, as you've said

Confused: haha thanks for the confidence.. I don't know, to be honest I'm a really shy type of guy and I have problems approaching women. In fact, all of the girls I've dated pretty much made the first move on me, I guess I've been lucky thus far, lol. But you, I understand what you are saying.. I just need to get out and have fun and stop being feeling so miserable about my ex...

Valinors: I'm not going out with this new girl yet. I know she's interested, but we haven't gone out as of yet. But yes, you're right, after all the failed relationships, I'm trying not to go in with the mentality that it is going to work for sure. I'm not going to try and make it work for just the sake of making it work. I had just felt that year was a waste, as it was my last year of university, and I couldve met a lot of girls with similar interests. Now that I've graduated, I'm finding it much harder to find people similar to myself!

[valinors_sorrow]

It is good that you are giving up the "make it work no matter what" goal approach, very good!

I see where you are hung up. You are telling yourself it's a lot harder to meet girls out in the real world as opposed to college. And by it being harder, you've narrowed your chances. And by narrowing your chances you've up the odds of being stuck alone. And therein lies the engine to all the rushing.

But here is the real deal. For the person with the good life and the right attitude and the open, willing but not needy heart, there is NO time that is any harder or easier for romance. There are lots of folks here that can back that statement up with their personal experience too. So don't be telling yourself that lie and end up going down the desperation path. That is all I meant in my first post.

It's a really unattractive thing to hear someone say, "Well, I would be all set for love if my crappy ex hadn't dumped me at the worst possible time and therefore caused me to miss my best possible chance at it." Ugh! Do you know how many girls that will chase off? They will write you off as having a chip on his shoulder, and for being stuck in the past and quick to blame others when I don't think you want to be like that... not really.

Frankly the girl of your dreams will probably be impressed that you took that year you still are claiming is a waste and had you blown off that previous relationship easily, the girl of your dreams might be (rightfully) leary of you. Consider that in the equation too. Some dream girls take a little longer to show up-- you need to quit thinking of anything as "late". I hope that helps clarify it.

[Wildcat21]

Hmmm. Some self confidence problems - you get attached to these women because they show a little interest.

Do you truly love yourself? You have to love yourself first - then others can love you.

[needadvice06]

valinor: yes, you are defintely right about everything you said. Its almost like you climbed into my brain and was telling me how I was feeling.. I appreciate the advice =)

wildcat: yes, I do think I have self confidence problems. I never had a lot of luck with girls until I was about 18 or so, I was very geeky before then. After I turned 18, I changed my image quite a bit (alot of friends describe me as a metrosexual now, haha), and, not to seem conceided, really have a lot to offer. I am actually very happy with myself, but that lack of confidence growing up I think has really stuck with me a little all these years.

[Wildcat21]

"metrosexual" - get rid of that. You'll always be in the friend zone.

[valinors_sorrow]

I have to admit this :o but what the h-e-double hockey sticks is "metrosexual"?
It sounds like someone who can only have sex on commuter trains or something?? :eek: LOL

[needadvice06]

Haha a metrosexual is a guy that takes his appearance very seriously, wears really nice clothes, does their hair really well. Actually, here is the wikipedia defn: "Metrosexuality is, the trait of an urban male of any sexual orientation who has a strong aesthetic sense and spends a great amount of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle"

Uhh I'm going through a phase atm where I have the urge to call the ex. Is it normal to think, at least at this point, that there won't be anyone out there as good as her for me? I know that's not the case, but I keep thinking that any girl I go out with just won't be the same. I remember having these feelings before with a previous girlfriend, but I'm feeling it again now..

[Wildcat21]

= gay. If you want to come across that way. Trithfully - it's a women's word that says you act very gay. I am totally open person... but have always felt it was a put down word by women.

Women don't want metrosexual... belive me.

[talaniman]

Slow your train down and stop seeing a female for a relationship on the first date. At least get to know them first and just because they come on to you don't assume that she's the one for life. You really should not enter into a relationship until you learn how to appreciate the fun of dating and getting to know someone first.

[s_cianci]

6 months really isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. You gave it a try and it didn't work out. You don't need to pass up any opportunities, just take things slow and easy (which I'm sure you already know.) Move forward steadily but slow. Don't give your past relationships a second thought unless you learned something useful from them. As for myself, rarely if ever did I actually learn something useful from a breakup because I always came to the realization that it wasn't anything I said or did.

[needadvice06]

Well guys,

I'm kind of in a little dilemma here. If you read my other thread, I had recently broken up with a ex of 6 months, and am getting back into the swing of things. I met this girl who I really like, but I'm very intimidated by her. You see, all my previous gf's were younger, more immature, and that is one thing I couldn't stand about them, and I swore would never go out with a girl like that again. Now I've met a girl who is 2 years older than me (27), has an incredible job (while I'm getting started out), she has a more wild sexual side (which I'm not accustomed to, but that I like), and more experience than me, has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this?

[educatedhorse_2005]

Do not let this intimidate you.
Go with it. She will help you in ways you can't imagine.
Yourself confidence will go up and you will have an easier life.
You never now she just might be the one.